Shark Tank Football - Week 2 - The Return of the Recaps featuring Popeye
I feel like I need to explain myself. I decided not to do fantasy football this year because my heart wasn't in it. Rumor even has it that I won't do fantasy baseball anymore (there may be a hint of truth to that). And if you ask me honestly, I don't miss it. I totally forgot the NFL was on while I was watching the Padres/Dodgers game Sunday afternoon. "Oh right! There's football on Sundays now - it's fall."
But like all washed-up athletes, they have dreams of coaching or broadcasting or somehow, staying involved in the game that brought them so much. Well, fantasy football has enough blowhards on FSN, ESPN and other sports networks telling you stuff that you already know. Most of them aren't really experts - they just got lucky. Well, I didn't want to stoop to that. So I decided to turn in my fantasy football manager keys for a hand at hard-core journalism. Yes, I am now an objective observer in the Stinkier League (a.k.a. The Shark Tank).
And now there's clamoring at least for me to do these weekly recaps. "Hogwash," I said. My excuse? I can't view the league info anymore to gather information for 2,000 word drivel like this. Well, thanks to generosity (or the punishment) of Matt L, I now have the keys and can now view the league data.
So between flipping between ESPN SportsCenter to watch Chris Berman stumble and bumble over more highlights and Stuart Scott doing some melodramatic interview with some guy in the Monday Night Game that had a troubled past and is recovering from something - injury or personal, I can gather enough data to do these write-ups. I don't promise one every week.
But I can't do this alone. That's right, I need a foil. I'm not a funny guy by myself. Like Michael Chang and Rafael Nadal, I'm a counterpuncher - I rely on the mistakes of others. Fortunately, you guys have made plenty. I know I was my own best foil last year. So along with the 12 of you, I'll have to create another one. And this week, who better to call upon than Popeye!
No, not that Popeye - though I'm sure he'd have plenty to say too. But the original Popeye, the Sailor Man!
And he's in a foul mood. After all, ever since immigrating to
Well, Popeye is fighting back and hopes to see a canned spinach revival and is doing his part on promoting Popeye Spinach as a healthy and sensible alternative to ... well, E. coli-laden fresh spinach.. In between appearances on Leno, Oprah, The View, Live with Regis and Kelly and The Daily Show where Jon Stewart has criticized Bush's policy on fresh and bagged spinach, I caught up with our favorite pipe whistler to get his take on this two-bit football league. It's not as satisfying as punching Bluto or any offensive lineman across the football field but it's pretty darn close!
First, the standings after Week 2:
Rk Team W-L Total Avg Strk
1 I Pick Donte' Again 2-0 176.54 88.27 W2
2 Cambridge Gooners FC 2-0 148.02 74.01 W2
3 www.HughHewitt.com 2-0 115.06 57.53 W2
4 SBXL Champs 1-1 177.44 88.72 W1
5 Ram Tuff part 2 1-1 168.41 84.21 L1
6 Dan 1-1 158.49 79.25 L1
7 Woodchucks 1-1 133.51 66.76 W1
8 Ophir Gophirs 1-1 131.98 67.99 W1
9 Blue 1-1 127.25 63.63 L1
10 Brown Town Blues 0-2 123.65 61.83 L2
11 Flying pigskins 0-2 121.43 60.72 L2
12 the Jungernaut 0-2 87.59 43.80 L2
Woodchucks (1-1) 77.60 - The Jungernaut (0-2) 43.85
The thing with Yahoo's projections is that sometimes they're close but most of the time, they ain't. Fortunately for Woodchucks, their point total was almost right on Yahoo's 78.71 point projection. Unfortunately for The Jungernaut, Yahoo was a wee bit off their 64.32 estimate.
Woodchucks' Shaun Alexander is now only 26 touchdowns behind his single season record and Deuce McAllister scored twice to more than makeup for the poor game by Jake Delhomme and the injury to Terrell Owens. Lee was a little disappointed in Owens' injury but happy to gain some certainty in dealing with his mercurial superstar. "At least I know he's out for awhile," Lee said after the game. "We've got the straitjacket and the duct tape ready so that he'll be under surveillance the whole time and so he won't say anything stupid. We'll be in good shape." Indeed, Woodchucks is rather stacked at receiver with Owens, Anquan Boldin, Terry Glenn and Laveranues Coles.
Meanwhile, the Jungernaut felt the wrath of the fantasy football gods by publicly calling out the Yahoo Projection system. Only Torry Holt contributed a touchdown and the
Popeye was comparing Byron's plight of being separated from starting quarterback Trent Green with being separated from spinach during dire occasions. "Green is the colors of spinach," Popeye laughed with his signature "a-ga-ga-ga-ga" laugh. Reminds mes of the times when I was climbins the
SBXL Champs (1-1) 89.33 -
Despite a marked improvement over last week's form, Brown Town Blues, remained winless as SBXL Champs manage to better their impressive but insufficient point total from Week 1 in a battle of Shark Tank newcomers.
