Shark Tank Bowl III

The 2005 Shark Tank Season (I refuse to call it "Back of the Pack" - I move to reinstate the old name for 2006) has come to an end and there's is a new champion. Congratulations to Andy Cheng... err... Jing for his unlikely victory. Despite being the 7th seed, he has shown that, indeed, skill may be how teams qualify for the playoffs but luck and good fortune win it. That being said, a toast to Andy for securing the final pick next year's draft - the formula that helped him to victory this season.

Here are the final recaps with final assessments from the coaches.

7th Place Game (aka a team trying to avoid losing three in a row):
This Team Stinks 88.70 - Brent's Team (NA) 70.97

After Brent's bellyaching at the beginning of the year about how his team was the stinkiest team in the league... well, I guess he was right... at least in terms of the eight postseason participants. But give Brent credit for being active and opportunistic in guiding his team to six straight wins and a second place regular season finish. Eh... but take that credit away for three consecutive playoff defeats, hehe. I mean, it's the playoffs that count, right?

This Team Stinks got another record-setting performance from Shaun Alexander who scored three times to tie an NFL record with 27 touchdowns on the season. Steven Jackson found the endzone for the first time in several weeks and Todd Heap caught his career-high seventh touchdown pass. Meanwhile for Brent's Team, former Cal great Kyle Boller had his second consecutive three-touchdown pass game and Ricky Williams had his best day since his return. Brent's Team wideout and This Team Stinks turncoat Lee Evans had 107 yards and a score but his former team still prevailed.

Liu, as always, was gracious in defeat. "It was an honor for me to palm the name of 'This Team Stinks' even for a week or two. But it was clear that the moniker should only be reserved for the truly stinkiest team. And while my team may have stunk more this week, three bad weeks does not a bad team make. It's a name based on consistency and Elijah's team has earned the right to use that name in perpetuity. It's like a lifetime achievement award."

Liao was asked about a future ESPY-type award for consistency in futility. "From my baseball team's choke to a consistent middle to lower tier finish in football to my abrupt retirement from basketball, I think that I have earned the right to keep my team name. While fans of the Clippers, Arizona Cardinals and UCLA football have petitioned for the right to that title, I feel that it's an honor I have earned and have deserved for a long time. In fact, I got a call from the President today and certainly, he knows what I'm going through. He told me, 'E, you're doing a heck of a job.' That has to be a good sign. Today's victory doesn't cast a shadow over my lifetime achievements in fantasy sports."

5th Place Game (aka the game that means less than nothing):
The Jungernaut 69.38 - Ram Tuff 42.87

Despite a middling point total, the Jungernaut got big games from Thomas Jones and the Pittsbugh defense to annihilate Ram Tuff to secure 5th place. Ram Tuff received solid performances from quarterback Matt Hasselbeck and kicker and 'Bow alum Jason Elam, but could not overcome Ronnie Brown's injury, Steve Smith's ejection and everyone else's general suckitude.

"Woohoo! Fifth place! It was destiny," said Jungernaut head coach Byron Jung. "My first child is due on May 1st. So it's appropriate that I finish fifth. Get it? May? Fifth place? HAHAHA!"

Ram Tuff coach Aaron Len lamented his team's end-of-season struggles but as always, remained optimistic. "Doesn't matter, my focus has long turned to fantasy basketball. (Ed. note - I'd update the BB standings but since I'm not in the league, I have no idea where everyone stands. I just wish I drafted Chris Bosh this year.) Doesn't matter! In 2006, I will renew my quest to achieve my goal in fantasy football!" When pressed on how he plans to win next year, Len said, "Win??? Nah, that's my secondary goal! Winning doesn't matter unless I have a Hawaii alum on my team! Otherwise, it's like winning with mercenaries. Stinkin' mercenaries."

Bronze Medal Game (aka the game for those that came oh so close):
All Aboard! 106.97 - Flyin' Pigskins 82.30

All Aboard! rebounded from a disappointing semifinal defeat to his archnemesis in Diablo and fantasy football to secure third place with a convincing victory over the gassed Pigskins.

