The Return of the Shark Tank ... err... Back of the Pack - Playoffs Week 1

Yes indeed, Christmas time is here again. And so the recaps make a triumphant return and your writer is in a salty mood after getting waxed in the first round. I thought the songs would be a good idea but they kinda suck but I don't feel like changing them. Oh well. Whatever. And I'll never actually be able to read this online because this country's cybernanny won't let me access the site. So there.

*****

All Aboard! 98.97, This Team Stinks 66.37

The bottom two from 2004 did battle and despite a heroic effort by Michael Vick on Monday night, All Aboard rolled over This Team Stinks to move into the semifinals. Despite a rare poor outing from LaDainian Tomlinson, Larry Johnson found the end zone three times while rookie sensation Carnell "Cadillac" Williams hit paydirt twice. Antonio Gates and Roy Williams added touchdown catches to make up from a lackluster performance from quarterback Brad Johnson. Wait, Brad Johnson is still in the league? He's with the Vikings and he's winning? What is this, 1995?

Vick rushed for two scores and threw for a third but This Team Stinks made some questionable roster decisions. Who knew that rookie kicker Mike Nugent would kick four field goals? Oh wait, that's right, they played the Raiders. Hey, how's that Randy Moss acquisition working out? Shawn Alexander now has 23 TD runs this year to be the top player in fantasy. Too bad Mike Martz got sick and Steven Jackson lost carries. At least he scored 30 for the Pacers the other night. Too bad that doesn't count in football. I still wouldn't have won.

TTS coach Elijah Liao gave an interview from China. "I think Governor Schwarzenegger should stay Tookie Williams' execution and execute everyone on my team except for Alexander and Vick. Well, you know, we're on the one step per year rebuilding plan. We didn't even get to the playoffs last year and this year we got to the first round. We're like the Clippers."

All Aboard coach Dan Len basked in his team's victory. "We had the best team all season and we are going to put those firehoses down those stupid Gophir holes. Just like we did on the playground when we were kids. We're gonna flush them out and drown 'em." They also sang this as a victory song:

(To the tune of "O Come All Ye Faithful")

O Come, All ye Aboard!
Victorious and triumphant
O come ye, o come ye to Round Two
All Aboard rolled 'em
And the people shouted:

O come and all aboard 'em
O come and all aboard 'em
O come and all aboard 'em
Iced Hines Ward!

Sing, choirs of Williams
Sing, choirs of Johnsons
O sing as Carnell and Roy and Larry scored six
Though LT was quiet
Stinks was pathetic

O come and all aboard 'em
O come and all aboard 'em
O come and all aboard 'em
Iced Hines Ward!

Yea, Ophir we meet thee in the semifinals
O Gophirs, to thee be all trash spoken
Watch out #1 seed as your doom is nearing

O come and all aboard 'em
O come and all aboard 'em
O come and all aboard 'em
Iced Hines Ward!

*****

Cambridge Gooners FC 85.04 - Brent's Team (P) 82.89

FC Cambridge put together a solid performance and withheld a fierce rally by Todd Peterson's leg to advance to the second round of the playoffs and snap Brent's Team's six-game winning streak. Jimmy Smith, Clinton Portis and Corey Dillon all scored to pace FC Cambridge. Brent's Team was done in by Willis McGahee's ineffectiveness after getting conked in the first quarter. Not that he's done a whole lot this year.

Cambridge manager Andy Jing was ebullient in victory. "This was a fantastic effort from our club. We've faced our share of adversity this year but I thought we played a complete 90 minutes and controlled possession. We won a lot of the 50-50 balls and our strikers were tremendous. But it was the midfielders in Dillon and Portis that controlled the tempo of the game. They showed beautiful touch as it was only a matter of time before they got their just reward. We almost surrendered the equalizer on Monday evening but when Brent's Team lost McGahee and played a man down, we knew we had to take care of business. What? This was American football? What the bloody... I must have come to the wrong pitch."

Brent's Team was by far the most active this season with 44 player transactions. When asked whether his day trading ways have come to an end, Brent Liu said, "No way! I'm just gonna keep picking up guys and dropping guys for the heck of it. Besides, there's still 5th place to be won! Besides, I have to add and drop Darrell Jackson about three more times just for fun."

