Shark Tank Football Week 4 - Presented by William "Bill" Shakespeare Simmons

First off, a hearty Shark Tank Football Blog congratulations to Aaron and Tiffany for the birth of their daughter Allison early Monday morning. Man, just missed Tiff and Tanya's birthday by a day. That would've been an interesting day every year. But now, we have an extra person that could play in fantasy leagues in case we have an odd number. She'd probably give each of you guys a beatdown right now.

But on to the matter at hand. Many of you are readers of Bill Simmons' work on ESPN.com Page 2. The Shark Tank Blog is nowhere near Simmons on the pop culture meter. I don't know any pop culture. I mean, the last movie I saw in a theatre was "Passion of the Christ." And I don't watch much TV. And most of you guys wouldn't get any Gilmore Girls jokes I'd do.

So I decided, what from pop culture is time-tested? And of course, we came up with Willie Shakespeare! And Simmons, when not talking about the Ewing Theory or ripping Alex Rodriguez or overly obsessing over anything Bostonian, surprisingly is down with Willie the Bard! So we asked him to drop by and treat us with his unique brand of wit… or witlessness.

As usual, we first present the standings. Here they are after Week 4's action:

Rk  Team                   W-L  Total    Avg  Strk
 1  I Pick Donte'.. Again  4-0  351.46  87.87   W4
 2  SBXL Chumps            3-1  332.15  83.04   W3
 3  Cambridge Gooners FC   3-1  291.32  72.83   W1
 4  Dan                    3-1  268.58  67.15   W2
 5  www.hughhewitt.com     3-1  237.07  59.27   L1
 6  Ophir Gophirs          2-2  322.22  80.56   W1
 7  Ram Tuff part 2        1-3  306.01  76.50   L3
 8  Brown Town Blues       1-3  291.76  72.94   L1
 9  Woodchucks             1-3  259.27  64.82   L2
10  Flying pigskins        1-3  244.00  61.00   L1
11  Blue                   1-3  223.57  55.90   L3
12  the Jungernaut         1-3  194.26  48.57   W1

I Pick Donte' .. Again (4-0) 97.83 - Ram Tuff part 2 (1-3) 75.39

IPDA showed no mercy to the new daddy as Larry Johnson ran for 101 yards and two touchdowns and Kevin Jones added two more as IPDA ran roughshod over Ram Tuff to remain undefeated. Michael Vick added his third 100-yard rushing game of the season to offset a subpar passing performance.

For Ram Tuff, on Sunday Julius Jones scored twice and on Monday night, Donovan McNabb led a furious rally by throwing for two touchdowns and running for two more. But it wasn't enough to prevent Ram Tuff from dropping their third straight after an opening week victory.

Simmons was asked to compare and contrast the dual feelings that Aaron L must be feeling this week. "He's obviously very happy but probably sad that his team lost. It's like when I was with my dad and I were watching the Celtics in the Eastern Conference Finals in 2002. We liked our team but we knew we weren't that good. You were just hoping that the team wouldn't do something stupid.

"You want to like Antoine Walker and Paul Pierce because they were like Mark Antony and Octavius in Julius Caesar. Guys that could come up big and rally the troops. Unfortunately, they had their own Cassius and Brutus in Kenny Anderson and Walter McCarty that did their best to kill our team leaders. That and Joe Johnson was our soothsayer, 'Beware of the Ides of March. And trading me to the Suns.'

"We also had Joe Forte who was more like Cleopatra. Did I mention that we could've drafted Tony Parker or Gilbert Arenas? And we traded JJ for Rodney Rogers and Tony Delk after half a season? At least he was traded before March 15 so his prediction didn't come true. Not good times. Kill me now. But yes, congratulations to Aaron and Tiff. Hopefully your Lakers will suck this year."

SBXL Chumps (3-1) 77.29 - Flying pigskins (1-3) 52.04

Our Yahoo shout-out to the goes to the prediction for the Chumps as Yahoo came within an eyelash from correctly predicting their total. Yahoo could not have predicted Peyton Manning's second rushing touchdown in as many weeks as he scored on a quarterback sneak and rookie Marques Colston's fourth big game in a row. Damian Rhodes and Steve Smith both scored to pace the Chumps to the easy victory over the Pigskins.

