Week Seven

It's fall and football is in full swing with the halfway point approaching us. By now, the league's haves and have nots are pretty well defined and it is probably time to start thinking about trade deals. Our exclusive ears to the ground hear the rumblings of some GMs and speculate that deals are in progress.

On to the weekly recaps:

Gophirs 69.46 - Kaboodle 59.98

The week's marquee match up between the top two teams was perhaps a preview of a possible match up at the Shark Tank Super Bowl Presented by King's Hawaiian. Despite an anemic passing offense, the Gophirs (5-1) were able to produce a workmanlike win over the Kitna Kaboodle (4-2) behind the strength of the running back duo of Priest Holmes (81 yards rushing and 1 TD, 59 yards receiving) and Ahman Green (139 yards rushing and 1 TD, 51 yards receiving and 1 TD). Coach Chinn in the post game conference expressed concerns over the play of quarterback Jeff Garcia (168 yards passing, 1 rushing TD) and their receivers, who--outside of rookie Tyrone Calico--combined for 76 yards receiving. "When [future Hall of Famer] Rice and [number one wide receiver] Chambers are out gained by that rookie. . .what's his name? Oh, Dane Looker...you can't help but be frustrated. Well, at least I don't have Donovan McNabb."

The Kaboodle were not able to establish a run game as the two stars, Clinton Portis and Travis Henry, combined for only 100 yards rushing and 61 yards receiving and no touchdowns between them. Backup Garrison Hearst did run one into the end zone, but it was during a meaningless fourth quarter. The Kaboodle wasted a stellar performance by their defense (6 sacks, 2 interceptions, a fumble and 1 TD) as the Kaboodle put the ball on the ground 3 times. A dancing Warren Sapp was cited for indecent jiggling after a defensive TD by Simeon Rice as league officials dropped a fine on him after the game.

Forced to throw, the Kaboodle's quarterback, Scary Collins, tossed 4 picks, negating a 314 yard day and costing his team sole possession of first place. Coach and General Manager, Laurie Len, was said to be very disappointed in the Kaboodle's offensive coordinator, her husband. It was a last minute call by the spouse in the dog house to replace then starting quarterback, Trent Green, with Collins on advice won at an auction. Said the coordinator, "I had a whole lot of credit with an auction house and I thought that the insider tips I was bidding for was for football, instead it turned out to be foosball." Said Laurie, "I coulda been a contenda."

Sleepas 44.64 - pigskins 20.97

In a game that seemed to last forever, the Sleepas (4-2) managed to stay awake enough to outlast the pigskins (2-4). It was a strange game with both teams moving the ball up and down the length of the field, but failing to score, often ending drives with turnovers or misguided 4th down conversion attempts. The pigskins shot themselves in the foot consistently with three fumbles in the red zone and three interceptions, one at the Sleepas 15 and one that was a sure touchdown--a drop in the end zone by a distracted Terrell Owens--who was busy pulling a pen out of his sock before the ball even got to him. "Look, it wasn't my fault I dropped it. T.O. can't do everything for this team. Wasn't [pigskin WR] K-Rob [Koren Robinson] 10 yards away, too? Like he can't get over here and pull the Sharpie out for me? At least I don't have McNabb throwing to me."

Sleepas coach, Aaron Len, bemoaned the lack of offense on both sides of the ball, "I can't believe we won with only 44 points, that's pretty sad." Marc Bulger had a fine day with 352 yards marred by two picks and Jamal Lewis ran for 131 yards, but couldn't punch it in. One fan said, "It was a snoozers of a game, maybe because it was Nyquil Night at the stadium" referring to the promotion where each fan received 8 ozs of the popular cold medicine and buzz producer for the under 21 crowd.

Football Team 94.56 - Stews Crew 2 59.81

In a mighty display of offense, the Team (4-2) crushed the Crew (3-3) and grabbed a share of second place. Torry Holt racked up 161 yards and 2 TDs and the Team's defense dominated the Crew, who were not able to score many points despite a 293 yard performance by quarterback, Peyton Manning. "I'm putting people on notice," commented the Team's coach, Elijah Liao, as he beat his chest, "the Football Team is here and we're looking to dominate any comers. You. Us. Cage match. Now. You'd better not bring any of that weak, Don-o-VAN McNabb stuff or we going to knock you on your butts."

The Cough Drops 73.21 - Bleed Blue 64.67

In an early game, the Cough Drops (3-3) rode the strength of their defense to overcome Derrick Mason and the Bleed Blue (2-4) to even their record. Mason had 177 yards of receiving and three touchdowns, but that just wasn't enough as the Drops' QB, Brad Johnson, tossed 4 touchdowns on an efficient 268 yards to go with the 145 rushing yards of Willie Green. The Blue were let down by their lack of running game and inconsistent play from quarterback, Patrick Ramsey, who threw two picks and lost a ball on a muffed snap. Willie Wang, the Blue's coach, noted that although Ramsey has been good in previous games, "He's in danger of sinking to the level where Donovan McNabb now lives, which, I believe, is in the third level of Dante's Inferno." Coach Len said of the win, "We're jolly about it! Much like our tight end, Doug. Get it? Jolly? Hahahahahah. Excuse me, I have to go check on an auction right now."

Fumblers 51.87 - liusers 46.67

In the Battle for Last Place, the Fumblers (2-4) managed to pull themselves out of the gutter behind the heroics of Steve McNair who not only threw for 421 yards and three TDs, but also ran two more in. It is rumored that fans want to recall Arnold Schwarzenegger and vote McNair in as governor but that idea was shot down by Coach Jung in the post game press conference, "I know that he just had an ok game. I know that the week before he threw for 360 yards and ran two in. I know that the week before that he passed for 3 TDs. I know that the week before THAT he passed for two more, but the brain trust here is thinking that Steve McFair. . .what?. . .oh. . .Steve McNairis. . .what?. . .oh. . .Steve McNair, he isn't very good. I mean, really, not very good. . .really. . .honestly. Anybody looking for a trade? Maybe that McNabb guy. He's a first round pick, yeah?" Several journalists were seen with their mouths hanging open and many air quoted "brain trust" to each other. The liusers head coach was then seen trying to drag a resisting Donovan McNabb into the press room.

The hardluck liusers (1-5) seemed to be out of sync offensively, dropped their fifth in a row as they were unable to generate many yards, or points. Lamented the liusers coach, "I'm stuck with McNone. .er. . .McNabb. THAT'S my problem."


Looking ahead at the halfway point of the season:

The Gophirs (5-1) look to hold serve against Bleed Blue (2-4)
The Sleepas (4-2) play the Kaboodle (4-2) which will drop one team from second place
The liusers (1-5) attempt to salvage respectability and get back into the playoff race against the 'skins (2-4), despite having to start Donovan McNabb
The Football Team (4-2) looks to keep a share of second place against the Fumblers (2-4)
The Drops (3-3) and the Crew (3-3) battle to go over .500, the loser drops under.

This week's waiver priority:

10 liusers 1-5-0 .167 315.57 L-5
9 Bleed Blue 2-4-0 .333 309.13 L-1
8 Fumblers 2-4-0 .333 333.17 W-2
7 flying pigskins 2-4-0 .333 337.57 L-1
6 The Cough Drops 3-3-0 .500 330.61 W-1
5 Stews Crew 2 3-3-0 .500 423.91 L-2
4 Football Team 4-2-0 .667 380.81 W-2
3 Sleepas 4-2-0 .667 383.54 W-1
2 Kitna Kaboodle 4-2-0 .667 438.21 L-1
1 Grant Gophirs 5-1-0 .833 443.68 W-1

Submit claims by Wednesday night.