Shark Tank Football - Shark Tank Bowl IV and Playoff Report

So Shark Tank Bowl IV is over. And yes, I've been delinquent with these updates. I mean, they're not really updates - y'all can see what the current status of the league is. And most of you probably don't even check the league page after your team got bounced. Anyway, here's the leadup to Shark Tank Bowl IV.

First, the final standings:

Rk  Team                  W-L  Total   Avg(Rk) Strk
 1  I Pick Donte'..Again 12-1 1161.33  89.33(1)  W2
 2  SBXL Champs           9-4 1041.11  80.09(2)  W5
 3  Dan                   8-5  953.35  73.33(5)  L1
 4  Flying pigskins       8-5  936.18  72.14(6)  W1
 5  Ophir Gophirs         7-6  903.98  69.54(8)  L1
 6  Blue                  6-7  996.48  76.65(3)  W1
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 7  Ram Tuff part 2       6-7  966.85  74.37(4)  W1
 8  Cambridge Gooners FC  6-7  909.74  69.98(7)  L3
 9  www.hughhewitt.com    6-7  719.08  55.31(11) L1
10  Brown Town Blues      4-9  847.82  65.22(9)  L3
11  Woodchucks            3-10 831.77  63.98(10) L1
12  the Jungernaut        3-10 712.35  54.80(12) W1

WEEK 14 - PLAYOFFS FIRST ROUND

Usually, the first round is where #1 seeds go to die. But thanks to Commissioner Aaron L decreeing that only six teams make the playoffs, the #1 and #2 seeds received a bye so they don't say bye in the first round. Of course, I can't neglect to mention that said decision cost Mr. Commissioner a playoff spot. Oh well. Anyway, some of these recaps were written two weeks ago but I just never uploaded it. So the information may be dated.

So Willie got the results he needed to make the playoffs as the #6 seed. But he would have to square off against #3 Team Dan. Meanwhile, #4 Flying Pigskins squared off against #5 Ophir Gophirs in the rubber match for all the marbles. Or at least the ones left on the table. So what happened? Well, most of you don't care anymore so I won't bore you with the results. Just know that with the victories come the spoils. And with the defeats come the mocking. And as Tony Kornheiser is reputed to say, "The sincerest form of mockery is mockery." So here we go.

First Round Game #1
#3 Dan 105.44 - #6 Blue 94.28

Another big game from Blue's LaDainian Tomlinson wasn't enough to compensate for the well-rounded effort put forth by Team Dan as the #3 seed advance to the semifinals.

After a slow start, Coach Dan L has put together quite the solid albeit unspectacular team. In fact, Team Dan has exceeded 90 points in three of the last four weeks. Recent acquisition Jeff Garcia has acquitted himself nicely at the quarterback spot. Garcia has thrown eight touchdown passes over the previous four weeks including two this week and is starting to look like a much better play than the recently injured (and probably would have been benched) Jake Delhomme.

Garcia was only one of seven players that broke double figures - balance that's almost required for postseason success. Plaxico Burress whined for the ball and caught another scoring pass giving him one each of the past four outings. Larry Fitzgerald had a spectacular leaping touchdown reception and Bengals players T.J. Houshmandzadeh and Rudi Johnson combined for 240 yards and three scores. Lee Evans continued his hot play with 91 yards and a touchdown catch and the Dolphins defense pitched a shutout registering five sacks and recovering three Patriot fumbles.

Alas, it is indeed a Blue day for Blue. At least the Dodgers got Jason Schmidt. Unfortunately, they also signed Luis Gonzalez and Juan Pierre. Woohoo! Go Dodgers! What the heck? That's $16 million bucks on guys that are below average. What's wrong with Andre Ethier? I mean, you'd think he'd start but why do I get the strange feeling that Marlon Anderson is going to be out there a lot in RF? And James Loney is now gonna rot away on the bench and start butchering balls in the outfield in Las Vegas. I understand re-signing Nomar but my goodness. Soon the Dodgers will be the Giants part two - old guys.

