Week Eight

(guitar riffs, lots of feedback, images of old, big hair, 80's metal rock stars cavorting with 18 year old women dance across your screen, singing:)

"Welcome to the Shark Tank!"

(more guitar riffs, fade to "Shark Tank" logo, big image of a computer generated shark emerges from behind the logo, swims around a few times, smacking football helmets of the various league teams off the screen with his tail, then engulfs the "Shark Tank" logo and then explodes in a million little bits of fish flesh as image cuts to sportcasters)

Summary of this last weekend's action:

Kitna Kaboodle 87.32 - Sleepas 77.94

In a battle that would drop one of three teams from the ranks of second place, the Kaboodles (5-2) stayed in the hunt for first by outlasting the Sleepas (4-3) in a heated battle. Travis Henry returned to his early season form by punching two touchdowns in with 167 yards on the ground. He was the leading star of a veritable galaxy of running backs. Fellow stars, Clinton Portis (160 combined yards and 1 TD) and Garrison Hearst (155 yards and 1 TD), were running at warp speed to seek out victory and put the Sleepas into a black hole. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaa" was the only intelligible quote from Sleepas' coach, Aaron Len. "NOW WE'RE COOKIN' WITH GAS" gushed Kaboodle Koach, Laurie Len, "which is appropriate since our house just got the gas stove connected. So I guess maybe I should be yelling, NOW WE'RE COOKIN' WITH A GAS STOVE. . .but I guess that would sound silly. . .so I won't say that." Many reporters looked confused.

The Cough Drops 40.02 - Stews Crew 2 39.60

In an amazing come from behind win, the Cough Drops (4-3) pulled themselves into the first division, dropping of the hard luck StewsCrew to 3-4. Losing by only 42/100ths of a point, it was the ineffective play of Johnny Morton (10 combined yards = .50 points) in this Monday night matchup. Strangely, the Crew didn't even start a quarterback and used only one wide receiver in a new formation that included eight offensive linemen and required the ball snapped directly to the fullback. "Well, we. . .choked. We should have won. We could have used a real cough drop we choked so bad. . .instead of that oversized Vicks they have over there. . .over. . .sorry I-I-I. . .can't go on. . .this is a good. . .no great. . .bunch of guys we have here and. . .and. . .and. .. we're doing something special. . .it's hard to see. . .some. . .something like this. . .happen" said coach Dan Chang as he broke down into tears. For the many fans who were despondent after the game, video replays of famous Red Sox playoff games were distributed to try to lighten up the mood.

Game Notes: Although not a Bruin and so unqualified for the J.J. Stokes Trophey, Morton hailed from USC and qualifies the Crew to win the related, J. J. Stokes Blue Ribbon for Ineptitude Following a Good Week.

liusers 84.15 - flying pigskins 35.10

"WE WON, WE WON WE WON" screamed Coach Brent Liu as he and the liusers (2-5) streamed onto the field when their win broke a terrible 5 game losing streak against the flying pigskins (2-5). A great collective sigh of relief was breathed across liuser Nation and the palpable tension melted away. Comments made by Liu earlier in the week almost seemed like the liusers had rolled over like a dog: "We stink, I give up, we might as well give [the leading team] McNabb too. I don't care" It is rumored that after a brief conversation with an opposing general manager that caused the team to make some changes, starting Matt Hasselbeck at quarterback. liusers' wideout, Terry Glenn, responded with a three TD performance as the liusers went on to crush the hapless pigskins. Overheard in the locker room during the postgame speach, Coach Kalvin Sid said, "Ugh. Guys, we ain't flying so much anymore. . .Suck it up! We need to get out there and play our game! The way we played, they should call us the flamin' pigskins! Er, wait. . .that would imply that we were gay. . .uh. . .not that there's anything wrong with it. . .shooot. . .eh, maybe they would call us the fried pigskins. Flogged pigskins. Flayed pigskins. Flambed pigskins. Whatever. You get the idea. PLAY HARD!".

Football Team 69.49 - Fumblers 64.90

Unable to repeat last week's success and harnessed by the Football Team's (5-2) stout defense this week, the Fumblers' (2-5) Stephen Davis could not lead his team to a win. The loss wasted the fine work of Steve McNair and Deuce McAllister. The Football Team finally got a decent, if not stellar, performance out of underachieving Aaron Brooks. Said Coach Liao, "Finally. Dude was sucking bad for a few weeks there. But, whatever. We got the win this week, which is good and considering our number 2 [quarterback] is Brees, this win saves me from having to start him next week. Then again, I don't care, I'm watching the playoffs. The fan side of me says I don't care about the series, but the analyst side of me likes the Yanks-Marlins matchup. GO FISH." The Fumblers were unable to add to their two game winning streak and fall into a four way tie for the last two playoff spots with the pigskins, the Blue and the liusers.

Grant Gophirs 78.66 - Bleed Blue 40.40

The game proved to be a routine workmanlike win for the Gophirs (6-1). The Blue (2-5) were just ineffective on offense, unable to get any production from their passing or running game. Again, veteran quarterbacks, Brett Favre and Rich Gannon, rode the pine as the Blue went with youth, starting Patrick Ramsey. Unfortunately youth was not served, nor did it pass for many touchdowns. The Blue's bright spot proved to be their surprising defense, which generated their only offense of the day, scoring a touchdown. "Well, there's always basketball," said the sports magnate owner coach of the Blue, Willie Wang.

The upcoming week appears to be the battle of the first division against the second division. This could be a week where some movement in the standings may be possible, depending on who is upset. You only have to see the 85 point outburst from the liusers to know that "on any given Sunday. . ."

The Cough Drops @ the Gophirs
Sleepas @ Bleed Blue
liusers @ Kitna Kaboodle
Football Team @ flying pigskins
Fumblers @ Stews Crew 2

This week's waiver priority:

10 Bleed Blue 2-5-0 .286 348.53 L-2
9 flying pigskins 2-5-0 .286 372.67 L-2
8 Fumblers 2-5-0 .286 398.07 L-1
7 liusers 2-5-0 .286 399.47 W-1
6 Stews Crew 2 3-4-0 .429 463.51 L-3
5 The Cough Drops 4-3-0 .571 376.63 W-2
4 Sleepas 4-3-0 .571 461.48 L-1
3 Football Team 5-2-0 .714 450.30 W-3
2 Kitna Kaboodle 5-2-0 .714 525.53 W-1
1 Grant Gophirs 6-1-0 .857 522.34 W-2

As usual, provide waiver list actions by Wednesday night.