Shark Tank Football - Week 5 - Presented by Statler and Waldorf

All right everyone, look. You guys HAVE to stop constantly changing team names. If you guys keep changing names, that's it for these summaries. I don't have the time or patience to regularly monitor and police this league for consistency. Even Kobe had to wait a year before he could change to #24. So from now on, any more team name changes have to go through me. Otherwise, I'm going to take my creative license elsewhere. Besides, at least if your team name changes were funny, I could deal with it.

Yes, I'm going all Statler and Waldorf on you guys. I've been spending a lot of time with those two guys that live on the balcony. After Cyprus routed the Republic of Ireland 5-2 this past weekend in Euro 2008 qualifying, the Irish Sun superimposed the Republic of Ireland football manager's head on Kermit the Frog's body. Man, was Kermit offended. For those of you too young to remember the Muppet Show, man, that's too bad. Fortunately, they're going to come out on DVD early next year. I hear getting the rights to all those David Cassidy and Carly Simon song performances was a bit mafan.

(Incidentally, the Irish Sun's headline today: How do you solve a problem like Korea? Man, that's some good stuff.)

So…

It's time to play some football
It's time to lift the fog
It's time to get things started on the Shark Tank Football Blog
It's time to throw some touchdowns
It's time to kick the dog
It's time to raise the curtain on the Shark Tank Football Blog

Why do we always come here
It's always such a bog
It's like a kind of torture
To have to read this blog

And now let's get things started
Why don't you get things started
It's time to get things started
On the most sensational inspirational celebrational Muppetational
This is what we call the Shark Tank Blog!

Here are the standings after Week 5:

Rk  Team                   W-L  Total    Avg  Strk
 1  Donte' Get Healthy!    5-0  418.62  83.72   W5
 2  Dan                    4-1  339.40  67.88   W3
 3  Ophir Gophirs          3-2  388.92  77.78   W2
 4  SBXL Slumps            3-2  384.83  76.97   L1
 5  Cambridge Gooners FC   3-2  343.88  68.78   L1
 6  www.evtales.com        3-2  303.75  60.75   L2
 7  Ram Tuff part 2        2-3  383.20  76.64   W1
 8  Brown Town Blues       2-3  355.40  71.08   W1
 9  Flying pigskins        2-3  333.71  66.74   W1
10  Woodchucks no chuck    1-4  321.79  64.36   L3
11  Blue                   1-4  264.70  52.94   L4
12  the Jungernaut         1-4  254.54  50.91   L1

But I did notice a disturbing development. I looked in horror as I saw advertisements on the fantasy football page. Not even Firefox's Adblock can get rid of them. What can you get for free nowadays?? The nerve of Yahoo! trying to make some money off good people like us. I think Miss Piggy is going to go postal on someone real soon.

Flying Pigskins (2-3) 89.71 - Cambridge Gooners FC (3-2) 52.56

Fred Taylor scored his once-a-year touchdown this week and former Heisman winner, future Heisman forfeiter Reggie Bush returned a punt for a touchdown and 16 points from kicker Robbie Gould gave the Pigskins a surprisingly comfortable victory against Gooners FC.

Gooners FC is arguably weakest at quarterback and this week, were forced to start Jon Kitna who tossed three picks. Solid efforts by kicker Nate Kaeding and the Patriots defense went to waste.

When asked about the performance of the two teams above, Statler and Waldorf were typically unreserved.

Statler: Man, there is nothing like great football.
Waldorf: And that was nothing like it.
Statler: And these seats are awful.
Waldorf: Why? Can't you see anything?
Statler: That's the problem. I can see everything.
Waldorf: I have a good mind to go home and not read this.
Statler: If you had a good mind, you wouldn't be watching and reading this in the first place.

Ophir Gophirs (4-1) 66.70 - www.evtales.com (3-2) 66.68

Perhaps Shark Tank newcomer Warren C is not aware of the curse of changing names. Every time a team makes a significant name change in the team mid-season, it results in serious misfortune to that team. Brent L was the victim of that several years ago when he changed his name every week and was finished 8th. But a new name for Warren C, evtales.com, brings about the same result with a loss the Gophirs by a 0.02 point margin. Or the equivalent of 10 inches rushing/receiving. Or the equivalent of a little over a yard passing.

Rob C rode the Bears defense to victory as they forced five turnovers, registered three sacks and allowed only seven points. That made up for a lackluster offensive performance. While Tom Brady steadied on with two touchdown passes and Reggie Williams had a long scoring catch, the rest of the offense sleepwalked on Sunday.

evtales.com got contributions from Rex Grossman who continues to impress with a pair of touchdown tosses and big-play receiver Bernard Berrian was on the business end of one of those Grossman deliveries. While Brian Westbrook combined for 86 yards and a score, the absence of rookie Chad Jackson, who caught two balls for nine yards last week, killed evt.com's chances.

Statler and Waldorf would have commented on the closeness of the final score but they really couldn't get past the lousy low point totals.

Statler: What does "bork-bork-bork" mean?
Waldorf: That's the Swedish Chef telling them to stop playing like chickens.
Statler: That number they scored scared the pants off of me.
Waldorf: You sure you didn't just forget to put them on?
Statler: Well, maybe we'll be entertained reading this week's blog.
Waldorf: Yes, I turned off my pop-up blocker!

Dan (4-1) 70.82 - Blue (1-4) 41.40

The other rookie Los Angeles-based college running back Maurice Jones-Drew ran for two touchdowns and Chester Taylor chipped in with 154 total yards as Team Dan moves into sole possession of second place with a victory over reeling Blue. However, Dan was dealt a minor blow as the Shark Tank Football Blog has learned that star received Larry Fitzgerald will miss the next two weeks with a hamstring injury.