Anyway, Blue got three more TD runs from Tomlinson giving him 29 on the season through Week 14. Ben Roethlisberger continued his second half resurgence with a touchdown through the air and on the ground. Man, he's slow. Antonio Gates also caught two scoring passes.

But mistakes were made that proved costly. Marion Barber's hot run came to a screeching halt as he had two carries for -1 yards. Buhao. Speaking of buhao, Blue's three wide receivers and flex combined for 211 yards and no touchdowns. Meanwhile, Ladell Betts had 185 total yards and had he started instead of Barber, David L would be peeing in his pants right now.

First Round Game #2
#4 Flying pigskins 98.54 - #5 Ophir Gophirs 50.09

The Pigskins and Gophirs split their first two meetings this season. But in Round 3, Kalvin's boys laid a beatdown on the hapless Gophirs to move onto the semifinals and to send Rob C to the always coveted 5th Place Game. Why does Yahoo play a 5th place game? Who cares really? Pride you say? Fine. Pride is bad anyway. Somebody's kid told me so the other day.

Really, the Pigskins could have won by more. But we'll let that slide this week since they won so decisively. Nah, let's not. Not that anyone would have started Mark Clayton over Deion Branch or Travis Henry over Fred Taylor.

But once again, it was Willie Parker's near record-breaking performance that got the Pigskins flying. Parker ran for 223 yards and a touchdown. Meanwhile, Taylor ran through what looked like 11 guys in Colts uniforms on Sunday for 131 yards on only nine carries and found the endzone. And Reggie Bush has finally paid dividends for the Pigskins at crunch time with an electrifying 61-yard catch and run. Matt Hasselbeck also threw three touchdown passes.

Once Rob C found out that Laurence Maroney would not play, he knew he was finished. Too bad he didn't find out until about 11:00 a.m. on Sunday morning. At least his mind was in the right place - fantasy baseball. Tom Brady killed many a fantasy owner this weekend with his legendary 78-yard passing performance and a fumble. Steven Jackson salvaged a more respectable point total after he had 139 total yards and two touchdowns on Monday night. There were a lot of small numbers up and down the Gophirs scoresheet in Week 14.

WEEK 15 - THE SEMIFINALS

Well, Kalvin's Wallbangers, I mean, Airballers, I mean… Flying Pigskins went in against the #1 seed I Pick Donte'..Again. Meanwhile in the other semifinal, Dave L's SBXL Champs took on the #3 Team Dan as chalk held up for the first round. Will it continue for Round Two? Well, you all know this so I'll cut out the suspense.

5th Place Game
#6 Blue 75.60 - #5 Ophir Gophirs 49.93

I'm not sure either Willie or Rob adjusted their roster for this game. And who'd blame them? What does 5th place get you besides a lower draft pick? But anyway, for the sake of closure, LaDainian Tomlinson and Marion Barber each scored two more touchdowns and Ben Roethlisberger threw for one and ran for another as Blue, despite having two guys that didn't play captured the coveted fifth place position.

Tomlinson ran for 199 more yards including an 85-yard scoring run. Barber had two more short touchdown runs inside the 10-yard line. For the Gophirs, Rob got 127 yards and two scores from Steven Jackson and he must be wondering where the heck all this production was in the first half of the season. Tom Brady only threw for 109 yards but contributed two touchdown passes.

I tried to contact both coaches to ask them how much the fifth place game meant to them. I knocked on stately Grant Manor only to be attacked by two cats. I guess they knew I'm a tad allergic. Then having the scratching pole mysteriously fall on my head didn't raise any eyebrows either. I guess they were busy or something.

So then I called Casa de Willie, Esq. I kept trying to reach him but I just kept getting his receptionist. Being familiar with the California Code of Civil Procedure, I then sent him a letter demanding a deposition. His paralegal astutely noted that we didn't have pending litigation.

