Shark Tank Football - Week 13 - Sponsored by Limerick, Ireland

It appears that the eight playoff teams are set. Stewart's Just Stew It has all but clinched the #1 seed with a 103 point lead going into the last week of regular season play. Brent's HeHateShaq still has a chance to tie Stewart in the win-loss columns but is unlikely to overtake him on points.

Aaron's Shazaam! and Byron's THE JUNGERNAUT each clinched playoff spots with strong wins. Thanks to losses by Willie's Blue Power and Rob's Ophir Gophirs, the 4-7 seeds are all up for grabs. Meanwhile, Kal's Tiki Torry Terrell's third-place position can be seized by Willie if Kal loses to Rob and Willie outpoints Byron. Laurie's unDaunted has all but mathematically clinched a playoff spot and has a chance to move up if she beats Aaron and/or if Byron stumbles.

Elijah's This Team Stinks is one game behind Laurie but is not going to make up a nearly-200 point deficit. Dan's Err McNair will join Elijah as observers for the playoffs. The two will do battle for the #1 pick in next year's draft but with Dan squaring off against the high-flying Just Stew It, it will be a tall order to avoid getting the top pick.

I'm still upset by the BCS result so I will do what any manly man will do to take out his frustrations. Work out? Yeah, right. Get drunk? Nah, I'm too cheap to pay for even cheap beer or Two Buck Chuck. Scream? Too primal. Write poetry? Of course! And later tonight, I'm going to do some baking! Seriously...

The standings with one week remaining:

Rk  Team                W-L    Total    Back    Avg 

 1* Just Stew It       10-3   1238.88    --    95.30

 2* HeHateShaq          9-4   1135.60  103.28  87.35

 3* Tiki Torry Terrell  8-5   1153.18   85.70  88.71

 4* Blue Power          7-6   1166.77   72.11  89.75

 5* Ophir Gophirs       7-6   1045.49  193.39  80.42

 6* Shazaam!            6-7   1115.50  123.38  85.81

 7* THE JUNGERNAUT      6-7   1026.21  212.67  78.94

 8  unDaunted           5-8   1170.85   68.03  90.07

 9  This Team Stinks    4-9    976.07  262.81  75.08

10  Err McNair          3-10   936.92  301.96  72.07

(6-7) Shazaam! 121.30
(3-10) Err McNair 104.94

In the battle of the brothers Len
Dan could not avoid loss number ten.
One hundred he finally scored
But Err McNair was still floored
By Aaron's D and Steven Jackson.

Matt Hasselbeck came out throwing;
Shazaam! showed no signs of slowing.
The Edge ran and dashed,
McNair's hopes were smashed
Despite 122 yards from Nick Goings.

Portis finally played well but too late
As McNair's injury sealed Dan's fate
A lot of bad luck
Made a team suck
But next year, a Priest or Peyton awaits.

(6-7) THE JUNGERNAUT 114.06
(4-9) This Team Stinks 77.93

Donovan F. McNabb
Threw five touchdown grabs
In just the first half
So I could only laugh
As my team went into rehab.

But it wasn't just Byron's QB,
113 yards and two scores from LT,
One more from David Patten
And THE JUNGERNAUT did flatten
This Team Stinks into misery.

Touchdowns from Jerry and Darrell
But the rest of the team was sterile
So instead of the playoffs
Elijah will be away, off
To the street singing Christmas carols.

(10-3) Just Stew It 150.05
(7-6) Blue Power 88.87

Two scores from Shaun Alexander,
104 yards and two scores at first gander,
Key got a lucky call
When they threw him the damn ball;
150 points could not have been grander.

Peyton had only three when he threw it,
And everyone except Muhsin just blew it.
Carson Palmer was benched
So Blue Power was drenched
By the flood that is Just Stew It.

Dillon and Horn burned 'em,
As Stewart's defense returned 'em.
And ex-Bruin Drew Bennett
Played as if the Senate
Wanted three TDs to confirm him.

(9-4) HeHateShaq 94.08
(7-6) Ophir Gophirs 74.57

Favre's still Madden's MVP
Despite two more INTs.
But Kevin Jones ran wild
As HeHateShaq stockpiled
More running backs from KC.

139 yards and score from Chester
As Brent's team passed this week's tester
In the red was Deuce
And without help from Ike Bruce
Rob could not help but fester.

Brent needed this win badly
To hold his second place spot, gladly
Because next week me thinks
He'll lose to This Team Stinks;
Just joking - my team is playing sadly.

(5-8) unDaunted 135.04
(8-5) Tiki Torry Terrell 74.55

unDaunted is finally cruising
As they delivered another bruising
Westbrook scored thrice
And this poet's advice
Is that if you play her, you'll be losing.

Stokley's three TDs paved
The way and Julius was waived
By Brent for a cookie;
He's playing like no rookie
As Barber and TTT caved.

