Week Six

OK, here we go. A third of the way through the season and it appears that the league is beginning to stretch out a little. Good stuff happening all over. By the way, if you want to be quoted in the capsules, send me what you want me to "report".

flying pigskins 74.92 - Gophirs 62.52

Behind a strong kicking game and Fraud Taylor, the pigskins (2-3) beat the only remaining undefeated team in the league as the Gophirs fell to 4-1 suffering from the lack of a passing game. With a win by the Kitna Kaboodles, the Gophirs now have to share the top ranking. League MVP candidate and back for the Gophirs, Priest Holmes, was held to no touchdowns for the second week in a row. The pigskin's outspoken wideout, Terrell Owens, lifted his media ban briefly, "Well, that boneheaded offensive coordinator put in at least one good play and got me the ball. . .that's why I--er, I mean--we won. If I can expect more touches, I--er, I mean--we can expect more wins." Taylor was the offensive star of the game, racking up 164 all purpose yards with one rushing and one receiving touchdown and was overheard mumbling something derogatory about the "Terrell Ratio". The Gophirs coach was cited by inside sources as being worried about an imminent collapse of the team. pigskins' kicker, Sebastian Janikowski, kicked five field goals and commenting on Janikowski's recent run ins with alcohol and the law, pigskins' coach, Kalvin Sid said, "Sea Bass is much better out of the tank than in."

Fumblers 78.82 - Sleepas 72.38

The Fumblers (1-4) break a long draught with a stunning last second victory over the Sleepas (3-2). Behind the successful combination of Steve McNair to Marvin Harrison, the Fumblers have recovered from last week's last second collapse to the Gophirs. Marvin Harrison torched the Sleepas for 176 yards and two trips to the end zone and Steve McNair ran two more in on his own, one coming in the waning seconds of the second half with time expiring on a busted play bootleg just barely overpowering a tackling Troy Vincent that brought victory to the then winless Fumblers. In another case of celebrating too early, the losing team was up by 21, played conservatively, inserted the second string and so the Sleepas were caught napping in the second half. "Caught with our pants down, more likely" said Coach Aaron Len in the post game interviews, "our defense was good, but just not good enough. Marvin. . .what can you say? He's the top receiver in the league." Shot back Vincent, "What, just because the guy catches 3 yard screens all the time means he's number one? No, we just flat out didn't cover him." Coach Jung commented, "Today second to last. . .tomorrow the world!"

Football Team 62.67 - liusers 45.69

Football Team (3-2) stays up with the pack by taking advantage of the liusers (1-4) who fall to a tie for last place. Once again, the liusers are done in by Donovan McNabb's ineffectiveness who also bruised his right fibula during the game. X-Rays were negative, but race card scan results were inconclusive. Now deposed Monday Night Football commentator, Rush Limbaugh, was seen lurking above the Philly tunnel with a bed sheet on which was scrawled the word, "O-VER-RA-TED". Coach Brent Liu when asked after the game said that although McNabb is suffering in performance now, "I have to stick with my horse. Can't trade him. . .can't shoot him. Just going to have to kick the snot out of some Chunky Soup cans tomorrow." liusers WR, Randy Moss, had a stellar performance with two spectacular touchdowns but lamented "It was our defense that gave the game away." Coach Elijah Liao of the Football team was asked by several reporters who were the game stars and he couldn't come up with an answer, "I guess we just bored them to death."

Kitna Kaboodle 65.87 - The Cough Drops 46.27

In a heated internecine game, the Kaboodle (4-1) returned to their winning ways over The Cough Drops (2-3). This week it wasn't the quarterbacks who starred, but the running backs. Clinton Portis of the Kaboodle ran for what seemed like forever on his way to 141 yards running, one touchdown and 79 yards receiving, Portis' backup, Travis Henry returned from a bad chest to add another 99 all purpose yards and two touchdowns. Henry's backup, Garrison Hearst romped over the subs for 74 yards running in a meaningless fourth quarter. When accused of running up the score, Coach Laurie Len stated, "Yeah I was running up the score. I just want to make sure that The Cough Drops know who owns this house. We want this game to bug them like some bad squeaky floor that they have to walk over every stinkin' day. Besides, somewhere out there there's a points fantasy league that needs this blowout." The Cough Drops could have used some cough drops as QB Tommy Maddox choked in the big game by throwing two interceptions and losing a bad snap. Benched QB, Brad Johnson, was visibly upset during locker room interviews and was seen shoving the team mascot, a very large Ricola, in the tunnel after the game.

Bleed Blue 73.37 - Stews Crew 2 72.72

In a 0.65 point squeaker, the Blue (2-3) drew closer to .500 at the expense of the Crew (3-2)--who were vying for a share of first. The Crew's David Boston 181 and 2 TD performance just wasn't enough and his one mistake, a fumble at the Blue's one, cost the Crew a chance of winning. The Crew's defense was surprisingly good with 13 points allowed and one interception, but the Blue's D was better, allowing only 7 points, stacking up three sacks, two interceptions and two safeties. Coach Willie said, "It was all about the defense. Next week when Edge gets back, we'll be in better shape. We facing Philly and although they're wounded now, we expected a helluva game as we claw our way to respectability."

This week's waiver priorities:

10 liusers 1-4-0 .200 269.90 L-4
9 Fumblers 1-4-0 .200 281.92 W-1
8 Bleed Blue 2-3-0 .400 244.41 W-1
7 The Cough Drops 2-3-0 .400 257.40 L-1
6 flying pigskins 2-3-0 .400 316.60 W-1
5 Football Team 3-2-0 .600 286.30 W-1
4 Sleepas 3-2-0 .600 338.90 L-1
3 Stews Crew 2 3-2-0 .600 364.10 L-1
2 Grant Gophirs 4-1-0 .800 374.24 L-1
1 Kitna Kaboodle 4-1-0 .800 384.23 W-2

Send me waiver requests by Wednesday midnight.