LaDainian Tomlinson faded down the stretch which cost his team last week but Larry Johnson, Carnell "Cadillac" Williams and his defense picked up the slack. "I'm still disappointed," said All Aboard! skipper Dan Len. "If I had only chosen Shaun Alexander, it would be me sipping champagne. And what's my reward for next year? A first-round pick who's an elite player and will probably play on a winning team that clinches a playoff spot and rests during my playoff run. Next year, Laurie is going to draft my team and I'm going to stay home and babysit."

The Pigskins got a monster effort from Santana Moss and a bag of goodies from Santa Claus-wannabe Chad Johnson. But unfortunately, neither the rest of the team nor the team's reindeer didn't show up. "Well, Chad assured me that we were going to have a reindeer this weekend," said coach Kalvin Sid. "But all they got me was reindeer jerky! I mean, that stuff tastes okay - a little gamey - but I was expecting some gazelle for a third wide receiver and all I got was some Oberto ripoff jerky. Hmmm... actually, I guess it's an acquired taste. It's not bad! Hey - I've finished off Blitzen - can you pass me the package labeled 'Red-hot red-nosed Rudolph flavor?'"

Shark Tank Bowl III:
Cambridge Gooners FC 106.97 - Ophir Gophirs 82.30

Despite not being at the draft and using the dreaded "list," FC Cambridge turned an improbable seventh place finish into his first Shark Tank Football title. Behind the arm of Josh McCown, the leg of Neil Rackers and the decisive touchdown runs of Corey Dillon on Monday night, Gooners convincingly knocked off top-seeded Ophir to take the coveted title.

Coach Jing was asked to compare the Red Sox 2004 championship with this title here. "It's no comparison, really," he said. "I mean, this is my first year in this league but I waited a whole 86 years for the Red Sox to win so that was much sweeter. This is a toast to the greatest Gooners FC team EVER!" When reminded that he wasn't close to 86 years old, Jing responded, "Hey, those nine or ten years I've been a Sox fan felt like 86." (Ed. note - wait until next baseball season, hehe.)

Ophir Coach Robert Chinn was diplomatic in defeat. Well, sort of. "The better team won the title. I mean, they really played well and we were outplayed and... oh, who the heck are we kidding. The better team LOST. They are so NOT the better team. But that's okay, there's still Week 17. We'll do better next week. What? The season's over?? But there's still one more week of football! I can still win! I want the season reopened right now! Get those players back in here! Turn those machines back on! Turn those machines back oooooooooonnnnnnnnn!"

Here are the list of Shark Tank Bowl champions since we went to a head-to-head format for the 2003 season:

2005 Andy
2004 Brent
2003 Willie

As for 1999-2002, I don't remember. I know I won one year and Laurie won in another. And I think Aaron won in '99. Whatever, you guys can e-mail me and I'll be sure to engrave all of the past champions on the official Shark Tank Cup which will reside at Windemere for 2006. Unfortunately, since Brent took the trophy to every pickup basketball game he played in in 2005 and also because Deric accidentally thought it was a giant dustbin, the Cup is being reconditioned. Since everything is cheaper here in China, I asked a shop down the street to do the work but as things tend to be here, it's been awhile and I don't know when I'll get it back. I'm sorry Andy - I promise I'll work on it.

So pending any defections (i.e., new dads overwhelmed by paternal responsibility) or additions, here's the draft order for 2006. Matt Lee: you are now on the clock.

1. Matt
2. Stewart
3. Laurie
4. Willie
5. Brent
6. Elijah
7. Aaron
8. Byron
9. Kal
10. Dan
11. Rob
12. Andy

That concludes the 2005 fantasy football season. Please pick up your commemorative Cambridge Gooners FC championship T-shirts at the door as you exit the stadium. Thank you for attending and please drive home safely.

The Return of the Shark Tank ... err... Back of the Pack - Playoffs Week 1

Yes indeed, Christmas time is here again. And so the recaps make a triumphant return and your writer is in a salty mood after getting waxed in the first round. I thought the songs would be a good idea but they kinda suck but I don't feel like changing them. Oh well. Whatever. And I'll never actually be able to read this online because this country's cybernanny won't let me access the site. So there.

