Week 13
Once again, courtesy of Elijah (with a minor edit), your friendly neighborhood fantasy expert and legal representation. "Call us when you have a fantasy sports related injury. We can get you millions!"
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"The playoffs. I live for this." Yeah, I know that's MLB's slogan but now in the Shark Tank, we will see the difference between the Great Whites and Pygmy sharks. The playoffs are upon us. But first, a recap of an exciting Week 13 in the STFFL:
Grant Gophirs 87.30 - Fumblers 68.39
The Gophirs (11-2) wrapped up their second consecutive regular season title with a resounding win over the Fumblers (4-9). Coupled with the Flying Pigskins' victory, the loss ended the Fumbler's season. WR Chris Chambers and RB Priest Holmes each scored twice to offset another weak performance by QB Jake Plummer.
Fumblers coach Byron Jung was disappointed but proud of his team. "It's amazing how this team fought hard all year. And I haven't even had time to coach this team. I've been so busy speaking on Fridays in college, Sundays in service and this Friday in New Life that the players had to have coached themselves. And on the weekend of the game, I was too busy decorating the sanctuary. I guess my priorities are a little out of whack, but I seriously thought that the Phoenix Would Rise AgainTM. I must have upset the football gods--at least TMQ would have thought so."
Gophirs coach Rob Chinn warned his team against complacency. "I told my team, don't be celebrating yet. We were the #1 seed last year and we lost to one of the Len Brothers. Heck, I don't even remember which one. All I know is that we lost. I haven't watched a tape of the game but you can bet I'll be showing it on Saturday night to fire them up. This is a hungry team."
Speaking of hungry, the Gophirs celebrated their title not with the traditional champagne bath but with Fancy Feast, 9Lives, and some of that new Newman's Own Organic Cat Food. Injured TE Jeremy Shockey was upset. "Who the heck is this team thinking that they could serve us cat food? There ain't even CATNIP?? This is *&!$%#! White straight guys rule! Everything else stinks!" Special teams coach and team caterer Dax had no comment. However, Shockey was later seen in the trainer's room getting stiches for four long gashes on his leg and chewing on a rubber cat toy.
Flying Pigskins 59.60 - The Cough Drops, Presented by Ricola 55.72
Pigskins coach Kalvin Sid told the owners at the draft, "This will be the year - the year we exorcise the ghost of Amp LeeTM." The Pigskins needed a victory coupled with a loss by the Fumblers to make the playoffs. After Sunday's action, the Pigskins were 6.72 in arrears to the Drops needing a big performance by WR Justin McCareins on Monday night. Well, they got it. On the Pigskins opening drive, McCareins caught a 59-yard TD pass to give the Pigskins (5-8) the points they needed to defeat the Drops (7-6) and clinch the eighth and final playoff spot.
Coach Sid was elated. "We've been working really hard the last few weeks. I've tried to provide some motivation. I told them, if you lose, you have to run a marathon with me. That seemed to spur them on more than any stupid speech about winning one for the Gipper or whatever."
The Drops will be the 5th seed was not really hurt by the loss. "The only difference in the matchup with Kaboodle would have been home field advantage. But we're like the Jets and the Giants - we share the same homefield. So it didn't really matter. What is important is that we're going to stomp them next week. Normally I talk with [Kaboodle coach Laurie] Len everyday. But this week, I don't think we'll be sharing any conversations. We both play to win. No love lost there."
Sleepas 69.79 - Football Team 60.82
RB Marshall Faulk scored three times and QB Marc Bulger returned to form as the St. Louis Sleepas (6-7) secured the sixth seed in the Shark Tank playoffs. Football Team (9-4) didn't get anything from anyone not named Kitna but really had nothing to play for as they were locked in to the second seed.
Sleepas coach Aaron Len was hoping that their second straight victory will provide them some momentum for a deep playoff run. I like our chances with Faulk and Lewis running wild. We'll take our chances with anyone, especially Stews Crew. We'll kill them. Nah, just kidding. Well, nah, just kidding about that. Not that it's a guarantee or anything."
Football Team seems to be preoccupied with other things. "I just can't think about football right now," said Coach Liao. "The Red Sox got Curt Schilling and the Yankees just acquired Javier Vazquez. The Blue Jays are in the wrong division. They will probably have the third most wins in the American League next year and they still won't make the playoffs. This really stinks. Oh well, only 122 days until Opening Day. Maybe the Blue Jays can surprise next year. I mean, if the Marlins can win, and the Angels can win, and the Gophirs can win..."
Stews Crew 2 78.78 - liusers 54.11
The battle of the big men ended with Stews Crew (8-5) outmuscling the lovable liusers (3-10). The Crew notched their fourth straight win and the third seed in the playoffs. The loss ended the liusers disappointing season even though they scored the sixth most points of any team. The Crew again was paced by the consistent performances of QB Peyton Manning, RB Shaun Alexander, and K Jeff Wilkins. Manning threw four TD passes and WR Isaac Bruce and David Boston each hit paydirt.
