Shark Tank Bowl III

The 2005 Shark Tank Season (I refuse to call it "Back of the Pack" - I move to reinstate the old name for 2006) has come to an end and there's is a new champion. Congratulations to Andy Cheng... err... Jing for his unlikely victory. Despite being the 7th seed, he has shown that, indeed, skill may be how teams qualify for the playoffs but luck and good fortune win it. That being said, a toast to Andy for securing the final pick next year's draft - the formula that helped him to victory this season.

Here are the final recaps with final assessments from the coaches.

7th Place Game (aka a team trying to avoid losing three in a row):
This Team Stinks 88.70 - Brent's Team (NA) 70.97

After Brent's bellyaching at the beginning of the year about how his team was the stinkiest team in the league... well, I guess he was right... at least in terms of the eight postseason participants. But give Brent credit for being active and opportunistic in guiding his team to six straight wins and a second place regular season finish. Eh... but take that credit away for three consecutive playoff defeats, hehe. I mean, it's the playoffs that count, right?

This Team Stinks got another record-setting performance from Shaun Alexander who scored three times to tie an NFL record with 27 touchdowns on the season. Steven Jackson found the endzone for the first time in several weeks and Todd Heap caught his career-high seventh touchdown pass. Meanwhile for Brent's Team, former Cal great Kyle Boller had his second consecutive three-touchdown pass game and Ricky Williams had his best day since his return. Brent's Team wideout and This Team Stinks turncoat Lee Evans had 107 yards and a score but his former team still prevailed.

Liu, as always, was gracious in defeat. "It was an honor for me to palm the name of 'This Team Stinks' even for a week or two. But it was clear that the moniker should only be reserved for the truly stinkiest team. And while my team may have stunk more this week, three bad weeks does not a bad team make. It's a name based on consistency and Elijah's team has earned the right to use that name in perpetuity. It's like a lifetime achievement award."

Liao was asked about a future ESPY-type award for consistency in futility. "From my baseball team's choke to a consistent middle to lower tier finish in football to my abrupt retirement from basketball, I think that I have earned the right to keep my team name. While fans of the Clippers, Arizona Cardinals and UCLA football have petitioned for the right to that title, I feel that it's an honor I have earned and have deserved for a long time. In fact, I got a call from the President today and certainly, he knows what I'm going through. He told me, 'E, you're doing a heck of a job.' That has to be a good sign. Today's victory doesn't cast a shadow over my lifetime achievements in fantasy sports."

5th Place Game (aka the game that means less than nothing):
The Jungernaut 69.38 - Ram Tuff 42.87

Despite a middling point total, the Jungernaut got big games from Thomas Jones and the Pittsbugh defense to annihilate Ram Tuff to secure 5th place. Ram Tuff received solid performances from quarterback Matt Hasselbeck and kicker and 'Bow alum Jason Elam, but could not overcome Ronnie Brown's injury, Steve Smith's ejection and everyone else's general suckitude.

"Woohoo! Fifth place! It was destiny," said Jungernaut head coach Byron Jung. "My first child is due on May 1st. So it's appropriate that I finish fifth. Get it? May? Fifth place? HAHAHA!"

Ram Tuff coach Aaron Len lamented his team's end-of-season struggles but as always, remained optimistic. "Doesn't matter, my focus has long turned to fantasy basketball. (Ed. note - I'd update the BB standings but since I'm not in the league, I have no idea where everyone stands. I just wish I drafted Chris Bosh this year.) Doesn't matter! In 2006, I will renew my quest to achieve my goal in fantasy football!" When pressed on how he plans to win next year, Len said, "Win??? Nah, that's my secondary goal! Winning doesn't matter unless I have a Hawaii alum on my team! Otherwise, it's like winning with mercenaries. Stinkin' mercenaries."

Bronze Medal Game (aka the game for those that came oh so close):
All Aboard! 106.97 - Flyin' Pigskins 82.30

All Aboard! rebounded from a disappointing semifinal defeat to his archnemesis in Diablo and fantasy football to secure third place with a convincing victory over the gassed Pigskins.

