Shark Tank Football - Week 4 - Sponsored by the Commission on Shark Tank Debates

Mass chaos took place in the Shark Tank in Week 4. But cooler heads prevailed... but then again, do 'cooler heads' ever do anything but prevail?

THE BIG TRADE

The Itsarats dealt RB Rudi Johnson and WR Terrell Owens to the team formerly known as the Flying Pigskins in exchange for RB Jamal Lewis and WR Anquan Boldin.

Owens, who is arguably the most valuable player (arguably because of a scoring change - see below - otherwise he would be unquestionably the MVP) had long demanded a trade. Well, long being one week. After the team's victory last week, Owens could be seen screaming at quarterback Brett Favre and Itsarats offensive coordinator Deric Liu.

"Brett Favre just ain't good enough for T.O." said Owens. "T.O. wants to go to a team that throws a lot. Marc Bulger always throws since his team never wants to use their best player. But so long as they throw it T.O.'s way, T.O. will be happy."

Johnson was equally excited going to a first place team. "Times were good here but I think with this new team, we have a chance to win a title. This ain't a knock on my old teammates but they just weren't good enough. This team has got an unbelievable number of weapons. We can go all the way."

Meanwhile, at the Itsarats camp, the addition of Jamal Lewis was met with glee. Especially now that he won't be doing any prison time until after the season. "Jamal is a good guy that's just misunderstood," said coach Brent Liu. "I mean, so he may have been involved in drugs. It doesn't matter. If he can get me 100 yards and two touchdowns every week, I could care less what he does off the field. Unless he gets arrested again since then, he couldn't play. But we support him as a team and we're behind him 100%." When told that Lewis may still face league disciplinary action, Liu said, "Well, the league is unfairly singling him out. So he was dealing drugs. We've all made mistakes. As long we have him back for the stretch run and playoffs. This will keep him fresh anyway."

The addition of injured received Anquan Boldin was a nice throw-in. "Boldin is a stud. How the heck he caught 100 passes last year without a quarterback is a testament to his sticktuitiveness and teachability. He's going to be called upon come playoff time to come up big. In the meantime, everyone's got to pick up the slack a little bit. We lost two key guys but to get value, you have to give value. Sometimes, hehe."

COMMISSIONER ACKNOWLEDGES SCORING ERROR

It was discovered last week that passing touchdowns were counted equal to receiving and rushing touchdowns. This was met with surprise but the coaches agreed to keep the scoring as it was. "I mean, it makes sense," said Blue Power quarterback Peyton Manning. "I always thought this scoring was unfair to quarterbacks. This makes more sense. We all know that QB is the most important position."

But one owner in particular was visibly upset. "Of course I'm mad!" screamed This Team Stinks coach Elijah Liao. "I drafted Michael Vick in the third round because I was working under the belief rushing TDs would count more and Vick would run for at least five or six during the season. Now non-athletic white QBs such as Jake Delhomme may be worth as much as Vick. It's an outrage. A complete and utter outrage."

Majority rules however and there was a run on signing quarterbacks in Week 4 as Delhomme, David Carr and Ben Roethlisberger were all signed. "I hope the forward pass is outlawed," continued Liao. "Either that or every team must go back to the single-wing formation. Vick would rock."

Commissioner Robert Chinn said that the scoring change would stand. Liao was not assuaged. "I think it kinda smells if an owner also happens to be commissioner. There's gotta be a conflict of interest in there somewhere...."

The Itsarats 95.21 - Ophir Gophirs 60.90

Priest Holmes had two touchdowns and new Itsarats toy Jamal Lewis both reached double figures as the Itsarats (3-1) coasted to an easy win over the Gophirs (1-3).

Coach Brent Liu was giddy that he has arguably the two most valuable backs in football but he quickly squashed any thoughts of a running back controversy. "They are both my backs. They'll both play. There is no controversy here. Nothing is more divisive to a team that controversy. That's why we had to get rid of Owens. The guy just wouldn't shut up."

Holmes was asked whether he would do a better job than Lewis in preventing another Week 2-type collapse on the Itsarats. "Yes, I do. But before I answer further, let me thank you for asking that question and hosting this press conference. And I'm sure Jamal will join me in welcoming you guys into the press room. You've been through the roughest weeks that anyone could imagine. And our hearts go out to you." Reporters were bemused by Holmes' response.

Shazaam!! 88.72 - Err McNair 45.14

In an intranecine battle of Lens, it was Aaron Len, who described his Shazaam!! (2-2) as "the best [formerly] 1-2 team in football" who lambasted his elder brother's Err McNair nee Portis for President (1-3).

New quarterback David Carr was able to finally cut his hair after Shazaam!! won its second game of the season. "His hair was in the awkward phase," said world-renowned stylist Vidal Sassoon. "I could see he was trying to give his hair a little more sheen and volume but he decided to snip it instead. Japanese hair-straightening is very popular today. But David had just a slight and subtle curl that was exciting. From a styling standpoint, long hair is sexy. But not this long."

Along with Carr, it was the University of Miami triumvirate of Andre Johnson, Edgerrin James and Reggie Wayne that lifted the team. But they were emotionally hurt by the exclusion of fellow Hurricane Bubba Franks from the lineup. "All for one and one for all!" said Johnson. "We all play or we don't. This league would be nothing if it weren't for us guys that played at the 'U'."

