2008 Shark Tank Football - Draft Recap and Week 1

Yes indeed, after a one year hiatus, the official Shark Tank Football Blog is back. The author still doesn't really care about fantasy football but he was excited about being in a 14-team league where the waiver wire would be filled with dregs and everyone would face a roster crunch. And he was still upset when he learned that Brent ripped off his team name. Brent got his comeuppance with a mere fifth place finish in 2007.

Willie won his second Shark Tank Bowl title last year knocking off upstart Byron. Unfortunately, I could care less because I wasn't playing. I only care a little more this year and that was evident by the fact that I skipped out on the draft because of other obligations.

Speaking of fantasy football, how about a shout-out to all the significant others? A couple years ago, I presented this alternative: The Fantasy Fashion League. It starts on 9/21 just in time for the Emmys so get your roster in now!

But I came across this article on ESPN.com for a group of fantasy football widows. They brand themselves as Women Against Fantasy Sports (WAFS). I've decided I will buy this T-shirt that says "I thought I was your fantasy" for the winner's wife. If the winner is single, well, then, I guess I can save myself the $21. If the winner is a woman, I think her husband should wear the shirt to the next draft as punishment.

Draft Recap

Since I wasn't at the draft, I can't possibly write a recap that includes all the insults and "good picks." But Rob has gratefully labeled the good picks. Well, let's see... Andre Johnson in Round 2? How is that a "good pick?" Brent does realize that he has Matt Schaub as his quarterback, right? Warren Moon doesn't play in Houston anymore. And Marques Colston? Brent should've been able to see that he would tear ligaments in this thumb.

Also, I'm shocked, SHOCKED that Tony Romo fell to the 24th overall pick. I'm sure Andy was doing cartwheels when he saw that. Speaking of cartwheels, did you hear about the Real Salt Lake soccer player who broke his leg doing a backflip after scoring a goal? He's out for the year. And the goal didn't even count because someone was adjudged offside.

But seriously, Braylon Edwards over Romo? Brandon Jacobs? Well, Aaron already drafted Tom Brady so he was all set at QB. Or not.

With so many teams, this season looks pretty unpredictable. I like this better than the 10-team leagues that have a gazillion decent players on waivers. Scarcity is a wonderful thing. The best part is that every owner can look at his/her team and think, "Man, my team is pretty ordinary." But with 14 teams, no team really stands out on paper.

I gave Aaron a set of draft instructions which kinda fell apart after the first directive - draft Darren McFadden in the first round if available. After that, I guess it didn't matter and I learned that the ESPN and Yahoo lists stink. Just like my team. Speaking of my team, guess who's in first after Week 1?

Rk  Team                   W-L    Total    Avg  Strk
 1  This Team Stinks       1-0    83.57   83.57   W1
 2  Haha Buttha            1-0    83.52   83.52   W1
 3  Hana Buttah            1-0    81.76   81.76   W1
 4  Under new ownership    1-0    80.16   80.16   W1
 5  dan's team             1-0    72.12   72.12   W1
 6  Ophir Gophirs          1-0    64.75   64.75   W1
 7  Make it work           1-0    61.98   61.98   W1
 8  Average Joes           0-1    78.97   78.97   L1
 9  Flying pigskins        0-1    76.97   76.97   L1
10  Brown Town Blues       0-1    64.05   64.05   L1
11  Laurie's Team          0-1    57.42   57.42   L1
12  ESPN List knows best   0-1    54.53   54.53   L1
13  Blue                   0-1    49.90   49.90   L1
14  The JUNGERNAUT         0-1    48.72   48.72   L1

Jay Cutler got an additional passing yard in the NFL official stats. Normally, that's only worth .025 points. Ah, but that extra yard put Cutler at 300 yards on the nose which garnered me a bonus point. Why do we have bonus points anyway? Was this to satisfy all of you that complained that we weighed touchdowns too much? I thought the object of football was to score, not just accumulate yardage. Perhaps I was wrong and all the women that think fantasy football is ruining the universe are correct.

Brent's Team (1-0) 83.52 - Average Joes (0-1) 78.97

I'm sick of Brent changing his team name. He just rips off other team names. Now he's bastardized Warren's team's name into something different. He may as well just called his team Baba Buddha and burned incense at the feet of the fantasy gods. Don't forget to bow three times or your team will lose.