Darn it. Caught on a technicality. So I decided to file my complaint and served him with papers as he walked into the sanctuary. He still refused to talk. But I finally served him all my discovery demands and I filed a motion to compel his deposition. Willie finally gave in. So here is the true and correct transcript of the deposition.

EL: So Willie, what did you think of the fifth place game?

WW: I didn't even know there was one.

EL: Did you make any roster moves?

WW: No, because I didn't know I had another game.

EL: I see. A likely story. Now if you had known, wouldn't you have put in Ladell Betts since Jerious Norwood was injured?

ATTORNEY: Objection! Leading question.

EL: Withdrawn. Okay, that is all.

Whew, that was worth the $3000 of legal fees I incurred for that deposition. That transcript alone cost me $500. Anyway, I hope this gave everyone a glimpse into the legal process. God bless America.

Semifinal #1
#1 I Pick Donte'..Again 75.25 - #4 Flying Pigskins 59.43

Michael Vick threw for four touchdown passes and rookie standout Stephen Gostkowski kicked four field goals and four extra points to lead IPDA to a date with destiny in Shark Tank Bowl IV. Coach Brent L is aiming for his second Shark Tank Bowl title and the trophy that goes along with it. Yeah, and the $5,000,000 bonus for winning ain't bad either. But I'm still waiting on that sponsorship deal from Enron to come through.

It was an uncharacteristically unbalanced attack from IPDA. Aside from Vick and Gostkowski, the Ravens defense put forth their usual stout effort contributing six sacks and two interceptions. Cedric Benson ran for a rare touchdown as well. Fortunately, the pitiful efforts of receivers Donte' Stallworth, Marty Booker and Keyshawn Johnson were not fatal.

Another tough conclusion to a season for the Airballers. Willie Parker had another strong game and Joey Galloway also scored a touchdown. But Kalvin was hurt by injuries to tight end Ben Watson and key running back Fred Taylor. Reggie Bush also returned to being the Trojan tank that he is. I'm sure Coach Kal knew that (a) picking an injury-prone running back instead of a stud rookie UCLA tailback and (b) relying on a Trojan rookie would spell bad karma.

"From now on, I'm always going to pick Bruin players," said the disheartened Coach Kal. If I had taken Maurice Jones-Drew instead of Bush, I would still be playing. Next year, I'm just going to take UCLA guys and staying away from USC players. I'll take Troy Aikman if I have to. I can go with a backfield of DeShaun Foster and Jones-Drew. I can play Drew Bennett and Tab Perry… okay, my team would stink. But I can't compromise my integrity again. It's just not worth it. Especially if I don't win."

Coach Brent L was unavailable for comment. He decided to sequester his players in the team hotel for the next week watching nothing but tapes of the UCLA/USC game this year and reminding them to not tank like USC. That didn't make Keyshawn Johnson too happy. To which Brent shouted back, "Hey! When you were at SC, we didn't win jack squat. Beating Northwestern in a Rose Bowl is not up to the standards we here at IPDA try to uphold. On the other hand, we here at UCLA beat you eight times in a row, remember??!"

At this point, Coach Brent's UCLA/USC schizophrenia was really beginning to confuse me. I asked him which side he really was on to which he replied, "The winning side!" So then I asked him if he was happy that UCLA beat USC this year. He said, "No because USC could've been national champs! I have to take the optimal result. So if that meant UCLA not making the Emerald Bowl and USC making the National Championship Game, so be it." Thanks for clearing that up.

Semifinal #2
#2 SBXL Champs 66.19 - #3 Dan 57.52

After Sunday's action, David L's SBXL Champs held about a 30-point lead. But Team Dan had Rudi Johnson, Joseph Addai and T.J. Houshmandzadeh ready to chip away at that target. Unfortunately, though Johnson ran for 79 yards and a touchdown and Addai had 79 total yards, Houshmandzadeh was quiet and Addai sprained his ankle in the second half to help SBXL make Shark Tank Bowl IV in David L's rookie campaign.

