Shark Tank Football - Week 6 - Presented by Dear Crabby

Another week, another wacky sequence of results in the Shark Tank. We had a Monday night comeback. We had a quarterback with six turnovers and a record low point total. And most importantly, Brent L's I Pick Donte' .. Again remained perfect and consolidated their lead in the standings while there is a large mass of mediocrity in the middle of the league. Each of the bottom three teams after Week 5 posted victories. The upshot is that nearly halfway through the season, IPDA appears to be in good shape and everyone else remains in uncertain limbo.

Here are the Week 6 standings:

Rk  Team                   W-L  Total    Avg  Strk
 1  I Pick Donte'..Again   6-0  516.27  86.04   W6
 2  Dan                    4-2  395.20  65.87   L1
 3  SBXL Champs            3-3  474.98  79.16   L2
 4  Ophir Gophirs          3-3  455.66  75.94   L1
 5  Ram Tuff part 2        3-3  452.51  75.42   W2
 6  Flying pigskins        3-3  433.21  72.20   W2
 7  Cambridge Gooners FC   3-3  431.69  71.95   L2
 8  www.hughhewitt.com     3-3  321.85  53.64   L3
 9  Brown Town Blues       2-4  423.40  70.57   L1
10  Woodchucks             2-4  415.86  69.31   W1
11  Blue                   2-4  360.66  60.11   W1
12  the Jungernaut         2-4  355.80  59.30   W1

So after a run of impressive celebrities ranging from cartoon characters, football announcers, writers and Muppets, the STFB has decided that it needs to branch out beyond the usual. We may make this a regular feature based on reader mailso we are going to be introducing our own advice columnist - not just on matters of fantasy football but also on life in general. Abigail Van Buren, the pseudonym of the former Dear Abby, has passed on and thus, passed on her column to her daughter. Ann Landers, Abby's sister, has also gone to that great advice column in the sky so we needed to find someone that would have the background and expertise in the field but also the wherewithal to deal with you guys and your problems.

So I introduce Crabby. Crabby doesn't have a last name and in fact, if you call her "Dear Crabby," she would be happy to answer you and all your football and life related questions. But don't take her too seriously. She's just trying to have fun at your expense. It's totally harmless and not at all a blow to your respective psyches. So let's get started.

Ram Tuff part 2 (3-3) 69.31 - www.hughhewitt.com (3-3) 18.10

Ram Tuff is now 2-0 since becoming a father as Reggie Brown scored two touchdowns and the Steelers defense had three interceptions including a touchdown to lead Ram Tuff to a convincing victory over fading HH.com.

Despite Ram Tuff's middling point total, HH.com pulled what is believed as the lowest scoring week in the history of Shark Tank Football. Rex Grossman, who was arguably having the best season of any quarterback, put together a legendary performance. He had only 148 yards passing, four interceptions and two lost fumbles. Six turnovers, baby! The damage? 8.77 points in the red. After starting the season with three straight close wins, HH.com has dropped three straight.

After the loss, Crabby found this in her inbox:

DEAR CRABBY: My quarterback had -8 points on the Monday night game. I've become quite accustomed to losing on Monday night but in the odd event that I'm actually ahead on Monday and my opponent doesn't have anyone playing on Monday, would it behoove me to bench my guys that are playing since I've already won? -- Worried Warren in Wedondo

DEAR WORRIED: I feel for you. But you may have actually stumbled onto something that presents a possible loophole in fantasy football rules. Not that I'm against loopholes. Loopholes are what make America great. You can get away with anything if there's no law against it. It's up to the government to close the loopholes. But you really shouldn't be worried. If this fantasy football thing is making you worried, you need to tell yourself that it's just fantasy football. It's not life and death. There isn't even dinner at Kincaid's on the line. By the by, I got a $20 coupon in the mail - anyone want it? It expires on Sunday and it's not like I can use it. Writing advice columns is a lonely profession. All I do is give and give. Where do I go for advice?

Anyway, perhaps in the future, fantasy football will require that rosters are locked, stocked and barreled at kickoff of the first game of the week to prevent such shenanigans in future seasons. Perhaps this should be called "The Grossman Rule." But Grossman Rule or not, 18 points for a week is pretty darn embarrassing. Shame on you.

Flying pigskins (3-3) 99.50 - Brown Town Blues (2-4) 68.00

Deion Branch and Willie Parker each hit paydirt twice, Travis Henry ran for 178 yards and a score and Matt Hasselbeck threw three scoring passes to lead Pigskins to their second straight win and a .500 record.

Clinton Portis also scored two touchdowns and despite his first interception of the year, Marc Bulger continued his steady play with 360 yards and three more touchdown tosses. But the rest of the team did not play to the level necessary to overtake the suddenly hot Pigskins. Also, after a big game last week, running back Michael Turner returned to his backup role and did not have a single carry which hurt BTB in their effort.

