Shark Tank Football - Week 8 - Sponsored by President-elect George W. Bush
The regular season is now more than halfway complete. When former St. Louis Cardinals pitcher Joaquin Andujar was asked to describe baseball, Andujar said, "One word: 'youneverknow.'"
Well, you never know in the Shark Tank. The top four teams squared off against one another and the end result is a three-way tie in the standings by record with Kal Sid's Tiki Torry Terrell in the number one position on total points scored. The standings after Week 8:
1 Tiki Torry Terrell 6-2 742.62
2 Just Stew It 6-2 705.71
3 ComeBackSoonJamal 6-2 704.68
4 Blue Power 4-4 662.67
5 THE JUNGERNAUT 4-4 609.41
6 Ophir Gophirs 4-4 536.58
7 Shazaam! 3-5 690.75
8 This Team Stinks 3-5 561.77
9 unDaunted 2-6 642.30
10 Err McNair 2-6 575.30
ComeBackSoonJamal 101.19 - Just Stew It 73.34
ComeBackSoonJamal successfully endured the two-week absence of Jamal Lewis as CBSJ (6-2) snapped Just Stew It's (6-2) four-game winning streak with a convincing win between the #1 and #3 teams in the Shark Tank.
Priest Holmes had 225 yards from scrimmage and added three more touchdowns giving him seven scores in the last two weeks. Antonio Gates was on the business end of two touchdown throws and CBSJ added a defensive touchdown.
Just Stew It received another solid performance from rookie quarterback Ben Roethlisberger who threw two touchdown passes and got strong efforts from Shaun Alexander (208 total yards, two touchdowns) and Keyshawn Johnson (80 yards, two touchdowns). Unfortunately, injuries kept Corey Dillon from starting and total ineffectiveness from Drew Bennett, Eric Johnson and Fred Taylor led to Just Stew It's second defeat.
President Bush was effusive in his praise for Holmes. "As you know, I'm a deeply religious man. And unlike my opponent, you know what I believe and you know what you're getting with me. And any religious man needs to have a priest at his side. Just like CBSJ, a priest will lead them."
Last week, Kerry commented on his feelings on where Holmes would be drafted. Bush reacted tersely. "Read my lips, we will not have an all-volunteer army. I have spoken to… what… I mean… we will NOT have a DRAFT. That's right. Draft. No draft. That's what I meant. I don't know where these rumors of drafts get started on the Internet."
Tiki Torry Terrell 112.70 - THE JUNGERNAUT 81.80
As quoted on Saturday's unrelated FBA draft, THE JUNGERNAUT (4-4) are now the JUNGER-NOT. This after their third straight loss, this time at the hands of Tiki Torry Terrell (6-2). TTT moved into a first-place tie and becomes the #1 seed on total points scored.
But it wasn't merely the efforts of MVP candidate Tiki Barber (111 total yards and two touchdowns) or Terrell Owens (101 yards and a score) but the surprising and much-maligned Drew Brees who fired five touchdown passes en route to a career game.
For THE JUNGERNAUT, Rod Smith had 214 yards and a touchdown but the ill-timed benching of Jake Plummer in favor of Donovan McNabb cost THE JUNGERNAUT a possible victory. While McNabb threw for 219 yards and a touchdown, Plummer set a franchise-record with 499 yards passing and four touchdowns against three interceptions.
President Bush commented on the McNabb/Plummer situation and highlighted how important it was to have the right man in the right position at the right time. "It's important to have a leader that understands the troops. My opponent is always criticizing the events in Iraq. Has he been out there? No. I've been out there. I understand the morale of the great men and women in uniform for us. We need a leader that will support them, not denigrate and criticize their contributions like my opponent… wait. What was my point again? Oh, right. Plummer would've been a better choice than McNabb. It's all about making the right choices."
Err McNair 87.76 - This Team Stinks 56.48
The Curse of the Bambino may have been reversed but a new curse abounds: The Curse of Rod Gardner. Gardner was unceremoniously dropped by This Team Stinks earlier in Week 8 and was scooped up by Err McNair. Gardner exacted his revenge on This Team Stinks (3-5) as he caught two touchdown passes in a resounding Err McNair (2-6) victory, snapping a five-game skid.
Coach Dan Len was quite happy with the acquisition of Gardner. Len said, "We just keep hearing negative things about the environment and clubhouse of This Team Stinks. When Rod came over, he was amazed how more cohesive and upbeat the locker room was despite our bad record. I'm proud of how this team rallied together to beat a horrible, I mean, well-respected team. Yeah, respected."