Meanwhile, Err McNair coach Dan Len figured that things could not get much worse so the Portis for President Board of Directors authorized the name change. "Curse? Who cares. We're 1-3. If any curse hits us, we'll be better for it." Curse #1 was in the person of injured quarterback Steve McNair who was a game-time scratch. There were mediocre performances across the board. "We needed to change the name because Clinton Portis kept dropping the ball.

"One director thought about changing the team's name to 'Clinton for President' but we figured that was inappropriate given another Clinton's history of questionable decisions, deception to Americans, and problematic character. But enough about Hillary."

Len looked for other players to use for the team's moniker including his rookie wideout Keary Colbert. "'Keary for President' was considered but eventually dismissed because the directors kept flip-flopping about whether to keep the name."

Tiki Torry Terrell 61.86 - unDaunted 55.56

TTT (3-1), the team formerly known as the Flying Pigskins, won their third straight game thanks to large games from tailbacks Tiki Barber and DeShaun Foster as they took advantage of a shorthanded unDaunted (1-3), who lacked the services of Daunte Culpepper and Randy Moss. unDaunted dropped their third straight after their opening week win.

The big hubbub after the game was the absence of newly acquired receiver Terrell Owens. The trade was completed on Saturday in time for the game but Owens did not show up until after the game started. Coach Kalvin Sid was in a forgiving mood. "We won the game... that's what counts. We could have used T.O. but it wasn't a big deal. You just have to deal with distractions in a timely manner." Sid was asked he knew whether Owens would be there by gametime. "No, but when you get the best receiver in football, who cares??"

Some columnists criticized the 3 Ts for acquiring Owens who has had a past of being disruptive in the clubhouse. Sid said, "I understand not everybody in this clubhouse agrees with the decisions I've made. And I've made some tough decisions. But people know where I stand. Fans out there listening know what I believe. I have a duty to defeat my enemies. I have a duty to protect our children and grandchildren."

unDaunted coach Laurie Len was still proud of her team's effort. "We got some good work from guys like Bryant Westbrook and Jimmy Smith but it just wasn't enough." However, some members of the press questioned Len's commitment to her team because of her motherhood. "Priorities are priorities. Being a mother is hard work and I get a lot more satisfaction out of that than winning a stupid football game. Unless it's against my husband. You tell me how many other coaches in the league are being a mother to children."

Just Stew It 87.11 - Blue Power 43.22

The New England connection paced Just Stew It (3-1) into first place in the Shark Tank with a decisive win against the defending champion Blue Power (2-2).

Tom Brady, Corey Dillon, Adam Vinatieri and the defense accounted for more points that the entire Blue Power output for Week 4. Brady said, "You want winners on your team and there aren't any bigger winners than those guys. In fact, during the week after practice, they're out and about around New England. They're out in leading Duck Tours down the Charles, cleaning the peanut shells at Fenway, raking the lovely fall foliage up in Vermont, and teaching astrophysics at M.I.T. These are the type of guys you want in your clubhouse. Good for team chemistry. Or astrophysics."

Just Stew It coach Stewart Chang was quoted earlier this week about "colossal misjudgments" made by his counterpart, Willie Wang. When asked again after the game, Chang said, "Well, where do you want me to begin? He made the mistake of going into this battle without a strong coalition. He had a strong leader in Manning but lacked the support of the troops behind him. What we saw was a failure in leadership." Wang fought back. "These are some the hardest decisions a coach has to make," said Wang in rebuttal.

Meanwhile, Blue Power was without running backs Curtis F. Martin and Onterrio Smith. To complicate matters, Smith has been suspended four games by the league office for substance abuse. "We can't tolerate drug use in the Shark Tank," said Wang. "We'll have to make do without him."

Peyton Manning was a one-man show but Manning started griping about the lack of personnel around him. "I can't win unless I have guys to throw to. Look at my receivers. They stink." Manning was asked if he wanted a trade. "Who do you think I am? My brother? I will stick with the team that drafted me. Unless they move to San Diego."

THE JUNGERNAUT 68.98 - This Team Stinks 41.25

This Team Stinks (1-3) got another negative performance from an important player as they fell to THE JUNGERNAUT (3-1) and tumbled the Shark Tank cellar. This time, Kerry Collins, starting in favor of Michael Vick, turned the ball over five times.

"I feel like plankton. This must be what it feels like to be a flouder," said coach Elijah Liao. Liao has had to deal with a difficult clubhouse caused by the team's bumpy start. Some players think Liao has lost control of the team. Liao was not happy. "We got... a... group of folks that who will not only sabotage this clubhouse but kill any chances we have of making the playoffs."

However, Stinks' team leaders questioned Liao's ability to lead. "He's whining about the rule changes. He benches me, our best player," said Vick. "We need a coach who understands how to bring other players together to recognize their stakes in this. They have stakes in it. They've always had stakes in it. But our coach has pushed them away and said, 'No, no. We'll go do this alone.' That's not a way to invite people."

Liao responded. "That's totally absurd. Of course other players we're invited in. Vick says we don't have any allies in this game. What's he say to Ahman Green of Green Bay? What's he say to Josh Scobee of Jacksonville? Vick can't expect to build an alliance by denigrating the contributions of those he hopes to be winning side by side with on the gridiron."

Vick responded, "When we went in, we had me, Green and [Kevan] Barlow. That's not a grand coalition, we could do better."

Liao said, "Well, actually, he forgot Scobee. Our coalition is strong so long as I'm the coach." Vick was last seen laughing and shaking his head.