Shark Tank Football - Week 3 - Sponsored by Madden 2005

John Madden happened by the Shark Tank League office and helped present his insightful commentary for the games of Week 3.

Blue Power 95.17 - This Team Stinks 30.75

In one of the most pathetic team efforts in the long and storied history of Shark Tank Football, This Team Stinks (1-2) put up a paltry 30.75 total in a sound defeat at the hands of Blue Power (2-1).

Peyton Manning fired five touchdown passes in the first half and had coach Willie Wang touting his quarterback as the MVP. "The guy is spectacular. He puts the power in power. Otherwise, I just think of those stupid car dealer commercials that sound like the song from 'Ghostbusters'."

But game analyst and special guest John Madden was not impressed. "You see, Brett Favre is the MVP (link: five-minute audio clip of John Madden impersonator). How many touchdowns did Manning throw? Five, but how many in the second half. ZERO. But let's look at Brett Favre. How many TDs did he throw in the second half when things count more? TWO. And Manning had none. You see, Favre just looks for a green jersey and see the guy runs under the ball and BOOM!, he catches it. And that guy is nothing without Brett Favre. So Favre is the MVP until he can't walk or throw anymore. I mean, Favre can walk on water if he really wanted to. And that's what football and Brett Favre are all about."

Meanwhile, Stinks has hit a new low. No one on the team even scored a touchdown. Coach Elijah Liao was terse in his evaluation of his team and after losing Kellen Winslow and Charlie Garner for the season, he could only say, "I hate this team. But how about this pennant race? The Astros were 56-60 five weeks ago and now are 89-70. And they lost two key guys in Wade Miller and Andy Pettitte. Hey! We lost two guys. So, I mean, we could turn it around...."

Ophir Gophirs 77.26 - THE JUNGERNAUT 65.26

The name-changing curse inflicted the Itsarats last week and this week, the JUNGERNAUT (2-1) tempted fate and lost to the formerly winless Gophirs (1-2). The taunting probably didn't help appease the fantasy football gods eiher.

"Nice of Trent Green to show up," said a satisfied Rob Chinn. And Aaron Stecker graduated from Huggies with 106 yards and a touchdown. "He is now housebroken," said Chinn.

While Donovan F. McNabb had another stellar performance, his moonwalk celebration concerned coach Byron Jung. "I don't know if imitating Michael Jackson is such a good idea right now. I mean, Donovan is great with kids but I don't want any rumors to start." To that thought, McNabb just wanted to emulate the swagger of his head coach. "Coach was telling us all week that we're all that. So I just wanted to have some fun. I guess we should've spent more time practicing this week instead of practicing touchdown celeberations. It's too bad - we had a number where all 11 of us did a choreographed routine. We would have put synchronized swimmers to shame."

When asked about McNabb for MVP, Madden said, "He's just a great player. I mean, if you're the other team, you have to stop him. If you don't stop him, you'll lose. But is he better than Brett Favre? No. But Donovan McNabb just needs to keep being Donovan McNabb and the JUNGERNAUT will be fine. Then again, if he's someone else, then [guffaw] he's not Donovan McNabb anymore!"

The Itsarats 99.35 - unDaunted 77.82

Brett Favre and Terrell Owens got the Itsarats (2-1) back on the beam en route to a victory. The team decided not to change its name and it paid off in spades.

Daunte Culpepper and Randy also had an MVP-level performances but the lack of support from the team's role players prevented unDaunted from keeping up with the high-flying Itsarats.

Terrell Owens wanted to prove who the best WR in the Shark Tank was. "Who's the biggest shark? That would be T.O.!" proclaimed a jubilant Owens in the locker room. But Madden was still talking about Favre. "You see, Owens is great receiver. But Brett Favre only needs Owens because he wants to involve his teammates. I mean, Favre can throw it 60 yards and run under it and catch it himself but he wants to get other guys involved. And that's what an MVP is all about."

flying pigskins 118.43 - Portis for President 91.42

Running backs Jamal Lewis and Tiki Barber helped propel the surprising Flying Pigskins (2-1) atop the Shark Tank standings with a victory over Portis for President (1-2).

The Pigskins' defense also had a big game and Torry Holt, Hines Ward and Aaron Brooks each posted double-digit performances. "We're just playing good hard-nosed football right now," said Coach Kalvin Sid after the team's second consecutive game over 100 points. "Anytime I can beat one of the Lens, it's a good week. Last week, Aaron. This week, Dan. I'm looking forward to taking down Laurie this week. If I only played Lens, I'd be undefeated! When can Jamie start coaching? I need WINS!"

Portis for Prez coach Dan Len felt the insult toward his family name was uncalled for. "He's just discriminating against us. Just wait until the playoffs. Jamie will kick the flying pigskins into oblivion."

Madden was complementary of the pigskins' defense. "They've got great speed on that defense. In order to tackle guys, you have to be able to catch them first. And they put themselves in a good position to catch the other guys. I mean, [guffaw] they came out ready to play today! That's just great football and great football is great football."

Shazaam!! 107.79 - Just Stew It 101.17

Coach Aaron Len got into the win column. Rookie wideout Roy Williams scored twice to help Shazaam!! (1-2) to its first victory with a close win over Just Stew It (2-1). With the loss, this assures no team will go undefeated this year. The $1,000,000 DeShaun Foster UCLA Scholarship Fund going to any owner who goes undefeated will remain unclaimed for another year.

Shaun Alexander had three more touchdowns but came up short. And Kurt Warner could not work his magic for Just Stew It. The difference came when Tyrone Wheatley busted a 60-yard run but was caught from behind. Coach Stewart Chang was incensed. "He had a five-yard lead and he got caught. That was the difference. If he scores, we win. That's it. Stupid slow power running backs. We need to go to a vertical game."

Len was his typical content self after the game. "Even if we lost, it doesn't matter. We'd make the playoffs somehow anyway. But this is payback for all the bad rookies I've had the past few years. Williams is no Amp Lee but he's pretty good!"

The rookies provided a stark contrast: Williams' 21+ points and Rashaun Woods' zero. "That's the difference right there," said John Madden. "I mean, you have to score more points than the other team to win. And if you score fewer points than your opponent, you lose. And that's what football is all about."