Crabby then fielded this question relating to fantasy sports in general:

DEAR CRABBY, I don't think the rest of my fantasy sports brethren understand me. They don't understand that I live 400 miles away and I try very hard to travel for drafts. But inevitably, I have to use a stupid list to draft. I feel like all the fun is taken away from me. Should I tell my friends to blow off or just kowtow to their every demand in terms of draft days and locations? -- NETTLED KAL IN NORTHERN CAL

DEAR NETTLED: I feel for you too. It's not unusual to have feelings of isolation. It's like when I was in school and none of my friends wanted to come and play with my dollhouse. Everyone wanted to go over to Elizabeth's to play. Well, I showed her! Now she's fat!

Ahem… anyway, Nettled, I suggest that there's a balance in between anger and total submission also known being "fantasy whipped." It's a problem I see in many fantasy sports athletes. The Internet has brought many people together but has also unintentionally torn others apart. So you'll just have to do what you think is best. That's some advice, eh?

As for the list, my gosh. Why do you spend time putting together your own list? Look at that Gophirs guy. When he uses a list, it's from an ESPN list. And when he uses it, he wins. When he trusts his own devices, he stinks. I think there's a lesson to be learned here. Darned if I know what it is.

Blue (2-4) 94.96 - Ophir Gophirs (3-3) 66.74

LaDainian Tomlinson finally broke out of his season long slump by running for four touchdowns and Antonio Gates chipped in with a 57-yard touchdown catch and run as Blue snapped a four-game losing skid by walloping the Gophirs. Kicker Neil Rackers added three field goals and a couple PATs although he should have made at least one more.

Ophir got a solid effort from quarterback Philip Rivers who threw for 334 yards and two scores and Steven Jackson had a combined 96 yards and a touchdown. However, the Gophirs knew they would be at a disadvantage going into this week with so many key players out because of the bye week. The STFB also noted that there was no rookie in the Gophirs lineup this week but "no harm, no foul" as Laurence Maroney could have easily been substituted in for Reggie Williams at the flex position. Besides, the Gophirs got waxed so why would Blue care?

In anticipation for Week 7, Crabby had to endure this e-mail:

DEAR CRABBY: Tom Brady is my only quarterback. But I'm having second thoughts about him. He's a nice enough guy but I feel that a guy that has won three Super Bowls should be more productive. Why can't he score 10 points every week like any other decent player? -- DISGRUNTLED ON GRANT

DEAR DISGRUNTLED: Umm… hello? Tom Brady is one of the most handsome, sexiest men around. He's a genuinely nice guy. Who cares how he plays?

Oh, right, you men always objectify your fantasy athletes. You have to realize that they are human beings too. They aren't defined by the number of touchdown passes they throw or the number of yards they accumulate. They are people that have real feelings. And for you to treat Tommy in this way is incredibly demeaning. I don't care if he averages five points a week or 20. There's a real person behind those statistics.

Now, if it were Daunte Culpepper, I'd be mad because he wasn't healthy even he said he was and he lost his job to Joey Harrington. And I used a high pick on him. What's up with that? Guys like Culpepper should be treated like a number because he hasn't done enough to justify statistically to justify human treatment. But Brady? Just sit back and enjoy his show. Same with Derek Jeter.

the Jungernaut (2-4) 101.19 - Dan (4-2) 55.80

It isn't very often when everything goes right on a team in fantasy football. When one guy excels, another player inevitably has a down game. Murphy's Law of Fantasy Sports is one of those principles that cannot be ignored.

But for Week 6, the Jungernaut had everyone working. Torry Holt had 154 yards and three touchdown catches, Tiki Barber ran for 185 yards and added 42 yards receiving, and tight end Jeremy Shockey had two touchdown receptions as the Jungernaut routed a short-handed Team Dan which had their three-game winning streak abruptly snapped.

Joe Horn finally got into the end zone as he had 110 yards receiving with two scores but results were otherwise few and far between for Team Dan who remained in sole possession in second place because everyone else immediately behind them also stumbled.

Murphy's Law of Fantasy Sports was the subject of this submission:

DEAR CRABBY: It seems like whenever I play a full complement of players, last week notwithstanding, I lose. But when I make a mistake and forget to put in all my players, I win. Could there be a corollary to Murphy's Law of Fantasy Sports (MLoFS) where when nothing that can go wrong will go right? -- BAFFLED BYRON

DEAR BAFFLED: MLoFS is one of those inalienable, unassailable rules that will persist through fantasy sports forever. It can't be helped. It won't be helped. Owners will get screwed no matter what and their cries of frustration will always remain.

But isn't that what makes fantasy sports so great? It's better than a romantic comedy. I mean, all that stuff that happens in between the beginning and the end is irrelevant because I'm still waiting for the first romantic comedy where the girl and the guy don't get together. The formula for a romantic comedy is simple: guy meets girl in some strange circumstance; there is dissension between guy and girl but with a tinge of romantic tension; and there is usually some seminal moment that guy and girl realize that they belong together. So what that in half of those movies, someone or both are cheating on someone else. It's true love, right?

But with fantasy sports, it's the true reality. None of these contrived things like romantic comedies. And who doesn't like romantic comedies? I mean, as long as you pretend you do in front of your significant other.

