Shark Tank Football - Week 10 - Smurfalicious!
Well, the pattern of mediocrity was broken in Week 10. As it worked out, all of the teams that went into Week 10 at 5-4 emerged victorious and now we have a five-way tie for second place. As a result, a two-game gap between the final playoff spot and the chasers has been opened. There are now four teams at 4-6 and with only three games to go before the playoffs, said four teams have much work to do to get a coveted spot in the championship bracket. But they still have a chance as next week, there will be two matchups featuring 6-4 teams meaning that there will be at least two teams falling to 6-5 next week keeping the door slightly ajar for the teams currently on the outside looking in.
Here is how life stacks up after Week 10:
Rk Team W-L Total Avg Strk
1 I Pick Donte'..Again 10-0 906.87 90.69 W10
2 SBXL Champs 6-4 813.71 81.37 W2
3 Cambridge Gooners FC 6-4 754.84 75.48 W2
4 Flying pigskins 6-4 697.49 69.75 W3
5 Ophir Gophirs 6-4 695.52 69.55 W1
6 Dan 6-4 665.22 66.52 L1
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7 Ram Tuff part 2 4-6 771.35 77.14 L2
8 Blue 4-6 724.71 72.47 L2
9 Brown Town Blues 4-6 714.22 71.42 W2
10 www.hughhewitt.com 4-6 534.04 53.40 L2
11 Woodchucks 2-8 650.79 65.08 L4
12 the Jungernaut 2-8 561.90 56.19 L4
Since this is Week 10, this also means I'm still plum out of ideas. So I decided to pull out references from my childhood. After interviewing such luminaries as Kermit the Frog, Miss Piggy and the Swedish Chef, I found some old friends in some Portabella mushrooms I bought from Whole Foods. They're about the height of an apple and blue. Yup, the Smurfs.
Unfortunately with 100 smurfs plus the smurflings that (a) ruined the show and (b) put the number over 100, I couldn't possibly have put into contact with all of them. So whichever smurfs were available for a brief chat are the ones that commented. The smurfs don't play too much fantasy football. After all, there's no Football Smurf. Everyone's too busy to participating in the last bastion of true socialism doing their specialized tasks to play football. But I guess they enjoy it. Except for Brainy Smurf. I can't keep him away from me. But anyway, without further ado…
Cue the theme... you know how it goes. You can whistle along.Ophir Gophirs (6-4) 55.07 - Ram Tuff part 2 (4-6) 52.31
Behind 133 yards and a touchdown from Steven Jackson and another stellar day by the Bears defense, the Gophirs took a big step towards a top-six finish with a narrow victory over Ram Tuff in a low-scoring affair.
With only 55 points and the Bears defense and
Meanwhile for Ram Tuff, despite having the Shark Tank's third highest aggregate point total, the loss dealt a severe blow to Aaron L's chances. Well, as Commissioner, it was his idea to only allow the top six this year into the playoffs so he was his own worst enemy. But not far behind were the Colts trio of Peyton Manning, Reggie Wayne and Marvin Harrison. With Manning completing short passes to tight ends and running backs, the trio were not as productive as usual. Rookie Wali Lundy did have a touchdown run but despite being a heavy favorite, Ram Tuff had to go back and hope that God tells Abraham to sacrifice Isaac and spare the Rams.
We thought it would be appropriate with such a mediocre result to start with Clumsy Smurf. Clumsy is one of the more popular smurf interviews because he is so clumsy which makes him like the common man or woman. "Sometimes the blind squirrel finds a nut," said Clumsy. "This was like the time I led Brainy Smurf after Brainy lost him glasses. Nobody trusted me but at least I got him home. Perhaps the Gophirs or Ram Tuff needs me to lead them around. They couldn't be any worse."
But again, Brainy Smurf couldn't keep his mouth shut. "Papa Smurf always says, 'When we play Smurfball to always catch the ball before we run with it." Just then, Hefty Smurf threw the ball and… well, let's just say that Clumsy has to lead Brainy around again until Papa Smurf can get some new glasses.
SBXL Champs (6-4) 92.56 - Dan (6-4) 52.35
The newly acquired Deuce McAllister ran for two touchdowns while Frank Gore ripped off a 61-yard touchdown run to lift SBXL to a big win over Team Dan and to buy him another week waiting for the return of Shaun Alexander.
Steve Smith added eight receptions for 149 yards and a touchdown. However, after trading tight end Marques Colston, SBXL's depth went up in smoke as eight-time Pro Bowler Tony Gonzalez sprained his shoulder and will miss some time. Heath Miller, who scored this week, was picked up to hold down the fort. T.J. Houshmandzadeh also suffered what appeared to be a concussion but will hopefully not miss any time.