Flying pigskins were led by surprise starter Mike Furrey who had 82 yards and two touchdowns. Unfortunately, Matt Hasselbeck got the starting nod instead of Mark Brunell and that cost the Pigskins about 13 points which proved too much to overcome.

Chumps Coach David L has a love-hate relationship with his players and has become a believer in the Ewing Theory. "Look, we dropped our Super Bowl winning quarterback in Ben Roethlisberger and ever since, we can't be stopped! And we have Colston making "The Leap." We won't be stopped even though my players still drive me crazy."

Simmons noted the similarity between previous Ewing Theory success stories and the Chumps but noted one difference. "The Chumps have Peyton Manning, the biggest big-game choke loser quarterback since Jim Kelly. He'll never win the big game. Compare him to Tom Brady. Brady owns Manning like Iago owned Othello."

Speaking of Othello, Simmons was asked to draw further comparisons between the evil cunning of Iago and fantasy football. "You have to be devious to win. You need to look for every edge you can get. If I were in a draft with my buddy Biff, I'd still tell him, 'Hey, Yao Ming got arrested in Shanghai for making too much money and he can't get out of the country' or 'Grant Hill broke his leg after slipping on an errant Netflix envelope' or 'Zach Randolph was busted for DUI… okay, that last one may be true.' But you need an edge.

"Sometimes we're like Othello - paranoid of our fantasy players running off for another team even though they're still faithful. Sometimes we're like Desdemona - blindly devoted to our star players even though something's wrong with them. Sometimes we're like Cassio - we're in love with a player we know we'll never have and will never have traded to us. And sometimes we're like Emilia - being used by other owners in their devious schemes. Being Iago is real life is bad like trying to overthrow three people at once but in fantasy football, it's okay because no one gets hurt. Good times!"

Ophir Gophirs (2-2) 123.03 - Woodchucks (1-3) 79.23

The Gophirs had no one left on their bench and Coach Rob C just played whomever he had available. It turned out to result in the highest scoring week so far in the Shark Tank. Santana Moss caught four passes for 138 yards and three touchdowns as the Gophirs routed the Woodchucks.

Rookie Laurence Maroney ran for 125 yards and two touchdowns, Kevan Barlow also scored twice and Doug Gabriel and Stephen Jackson chipped in with one touchdown apiece. That and the stout Chicago defense contributed to the nearly 50-point victory.

Rob said the team never lost its focus. "Even though we were starting ten guys a day in our fantasy baseball league, the team on the football field was never distracted. So they get all the credit. My pitchers though? They stink," as the Gophirs fell just short of their second baseball title in three years.

Woodchucks got two touchdown catches from Terry Glenn and a nice effort from DeShaun Foster but they could not keep up with the high-flying Gophirs.

Coach Matt L wondered aloud why his team doesn't get any respect? Simmons wasn't afraid to answer. "Because your team sucks worse than the Celtics did under Rick Pitino. Can you believe that guy was a good coach? He was like Macbeth. Or Lady Macbeth. All he did was screw things up and couldn't keep his hands clean. And the guilt kept getting to them and they went insane. At least she killed herself first. I wish Pitino fired himself. Women are smarter than men. Just don't tell the Sports Gal that.

"But I remember my buddy Hench and I were plotting to kill him like Macduff tried to kill Macbeth. But we couldn't find any Birnam Wood trees around to sneak up behind Pitino when he left the Fleet Center. Finally, he went insane and basically killed himself. Hey! The original Celtics are from Scotland just like King Duncan was. Did I mention that we could've had Duncan in the NBA lottery in 1998? Gregg Popovich must have put in the frozen envelope like they did with the Knicks in '85. The NBA hates the Celtics. That was worse than when Len Bias died. It's like those three witches were out there to torture us.

"Finally they fired Pitino but as Lady Macbeth said, "If it were done when 'tis done, then 'twere well it were done quickly.' Not quickly enough. It seems like Woodchucks are going for the top draft pick two years in a row. Not even Pitino did that."

