2009 Shark Tank Football - Week 3

Well, the Shark Tank is again beset by controversy. There are reports that the commissioner is guilty of a significant malfeasance and punishment and/or impeachment is being sought. However, no one really wants to be commissioner anyway so I guess he'll just be able to continue oppressing the masses with his inequitable policies and actions.

I present to you the standings after Week 3's action:

Rk  Team                  W-L   Total   Avg(Rk) Strk
 1  Coming off the Bench  3-0  236.74  78.91 (6) W2
 2  FortuneCookieXpress   3-0  224.03  74.68 (8) W2
 3  Brown Town Blues      2-1  271.93  90.64 (1) L1
 4  Ophir Gophirs         2-1  258.21  86.07 (2) L1
 5  Blue                  2-1  247.08  82.36 (4) W2
 6  This Team Stinks      2-1  244.23  81.41 (5) W1
 7  Ram Tuff              2-1  183.56  61.19(13) W2
 8  The Jungernaut        1-2  248.35  82.78 (3) W1
 9  Laurie's Team         1-2  224.59  74.86 (7) L2
10  SBXLIII Hangover      1-2  209.96  69.99 (9) L1
11  Cambridge Gooners FC  1-2  203.88  67.96(10) L2
12  OK I Was Wrong        1-2  191.47  63.82(12) W1
13  Dan's Team            0-3  200.16  66.72(11) L3
14  Flying pigskins       0-3  178.66  59.55(14) L2

Ram Tuff (2-1) 62.46*
SB XLIV nonqualifiers (1-2) 43.80

It's never good when the #6, #10 and #38 picks all start and combine for one touch and four total yards. As for the latest in Rookiegate, Aaron thought Justin Forsett was a rookie. No, he's just the running back who was the meat in the Marshawn Lynch / Jahvid Best sandwich at Cal. Aaron gets off with a warning this time since the error didn't factor in the outcome. I mean, unless he started a guy that threw five picks and fumbled three times. Wait, is Dave Krieg available?

Here's my penalty proposal. Insert whatever available player had the poorest net fantasy week regardless of position or rookie status. Net meaning the greatest point differential by position. So I see Derek Anderson had -2.93 fantasy points for week 3 and Aaron's QB Jason Campbell had 19.73. So if we put Anderson in for Campbell, Aaron's total is reduced by 22.66 points. And the final score becomes:

SBXLIII Hangover (2-1) 43.80 - Ram Tuff (1-2) 39.80

What do y'all think about that?

Brent's Team Will Be 1-12 (1-2) 80.50
Brown Town Blues (2-1) 70.96

Brent got lots of points from current and former Broncos. It's like Bing was hit with The Drive Part 2. Or would it be Part 3? How many times have the Browns been burned by the Broncos? Earnest Byner. There I said it. By the way, have you seen Denver's defense these days? Imagine how good they'd be if they only had a good young quarterback.

Coming off the Bench (3-0) 92.80
Flying pigskins (0-3) 62.50

Kalvin, a new father, was no match for Matt who has been raising two children for several years now. If success in this league were based on how many children each owner had, let's just hope Kurt Warner never joins us. Or Shawn Kemp.

Blue (2-1) 86.90
Dan's Team (0-3) 60.27

See, three kids beats two kids! Umm… I mean, the father of three kids defeats the father of two kids. Apparently Kurt Warner's prolificacy in fatherhood or fantasy stats is not being passed down to his owners.

FortuneCookieXpress (3-0) 63.66
Cambridge Gooners FC (1-2) 48.85

The sign of the good team is winning when you don't have your A-game like Perry's team. Why is that a positive sign? Because in fantasy football, when that happens, it just means you're stinkin' lucky. Unlike…

The Jungernaut (1-2) 116.03
Ophir Gophirs (2-1) 102.71

… Rob. When Rob had 90 points after the morning games, I thought it was over. Tashard Choice was an inspired pickup. Speaking of pickups, since we should always evaluate trades, be it in real life or fantasy, based on short term performance, here we go:

Week 3 toteboard: Mark Sanchez + Owen Daniels = 24.88 points. Brian Westbrook = 0.00. Dave, that was a crappy trade. How could you let Byron take advantage of you like that?

This Team Stinks (2-1) 85.30
Laurie's Team (1-2) 74.12

Elijah's team has scored 79, 79 and 85 points. That means if your team scores 138 points against him, you will win every single time.