For Team Dan, David Garrard looked like a good start against the Texans. Didn't work out that way. Garrard threw four interceptions though three of them were the result of deflections on dropped passes. Despite not starting, Rudi Johnson ran for a touchdown and rookie Maurice Jones-Drew also had a short touchdown scamper. But with Joe Horn injured again, Team Dan could not keep up with the high-powered SBXL Champs.
When the Shark Tank thinks of SBXL Champs, he can't help but thinking (a) passing touchdowns still aren't six points each and (b) of course, Grouchy Smurf! "I HATE that passing touchdowns are only three points," as Grouchy says with his arms crossed. But then he was asked about passing touchdowns being six points. "I HATE passing touchdowns being worth six points!" he repeated.
Hmm… it just seems I can't please you, Grouchy. "Fantasy football should be like old football before the forward pass. Football has just gotten worse since Knute Rockne started it. I HATE things in the air. Passing touchdowns should not count! Did the quarterback score? NO! So there! Hmph!" Well, there you go. Our final authority on the issue…
Except for Brainy. "Papa Smurf always says that we should always abide by the rules." Unfortunately for Brainy, Azrael was right behind him and ate him. But Azrael spit him out after he couldn't digest Brainy's glasses.
The Shark Tank Bowl III champions are looking good for a chance to defend their title. After going crazy last week, Jevon Walker hit paydirt again and Ronnie Brown ran for a score before leaving with a minor groin injury (as if there is anything minor about a groin injury) as Gooners knocked off the Jungernaut in the High School Fellowship Leadership Derby.
The Jungernaut went on his sabbatical last week and apparently took his football team with him. Or perhaps more accurately, they decided to take their three month sabbatical from September to November. Badabing! They'll have plenty of time to rest now that they've been eliminated from playoff consideration.
Tiki Barber had 157 total yards but again failed to score. Thomas Jones had 30 carries for 113 yards and a touchdown. But Mark Brunell got the start over Matt Leinart and failed to produce while Leinart, despite another poor passing day, ran for a score. Randy Moss hasn't had much to work with this year and only had eight yards this week. Apparently he's smurfed out or something. Bryant Johnson was victimized by the return of Larry Fitzgerald and Leon Washington and Jeremy Shockey both failed to do anything. As a result, five starters netted fewer than 2.5 points. Definitely not smurferrific.
Man… what's that noise? Oh, it's just Harmony Smurf playing his trumpet. We all know how that sounds. I knew this would be a problem so I brought along 200 earplugs with me, one for me and 198 for the other 99 smurfs. The only way I could get him to stop is to talk to him which Papa Smurf made me king for.
We asked Harmony about the plight of the 2-8 last place Jungernaut. "What they need is beautiful music. Let me play Moonlight Sonata!" Argh. Fortunately, Hefty Smurf was toting has barbell while he was walking by. I accidentally stuck my foot out, Hefty tripped and the barbell flew smashed Harmony's trumpet right out of his mouth.
Hefty got kind of man at me. "Man, now what am I going to do?" Don't worry, Brainy is just behind me waiting to say something. "All right!" Without Hefty picked up Brainy and threw him into the new stocks that Handy Smurf just finished building.
"Papa Smurf always says that I should not be tortured unless I'm on a full stomach," Brainy said. Greedy Smurf then brought over a big dessert for Brainy. Unfortunately for Brainy, Greedy ate the whole thing before he could deliver it. Such is life in Smurfland.
Flying pigskins (6-4) 96.76 - Blue (4-6) 78.02
In the crazy-go-nuts game of the year with three players surpassing 27 points, it was the Pigskins with two of the three players to net themselves a critical win over a potentially dangerous Blue team that appears to be heading for an uphill battle just to qualify for the playoffs.
Chad Johnson had 11 receptions for 260 yards and two touchdowns including a 74-yard strike. Willie Parker ran the ball 22 times for 213 yards and two scores for a nifty 9.7 yards per carry. Despite the Pigskins leaving a lot of points on the bench between Brett Favre or Steve McNair instead of starting the formerly red-hot Damon Huard, Reggie Bush's first career rushing touchdown helped the Pigskins' cause.
For Blue, LaDainian Tomlinson had a smurftastic performance. Unfortunately, fantasy football games cannot be won with a one-man show. Tomlinson ran for 104 yards and four touchdowns and chipped in with an additional 54 yards through the air. Marion Barber also had a rushing touchdown and Hines Ward took a pass to the hizzy. But the difference was starting Eli Manning instead of Ben Roethlisberger. The lesson is to not start a QB against the Bears. Manning threw for only 121 yards and two picks. Meanwhile, Roethlisberger threw for 264 yards and three scores which resulted in a nearly 19-point swing that would have made the difference.
