Shark Tank Football - Week 5

It was another eventful week in the Shark Tank as further stratification continued. The elite continued to excel and the dregs continued to ... well... suck. Four teams sport a 4-1 record while perhaps the best team in the league, Shazaam!!, boasts the highest point total and a 3-2 record. Meanwhile, four teams are 1-4. Misery loves company as Week 5 in the Shark Tank proved.

FreeJamal 72.73 - This Team Stinks 58.99

Brett Favre's 338 yards and two touchdowns on Monday night helped FreeJamal (4-1) to rally to victory against the hapless This Team Stinks (1-4). Despite three interceptions, Favre did enough to offset the Monday night performance of Ahman Green who put up a measly 33 yards and coughed up a fumble. FreeJamal tight end Antonio Gates scored twice.

Jamal Lewis ran for 116 yards in his final game before serving a two-game suspension handed down by the league for an ill-fated cell phone call in violation of federal law. Lewis wanted to accept the league mandate and move on and now that the plea agreement has been all but finalized, he spoke out for the first time about the incident.

"Darn cell phones," said Lewis. "The one time that I get decent reception and a clear signal, the government wiretaps. I knew I was in trouble when the dude I was talking to on the other end asked, 'Can you hear me now? Good.' Then we did our deal... but he just kept asking if I could hear him. Man, that got annoying after awhile. Then some white dude in a black trench coat carrying a cell phone came out, accosted me and told me that I was over my monthly minutes and cuffed me. Then he told me, 'Your days of unfair overages are now over where you'll be going.' Why couldn't Catherine Zeta-Jones have cuffed me instead??"

This Team Stinks had just undergone an overhaul but coach Elijah Liao no longer appeared to care about his last place squad. "This is the worst I've ever felt as a coach. We can't run, we can't pass. All we can do is play defense. And they've got the week off next week under the collective bargaining agreement. Darn unions."

Tiki Torry Terrell 70.89 - Ophir Gophirs 57.33

Tiki Barber ran for 122 yards and a touchdown and caught passes totalling 76 more as TTT (4-1) overcame the benching of Marc Bulger to pullout the win over the Gophirs (1-4).

Rookie Mewelde Moore came out of nowhere and had 182 yards from scrimmage to help the surprising T3 to a win. However, the team was devastated by an injury to DeShaun Foster, who will be out 6-10 weeks with a broken collarbone. On Monday, Foster was unceremoniously sacked by coach Kalvin Sid. Sid was criticized for the move as pundits called the release unprofessional, heartless and surprising given that Foster was a fellow UCLA Bruin.

Sid had a response for his critics. "We're here to win football games. There's no room for school loyalty here. I only said I wanted a Bruin on my team to start the season. DeShaun did his job. But apparently we missed a payment on his H2 and it got repossessed last week. After all, we're paying for his surgery and rehab. What more does he want?"

However, Sid subjected himself to the Curse of the Golden Bear. He now has one Cal alum, kicker Ryan Longwell, on his roster and has summarily ejected his lone Bruin. Gophirs coach and fellow UCLA alum Rob Chinn was worried. "I think Kal has put our football team under severe stress by his move. Oh, I'm not talking about the Gophirs, I'm talking about the UCLA football team. I mean, now they're probably going to lose by 40 points to Cal on Saturday. He HAS to release Longwell and get rid of him right now if we're going to have a chance in Berkeley. Ah heck, even if Longwell gets cut, UCLA will probably still lose by 20. Hopefully, we'll give up fewer than 300 yards rushing. If this continues, next year, Karl Dorrell will be coaching in the Shark Tank and Kal will get that UCLA gig that he's long coveted."

THE JUNGERNAUT 82.12 - Blue Power 70.07

THE JUNGERNAUT (4-1) continued its winning ways as Jake Plummer spelled Donovan McNabb and threw two touchdown passes and the defense got into the endzone as well to defeat the faltering Blue Power (2-3). LaDainian Tomlinson had 144 yards and a touchdown and Domanick Davis and Warrick Dunn each scored as well.

Coach Byron Jung could not be reached because he was on holiday in Canada. But his team said they wanted to win one for the absentee coach. "He's meant so much to us," said Plummer. When asked to expand on that, Plummer was taken aback. "Oh, I don't know how. I just always hear players say that about their coaches. It seemed like the nice and proper thing to say."

Blue Power quarterback Peyton Manning added three more touchdown passes to give him 14 on the season. Duce Staley and rookie receiver Larry Fitzgerald also scored. But a typically stout Blue Power defense came up empty and an active Plaxico Burress would have provided the difference. Coach Willie Wang lamented the loss. "If Burress started instead of Cedrick Wilson, we would've won 82.14 to 82.12. That would've been great. But there's still next week. But I haven't been able to focus on the team as much as I want. My desk is filled with files and casework. We'll do better next week because I've asked Jose Lima to come in and give our team a pep talk now that he's got nothing better to do. We'll be dancing after every play and the entire team will be running onto the field every time we score. It will be Lima Time."

Shazaam! 121.44 - unDaunted 90.44

The Miami Hurricanes aka Shazaam! (3-2) got two touchdowns each from Andre Johnson and Bubba Franks and one more apiece from Reggie Wayne and Edgerrin James as the Canes blew away unDaunted (1-4).

Shazaam! keeps running on all cylinders as they are now the top-scoring team in the Shark Tank. However, the team's rookie standout Roy Williams went down with a sprained left ankle. He hopes to play next week. "I'll be there."

Chris Brown and Franks each scored two touchdowns on Monday night to turn a close game between in-laws into a blowout. Shazaam! coach Aaron Len has now beaten his brother and his brother's wife in consecutive weeks. "This is great!" said Len. "Now if and when I get my place remodeled, I'll be able to move in with them for free. They'll have to cook for me and my wife and we're going to have chocolate-covered strawberries and sushi every night! Yeah, baby!"

unDaunted got 61.31 points from the firm of Culpepper & Moss but only 29.13 from the rest of the team. Coach Laurie Len lamented the imminent increase in their grocery bills. "Strawberries aren't even in season. This will give us incentive if either Dan or I meet Aaron in the playoffs. 'Sushi every night.' We'll see, sushi boy."

Just Stew It 97.31 - Err McNair 73.97

Just Stew It (4-1) moved into first place in the Shark Tank with a resounding win over Err McNair (1-4). The game was not as close as the score would indicate as Err McNair was behind by 40 points going into Monday night's action.

Quarterback Tom Brady passed for only 79 yards but it didn't matter as all he does is win. Shaun Alexander and Eric Johnson each went over 150 yards with a score. Receivers Joe Horn and Lee Evans also struck paydirt as part of a strong, balanced attack.

Coach Stewart Chang attributed his team's success to team camaraderie and food. "Really, the secret is our typical Saturday night team meal. We have a contest to see who can eat the biggest steak. The guys decided to pick on the rookie, Ben Roethlisberger. He's a big guy and has 'burger' in his name. As part of our annual rookie hazing, we made Big Ben eat a six pound prime rib. We were told that we wouldn't have to pay for our meal if someone ate the 96 ounces of meat. He felt a little sick, especially after we put on about a half-pound of horseradish and a liter of au jus. But he got through it and it will make our team stronger. We keep the beef industry in business in this clubhouse. Beef works a lot better than steroids. Believe me."

Err McNair coach Dan Len erred when he benched the team's namesake in favor of Joey Harrington. Tim Rattay would have even produced a better result but not enough to overcome the difference. Coach Dan Len was angry but not about the game. "I'm still upset about having to buy all those strawberries out of season."