Good efforts by Terrell and Torry,
Negated by games that were gory.
The fundamental nitty-gritty
Is that picks that are of pity
Always work if your name is Laurie.

So the Shark Tank is ten friends
Kalvin, Stewart and Aaron,
Brent and Willie,
Dan and Laurie,
Elijah, Rob and Byron.

Fantasy football we play
Because we know no other way
So we made our great picks
And hope that we stick
It to each other every Sunday.

PLAYOFF SCENARIOS

• Stewart has pretty much clinched the #1 seed. The only way he loses it is if he loses to Dan AND Brent beats Elijah AND outscores Stewart by 103.29 points. Not gonna happen. Thus, the Stewart/Dan game is pretty irrelevant when it comes to the final playoff seedings.
• If Brent beats Elijah, he will finish #2 and will play whoever finishes #7. So all these scenarios assume a Brent LOSS whereby he'd finish 9-5 and the #2 seed will go to whoever has more points between Kal and Brent. Kal currently has a 17-point edge on Brent.
• The only other point differentials that are of consequence are the 13-point difference between Kal and Willie and the 20-point margin between Rob and Byron.
• If Aaron beats Laurie, Laurie will finish #8 but Aaron can finish #5 or #6 depending on other results.

AARON BEATS LAURIE:

SCENARIO #1:
Kalvin (9-5) def. Rob (7-7)
Willie (8-6) def. Byron (6-8)
Aaron (7-7) def. Laurie (5-9)

#1 Stewart vs. #8 Laurie (5-9)
#2 Kal or Brent (9-5) vs. #7 Byron (6-8)
#3 Brent or Kal (9-5) vs. #6 Rob (7-7)
#4 Willie (8-6) vs. #5 Aaron (7-7)

SCENARIO #2:
Kalvin (9-5) def. Rob (7-7)
Byron (7-7) def. Willie (7-7)
Aaron (7-7) def. Laurie (5-9)

#1 Stewart vs. #8 Laurie (5-9)
#2 Kal or Brent (9-5) vs. #7 Byron or Rob (7-7)
#3 Brent or Kal (9-5) vs. #6 Rob or Byron (7-7)
#4 Willie (7-7) vs. #5 Aaron (7-7)

SCENARIO #3:
Rob (8-6) def. Kalvin (8-6)
Willie (8-6) def. Byron (6-8)
Aaron (7-7) def. Laurie (5-9)

#1 Stewart vs. #8 Laurie (5-9)
#2 Brent (9-5) vs. #7 Byron (6-8)
#3 Willie or Kal (8-6) vs. #6 Aaron (7-7)
#4 Kal or Willie (8-6) vs. #5 Rob (8-6)

SCENARIO #4:
Rob (8-6) def. Kalvin (8-6)
Byron (7-7) def. Willie (7-7)
Aaron (7-7) def. Laurie (5-9)

#1 Stewart vs. #8 Laurie (5-9)
#2 Brent (9-5) vs. #7 Byron (7-7)
#3 Kal (8-6) vs. #6 Aaron (7-7)
#4 Rob (8-6) vs. #5 Willie (7-7)

LAURIE BEATS AARON:

SCENARIO #5:
Kalvin (9-5) def. Rob (7-7)
Willie (8-6) def. Byron (6-8)
Laurie (6-8) def. Aaron (6-8)

#1 Stewart vs. #8 Byron (6-8)
#2 Kal or Brent (9-5) vs. #7 Aaron (6-8)
#3 Brent or Kal (9-5) vs. #6 Laurie (6-8)
#4 Willie (8-6) vs. #5 Rob (7-7)

SCENARIO #6:
Kalvin (9-5) def. Rob (7-7)
Byron (7-7) def. Willie (7-7)
Laurie (6-8) def. Aaron (6-8)

#1 Stewart vs. #8 Aaron (6-8)
#2 Kal or Brent (9-5) vs. #7 Laurie (6-8)
#3 Brent or Kal (9-5) vs. #6 Byron or Rob (7-7)
#4 Willie (7-7) vs. #5 Rob or Byron (7-7)

SCENARIO #7:
Rob (8-6) def. Kalvin (8-6)
Willie (8-6) def. Byron (6-8)
Laurie (6-8) def. Aaron (6-8)

#1 Stewart vs. #8 Byron (6-8)
#2 Brent (9-5) vs. #7 Aaron (6-8)
#3 Willie or Kal (8-6) vs. #6 Laurie (6-8)
#4 Kal or Willie (8-6) vs. #5 Rob (8-6)

SCENARIO #8:
Rob (8-6) def. Kalvin (8-6)
Byron (7-7) def. Willie (7-7)
Laurie (6-8) def. Aaron (6-8)

#1 Stewart vs. #8 Aaron (6-8)
#2 Brent (9-5) vs. #7 Laurie (6-8)
#3 Kal (8-6) vs. #6 Byron (7-7)
#4 Rob (8-6) vs. #5 Willie (7-7)