Liusers coach Brent Liu was unhappy after the loss and the season but also diplomatic. "We had high expectations going into the season. But the whole draft was screwed up. I mean, I was drafting then all of a sudden, I had to go to the airport. The next thing I knew, I had a team that I didn't draft. It got straightened out but it was too late. Then Donovan McNabb had to suck until I traded him. That's just the way the season went. Nothing went right. But I'll be back next year with more GREAT PICKSTM."
Kitna Kaboodle 77.55 - Bleed Blue 61.24
The Kaboodle (7-6) finished the regular season on a high note by knocking off Bleed Blue (5-8). The Kaboodle only finished one game over .500 despite scoring the second most points in the league. Thus, they will be a dangerous fourth seed come playoff time. As usual, it was star RB Clinton Portis and TE Shannon Sharpe that paced the Kaboodle's balanced attack with contributions from consistent WR Hines Ward.
Blue will be the seventh seed and square off against Football Team in round one. But WR Eddie Kennison is still a tad steamed after being unceremoniously dropped by the Kaboodle Broncos two years ago. "That team is looking for an escape goat [sic] over there. When they lose, people need to held accountable. So what if I quit on my team? And next week, we're going to put them on their... posteriors."
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Now what you've all been waiting for: the sharktankfootball.blogspot.com 2003 playoff preview! The lines are for amusement only, of course. The Shark Tank Fantasy Football League does not advocate wagering on anything. Especially fantasy sports.
#1 Grant Gophirs (11-2, 951.52 points) vs. #8 Flying Pigskins (5-8, 705.23)
Two old adversaries and friends face off in the latest episode... it is the Packers vs. Bears of the fantasy football world. It will be difficult for the air-it-out Pigskins to defeat the RB corps of Ahman Green and Priest Holmes - the consensus #1 and #2 players in fantasy football. After an abysmal four week stretch in Weeks 6-9 when they scored a cumulative 132.39 points, the Pigskins have reinserted QB Daunte Culpepper and rookie K Aaron Elling into the mix with superior results. Nevertheless, they are a decided underdog against the Gophirs running machine. But bragging rights are on the line here and when ever Coach Sid and Coach Chinn square off, you can throw out the record books.
This season: Week 5, Grant Gophirs 74.92 - Flying Pigskins 62.50
Early line: Gophirs -18.75 over Flying Pigskins
#2 Football Team (9-4, 868.89) vs. #7 Bleed Blue (5-8, 753.49)
It's a battle of the lawyers as Football Team will try to defeat Blue for the third time this season. Football Team has been the beneficiary of close wins and catching opponents on weeks when they have not played their best. Blue, with vets Donovan McNabb and Edgerrin James recently paroled from the injured list, will try to put a restraining order on the aerial torts from Jon Kitna, Torry Holt, Santana Moss, and Jimmy Smith. No one will be objecting to this matchup but the jury is still out on whether Football Team has the horses to go all the way. The Football Team, after losses in Weeks 3 and 4 totalling 73.02 points, ripped off six straight wins en route to a second place finish and presents a compelling case for advancing in the playoffs. The closing argument may be that they are too receiver dependent--teams need to be able to run to win in the playoffs. Or something like that. Meanwhile, Bleed Blue had four straight 70-point weeks prior to last week's last second defeat to the Pigskins. It should be very close and there will be no appeals.
This season:
Week 1, Football Team 72.28, Bleed Blue 31.81
Week 10, Football Team 77.87, Bleed Blue 71.96
The Verdict: Football Team -7.53 over Bleed Blue
#3 Stews Crew 2 (8-5, 893.23) vs. #6 Sleepas (6-7, 806.41)
It will be size versus speed in this matchup between two teams on winning streaks. The Crew is arguably the hottest team in the STFFL with a team of consistent performers and the surprise of rookie WR Anquan Boldin. The Sleepas hope that the combination of Marc Bulger and Marshall Faulk will propel them to their third straight win. The Crew have averaged 77.97 points the last four weeks. The Sleepas have only exceeded that total twice all season and not since Week 3. This could be a disaster for the Sleepas but that's why they play the games.
This season:
Week 2, Sleepas 81.87, Stews Crew 2 59.21
Week 11, Stews Crew 2 58.97, Sleepas 50.90
Early line:
Stews Crew -15.35 over Sleepas
#4 Kitna Kaboodle (7-6, 911.35) vs. #5 The Cough Drops, presented by Ricola (7-6, 735.74)
The marquee matchup of the first round features two 7-6 teams. But how they got there is different. The Kaboodle have been a Jekyll & Hyde team with big wins or big losses. However, in weeks where the Kaboodle is healthy and has her full compliment of players, they can be explosive as demonstrated by the Week 1 117.09 point outburst. But they have been inconsistent since Week 7. Meanwhile, the Cough Drops have struggled to find their rhythm as they have exceeded 62 points only twice all season. But they have managed to play great defense keeping opponents under 60 points nine times this season and under 50 points five times. Someone will be sleeping on the couch come next Tuesday. Actually, I suppose the same person will be sleeping on the couch regardless of the result.
This season: Week 5, Kitna Kaboodle 59.87 - The Cough Drops 46.27
Early line: Kitna Kaboodle -12.14 over The Cough Drops
