Week Nine

Welcome to the Shark Tank, week eight.

Blockbuster trade as the Blue send Rich Gannon and Antwoin Smith to the liusers for Donovan McNabb and Meshawn Johnson.

It was a strange week as favorites were decimated by underdogs (THANKS, BRENT!) and some of the underdogs who should have won, rolled over and played dead (THANKS, DAN!).

Bleed Blue 50.82 - Sleepas 50.80
It is said that football is a game of inches and nowhere was it proven to be true than in the Blue - Sleepas game. The Blue (3-5) passed the Sleepas (4-4) by the merest of margins, 2 / 100ths of a point. Newly acquired Blue quarterback, Donovan McNabb, contributed a touchdown to the overall team effort and said afterwards, "Yah, this was a sweet victory for me, to get off a liuser team and get to a place where I could contribute, even be admired and loved. Yo, Chunky Soup, KISS MY. . .can." Also traded as part of the deal, Meshawn Johnson was seen in the locker room, hawking copies of his book, Just Give Me the Damn Ball.

The Sleepas, could not get anything going from the passing game and only generated offense from Jamal Lewis, who ran for 134 yards and a score. "If Jamal had run for an extra yard, we wouldn't be looking at the wrong side of a win. The mistake was that I didn't leave him in there long enough," said the Sleepas new running back coach, Grady Little. Reminded that Lewis played the whole game, Little replied, "Well, he's our ace, and I think he has enough in his tank. Besides he's rested a whole six days."

liusers 101.87 - Kitna Kaboodle 79.46
The other side of the McNabb/Gannon trade also fared well this week as the liusers (3-5) extended their longest win streak of the season to two at the expense of the formerly second place Kaboodle. Although the Kaboodle had steller performances by their defense and wideout Hines Ward (two touchdowns), they were skewered by the overacheiving Harris who surprised everybody by rambling for three trips to the end zone on only 81 yards.

Rubbing his hands together, Coach Brent Liu was happy enough to light up a cheroot with the guys down in the locker room. . .blithly dumped his ashes on a pile of unused Donovan McNabb jersies and remarked, "Ahhh, yes, I LIKE IT when a plan comes together. You like that Arlen Harris? I tell you, he was a GREAT pick."

Game Notes: Scary Collins was waived by the Kaboodle this week and when asked by a sideline reporter at a NBA preseason game, vowed revenge against his former mistress, referring to Coach Len, "I'll show them, I could have had a career day today, but I'll have to do that in a place where I could contribute, even be admired and loved."

Stews Crew 2 74.93 - Fumblers 69.99
After looking like they would challenge the league for top honors, the Crew (4-4) slumped into a three game losing streak which they snapped only this last weekend as they overcame the Fumblers (2-6) by only five points. The Crew's Payton Manning once again delivered the goods and Eddie George liked the end zone so much that he visited twice as Coach Chang's team climbed back to .500 to claim a piece of fourth place. Trying to divert attention from his emotional press conference last week, Coach Chang said, "It's great to finally get back into the win column, but truthfully, we know that the playoffs include practically everybody, so we were never really out of it. The guys were loose and we didn't panic; so we just focused on the post season. The win is just icing on the cake."

The Fumbler's Steven Davis ripped off 178 yards for two scores but was miffed in the postgame conference when Fumblers' coach, Byron Jung, referred to the star running back as "Grey Davis" who "isn't so good. . .oh, recalled?. . .I meant Chili Davis. . .oh, DH?. . .I meant Miles Davis. . .oh, the jazz great?. . .oh. . .he's dead?. . .oh. . . Darious Miles? Wrong sport? OH. . . .right, Steven Davis. Yah, he isn't so great. Just ask his mom." Steven Davis responded, "If it weren't for the fact that coach doesn't think anybody is good, I would be requesting a trade to a place where I could contribute, even be admired and loved. But it's ok, I'm happy enough here, so long as we keep getting free sodas in the locker room." The Fumblers' were let down by an uncharisteric day by MVP candidate, Steve McNair. "See? I told you he wasn't that good," lamented coach Jung.