The Jungernaut (1-3) 53.34 - Blue (1-3) 40.90

The Jungernaut decided that he didn't need a stinkin' quarterback… or running back… a defense or a tight end. Coach Byron J got 102 yards and a touchdown from Torry Holt and two touchdowns from Thomas Jones as the Jungernaut win their first game over a depleted Blue squad. Based on Blue's lineup this week, with 1/3 of his team affected by byes, Coach Willie W tried to field a makeshift lineup. Blue hot 100 yards and a score from Isaac Bruce but little else.

Byron said playing shorthanded was a strategic move from the outset. "We decided to make some drastic changes this week," he said. "Our guys weren't playing well so we decided, 'what the heck,' let's make everything really confusing. And practice this week was confusing with less than 11 guys on the field. But apparently, Blue was confused anymore. They didn't know how to play 11 on 7. And that worked to our advantage."

After watching this game, Simmons lamented on the apparent nihilistic tendencies of the Jungernaut's roster management for Week 4. "He didn't know what the heck he was doing. He was indecisive. It was like watching Grady Little managing the Red Sox. 'I'll leave Pedro in there. Sure!' And now his Dodgers are in the playoffs and the best clutch hitter in the history of Boston, David Ortiz is not. I'm going to light myself on fire now. This is like a Stomach Punch loss."

But before Simmons conflagrated himself, he offered a comparison to another Shakespearean tragedy. "Shakespeare's tragedies are predictable because everyone dies in the end. It's like watching a Chinese movie. Everyone just dies. But he's creative. And that's how I feel when I'm watching Blue and the Jungernaut. Blue is like Ophelia - she's in love with their players but they don't love her back. And then as a result of different events, she's goes insane and drowns herself. That's Blue."

"But the Jungernaut are like Hamlet. They can't seem to decide anything. 'To be or not to be,' 'to sleep, perchance to dream or to suffer.' And for the Jungernaut, his players are like Queen Gertrude and the Coach is like Claudius. There's always something rotten going on in the state of the Shark Tank and there may be a power struggle we don't know about. And Hamlet is at the center of it because he's a tortured soul. How else do you explain four empty roster spots? It's like Rosencrantz and Guildenstern decided to kill off a couple of the players before the game but got killed themselves. Does this make any sense? Do I ever make any sense?"

"And I just want to say 'get thee to a nunnery.' You hear that Alex Rodriguez? Don't let the convent door hit you on the way out of the Bronx after you choke again. Here's the skull of Yorick to hold when you make your welcome speech as the new third baseman of the Angels."

Dan (3-1) 53.06 - www.hughhewitt.com (3-1) 45.13

And then there was one. In a low-scoring affair, HH.com was knocked from the list of unbeatens with a close loss at the hands of Team Dan. Team Dan got touchdown runs from Joseph Addai and Rudi Johnson to pace a modest effort. HH.com was hurt by the inactivity of Chris Henry and Brian Westbrook. They did get touchdown scores from Jerricho Cotchery and Bernard Berrian but little else in a meager Week 4 performance.

Simmons viewed this game like two long-time rivals with good teams that neither performed. "This game was eerily similar to Romeo & Juliet - not the Leonardo DiCaprio version - that jumped the shark. But think about it. Have you seen the old movies? Romeo and Juliet are not all that. The Montagues and Capulets have nothing on this rivalry."

"And think about it. Warren was like Romeo before he saw Juliet's seemingly dead body. He thought that Brian Westbrook and Chris Henry were going to play. But apparently, he never got the fax from Friar John and he saw them inactive. So he also decided to go inactive and lose this week. It's a real Elizabethan tragedy."

"Meanwhile, look at Team Dan. Brett Favre is like Paris - the perfectly nice guy that can't get the girl anymore. I mean, look at him. He had negative points this week. He'll always love her even if she doesn't love him back and marries another guy. Speaking of the other guy, Favre's not the Romeo that Tom Brady is. Did I tell you I was at Super Bowl XXXVI? And I almost died when Vinatieri kicked that field goal? J-Bug and I just wanted to run around New Orleans and give all our beads away! It wasn't as great as our Vegas Trip two years ago but man, with the people we saw on streets, it broke the Unintentional Comedy Scale! Laissez les bon temps roulez!"