For Team Dan, it was a mediocre effort up and down the lineup. Jeff Garcia had an unspectacular game and Plaxico Burress caught 120 yards' worth of passes but no touchdowns. Other players had disappointing efforts in comparison to recent outputs. Chester Taylor and Alge Crumpler laid eggs and Josh Brown only had two PATs.

SBXL Champs continues to do just enough to win. Frank Gore was quiet in the first half of the Thursday game but exploded in the second half finishing up with 178 yards and a touchdown continuing to pay off big dividends for one of the last first-string running backs drafted. Shaun Alexander also scored in that same game. But the pickup of the year so far, rookie Maurice Jones-Drew had 145 total yards and another touchdown. Marques Colston seems like yesterday's news.

That made up for the low point total of rookie wunderkind Vince Young who was victimized by the Titans defense's propensity of scoring touchdowns without requiring the offense. Young didn't even take the field for about 20 straight minutes at one point. Steve Smith has Chris Weinke throwing to him and Devery Henderson is… well, Devery Henderson. But SBXL continues to live off the incredible production of his tandem of backs. He even was able to bench Deuce McAllister. Such an abundance of riches.

Coach Dan L of Team Dan was still proud of his team. "This team got a heck of a lot further than I thought it would after the draft. That being said, it's been a long time since a Len has hoisted a trophy in football. I think I need Laurie to come back because either me, her or Aaron always seemed to win when all three of us played. Heck, we should get three more teams for the children too. We can corner the league. That's okay - Aaron and I always win in basketball. Even though Aaron is only ahead of Byron right now, I'm gonna run down Matt L. 'Thanks for fighting, Carmelo!'"

WEEK 16 - THE FINAL CHAPTER

Don't they have different catchphrases for each Wrestlemania? Let's see, yes, they do. Well, I don't work in advertising so I have nothing catchy for Shark Tank Bowl IV. But like the World Cup, we have a bronze medal game that no one cares about. But the competitors do, right? I saw the flurry of activity from the Pigskins' camp. Let's see if it was worth it.

Third Place / Bronze Medal Game
#3 Dan 83.56 - #4 Flying Pigskins 64.65

Nope, I guess not. The receivers that didn't show up last week for Team Dan showed up one week too late. Burress, Houshmandzadeh and Larry Fitzgerald all scored this week and quarterback Jeff Garcia had another solid game to propel Team Dan to the bronze medal. Joseph Addai bounced back from his sprained ankle to run for 100 yards and Rudi Johnson scored yet again.

For the Pigskins, even though they didn't come away with any silverware, they can hold their heads up high. I mean, they can't take away the 2006 basketball title. But egads, what a dreadful performance in Week 16. This is how any American national team would play in a third place game. Reggie Bush does what all sometimes spectacular players do - show up when it doesn't count the most. Bush ran for 126 yards including a one-yard TD run. Travis Henry ran for 135 yards and Randy McMichael bullied his way through the defense into the endzone. But Willie Parker's pixie dust finally wore off as he only had 29 yards rushing and lost a fumble. Chad Johnson and Arnaz Battle (why oh why is Arnaz Battle in a fantasy lineup?) also coughed up footballs. Robbie Gould kicked four more field goals.

Both coaches came out for postgame press conferences but no reporters showed up including me. I was too busy watching Shark Tank Bowl IV. And playing Final Fantasy XII. And Mario Party VIII. I got lots of better things to do.

SHARK TANK BOWL IV
Presented by Marineland of the Pacific
#2 SBXL Champs 76.23 - #1 I Pick Donte'.. Again 71.66

Brent Musberger kicked off the broadcast with, "You are looking LIVE on Shark Tank Bowl IV!" Yeah, we couldn't afford Al Michaels and John Madden either.