Football Team 61.94 - flying pigskins 38.01
The Football Team improved their record to 6-2 by winning their fourth contest in a row. The now hot team has overcome consistency problems at the quarterback position after Aaron Brooks was benched for one start in favor of backup, Gus Frerotte, a few weeks ago. The young quarterback said before yesterday's game, "I think the turning point was when I sat down with coach after the benching and we had a heart to heart. Basically, I know that I'm in a place where I could contribute, even be admired and loved. That makes a big difference. Now that the baseball season is over, I think coach can focus on his job more." Coach Liao was unavailable at the postgame conference, some saying that they last saw the coach in his office muttering about the poor default rankings for Yahoo Baskeball autopick drafts.

The pigskins (2-6) are realizing that Brian Leftwich is not the rightwich answer, having completed three passes to opposing defenders in the contest, adding to the pigskin's woes is that Fraud Taylor beginning to look like a con man with only 48 yards on the ground. Once again, Leftwich and Taylor cannot be held totally responsible as they were betrayed by their kicker, Sebastian Janikowski, who was absent from the lineup with no explaination. The contestant of the Gillette pregame "Million Dollar Kick" contest had to be pressed into service, with predictable results--no points. Once again, pigskin Nation is left to answer "what ifs" concerning Daunte Culpepper, their other quarterback who rode the pine this weekend. When asked if the pigskins would seek to bolster their roster with the rumored signing of free agent, Amp Lee, Coach Sid replied, "I can't comment at this time, if we were interested in Amp Lee we would still have to secure the scouting reports. By the way, Madden 2003 isn't that much from Madden 2004, right? Well, just so, I assume that they do have a Game Boy Advance version, right? Otherwise, I'm toast."

Grant Gophirs 75.91- The Cough Drops, Presented by Ricola 61.07
Despite picking up much needed sponsorship revenue from selling their naming rights to cough drop conglomerate, Ricola, the Cough Drops (4-4) needed some anasthetic after the operation the league leading Gophirs (7-1) and Priest Holmes put them through. Holmes ran for only 83 yards, but it was an efficient 83 yards as he visited the end zone thrice. However, it was at some cost as the Gophirs will be without the services of their top rusher in Shark Tank action next week. "Incentive clause, after I dominate the league for eight weeks I get one week off to visit the Bahamas," noted Holmes--sporting a brightly colored Hawaiian shirt, banana leaf hat, flip flops, sunglasses and an umbrella drink, "check it out, it's in my contract; after all I'm in a place where I could contribute, even be admired and loved." Bemoaned Coach Chinn of the soon to be missing running back, "What are we going to do??? We have to rely on our second stringer. . .frankly, I sure hope [Ahman] Green is up to the task. We'll have to get him reps in practice and see how he fares."

The Cough Drops just weren't up to the task; perhaps it was the wildfires forcing the relocation of the Monday game to Arizona causing the Drops to miss their home field advantage. Whatever it was the Drops needed more from Thomlinson's one touchdown on 62 yards on the ground and 80 aerial yards. "Maybe we can take some of the Ricola money and buy us a win on eBay," quipped coach and noted auctionhound, Dan Len.

Looking forward to next week:

Gophirs v. Crew - Can the Crew continue to improve?
Sleepas @ Drops - Will the brothers be civil this week?
liusers v. Blue - Would Brent get McNabb back from Willie for this week?
Team v. Kaboodle - Can Laurie beat Elijah for me?
Fumblers @ pigskins - The Battle for Last, Part Deux

This week's waiver priority list:

10 flying pigskins 2-6-0 .250 410.68 L-3
9 Fumblers 2-6-0 .250 468.06 L-2
8 Bleed Blue 3-5-0 .375 399.29 W-1
7 liusers 3-5-0 .375 501.34 W-2
6 The Cough Drops 4-4-0 .500 437.70 L-1
5 Sleepas 4-4-0 .500 512.28 L-2
4 Stews Crew 2 4-4-0 .500 538.44 W-1
3 Kitna Kaboodle 5-3-0 .625 604.99 L-1
2 Football Team 6-2-0 .750 512.19 W-4
1 Grant Gophirs 7-1-0 .875 598.25 W-3

As is usual, send me waiver requests by Wednesday night.