Cambridge Gooners FC (3-1) 72.29 - Brown Town Blues (1-3) 64.98

Gooners are back in the win column after new acquisition Lamont Jordan ran for 128 yards and a touchdown and Andrew Johnson and David Carr hooked up for a touchdown catch and pass. Willis McGahee also found paydirt for Gooners FC. For Brown Town Blues, Marc Bulger had his best game of the season with 328 yards and three touchdown strikes and Clinton Portis accounted for 140 yards from scrimmage and a score. But they were also victimized by the inept Packers offense and the late scratch of Ahman Green.

BTB skipper Bing Y expected more from many of his players. "I only needed 17 points from three players to win," said Bing. "That's just how it's going for this team nowadays. It's one thing to lose. But to lose to a bunch of Brits it's just embarrassing."

Speaking of the English, a little known fact is that Simmons' favorite Shakespearean tragedy is King Lear. "Who wouldn't like it? Three hot English daughters of the king that all hate each other! The third sister who the king disowns marries a Frenchie. The king is old and senile and gives up his throne too soon. There's betrayal, illegitimate sons, blinded earls, deception, affairs, death, love, war. Good times!"

When asked to compare King Lear to anything he sees in the Shark Tank Football League, Simmons replied, "Well, I can some correlations. Let's consider the NFL. King Lear would be like Bill Walsh. Obviously old and senile, he has lots of young protégés but he just can't grip the fact that there's going to be an end sometime. So he's tried to let things go but can't and just ends up making a mess of things. Kind of like George Karl - he always does great the beginning but after awhile, his players can't stand him anymore. Or maybe that's Doug Collins. Maybe I need to write a 10,000 page article on coaches you want for one season! Who can forget Larry Brown? Isiah, your thoughts? Just don't threaten to kill me again. I don't think I could laugh that hard again and survive without the Sports Gal giving me CPR."

"But in terms of fantasy football, having Goneril and Regan would be two quarterbacks that there's only one position for. Maybe like Doug Flutie and Rob Johnson a few years ago in Buffalo. Wade Phillips made Janus look like he had one face. They're not really that good to begin with and people are wondering why the King loves them.

"And then Cordelia is the good daughter that is underrated until she really shows her loyalty to the king. That's like Tom Brady. Or maybe he's more like Edgar and helping his blind dad from the evil older brother - hey! That would be Drew Bledsoe! He just was underappreciated and came out of nowhere to win for the Patriots. Did I mention that I went to Super Bowl XXXIX too? Jacksonville is nothing like New Orleans but it's a heckuva lot better than Detroit."

Okay, now it's time for some letters from my readers:

Hey BSG: When people see you at Dunkin Donuts, do people challenge you to a game of HORSE? And what is your favorite donut?

Yeah, because all I do is play HORSE at Dunkin Donuts. With their coffee, I recommend the rainbow sprinkles or the maple bar. But it's all about that coffee. Even when Curt Schilling practices his stupid Boston accent. Have you seen the cops that show up at DD? Just shoot me now. I could even beat Basketball Jesus right now if I wanted to. Just gimme a cup of that coffee and Bird will go down. How come we have crap donuts in LA like Winchell's and no DD?

Yo Bill! Tell me how your fantasy draft went? Who was the pick that you mocked and why did your Dad make that pick?

My Dad, God bless him, always goes with his favorite Patriot player. And so he picked Brady in the first round. Then he picked Deion Branch in the second round. I told my Dad that he should pick Ben Watson in the third round because he needed a tight end! When he picked him, I had the look that Byung-Hyun Kim had when he gave up the homers to Tino Martinez, Scott Brosius and Derek Jeter in 2001. Or the face in Ghostbusters when Peter Venkman told that Walter Peck he had no… you know. You can't make this stuff up if you tried.

And finally…

Hey Bill! I have a problem that only you may be able to solve. I want to put together a team of all the funny names in fantasy football. I have a Roethlisberger, a Cotchery, and a Klopfenstein and a Feely? What should I call this team? I was thinking the Simmonses but then I wanted to have you and Richard Simmons as a mascot. What do you think?

Yup, these are my readers…