Season 2004, Week 1

Gophirs Collision Due to Green Might
This Team Stinks 71.71 – Ophir Gophirs 53.77

The Gophirs (0-1) held last year’s best record in the league partially due to Ahman Green. The same Ahman Green who ran from the Gophirs in the off season to This Team Stinks (1-0). The same Ahman Green who ran over the Gophirs in last Sunday’s opener. On 119 yards and three touchdowns, Green made roadkill of the Gophirs who were unable to move the ball against the stingy Stinks’ defense.

The Stinks’ defense also made short work of the Gophirs much ballyhooed ground game: Deuce McAllister, Travis Henry and Eddie George were held to no scores. The Gophir camp is already brimming with rumors that Trent Green’s performance and the disappointing running game has already soured the coaching staff on their chances to lead the Gophirs back into contention.

Conversely, Ahman Green’s continuance of dominance extending from last year have given many in Stinks Nation cause to dream of a possible Shark Bowl appearance. Sales of deodorant have skyrocketed in the Stinks’ hometown as sticks of Secret and Old Spice have begun to show up in the unlikeliest of places: taped to Stinks fans during games. "STINK STINK NO MO’" read one fans post game signage.


Daunte’s Inferno is Blue Flamed
Laurie’s Team 100.04 – Blue Power 91.98

In the opening round of their Shark Tank Bowl championship defense, Blue Power (0-1) was felled by Laurie’s Team (1-0) in an explosive match up. Laurie’s Team, behind the virtually unstoppable Daunte Culpepper, rolled to five touchdowns, touchdowns that were key in staying in front of Blue’s Payton Manning and Curtis Martin (196 yards rushing and two TDs). Manning’s heroics in keeping Blue in the game simply could not withstand the offensive tidal wave like onslaught that is Daunte to Randy—who himself was responsible for catching two of Culpepper’s short passes into the end zone.

The Blue are left to wondering if they are simply a one year wonder or if they are still suffering from let down after winning it all. Referring to last year’s 8-8 record, Blue’s Coach Willie Wang commented on the poor start, "I think that our secret is that we won’t peak too early. A few losses now and we’ll have them right where we want ‘em.



Presidential Campaign McNabbed by Jungernauts
Jungernaut 94.70 – Portis for President 66.36

A rejuvenated Donovan McNabb and the Jungernauts (1-0) pounded the Portis for President (0-1) with 330 yards and 4 touchdowns. Last season’s most disappointing quarterback opened the 2004 campaign determined to prove last season’s doubters wrong. "This one is for Brent" was the only comment given during the post game interview by the much maligned quarterback. The Portises were attacked not only from the air, but from the ground, with the Jungernaut’s LaDainian Tomlinson and Domanak Davis combining for 208 ground yards.

The surprising victory left Jungernaut fans, used to losing, with egg on their paper bagged faces. Many fans were not sure what to do when the final whistle sounded—some even angry. Indeed, some players themselves were at a loss during the post game interviews, well dressed Armani Toomer tried to express his feelings, "How does it feel? I’m not sure. If you ask me I guess it good…no, no, that’s not it. It feels weird. Yah, that’s it. It’s just…weird. Are you sure the game is over? So this is winning? I think I'm gonna be sick."


Shazaam! Liusers No Longer Losers
Liusers 108.55, Shazaam! 68.77

The Liusers are on a quest to prove that 2003 was a fluke as they began their worst-to-first 2004 campaign with a 108.55-68.77 shellacking of Shazaam!

Brett Favre, making his 15,982nd start in a row at QB was steady but it was new acquisitions Terrell Owens and Priest Holmes that provided the difference as each hit paydirt three times. "It is ironic that T.O. is my man after the horror that was Donovan McNabb," said Liusers coach Brent Liu.

Owens had a different take. "If T.O. could throw to T.O., T.O. would," Owens said. "But T.O. needs someone throw T.O. the rock. At least I have a brother throwin' me the rock that's overrated 'cos he's a brother instead of a guy that looks like a rat, and smells like a rat and is probably a rat."

Liusers backup QB Jeff Garcia, was not amused. "We're just startin' the season and T.O. has to create all this fuss and dissension. Besides, why is he accusing me? I ain't the one shakin' pompoms after scoring touchdowns. He's single, flamboyant, stylish and wears lycra warmups. But I'm happy he had a good game and we needed this win, yadda, yadda, yadda."

Shazaam! got contributions for Marshall Faulk and Edgerrin James who both went well over 100 yards rushing. Asked about his picks, coach Aaron Len was surprised. "Faulk and James? They're #1 and #2, baby! Wait... what? This isn't 1999?"


Flying Pigs, Skinned and Stewed
Just Stew It 103.16, flying pigskins 67.84

Controversy reigned supreme as Just Stew It's (1-0) lopsided victory was marred by the fact that coach Stewart Chang failed to play a rookie as required by the league constitution. Pigskins (0-1) coach Kalvin Sid demanded an explanation. "We should replay the game or better yet, they should forfeit for playing with an illegal roster."

Chang was contrite after the game. Speaking from his castle in Ireland or a chateau in France, Chang said, "I'm sorry. I want to apologize to my players, my coaching staff, my owners, my mother, my friends, my pet iguana and the dude I cut off on the freeway three weeks ago. But most importantly I want to apologize to the fans. It will never happen again." When asked about apologizing to the pigskins, Chang said, "You're kidding, right? This is FOOTBALL. This is war. You don't apologize to your stinkin' opponent. That shows weakness."

The Commissioner upheld the win due to the margin of victory that was provided by stellar performances by two-time Super Bowl MVP and all-around heartthrob Tom Brady, who threw for three touchdowns and Shaun Alexander who scored three times. However, Alexander has a bone bruise in his knee and may miss further action. "Serves him right," said an incensed Coach Sid. "The football gods frown upon rule-breakers."

The performance of Tiki Barber, the lone bright spot as he broke a 72-yard touchdown run for the pigskins, didn't make up for the loss of Anquan Boldin or the pathetic performance of DeShaun Foster. "Hey, my team didn't give me the SUV I was supposed to drive around in. How am I supposed to perform without my H2?"

The Commissioner’s Office reviewed the game in question and ruled in favor of upholding the current results. A terse press release from the Commissioner’s Office was released:

"It is not in the interests of the Shark Tank League to declare the game in forfeit. The game does not meet the necessary and required criteria for such a forfeiture nor does the game meet the standards for replaying contested games as established in the league’s bylaws and detailed in sections 20.4(all), 20.5(a) and 21.1(a) as enacted by the Rules Committee during the tri-annual league review, specifically the Rules Committee of 2003.

The final mitigating factor is that the Stew crushed the Pigskins so bad, I don’t know why they ain’t crying to their mommas instead."