LaDainian Tomlinson faded down the stretch which cost his team last week but Larry Johnson, Carnell "Cadillac" Williams and his defense picked up the slack. "I'm still disappointed," said All Aboard! skipper Dan Len. "If I had only chosen Shaun Alexander, it would be me sipping champagne. And what's my reward for next year? A first-round pick who's an elite player and will probably play on a winning team that clinches a playoff spot and rests during my playoff run. Next year, Laurie is going to draft my team and I'm going to stay home and babysit."

The Pigskins got a monster effort from Santana Moss and a bag of goodies from Santa Claus-wannabe Chad Johnson. But unfortunately, neither the rest of the team nor the team's reindeer didn't show up. "Well, Chad assured me that we were going to have a reindeer this weekend," said coach Kalvin Sid. "But all they got me was reindeer jerky! I mean, that stuff tastes okay - a little gamey - but I was expecting some gazelle for a third wide receiver and all I got was some Oberto ripoff jerky. Hmmm... actually, I guess it's an acquired taste. It's not bad! Hey - I've finished off Blitzen - can you pass me the package labeled 'Red-hot red-nosed Rudolph flavor?'"

Shark Tank Bowl III:
Cambridge Gooners FC 106.97 - Ophir Gophirs 82.30

Despite not being at the draft and using the dreaded "list," FC Cambridge turned an improbable seventh place finish into his first Shark Tank Football title. Behind the arm of Josh McCown, the leg of Neil Rackers and the decisive touchdown runs of Corey Dillon on Monday night, Gooners convincingly knocked off top-seeded Ophir to take the coveted title.

Coach Jing was asked to compare the Red Sox 2004 championship with this title here. "It's no comparison, really," he said. "I mean, this is my first year in this league but I waited a whole 86 years for the Red Sox to win so that was much sweeter. This is a toast to the greatest Gooners FC team EVER!" When reminded that he wasn't close to 86 years old, Jing responded, "Hey, those nine or ten years I've been a Sox fan felt like 86." (Ed. note - wait until next baseball season, hehe.)

Ophir Coach Robert Chinn was diplomatic in defeat. Well, sort of. "The better team won the title. I mean, they really played well and we were outplayed and... oh, who the heck are we kidding. The better team LOST. They are so NOT the better team. But that's okay, there's still Week 17. We'll do better next week. What? The season's over?? But there's still one more week of football! I can still win! I want the season reopened right now! Get those players back in here! Turn those machines back on! Turn those machines back oooooooooonnnnnnnnn!"

Here are the list of Shark Tank Bowl champions since we went to a head-to-head format for the 2003 season:

2005 Andy
2004 Brent
2003 Willie

As for 1999-2002, I don't remember. I know I won one year and Laurie won in another. And I think Aaron won in '99. Whatever, you guys can e-mail me and I'll be sure to engrave all of the past champions on the official Shark Tank Cup which will reside at Windemere for 2006. Unfortunately, since Brent took the trophy to every pickup basketball game he played in in 2005 and also because Deric accidentally thought it was a giant dustbin, the Cup is being reconditioned. Since everything is cheaper here in China, I asked a shop down the street to do the work but as things tend to be here, it's been awhile and I don't know when I'll get it back. I'm sorry Andy - I promise I'll work on it.

So pending any defections (i.e., new dads overwhelmed by paternal responsibility) or additions, here's the draft order for 2006. Matt Lee: you are now on the clock.

1. Matt
2. Stewart
3. Laurie
4. Willie
5. Brent
6. Elijah
7. Aaron
8. Byron
9. Kal
10. Dan
11. Rob
12. Andy

That concludes the 2005 fantasy football season. Please pick up your commemorative Cambridge Gooners FC championship T-shirts at the door as you exit the stadium. Thank you for attending and please drive home safely.