But for Week 1, those prayers worked because the injury to Average Joe's first-round pick Tom Brady cost Aaron the victory. Brady only tallied 76 yards of passing as Aaron fell by about 4.5 points. He did get a massive contribution from rookie running back Matt Forte who had 141 yards from scrimmage and a touchdown. Forte might have had more but the Bears were rolling the Colts and Forte was nicked up. Who would've thought that Tarvaris Jackson was the key to an Average Joe's victory?

Meanwhile, Brent's Team got 220 rushing yards and three touchdowns from former Chargers backup Michael Turner. That resulted in over 30 fantasy points. I bet that Turner won't have another game like that ever. And that's bad news for Brent because he got little help from elsewhere. He started two guys that didn't play and still won. LenDale White looks like he's about to lose playing time to rookie Chris Johnson but scored a touchdown on his way out. Frank Gore shook off preseason predictions of mediocrity with 151 yards from scrimmage and a touchdown.

Aaron was diplomatic in losing Brady. "Well, it's just fantasy football, not life." Here's to thinking that Tiff won't have to worry about getting a free T-shirt this year.

Hana Buttah (1-0) 81.76 - Flying pigskins (0-1) 76.97

Speaking of name changes, Flying pigskins coach Kalvin was hoping for Chad Ocho Cinco get at least ocho cinco yardas and at least one trip to la zona de anotación. Instead Ocho Cinco got only veintidos yardas and the Skins lost by a little less than cinco puntos to Warren's Hana Buttah.

Donovan McNabb rewarded Kalvin with a fantasy-studlike performance in throwing for 361 yards and three touchdowns. #2 overall pick Adrian Peterson proved his worth by running for 103 yards and scoring a touchdown. And the Chicago defense lived up to billing with a safety, a touchdown and two sacks against the Colts. Kalvin was noticeably bitter at Ocho Cinco's antics after the game. "I think Ocho Cinco not only refers to his uniform number but also his IQ," he bitterly complained.

Meanwhile, Warren saw his quarterback, Drew Brees, nearly match McNabb with 343 yards in the air and three touchdowns. Willie Parker equaled his touchdown total from 2007 in the first game of the year as he ran for 138 yards and three scores. Rookie Kevin Smith compiled 80 yards from scrimmage and a touchdown as well.

Warren nearly started a riot in the Shark Tank by declaring himself a "republican for Obama." I don't even know who this Obama fellow is. Perhaps Warren was confused in thinking Obama was really 'ohana. I mean, I hear this guy lived in Hawaii. Doing a quick Google search on this Obama guy turned out quite a bit of stuff. Wow, apparently he's running for president or something.

So Obama's campaign slogan is "Change You Can Believe In." That is so strikingly similar to Hillary Clinton's slogan: "Change You Can Count On." Apparently belief is stronger than counting. Although The Count was one of my favorite Sesame Street characters. However, I guess Mr. Snuffleupagus is more popular since he was a fantasy belief turned reality.

I decided to look up other presidential campaign slogans that incorporated the word "change." While I chuckled at many slogans, I need to save material for the run-up to the election. Well, I will share Woodrow Wilson's 1916 slogan: "He kept us out of war." At least, he did until five months after the 1916 election. Evidently, the best campaign promises are the ones you make after the fact.

Anyway, Walter Mondale's 1984 slogan was "America Needs a Change." Evidently not. In 1976, Jimmy Carter had a couple slogans en route his victory over Jerry Ford. "Not Just Peanuts" was probably better known than "A Leader, For a Change."

John McCain's slogan is "Reform, Prosperity, Peace." That is amazingly similar to Eisenhower's 1956 slogan of "Peace and Prosperity." But isn't "reform" just another word for change? I mean, change isn't always for the better but reform suggests something better, right? So I think Obama should change his slogan to "Reform You Can Believe In". Yeah, it doesn't quite have the same ring to it. Not exactly as catchy as "Tippecanoe and Tyler Too."

I love politics! So much material!