With three hot players being featured in this matchup, we came across Smurfette, the smurfiest smurf in the forest. Or maybe she's the ugliest. I mean, she is the only one. "It's hard to be the only cheerleader when there are all those hot smurfs around!" she complained. Have you seen Handy? Or Hefty? Or Vanity Smurf? They're all so dreamy! It's like having Tomlinson and Chad Johnson on the same team!"
Ummm… Vanity Smurf? The guy with the pink flower in his hat? "Well, he may look different but he's impeccably dressed, very kind and gentle and he always has a mirror around when I need to check my hair. In fact, I think Chad Johnson borrows that hand mirror to use when he practices his touchdown dances! So I think he's my kind of smurf! I smurf him!"
We asked Vanity Smurf for a response but he was too busy kissing his reflection in the mirror to notice us.
I Pick Donte'..Again (10-0) 74.80 - www.hughhewitt.com (4-6) 51.14
Donte' Stallworth made a triumphant return to the lineup with 6 catches for 139 yards including an 84-yard touchdown catch and run and despite leaving Philip Rivers and his 337 yards and three touchdowns on the bench for the error-prone Michael Vick, IPDA continues to march on towards an undefeated season by blowing past the outmanned HH.com who have now lost six of seven.
Coming into Week 10 averaging 90+ points per week, IPDA fell short of that. But Braylon Edwards and Larry Johnson also scored one touchdown apiece to move IPDA to 10-0. Next up on the schedule is Blue who are not to be underestimated.
As for HH.com, 3-0 and two transactions per day seemed so long ago. Hmm… maybe Coach Warren C should start adding and dropping more again. It seemed to work before…. As it is, Rex Grossman kept the team afloat with 246 yards passing and three touchdowns and Brian Westbrook had 150 yards from scrimmage. But starting two Patriots receivers against a stingy Jets defense was a fatal mistake as was playing the Chargers defense against a super high-powered Bengals offense.
One smurf that was enchanted with IPDA was our Painter Smurf. He was toting his palette, bow tie and beret. "Magnifique!" was all Painter could say about IPDA's record. "Ze team iz a master-peeza! I want to sculpt a statue of Deric L to put in front of ze stadium! Tres bien!"
Unfortunately for HH.com, Lazy Smurf came by the HH.com training compound this week to pass along a gift - a game plan to battle IPDA. Unfortunately, the gift came in a square yellow box with a pink ribbon and a fuse. "It's a smurfable surprise!" HH.com's receptionist was told. As soon as HH.com coach Warren C opened it up, it blew up in his face. I could hear Jokey Smurf still laughing about it in the distance.
But Papa Smurf had just freed Brainy Smurf from the locks soon enough for Brainy to complain that he wanted a gift. Brainy knew that Jokey had played his trick on him about a zillion times before but Brainy thought he could open it this time without it blowing up in his face. Well, now we know why Brainy wears those safety glasses.
Woodchucks Coach Matt L closely watched DeShaun Foster on Monday night. Foster needed only 61 total yards or a touchdown to give Woodchucks their third win. As it was, Foster had only 13 carries for 48 yards and one catch for nine yards to fall four yards short as Brown Town Blues held on for the narrow win over the hard-luck Woodchucks. The loss eliminates Woodchucks from postseason play as they miss the playoffs for the second straight year.
Terrell Owens and Michael Jenkins each had touchdown receptions and Brandon Jacobs had two short touchdown runs to keep things close. The Eagles defense kept the Redskins to three points and returned an interception for a touchdown. Newly acquired Marques Colston did not disappoint as he hauled in 11 balls for 169 yards. But starting Jake Plummer over the hot Drew Brees proved fatal.
For the victorious Brown Town Blues, they keep their slim playoff hopes alive. Donald Driver had six catches for 191 yards including an 82-yard touchdown catch and run. Driver has now scored three times in four weeks and has exceeded 90 yards in three of those games. Muhsin Muhammad and Darrell Jackson added touchdown catches as well.
Just as we were wrapping up our stay here in the Smurf's village, we heard an evil laugh. Yes, it was the unmistakable cackle of Gargamel. "I hate smurfs!" was all he could say. It sounded like he may actually figure out the location of the forest. "Kind of like Woodchucks! They always seem to forget where the endzone is. You think that they would remember it when they found it but apparently, Papa Smurf casts a magic spell on them too! I'll get all of you if it's the last thing I ever do!"
Papa Smurf looks quite spry considering he's over 500 years old. We asked him to compare life mediating between 100 smurfs and the chemistry problems on these two sub-.500 teams. "Perhaps I need to make a magic potion for both of these teams' players to drink. It works for the many smurfs that get into trouble, I'm sure it will work for them."
When told that there are only three weeks left in the season, Papa Smurf recanted. "My mystical powers are only so great. I'm Karl Marx, not Gandalf the White."
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