After all the bellyaching about his running backs and rookies and passing touchdowns being only worth three points and injured wideouts (am I missing anything?), Coach David L is savoring his first ever win. Peyton Manning threw for 400 yards and three touchdowns, and Antonio Bryant and Frank Gore, the best 49ers WR/RB combo since Jerry Rice and Roger Craig (or maybe Brandon Lloyd and Kevan Barlow), each scored and surpassed 100 yards. Rookie receiver Marcus Colston and former UCLA star Drew Bennett made it three touchdowns from wide receivers without the likes of injured Steve Smith and T.J. Houshmandzadeh.
But does the bellyaching stop…. oooohhhh no. "My receivers are terrible," said David. "I can't believe Smith and Housh… Housh… how do you pronounce his name? Whatever. They're terrible. At least say you're out before it become a game-time decision. It's not like I can get out of service to make changes. Three touchdowns and three 100-yard games in two weeks don't mean they're good. And Manning is going to need to throw 50 touchdowns to make my first round pick worth it."
For BTB, good performances by Donald Driver and Darrell Jackson and a solid overall effort went for naught. Rookie Coach Bing Y was diplomatic and hopeful in defeat. "We scored 77 points this week after only 44 last week," said Bing. "If we improve by 75% each week, we'll score 135 points next week and by Week 16, we'll score 195,000 points! So there's definitely room for improvement."
Popeye said new coaches shouldn't be overly critical of their expansion teams. "Look, I was always confidents in meself," Popeye said. "I know it's intimidating fightins the big boyses. But all of you saw how I did! When I was againsts the big guys likes Bluto, Tarzan, Hercules, tribesmens and aliens, I had mes spinach and I won! But I had lots of troubles with Swee'pea and mouses and little animalses because me spinach didn't helps me. Hey! It's almost like God is our spinach! Why didn't I eat me spinach earlier?"
I Pick Donte' Again (2-0) 95.72 - Dan (1-1) 83.67
Michael Vick ran for 127 yards, scored running and threw a touchdown pass and the
IPDA Coach Brent L was keen to reverse the problems he had at the start of 2005. "My team stunk so bad at the beginning that we had to work so hard to catch up," Brent said. "This year, I'm a better (i.e. more efficient) father so I'm better prepared. keep fantasy football a priority while keeping one eye on the family. I'm in a good place right now."
Team Dan got large efforts from Rudi Johnson (148 total yards, two touchdowns), Plaxico Burress (114 yards and a score) and rookie Joseph Addai (82 yards and a score) but also received uneven performances from others.
But Dan wasn't really into talking about the game. After watching HughHewitt.com make 22 transactions in two weeks, he was longing for days gone by. "I remember back in the day when we had only eight transactions the whole year," said Dan. "And you could only replace a guy when he went on IR. Remember those days when we'd have more red letters [IR, O, Q, D] next to our players' names than red-letter days on a calendar of Sundays? That's what football is supposed to be about. I got better things to do than sit in front of my computer all week. I mean, when I'm not working. Or maybe even when I am."
Popeye empathized with Len's thoughts on days gone by. "I remembers when it was just me, Looney Toons, Tom and Jerry and Woody Woodpecker cartoons. Now all these cartoonses are from
Ophir Gophirs (1-1) 78.36 - Flying Pigskins (0-2) 69.12
Unfortunately, I missed the draft and our annual, juvenile but still funny, Amani "IT'S NOT A" Toomer joke. Maybe next year. But Toomer's performance in Week 2 was no laughing matter to the Flying Pigskins as he had 137 yards receiving and two touchdowns to pace the Gophirs to their first win of the season. Pigskins narrowed a 30-point deficit after Sunday's action but despite a shutout by the
Like FC Barcelona and Olympiakos in
Guest commentator, a hungry J. Wellington Wimpy happened by agreeing with Rob's philosophy. "Why worry about tomorrow when you can get what you want today? By the way, I'll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today." Rob gave Wimpy some Y-Not gift certificates that he received as part of a Gophirs sponsorship deal to go away.
Unlike most fantasy owners who are ornery and grumpy (okay, just yours truly), Pigskins Coach Kalvin S is a refreshing combination of professionalism and optimism. And despite being 0-2, Kal still expects great things from the Pigskins. "We've got a good team. Don't worry - I'll be around to annoy you all in the playoffs."