While Liverpool FC has "You'll Never Walk Alone" as its club anthem, Gooners supporters could be seen downing Carlsbergs and Guinnesses and heard singing this little ditty outside the pubs in Cambridge:

(To the tune of "O Christmas Tree")

Cambridge FC, Cambridge FC
Thy victory is so glorious
Cambridge FC, Cambridge FC
Thy victory is so glorious
Not only wins early in the fall
But triumphs through the winter squall
Cambridge FC, Cambridge FC
Thy victory is so glorious

Cambridge FC, Cambridge FC
Much pleasure thou hast brought me
Cambridge FC, Cambridge FC
Much pleasure thou hast brought me
We knew that Joey Galloway
Would score so much for Tampa Bay
Cambridge FC, Cambridge FC
Much pleasure thou hast brought me

Cambridge FC, Cambridge FC
Thy future shines so brightly
Cambridge FC, Cambridge FC
Thy future shines so brightly
The Pigskins' future looks so bleak
As they will succumb to us next week
Cambridge FC, Cambridge FC
Thy future shines so brightly

*****

Flyin' Pigskins 62.70 - Ram Tuff 53.46

In a matchup of a couple of uninspiring playoff debuts, it was Ram Tuff that looked worse as they bow out of the playoffs at the hands of the Flyin' Pigskins. Coach Kalvin Sid advances to the semifinals to face Andy Jing's Cambridge Gooners FC.

Sid received 324 yards passing and two touchdowns from Peyton Manning and four field goals courtesy of Jay Feely while the defense put together another staunch effort. "Reverse psychology worked on my team this year. I keep telling them to win and they lose at the right time. That losing streak in the middle of the season was on purpose. Now we're focused and gunning for the title."

Aaron Len couldn't believe his squad's abysmal playoff performance. "Randy Moss was terrible. Even Jason Elam couldn't carry my team. Next year, we'll have to get Ashley Lelie and Timmy Chang to increase my chances of victory!"

The entire state of Hawaii has rallied behind Ram Tuff and has urged Schwarzenegger to stay their execution too. "Look at their team - Randy Moss has been a good boy this year. Jamal Lewis hasn't gone to jail either. The team deserves clemency, ya?" said legendary Hawaiian crooner Don Ho. "I know wherever he is, Bradda IZ Kamakawiwo'ole has thrown his ukelele in anger at what has happened. Come on, Arnold, bradda! It's just not fair, ya?"

Meanwhile, Pigskins fans have been waiting a long time for a championship. They are only two steps away. In 2004, it was the Boston Red Sox. In 2005, the Chicago White Sox. Could the Pigskins do the unthinkable?? Their fans are getting a bit arrogant. They penned this song in tribute to next week's opponent, the Cambridge Gooners FC:

(To the tune of "The Christmas Song")

Gooners roasting on an open fire
Santana catching touchdown throws
As Chad Johnson smiles and admires
Yet another celebratory pose

Everybody knows that Peyton and his golden arm
Makes the Pigskins' season bright
Cambridge FC should be alarmed
That the Pigskins will turn off their light

They know that Manning is on his way
To deliver lots of touchdowns every day
And every Gooners' child is going to cry
After the Pigskins hang them out to dry

And so I'm offering this simple phrase
To Gooners and all of their booze
Although it's been said, many times, many ways
You suck and you will lose

*****

Ophir Gophirs 82.99 - The Jungernaut 60.66

After years of playoff ineptitude by #1 seeds, the Gophirs soundly defeated the Jungernaut in their first round tilt. The Gophirs will square off against All Aboard! in the second round.

Chris Chambers is arguably the hottest receiver in the league as he hauled eight catches for 121 yards and two more touchdowns. Rudi Johnson took care of the ground assault as he ran for 169 yards and a score. Rookie Mark Clayton made his first career touchdown catch at a most opportune time for Ophir. They won despite a negative performance from quarterback Mark Brunell. "This team is built for the playoffs," Gophirs skipper Rob Chinn said after his team's victory. We may have sleepwalked through the regular season but now we're ready to show our supremacy. We're like the Lakers of the early part of the decade. We only care about the playoffs."

Jungernaut head coach Byron Jung was still in good spirits despite the loss. "Every year we have a competitive team that just gets unlucky in the playoffs. But hey, I'm busy. I'm gonna have a kid soon. I don't got no time for stinkin fantasy football." Tiki Barber put forth another good effort for the Jungernaut but they will face This Team Stinks in the consolation round. Who are we kidding? Who the heck cares about the consolation round? They should call it the LOSERS bracket.

So along the streets of Torrance, three children residing on Grant Avenue could be heard singing this song as they go off to sleep:

(To the tune of "Little Drummer Boy")

Hail the mighty Ophir
Pa rum pum pum pum
They will kick All Aboard's rear
Pa rum pum pum pum
Their finest games they'll play
Pa rum pum pum pum
We're going all the way
Pa rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum
Football champions
Pa rum pum pum pum
We'll become

We have no good QB
Pa rum pum pum pum
But we have Chris and Torry
Pa rum pum pum pum
We'll pass and kick and run
Pa rum pum pum pum
And give to Johnson
Pa rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum
Our defense will beat them
Pa rum pum pum pum
Like a drum

Tyus nodded
Pa rum pum pum pum
Dax and Scooter kept time
Pa rum pum pum pum
Rob made all the great picks
Pa rum pum pum pum
As their team goes for six
Pa rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum
Aboard will crater like crumbs
Pa rum pum pum pum
And succumb