President Bush lauded Err McNair for their winning effort despite difficult circumstances. "These brave men and women on Err McNair illustrated the American ideal - the underdog winning. I want people to understand that America is the underdog in the war on terror. They have many more resources than we do. They can hide and evade our undermanned troops. Bin Laden is a tricky enemy. But the underdog will prevail." Bush was told that America was a superpower compared to the underhanded guerrilla-type tactics of Al Qaeda. "That's nonsense. If we were stronger, we'd be winning the war on terror. I mean, we are winning the war on terror. We got Saddam. We'll get Obama. I mean, Osama. Democrats, terrorists - same thing."
Ophir Gophirs 110.17 - unDaunted 57.13
The resurgent Gophirs evened their record at 4-4 with their third straight win, this time defeating the undermanned unDaunted (2-6) who dropped their second straight and sixth out of their last seven.
Trent Green threw for 389 yards and three touchdowns, Marvin Harrison had 119 yards receiving and two scores and Willis McGahee broke through in his first starting assignment with 111 combined yards and two touchdowns.
unDaunted coach Laurie Len found her team shorthanded with injuries to Randy Moss and Brian Westbrook. Unfortunately for Len, she had David Givens and Chad Pennington on her bench that combined for over 43 points. However, the Gophirs dominated where their insertions would not have made a difference.
President Bush wanted to wait until the completion of Monday's games to ensure that the Gophirs won before he made a comment praising the Gophirs. "I didn't want to get ahead of myself declaring Ophir's win," said the President-elect. When told that the Gophirs took a 50-point lead and had the game wrapped up early Sunday as it was mathematically impossible for unDaunted to prevail, Bush was incredulous. "I learned after 2000 that you can never take anything for granted. I waited for Laurie's concession before I praised Rob's team. You can never be too sure. But the Shark Tank has spoken and has given the Gophirs a mandate. He is the commissioner. I have to praise him. That's politics."
Blue Power 127.21 - Shazaam! 90.48
Peyton Manning fired five more touchdown passes along with 472 yards to lead Blue Power (4-4) to the .500 mark with a strong performance against the fading Shazaam! (3-5). Blue has won three straight while Shazaam! has lost three in a row.
Plaxico Burress and Tony Gonzalez each had two touchdown receptions but it was Manning who was the story as he now has 22 touchdown passes in seven games. "I just try to help my team win," said Manning. For Shazaam!, it was another solid performance that came up short. "Our defense is terrible," said Shazaam! coach Aaron Len. "We can't stop anybody."
President Bush equated Shazaam!'s defense to his opponent's leadership. "You just never know what you're going to get," said the President. "He voted for the war and now is against it. You may not like what I believe but you know what you're going to get. I have never wavered in my beliefs. And I can say with great conviction that Peyton Manning is a leader like me. He decisively deploys his receivers into the pattern and utilizes them to win the war on the gridiron. I have deployed troops into Iraq and we have overthrown the most tyrannical and evil leader on earth. And like Manning is the Shark Tank MVP, I thank the American people for electing me and making me their MVP. It was a historic victory."
And now, a final word from the President of the United States…
"You know, entities like Shark Tank are the models for successful growth. Despite five different battles every single week, every owner is united in their purpose of making the Shark Tank a better place. They have been able to set aside petty differences, or in the case of This Team Stinks' results, very large differences, to come together and unite under one singular purpose: to kick the tar out of each other. And the owners unanimously respect the league's mission.
"We have come out of a period where our nation has been bitterly divided. But I just spoke with my opponent and Senator Kerry was extremely gracious. We agreed that we need to unite this nation. This is nation divided on health care, on Iraq, on Social Security, on taxes and on social issues.
"And like many Americans, I am sick and tired of the split that has caused a rending of our great nation. So the time is over for division and the time has come for unity. To my supporters, I will do my best to continue to be the leader and moral compass you have come to expect of me.
"As for those that supported my opponent, I will convince you that he was wrong and I am right. Uniting is not about compromising or reaching common ground. It is convincing those that didn't agreen with me that my opponent was misguided and that I am right. After all, now that I've been reelected and don't have to worry about reelection again, I can do whatever I want.
"So to my supporters, I love you and I thank you for your support, sacrifice and money from the bottom of my heart. And for my opponents, I will suggest you watch Terrell Owens' dance from last Sunday when he mocked Ray Lewis and imitated his famous dance. After the game Owens said, "If you don't like what I do, stop me from getting into the endzone."
"So I will now dance like John Kerry. If you don't like my dance, stop me from getting into the White House. Thank you. And may God bless America."
Meanwhile, President Bush starts to dance to the hook of P.Diddy's remix of "Hail to the Chief" with Vice President Cheney acting as the beatbox and Jenna and Barbara sing the hook:
Hail to the chief we have chosen for our nation
Hail to the chief, we salute him once and all
Hail to the chief as we pledge cooperation
In proud fulfillment of a great noble call
Hail to the chief...
Hail to the chief...
Aw yeah, hail to the chief...
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