Shark Tank Football - Week 2

Just Stew It 82.33 - This Team Stinks 77.97

A balanced attack and the heroics of the dreamy Tom Brady helped Just Stew It (2-0) to a slim victory over This Team Stinks (1-1).

Coach Stewart Chang lauded the exploits of his All-American quarterback. "Here's a joke I heard about Tom this week. 'Tom Brady walks into a bar. He doesn't walk out alone.' Okay, so it's not that funny but it's true. Tom Brady is the MAN."

Kevan Barlow's two touchdowns, Michael Vick's 100-yard rushing and Baltimore defense were not enough to keep Stinks undefeated. But David Terrell's negative output incensed his teammates. "If the guy just caught 30 yards worth of passes and ran in the direction he's supposed to run and held on to the stinkin ball, we would've won," said Coach Elijah Liao. "We tried to tell him to run in the right direction but he just got all confused and dropped the ball. In the words of my hero, Donald J. Trump, "You're FIRED."

Blue Power 77.39 - Ophir Gophirs 45.14

Blue Power (1-1) got off the schneid thanks to the performances Peyton Manning and Curtis F. Martin ("F" stands for freakin', of course) which paced Blue to an easy win over the hapless Gophirs (0-2).

Martin felt dissed after being drafted so low. "Man, I've run for almost 12,000 yards and ran for 1,300 last year. So I only scored two touchdowns. And I was like the 20th running back drafted? I tell you, nobody on this team gets no respect. We win the championship last year and people still think we're a fluke. I guarantee we'll win it again."

The Gophirs got shaky performances up and down the board but were devastated by an injury to first-round pick Deuce McAllister. This will place backup Aaron Stecker into duty for Week 3. "It's time to take off the diapers and grow up," said Coach Rob Chinn. Stecker was not happy about the comment. "I don't need no motivation. I don't need another grown man telling me to take my diapers off," said Stecker. "However, I hear the Huggies are on sale at Costco for the next two weeks with a coupon. Maybe Coach can stock up for his kids. And Jeremy Shockey."

50-year old Eddie George had a solid game but was relegated to the bench. Speaking of diapers, Coach Chinn was asked whether George wore boxers or briefs. Coach Chinn said, "Depends."

The Jungernauts 105.13 - unDaunted 70.94

In the surprise of the early 21st century, the Jungernauts moved to 2-0 with a convincing victory over unDaunted (1-1).

The Jungernauts got another standout performance from Donovan F. McNabb ("F" inserted courtesy of Brent Liu) and Warrick Dunn. Warrick Dunn? "Hey, we little guys have to stick together," said Coach Jung. Indeed, Dunn, who is listed as 5-9, 180 pounds but is really 5-4, 120 pounds, is towered over by the imposing figure of Coach Jung. "When he first got here, I thought he was our mascot. But when he fetched our water, I thought, 'This guy.... he's... he's... pretty fast!' So we put him in."

The combination of Daunte Culpepper and Randy Moss was productive but not enough to stop the undefeated Jungernauts. "I would have bet my 2005 pity pick that they wouldn't be 2-0," said a disappointed Laurie Len.

Flying Pigskins 111.31 - Shazaam! 106.94

In the highest scoring game of Week 2, Aaron Brooks led the Flying Pigskins (1-1) with three touchdown passes and Jamal Lewis hit paydirt twice as the Pigskins evened their record with a 111.31-106.94 win over Shazaam! (0-2).

Despite his breakout preformance, Brooks was asked, not about the game, but about his uncanny resemblance to comedian Martin Lawrence. Brooks suddenly exploded. "I ain't no Martin Lawrence! I just throw passes to stupid receivers that score stupid touchdowns to win stupid games that attract lots of attention." Receiver Torry Holt told Brooks, "I should jump over some more DBs and smack you upside the head."

Shazaam! was disappointed after intercepting Pigskins tailback DeShaun Foster's spankin' new Humvee. "I told Jerry Rice, since he wasn't doing anything on Sunday, to try to carjack that SUV that he heard Coach Sid sent to appease his star tailback. I thought by takin' away the bum's ride, he wouldn't play," said coach Aaron Len. "We tried, DANG IT, but it didn't work. We should've stopped the Pigskins team bus instead."

Shazaam did get solid performances from running backs Edgerrin James and Chris "Dickerson" Brown. But unfortunately, quarterback Matt Hasselbeck didn't play up to par. "I should've started Gannon. Especially since I now know he wasn't looking to throw to guys in their 40s. We could've won."

Portis for President 72.47 - The Itsarats 62.66

Teams that have changed names rarely have immediate success. The Washington Wizards nee Bullets haven't been to the NBA playoffs since changing their name. The St. John's athletic program recently changed their name from the Redmen to the Red Storm and what happens? Charges of frequenting strip clubs and sexual assault by their men's basketball team. The Vancouver Grizzlies moved to Memphis but retained their name despite the absence of bears in Tennessee. And they lure one of the best basketball executives in history and make the playoffs for the first time.

Coach Brent Liu decided to tempt fate by changing his team's name from the Liusers to the Itsarats and disaster struck. The Itsarats (1-1) lost nearly 50% of their point total from Week 1 to fall to the flying Portises (1-1) by the final of 72.47-62.66.

Liu said that he had a very practical reason for changing his team's name. "We weren't selling enough jerseys with the fans. Apparently a jersey that has 'Liusers' written across the front wasn't very popular. So we decided to change our team colors and give it a new look to make more money. And ultimately, the scoreboard isn't the result on the field but the bottom line off of it." Asked about tempting fate, Liu answered, "Hey! You mentioned the Grizzlies but the Tennessee Oilers became the Tennessee Flaming Thumbtacks and went 13-3 back-to-back and went to the Super Bowl. So it ain't all bad."

Priest Holmes was defrocked by a stingy Port for Prez defense as he was held to only 66 yards and one score. Other running backs for the Itsarats also struggled as Quentin Griffin and Rudi Johnson were severly limited in their production. Meanwhile, though Clinton Portis did not have his best game, Thomas Jones exploded with 152 yards and a touchdown and newly minted rookie Keary Colbert had a scoring reception.

Jones had a career day thanks to the new Itsarats uniforms. "For some reason, I don't think lavender is gonna be a very popular color with the fans. All I know is I don't want to be tackled by some guy wearing taffeta."