Blue was unable to recover from last week's debacle as only Eli Manning and Antonio Gates contributed anything of significance to Blue's cause as they have only averaged 45.82 points over the last three weeks. Without a quick and remarkable turnaround, Blue will be on the outside of the playoffs looking in for the second straight year.

Statler and Waldorf commented on the plight of Blue.

Statler: You know, Blue just gets better with age.
Waldorf: Really? Because their team plays better?
Statler: No, because my eyesight gets worse!
Waldorf: But you have to give them credit for trying.
Statler: Why's that?
Waldorf: Well, they're going to keep on trying to play until they get it right.

Ram Tuff part 2 (2-3) 77.19 - Woodchucks no chuck (1-4) 62.52

Speaking of sliding, Woodchucks no chuck continues to struggle since clamoring for this two-bit writer to start summarizing the games and giving him the keys to the car. Perhaps he also should give the writer the keys to his team. Ram Tuff celebrate baby Allison's first week with a convincing win over the hapless Woodchucks.

Ram Tuff received another big game from Donovan McNabb with 354 yards passing, two touchdowns passing and another running. Meanwhile, Reggie Brown caught one of McNabb's touchdown throws and there were consistent 7-8 point performances from almost everyone else which is a sign for a winner.

Deuce McAllister continues to keep Reggie Bush's carries to a minimum as he ran for 123 yards and a touchdown and Anquan Boldin caught a touchdown pass for the first time since Week 1. Obviously, it's because the previous quarterback sucked. Ahem. However, keeping the Eagles defense on the bench turned out to be a huge tactical error as they outpointed the Colts defense by 18 points. Yes, Murphy's Law of Fantasy Sports still controls all.

Meanwhile, Statler and Waldorf, after dissing Blue, now turned their attention to Woodchucks no chuck.

Statler: The way Woodchucks played seemed like something very different.
Waldorf: Did you like it?
Statler: No.
Waldorf: Then it wasn't very different.
Statler: Well, that game made me feel all nostalgic?
Waldorf: What did it remind you of?
Statler: DDT and Thalidomide.

Brown Town Blues (2-3) 63.64 - the Jungernaut (1-4) 60.28

After a miracle win last week, the Jungernaut were hoping to build upon that success against Brown Town Blues, who shared their 1-3 record. Unfortunately, the Jungernaut avoided last week's winning strategy by fielding a full lineup this week and narrowly fell to Brown Town Blues who won their second game in their last three weeks.

Marc Bulger continues his renaissance with 220 yards passing and two touchdowns and Greg Jennings has emerged as he had another solid performance with 105 yards receiving and a score. Carnell "Cadillac" Williams finally had a 100-yard day and the Panthers defense had three takeaways and a defensive touchdown.

Meanwhile, it's back to the drawing board for the Jungernaut. After leaving four empty spots on their roster en route to victory over Blue last week, the fantasy football gods were not on Byron J's side in Week 5. Torry Holt and Randy Moss each had touchdown catches (man, that would have been a great combo five years ago) though Moss flat-out dropped another but outstanding efforts from running backs Tiki Barber, Thomas Jones and rookie Leon Washington resulted in three 100-yard games but zero touchdowns. That and not inserting Matt Leinart who had two touchdowns in his starting debut instead of Charlie Frye who put up a red number (great in golf, bad in everything else) triggered the downfall for the Jungernaut who had no players reach double figures.

Another close game really made Statler and Waldorf emotional.

Waldorf: This game really brought a tear to my eye.
Statler: Really?
Waldorf: Yeah, I'm sitting on a thumbtack.
Statler: Well, at least this blog is really moving quickly this week.
Waldorf: Yes, someone must have told them that it's harder to hit a moving target.

Donte' Get Healthy! (5-0) 67.16 - SBXL Slumps (3-2) 52.68

Larry Johnson had 142 total yards and a touchdown before leaving with a neck injury after dirty play by SBXL's defense and Keyshawn Johnson had a touchdown reception as DGH remained undefeated and untied with a victory over the Slumps who didn't come close to their average point total over the first four weeks.

The Slumps changed their name and lost. Frank Gore continues to give great value for the Slumps with 172 total yards but continued modest performances by the usually spectacular Peyton Manning (only 166 yards and only two touchdown passes) gives Coach David L grave concern. That and whether the clock has struck midnight, the bubble has burst, Elvis has left the building for rookie receiver Marques Colston who only had 38 yards. That and the Slumps had the ignominious privilege to watch the Steelers get schooled in person by the Chargers who ran all over them with Michael Turner… who incidentally, was just dropped by fantasy football day-trader Warren C.

Waldorf: Wow, watching these two teams is really entertaining.
Statler: It sure is. Are we in the right fantasy league?
Waldorf: But just when you think this game is terrible, something truly wonderful happens.
Statler: What's that?
Waldorf: It ends.

But the Shark Tank Football Blog believes the biggest story of the week is that it appears that DGH Coach Brent L is either a supernerd who is meticulously adding up point totals by hand on Sunday night (not just on his own game but on games of his competitors) or he actually shelled out the $10… err… $9.99 for StatTracker®. The cat was let out of the bag based on a post at 8:30 p.m. on Sunday night when Brent commented on the score between Rob and Warren's tilt, well before the usual Monday morning 1:00 a.m. update. That raised the STFB's eyebrows. But this week in review is long enough as it is so we leave it to Statler and Waldorf to present their final thoughts.

Statler: You know Waldorf, the older I get, the more I appreciate good football.
Waldorf: What's that got to do with what we just saw?
Statler: Nothing, I just thought I'd mention it.
Waldorf: Ugh! But this week's blog was just awful.
Statler: Hideous!
Waldorf: Terrible!
Statler: Unreadable!
Waldorf: … See you next week?
Statler: Of course.