Under New Ownership (1-0) 80.16 - The JUNGERNAUT (0-1) 48.72

We didn't have many blowouts in Week 1 except for this. David schooled his former work colleague with a well-balanced performance in his victory over 2007 runner-up Byron.

Rookie Chris Johnson who was every fantasy expert's sleeper coming into the season did not disappoint with 127 yards from scrimmage and a receiving touchdown. Ben Roethlisberger threw two touchdown passes in a steady performance. Almost every player for David scored a touchdown and that's usually a good sign.

For Byron, it was a disappointing start to the season. No Brady and no Moss this year. Of course, that isn't so bad now. But when your top point-scorer in below 10 fantasy points, that's a recipe for failure. Giants tandem Eli Manning and Plaxico Burress contributed nearly half of the JUNGERNAUT's point total. Meanwhile, Byron left rookie receiver Eddie Royal's 146 yards receiving and a touchdown on the bench. Not that it would have helped him.

In real life football, Super Bowl losers usually follow it up with bad years. In fact, they often don't even make the playoffs. We'll see if things change in the Shark Tank or if fantasy mirrors real life.

I don't know if any of you guys actually notice the Yahoo avatars. But I noticed Byron's avatar has the guy holding something in his left hand. I can't tell if it's a cell phone. It's flat and rectangular and it's being held close to the dude's ear. I asked Byron about that avatar and he said, "That's what being the father of two young children is like, always on the phone getting stuff for the kids."

However, I'm unconvinced that it's really a mobile phone that the guy is holding. I think it could be any number of things. Yes, I suppose he looks like some sort of business dude that appears to be busy holding a phone. But I think the object could also be an eraser. Or a sponge. Or even block of white post-it notes. Let me know what you think that object REALLY is.

This Team Stinks (1-0) 83.57 - Brown Town Blues (0-1) 64.05

I would like to thank ESPN for ranking Tennessee's defense so low. The Titans D knocked the Jags around for seven sacks, two picks and a recovered fumble and Cutler threw for 300 yards and two touchdowns to lead This Team Stinks to one more victory than Elijah had all of 2007.

Speaking of surpassing something, I read a prediction that Thomas Jones would quadruple his touchdown total from 2007. That got me really excited until I discovered he only scored once last year. But he's already equalled that number in 2008! Jones ran for 100 yards as well as getting into the endzone. Rookie first rounder Darren McFadden is starting to look like a mistake as he only got nine carries for 46 yards.

For Bing's Brown Town Blues, coming off a playoff appearance last year, Week 1 was a disappointing result. Jeff Garcia threw for 221 yards and touchdown. But that's the good news. The bad news is that he also threw an interception and that he and his real life coach are on the outs. WAFS would say, "Cry me a river."

Marion Barber did have 101 yards from scrimmage and two rushing scores to help the offense. However, the BTB receiving corps of Braylon Edwards, T.J. Houshmandzadeh and Roddy White totalled 112 yards and no scores. The Pittsburgh defense gave its typical double-digit performance but it wasn't enough.

I think Brown Town Blues may hold the record for the most guys in dreadlocks on the same team at one time. Barber and DeAngelo Williams both wear dreadlocks. Troy Palomalu is on the Pittsburgh defense. So I propose that Bing rename his team "Bob Marley Blues." But Marley was a reggae artist and not a blues singer. But that just sounds cool. "Hey, I named my team after Bob Marley, mon." Speaking of Jamaica, did you read the article where some physicist calculated that if Usain Bolt hadn't messed around in the last 20 meters of the 100m, he would've run 9.55? That's interesting but not as interesting as how much he would beat everyone by if he sported dreadlocks.

Make it work (1-0) 61.98 - Blue (0-1) 49.90

Matt's run of last-place finishes is very impressive. Once again, he has LaDainian Tomlinson on his team but this time, LT got help fro his teammates as Make It Work defeated defending champs Blue in a relatively low scoring affair.

Brett Favre made his Jets debut with 194 yards passing and two scores. Rookie Felix Jones came off the bench to rush for 62 yards and a touchdown. Tomlinson, Earnest Graham and Larry Fitzgerald each made modest contributions to the winning effort.

