Shark Tank Football - Week 7 - Sponsored by Senator John F. Kerry

The league unanimously agreed to fire Donald Trump but he is vowing a return to the Shark Tank via a hostile takeover, perhaps in time for the playoffs. In the meantime, the Shark Tank Football League is back in the hands of its ten owners.

In other exciting news, with the election a week away, the two Presidential candidates have decided that while California is not technically a battleground state, they cannot ignore that the Shark Tank has widespread political influence and clout that extends far beyond the Golden State. Next week, the President of the United States, George W. Bush, will drop by with his comments. This week, the Shark Tank is honored to welcome the junior senator from the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, John F. Kerry, who will give his thoughts on the action in Week 7 in the Shark Tank.

(Editor's Note: Don't worry. Bush will be equally mocked next week. Good times.)

This Team Stinks 128.95 - Shazaam! 56.85

This Team Stinks (3-4) lit up the scoreboard to the tune of 128.95 points in a surprising drubbing of the fledgling Shazaam! (3-4). After a rough stretch during Weeks 3-5, This Team Stinks has posted 225.15 points over the past two weeks. On the other side of the coin, Shazaam!, after a torrid four-week stretch between Weeks 2-5, Shazaam! has not posted more than 60 points over the past two.

"We just caught them at a rough time," said newly minted quarterback Byron Leftwich. "We're hot, they're not." Leftwich threw for 300 yards and two touchdowns to pace the offense. Meanwhile, the stout TTS defense put up 27 thanks to a touchdown by Deion Sanders. Ahman Green had a 90-yard touchdown run and Darrell Jackson, Jerry Porter and Lee Suggs each made a visit to the end zone.

Shazaam! was victimized by Matt Hasselbeck's four interceptions although rookie standout Roy Williams continued to surprise. But barring career games from all their players, Shazaam! was not going to defeat TTS this week.

Senator Kerry weighed in with his thoughts. "TTS needed a change in leadership and that's what they got with Brian Leftwich. Since the outburst by Coach Elijah Liao, TTS has increased production by 63% in the first week and another 34% since Week 6. From the team's nadir in Week 3, overall weekly production has increased by almost 320%. That's the type of leadership we need in the White House and I will do just that. Unlike the current administration, I guarantee a 320% increase in jobs over the next four years. I spoke to Shazaam! in the locker room after the game and I assured them of good things if I get elected next week. Hope is on the way."

ComeBackSoonJamal 101.84 - THE JUNGERNAUT 63.64

In a battle of 4-2 teams, it was Coach Brent Liu's CBSJ (5-2) that whacked THE JUNGERNAUT (4-3). THE JUNGERNAUT failed to start Donovan McNabb who fired four touchdown passes. Instead, Jake Plummer went for 221 yards, one touchdown and two interceptions. Even starting McNabb would not have covered the nearly 40-point margin of victory for CBSJ.

Priest Holmes crossed the goal line four times for CBSJ before leaving the game with a mildly sprained ankle. Along with the performance of Brett Favre (258 yards passing, two touchdowns), CBSJ coasted to a comfortable win.

Senator Kerry was impressed with the performance of Holmes. "He would have been my first pick as well," said the Senator. "I voted to draft him before I voted not to draft him. But he's been good. But he's not good when he's been bad. So he's good now."

Asked to comment on the absence of McNabb in the starting lineup, Kerry said, "Obviously, Coach Byron Jung didn't have an exit strategy. He started out the season so strong but after going 4-1 and boasting about the strength of his team, he didn't count the possibility of internal turmoil and revolt. If the great people of this great nation elect me next week, I will promise the withdrawal of troops and have better play-calling in the Shark Tank."

Ophir Gophirs 69.89 - Err McNair 68.05

A furious and desperate rally by Err McNair (1-6) on Monday night fell short as the Gophirs (3-4) tallied their second straight victory. Steve McNair was unproductive before leaving the game with a bruised sternum. Chad Johnson had a big game catching 149 yards worth of passes and scoring a touchdown. But the rally fell about 25 yards short.

Senator Kerry was critical of the coaching decisions made by Err McNair Coach Dan Len. "McNair only threw for two yards. That's six feet. 72 inches. Meanwhile, Joey Harrington threw for 230 yards and two touchdowns. He didn't play Jason Witten who would have provided the difference over Boo Williams. President Bush has been like Err McNair."

"I believe that Steve McNair stinks. But I am not about to impose my beliefs on the Shark Tank. If they want to play Steve McNair or Boo Williams, who am I to tell them what to do? I would never question a coach's right to choose even if that's not what I really believe. My faith guides me in everything I do. I mean, when it agrees with my party's line."

Tiki Torry Terrell 107.80 - Blue Power 73.13

Terrell Owens and Tiki Barber paced a balanced offense and compensated for a four-yard performance from Torry Holt as the T3 (5-2) maintained its second-place position in the Shark Tank with a strong performance over Blue Power (3-4).

Owens scored twice and had 109 yards receiving. Senator Kerry likes the cut of Owens' jib. "Terrell is a player that not only talks big but plays big. That's the type of leader this country needs. The President is an honorable man. But he talks big. I play big. And at the end of the day, that's what a nation needs. Talk is cheap. Results are better."

Barber had 172 combined yards and a touchdown. Randy McMichael and Rudi Johnson also scored. For Blue Power, it was Peyton Manning's 368 yards passing and three scoring tosses. Rookie Larry Fitzgerald and William Green also scored but the team did not get much from anybody else.

"That's not the type of performance one would want in battle," said Kerry. "Take it from a guy that won three purple hearts as a naval officer in Vietnam. I know what it takes to fight. And that's what Tiki Torry Terrell did. And in the same way I fought in Vietnam, I will fight for the rights of the American people and not for the special interest groups that have plagued Washington for the last four years. There will be no football team left behind under my administration."

Just Stew It 59.97 - unDaunted 54.70

Another week, another tough loss for unDaunted. Just Stew It (6-1) retained sole possession of first place by edging unDaunted (2-5). Despite having the fifth highest point total in the Shark Tank, unDaunted is one game out of a playoff spot if the season ended today.

Tom Brady threw for 230 yards and a score and Fred Taylor and Corey Dillon each surpassed the 100-yard mark in rushing. For unDaunted, Daunte Culpepper had a solid but unspectacular game by his standards and Jimmy Smith had 113 yards receiving and a touchdown but the absence of Randy Moss was devastating.

Senator Kerry had some encouraging words for Just Stew It. "His team has balance at each position. They have a strong leader with Tom Brady. They have good running backs, solid receivers and a sound defense. They would pass the Global Test. unDaunted is very top-heavy. They would not pass the Global Test. As good as Randy Culpepper and Daunte Moss are, they cannot carry the whole team. What they need is a strong coalition."

A Final Thought on the World Series

With the Red Sox leading the World Series 2-0 against the Cardinals, Kerry could not help but beam at his team's effort. "Manny Ortez has just been great. Matt Damon has been phenomenal and Burt Schilling has been inspirational. And just like I will take down Bush on Election Day, the Sox will take down the Cardinals in Busch Stadium. Count me as the most devoted Sox fan in all the world."

When asked about the players, Kerry asked his campaign advisor, "They beat the Yankees, right?" When the campaign advisor nodded, Kerry flashed his Botox-made smile and said, "They represent all that's good in America. They are the working-man's team. And next week, it will be a victory for Red Sox Nation and our Nation."

When asked what would happen if the Red Sox happened to lose, Kerry said, "Red Sox Nation will be able to cope with it. I've been a Red Sox fan since I was a young altar boy and I know that Paul Pierce and Tom Brady will guide the Sox to the title. "