So is there a corollary to MLoFS? You try playing four guys down every week and tell me how many games you win! And then after you lose, you will tell me, "Man, I should've benched Rex Grossman instead!"

Woodchucks (2-4) 94.07 - SBXL Champs (3-3) 90.15

I had a write-up all done and this was my first line: "Woodchucks continue their impressive run to their second consecutive top draft pick as they drop their fifth straight to fall into sole possession of the Shark Tank cellar."

But that was before Anquan Boldin had 12 catches, 136 yards and a touchdown on Monday night to propel Woodchucks to a come from behind victory and a respite from their recent struggles. The much-maligned Terrell Owens had three touchdown receptions and Laveranues Coles had 106 yards and two more scores. The injury to top pick Shaun Alexander continues to significantly hamper the Woodchucks' ground game as DeShaun Foster and Deuce McAllister combined for 170 yards but no scores. However, the sun shined on Woodchucks come Tuesday morning.

SBXL saw Drew Brees throw for three touchdowns and the lethal receiving duo of Steve Smith and T.J. Houshmandzadeh combined for 291 yards receiving and two touchdowns. Running back Tatum Bell also had 94 total yards from scrimmage and a touchdown run. But Cedric Benson did not get enough opportunity on Monday night to compensate for Boldin's career game.

The victory rescued Woodchucks out of the Shark Tank basement and dropped SBXL Champs into a six-way tie for third place though hold the edge on points.

One letter discussed the lack of deal-making in this league.

DEAR CRABBY: All I've been trying to do all year is to make a trade. I live for trades. I buy stuff cheap from electronics stores and sell them for profit on eBay. And I want to do the same thing here. How can I get other people to join in on the trading fun? Is there a problem with me or is it everyone else? -- TRADER IN TORRANCE

DEAR TRADER: This is a different kind of isolation than I talked about earlier. That was geographic isolation. This appears to be more of an emotional isolation which may be an even more devastating feeling. And despite the physical presence of supposed comrades in fantasy football, there's a strong feeling of withdrawal and loneliness. And that's something you shouldn't have to feel. It's their problem, not yours. I mean, unless you expect someone to trade you their top 5 pick for two scrubs.

But to counter those feelings of loneliness, may I suggest that you take on a different passion? Fantasy sports is one of those competitive endeavors that may be more destructive than constructive. Perhaps it's high time that you take a break from ruthless competition and embrace love through a different activity. I hear stamping is quite popular these days. How about writing advice columns! Can't you feel that I care for all of my readers and I just want to share my love? CAN'T YOU? That Ann Landers has nothing on me.

I Pick Donte' .. Again (6-0) 97.65 - Cambridge Gooners FC (3-3) 87.61

In a battle of the last two Shark Tank Bowl champions, it was IPDA that remains undefeated and untied with another convincing win against a game Gooners squad who dropped their second straight match.

Coach Brent L, Mr. StatTracker himself, watched with glee as Kevin Jones ran for 127 yards and a score and Warrick Dunn rip off a 90-yard scoring run. Michael Vick and Chris Chambers also found paydirt to lead another big-time scoring performance as they take a two-game lead in the Shark Tank standings including a three game lead over the horde of a half-dozen teams tied for third for that all-important first-round bye in the playoffs.

Meanwhile, for Gooners, Roy Williams had 161 yards receiving and a score and Ronnie Brown chipped in with 127 yards rushing and a touchdown. Kicker Nate Kaeding had six PATs and two field goals and the Broncos defense had their turn dismantling the Oakland offense to the tune of four sacks, two takeaways and three points allowed. However, for the title holders, it wasn't enough as they fell to .500 after a 2-0 start.

Our final letter comes from an owner who isn't sure how he's supposed to feel.

DEAR CRABBY: I am 6-0 and feeling invincible. But at the same time, I want to remain humble and gracious to all my fellow owners. But I feel like that's living a lie. I'm freakin' 6-0, baby! Yeah! I feel that I have the right to be condescending to them. What do you think I should do? -- BULLETPROOF BRENT

DEAR BULLETPROOF: Dude! You're 6-0! Virtual high five!

Personally, I'm sick and tired of athletes being all dishonest. Thank goodness for punks like Albert Pujols who tell people that opposing pitchers aren't that good. That's honesty. But I can see your quandary as you are balancing two basic human virtues: honesty with graciousness. And clearly both are important.

My loyal readers know that I try to be honest without being insensitive and acutely blunt. And perhaps that's the tack you need to take. So perhaps, I would try saying something like this when you see them at church:

"I'm 6-0! But, you're doing well too - you've won twice already!"
"Honestly, my team is better than yours, but hey! Maybe you'll get lucky this week."

It's a real toughie, Bulletproof. I hate to take away from your self-confidence as long as it doesn't become unbearable pride. So may I also suggest that you just not say anything but wear a T-shirt that says, "I'm 6-0 and you're NOT!" That way, you can sound gracious when you speak to them with your voice but not shirk honesty by broadcasting how you truly feel. This way, you'll find that happy balance that we are all searching for in life.