Chalk held up all the way through the playoffs. UNTIL NOW. The two teams were within a point of each other through Sunday's action. But on Monday, SBXL had Tony Romo and Chris Chambers going while IPDA had to rely on the eponymous Donte' Stallworth.

It turns out, even two Donte' Stallworths would not have helped IPDA this week as Trader David L hoisted the Shark Tank trophy as the champion of Shark Tank Bowl IV. Like their namesake SBXL Champs, Coach David L guided his team to an long winning streak that culminated in a title, this win being their seventh in a row. Hopefully he'll do better next year than the Steelers did in 2006. Just stay off the bike unless you have a helmet on.

Originally, SBXL had Travaris Jackson in the lineup. This writer's gut reaction? That would be royally stupid. Not only did Dave pick up a rookie quarterback after one good quarter of football, he dropped the possible rookie of the year Vince Young. Even though Young went nuts again this week, at least sensibility prevailed and Romo was inserted into the lineup. Romo did just enough thanks to some late scrambles that gave him 42 rushing yards to negate two interceptions and only 142 yards passing and one touchdown.

SBXL's wideouts combined for a whopping 0.64 points. That's exactly 11 yards. 33 feet. That's pathetic. But what wasn't pathetic was the running backs triumvirate of Frank Gore, Shaun Alexander and Maurice Jones-Drew. Each scored two touchdowns and combined for exactly 400 yards from scrimmage. Deuce McAllister had 122 yards and a score and Coach David L played it correctly as at 14.13 points, he was the least productive of the four. Despite his defense putting up a duck for the second week in a row, SBXL did just enough to win.

Meanwhile for IPDA, a stellar regular season ends in heartbreak. Larry Johnson scored for the first time in four weeks as he ran for 135 yards and a score. Astute acquisition Ron Dayne ran over the Colts defense for 153 yards and two scores. But the clock struck twelve on Michael Vick who had his poorest performance of the season in the biggest game. Vick threw for 109 yards, no touchdowns and two picks and only ran for 32 yards. The Ravens defense did its job again but the putrid performances from everyone else led to IPDA's downfall.

"We did everything right this season," lamented Coach Brent L in the losing dressing room. "Even picking Donte' twice seemed like it was destiny waiting to happen. The worst part of this is having to pick second to last and have nothing to show for this season. But don't worry - we'll be back next year and we'll pick someone twice again and see if the magic can repeat itself."

The SBXL Champs (or the now STB IV Champs) locker room was covered with plastic in anticipation for champagne celebrations. Unfortunately, the shipment got delayed so all that was on hand were cans of soda. Afterwards, he made sure to line up the empty cans neatly on the bookshelf in the coaching office to commemorate the occasion. "What a moment!" chimed in an exhilarated Jim Nantz.

But the head coach was most pleased. "Maybe I got a little lucky - teams didn't play their best games against us. But a win is a win and now, I get to pick last again!"

Here is the updated list of Shark Tank Bowl Champions:

2003 I: Willie W
2004 II: Brent L
2005 III: Andy J
2006 IV: David L

Interestingly enough, I believe that having the last pick is the key to victory. The winners of Shark Tank Bowls I, III and IV all had the final pick of the first round. So Dave, I hope no new coaches come into the league so you can have the coveted final pick. Heh, that would be one reason to come out of fantasy football retirement.

And my favorite part of the year, the 2007 Shark Tank draft order (hey! I thought the league's name this year was supposed to revert to 'The Shark Tank'!). Byron Samantha J, you are now on the clock.

1. Byron J
2. Matt L
3. Bing Y
4. Warren C
5. Andy J
6. Aaron L
7. Rob C
8. Willie W
9. Kalvin S
10. Dan L
11. Brent L
12. David L

And thus concludes the 2006 fantasy football season. Please don't forget to deposit your trash (i.e., used players) in the waste receptacles provided and remember to drive home safely.