Stat of the Week! Rookie Points after Week 3

Rk  Team                    Total    Avg    Lg/PtRk
 1  Coming off the Bench    28.41    9.47   1 / 6
 2  Dan's Team              19.74    6.58  13 / 11
 3  Flying pigskins         19.00    6.33  14 / 14
 4  This Team Stinks        18.34    6.11   6 / 5
 5  The Jungernaut          16.37    5.46   8 / 3
 6  Laurie's Team           15.20    5.07   9 / 7
 7  SBXLIII Hangover        12.00    4.00  10 / 9
 8  FortuneCookieXpress     11.07    3.69   2 / 8
 9  Cambridge Gooners FC     2.93    0.98  11 / 10
10  Ophir Gophirs            2.73    0.91   4 / 2
11  OK I Was Wrong           1.80    0.60  12 / 12
12  Brown Town Blues         1.20    0.40   3 / 1
13  Ram Tuff                 0.87    0.29   7 / 13
14  Blue                     0.00    0.00   5 / 4
Do with this information as you wish.

Shark Tank Football 2009 - Week 2

Okay, the recaps are back. But instead of the 5,000 word essays of the past, I'm going to do quickies. First, the standings after Week 2:

Rk  Team                   W-L   Total    Avg   Strk
 1  Brown Town Blues       2-0  200.97  100.49   W2
 2  FortuneCookieXpress    2-0  159.37   79.69   W2
 3  Ophir Gophirs          2-0  155.50   77.75   W2
 4  Coming off the Bench   2-0  143.94   71.97   W2
 5  Reed Can't Kick a FG   1-1  166.16   83.08   W1
 6  Blue                   1-1  160.18   80.09   W1
 7  This Team Stinks       1-1  158.93   79.47   L1
 8  Cambridge Gooners FC   1-1  155.03   77.51   L1
 9  Laurie's Team          1-1  150.47   75.23   L1
10  Ram Tuff               1-1  121.10   60.55   W1
11  Dan's Team             0-2  139.89   69.95   L2
12  The Jungernaut         0-2  132.32   66.16   L2
13  Flying pigskins        0-2  116.16   58.08   L2
14  IHateThisTeam          0-2  110.90   55.95   L2

Brown Town Blues (2-0) 138.12 - This Team Stinks (1-1) 79.06

It's never a good thing when one checks his phone after the closing song of service, 35 minutes into the games, and sees that one's opponent has already scored 60 points. Bing's performance makes up for his real-life Browns playing like the color of the object most associated with them. Yes, I was thinking of creamed coffee too.

Ram Tuff (1-1) 75.26 - Laurie's Team (1-1) 65.37

Aaron had three guys total ONE YARD of offense. This is what happens when you come to church on time instead of waiting at home checking for late scratches. Just bring the laptop to the nursery or sanctuary next time. It'll save you the headache afterwards. Just put a little more in the offering plate if you're feeling guilty.

The Steelers Are Overrated (1-1) 93.06 - Cambridge Gooners FC (1-1) 83.33

The Gooners' decided to have Marques Colston and Calvin Johnson trip over the grass as part of their game plan. By habit, they looked at the side judge and claimed pass interference. The referee gave them each a yellow card and a two-match ban instead. Andy, in a creepy French accent, defended his players anyway as they were both coming off of injuries from two years ago and he claimed they tripped to protect themselves.

Blue (1-1) 83.02 - Brent's Great Picks (0-2) 52.60

You know, there are times where we are only being self-deprecating and rip our team though it's really better than we say. But Brent's team really is that bad.

Coming off the Bench (2-0) 76.44 - Dan's Team (0-2) 71.10

Matt is 2-0. Wait, let me repeat that: Matt is 2-0. He may make the playoffs. But fortunately, it's a 13-game regular season so there's still hope for Matt yet.

Ophir Gophirs (2-0) 82.84 - Flying pigskins (0-2) 59.13

Math time! What is a fantasy team owner's winning percentage the week after having his first child and passing the Certified Financial Planner exam? 0.0%.

FortuneCookieXpress (2-0) 69.30 - The Jungernaut (0-2) 62.56

Drew Brees is now only on pace for 72 TD passes. If he throws that many, Perry could start Plaxico Burress, Donte' Stallworth, Marshawn Lynch, and Matt Jones and still win the league. Meanwhile, Byron may have more success if he starts picking his opponent to win games.