Popeye has faced plenty of annoyances in his career. "Well, blow me down! I remembers when I was wrapped up like a mummy and shot me with a cannon into the Sphinx after Bluto pretended he was a sheik and tried to kiss my Olive Oyl. But those Egyptianses think of everything! There was a can of spinach buried there! And so even when things are down, there's always hope! I'll take you alls on one at a time!!!"
www.HughHewitt.com 67.81 (2-0) - Blue (1-1) 64.68
Has anyone else wondered what exactly is at www.HughHewitt.com? I haven't. Anyway, controversy reigned supreme and continues to shadow HH.com. Beyond the growing waiver wire scandal that threatens to tear apart the league, now comes word that HH.com failed insert a rookie in a timely fashion into his Week 2 lineup throwing the score into complete disarray. Well, at least I'm not the Commish and have to clean it up. It's good to be retired!
Turns out that a retroactive move was made to insert rookie LenDale White into the lineup at the expense of Jamal Lewis. Barring further appeal, that was still enough to give HH.com a narrow victory over Blue.
Jerricho Cotchery had 121 yards receiving and a touchdown while Brian Westbrook netted 124 combined yards from scrimmage and a score. Carson Palmer had another double digit performance even though his backup, the emerging Rex Grossman, nearly doubled his point total.
Speaking of emerging, Eli Manning threw for 371 yards and three touchdowns and LaDainian Tomlinson scored twice and had 122 yards. But Blue got little help from elsewhere to drop their first game of 2006.
HH.com Coach Warren C was contrite afterwards. "My bad," was all Warren had to say. "But check out these teeth! Thanks for the referrals! I kept going into different dentist offices in this medical plaza and I must have filled in ten new patient forms. But each time, I just ended up leaving because I asked how many cleanings and fillings they've done in the last year and most dentists I saw were struggling, especially recently. Finally, I found one that did eight fillings on one patient in one day. Throw in an endodontist that did a couple root canals and I was sold! That's the one I wanted to go to. Unfortunately, I got there too late and now I have to wait until next week to get that root canal because they had already started and couldn't squeeze me in."
However, on the other side, Blue Skipper Willie W was threatening legal action but then decided against it. "This is a fantasy football league. It's supposed to be fun. I don't need to think about work when I'm talking about football. My budget for participating in this league was zero. I can't even afford to retain myself."
Popeye applauded Warren's conciliatory tone in acknowledging his non-malicious error. "Sometimes, things don't works out. But there's always a can of spinach availables if ya needs it. And besides, why buy fresh spinach? You haves to washs it 10 times before alls the dirts comes off. And you should washs the baggeds spinach too! And have you ever trieds the frozens spinach? With the canned spinach, it's like Cheez Whiz: squeeze and eat like I do!
"And remember we all makes mistakes! 'I yam what I yam and it's all that I yam!' But buy spinach, not yams."
The defending Shark Tank Bowl champs, Cambridge Gooners FC, continued their win streak to six over two seasons as they edged Ram Tuff part deux behind a well-balanced attack. Corey Dillon and Andre Johnson each found the end zone on offense while Gooners received solid efforts from their defense and kicker Shayne Graham.
On an editorial note, typing in "Cambridge Gooners FC" is too wordy each time. Like any football team, they need a nickname. So think of any suggestions because I don't want to type it in each time. Plus, it sounds cooler in write-ups. Otherwise, I'm just going to use "Gooners" but then that sounds like Gunners. And I know you're not an Arsenal fan. At least you weren't before. When will Leeds United make it back to the top flight, Andy? Oh so close last year!
When asked about this, Coach Andy J said, "We'll talk to our supporters this week and try to come up with something. It's important that we find a nickname and song that truly represents the heritage and history of excellence that is Cambridge Gooners FC. Now that our new stadium is an all-seater, our supporters won't be crushing each other like in the old days. Maybe we'll just sing 'God Save the Queen' before every home game. Or sing some song about how someone on our opponent is fat and round. But looking at David's team next week, they all look pretty fit."
Ram Tuff continue to benefit from the revitalized, reenergized and resoupified Donovan McNabb who threw for 350 yards and two touchdowns. And while the duo of Marvin Harrison and Reggie Wayne combined for 262 receiving yards, neither scored which proved to be the difference. And why am I not surprised that Coach Aaron L has either Jason Elam or Jeff Wilkins as his kicker for the gazillionth year in a row?
Len was too preoccupied with the HH.com rookie scandal. "All I got when I went to work on Sunday morning at 11:00 a.m. was everyone running looking for me saying that
But the buzz around the Shark Tank water cooler was one of the most amazing finishes to a baseball game that has ever been witnessed. Aaron added, "I was also revved up from that Dodger game. Who cares about football? Hey Alex [Y] - how 'bout them Padres?"
Popeye lauded the continued excellence of the defending champion Gooners as they look great after two weeks. He also praised the comeback of those gritty Dodgers. They must have eaten their spinach just befores the bottoms of the ninth. Remember, 'I'm strong to the finich 'cuz I eat me spinach, I'm Popeye the Sailor Man!" (toot toot!)
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