For Blue, it was a blue weekend indeed. Peyton Manning pitched in for 257 passing yards and a score and Jerricho Cotchery caught 80 yards' worth of passes and scored in the process. But when six of your ten active players each score four points or less, that's not so good.

I am curious about the origins of many of our team's names. Some names are more obvious than others. However, I wondered aloud about the genesis of "Make it work." Could this be a reference to Ne-Yo's song? These lyrics caught my eye:

"Looking for perfect, surrounded by artificial
You're the closest thing to real I've seen
Sure everyone has their problems
Yours are the easiest to tolerate"

That's fantasy football in a nutshell.

Or could Matt be an avid viewer of Project Runway? I know I get really excited when the designers come out and Tim Gunn tells a particpant with some garish design to"make it work." So there you go. It's "make it work time." Get to it, Matt.

Ophir Gophirs (1-0) 64.75 - Laurie's Team (0-1) 57.42

In a hotly contested game between two old rivals (old not in terms of age, just in terms of longevity - yes, that's much better), it was Rob getting the upper hand this time as Brian Westbrook ran for a touchdown and caught another to lead the Gophirs to victory.

Good pick Andre Johnson did have 112 yards receiving but failed to score. Did I mention Matt Schaub is the quarterback in Houston? And I did I mention that somehow, he ended up on my team? Anyhoo, Roy Williams (the receiver, not the DB) had 47 yards and a score while the Pats defense tallied four sacks and a pick against the Chiefs. But at least the Chiefs took down pretty boy Brady. And the Gophirs benefitted because Rob snapped up Matt Cassel before you could say, "Hey, didn't he go to USC?"

For Laurie, she got a strong performance from another former Trojan, Reggie Bush. The former Heisman winner (the first pro to win one, BTW) had 163 yards from scrimmage and a long touchdown catch. However, another Trojan let her down as Carson Palmer had only 94 yards passing and an interception. Meanwhile, Murphy's law of fantasy sports strikes again as Philip Rivers and Mark Clayton combined for 27 points on the pine. Starting Rivers over Palmer would've given Laurie the win.

According to Yahoo, Rob might be the ultimate fantasy geek in the Shark Tank. He has managed a whopping 133 teams. He plays in a lot of public leagues though and as we all know, managers in public leagues tend to be slightly more intelligent than your average primate at the zoo. So those trophies don't really count.

But he's only actually won first place in real league once. That was in basketball in 2006 where he emerged victorious in the big roundball version of the Shark Tank. So there's been a lot of pent up frustration over the years in Rob's fantasy life. I just read that Yahoo Fantasy Hockey signups begin today. Let's see how sharks handle the frozen water. Maybe the ice will freeze all of Rob's fantasy sports tears. And maybe the Cubs will actually win the World Series too.

Dan's Team (1-0) 72.12 - ESPN List knows best (0-1) 54.53

The ESPN list knows best in leagues set up for ESPN. But those league settings are different than ours. So, whaddya know? ESPN's list resulted in a Week 1 loss for gambling owner Andy as Dan got a well-rounded performance to secure the win.

Dan saw five players reach double figures led by former Cal great Marshawn Lynch who had 94 total yards and a score. Reggie Wayne and Nate Burleson each chipped in with touchdown receptions. Jake Delhomme picked up about five fantasy points in the last play of the game against the Chargers when he threw a touchdown pass as time expired. The Ravens D also did its usual thing - four points allowed, two sacks and two forced turnovers.

For Andy, all I can say is, "I can't freakin' believe Tony Romo fell to #24." Romo had 320 yards passing and a touchdown. Hines Ward may be the best old receiver this year as he had 76 yards and two touchdown catches. Not much else went right however for Andy though. It's only a matter of time before Andy starts accumulating 49ers players. His projected starting lineup for Week 13:

QB J.T. O'Sullivan (trade for Romo)
RB Frank Gore (trade for Jackson)
RB DeShaun Foster (and he went to UCLA, fight fight fight!)
WR Arnaz Battle (trade for Colston)
WR Isaac Bruce
WR Bryant Johnson
Flex Roger Craig (how come Yahoo hasn't added him yet)
TE Dwight Clark
K Ray Wersching
Defense 1988

So that wraps up Week 1. If the playoffs started today, well, that wouldn't be fair, would it?