*****

All Aboard! 98.97, This Team Stinks 66.37

The bottom two from 2004 did battle and despite a heroic effort by Michael Vick on Monday night, All Aboard rolled over This Team Stinks to move into the semifinals. Despite a rare poor outing from LaDainian Tomlinson, Larry Johnson found the end zone three times while rookie sensation Carnell "Cadillac" Williams hit paydirt twice. Antonio Gates and Roy Williams added touchdown catches to make up from a lackluster performance from quarterback Brad Johnson. Wait, Brad Johnson is still in the league? He's with the Vikings and he's winning? What is this, 1995?

Vick rushed for two scores and threw for a third but This Team Stinks made some questionable roster decisions. Who knew that rookie kicker Mike Nugent would kick four field goals? Oh wait, that's right, they played the Raiders. Hey, how's that Randy Moss acquisition working out? Shawn Alexander now has 23 TD runs this year to be the top player in fantasy. Too bad Mike Martz got sick and Steven Jackson lost carries. At least he scored 30 for the Pacers the other night. Too bad that doesn't count in football. I still wouldn't have won.

TTS coach Elijah Liao gave an interview from China. "I think Governor Schwarzenegger should stay Tookie Williams' execution and execute everyone on my team except for Alexander and Vick. Well, you know, we're on the one step per year rebuilding plan. We didn't even get to the playoffs last year and this year we got to the first round. We're like the Clippers."

All Aboard coach Dan Len basked in his team's victory. "We had the best team all season and we are going to put those firehoses down those stupid Gophir holes. Just like we did on the playground when we were kids. We're gonna flush them out and drown 'em." They also sang this as a victory song:

(To the tune of "O Come All Ye Faithful")

O Come, All ye Aboard!
Victorious and triumphant
O come ye, o come ye to Round Two
All Aboard rolled 'em
And the people shouted:

O come and all aboard 'em
O come and all aboard 'em
O come and all aboard 'em
Iced Hines Ward!

Sing, choirs of Williams
Sing, choirs of Johnsons
O sing as Carnell and Roy and Larry scored six
Though LT was quiet
Stinks was pathetic

O come and all aboard 'em
O come and all aboard 'em
O come and all aboard 'em
Iced Hines Ward!

Yea, Ophir we meet thee in the semifinals
O Gophirs, to thee be all trash spoken
Watch out #1 seed as your doom is nearing

O come and all aboard 'em
O come and all aboard 'em
O come and all aboard 'em
Iced Hines Ward!

*****

Cambridge Gooners FC 85.04 - Brent's Team (P) 82.89

FC Cambridge put together a solid performance and withheld a fierce rally by Todd Peterson's leg to advance to the second round of the playoffs and snap Brent's Team's six-game winning streak. Jimmy Smith, Clinton Portis and Corey Dillon all scored to pace FC Cambridge. Brent's Team was done in by Willis McGahee's ineffectiveness after getting conked in the first quarter. Not that he's done a whole lot this year.

Cambridge manager Andy Jing was ebullient in victory. "This was a fantastic effort from our club. We've faced our share of adversity this year but I thought we played a complete 90 minutes and controlled possession. We won a lot of the 50-50 balls and our strikers were tremendous. But it was the midfielders in Dillon and Portis that controlled the tempo of the game. They showed beautiful touch as it was only a matter of time before they got their just reward. We almost surrendered the equalizer on Monday evening but when Brent's Team lost McGahee and played a man down, we knew we had to take care of business. What? This was American football? What the bloody... I must have come to the wrong pitch."

Brent's Team was by far the most active this season with 44 player transactions. When asked whether his day trading ways have come to an end, Brent Liu said, "No way! I'm just gonna keep picking up guys and dropping guys for the heck of it. Besides, there's still 5th place to be won! Besides, I have to add and drop Darrell Jackson about three more times just for fun."

While Liverpool FC has "You'll Never Walk Alone" as its club anthem, Gooners supporters could be seen downing Carlsbergs and Guinnesses and heard singing this little ditty outside the pubs in Cambridge:

(To the tune of "O Christmas Tree")

Cambridge FC, Cambridge FC
Thy victory is so glorious
Cambridge FC, Cambridge FC
Thy victory is so glorious
Not only wins early in the fall
But triumphs through the winter squall
Cambridge FC, Cambridge FC
Thy victory is so glorious

Cambridge FC, Cambridge FC
Much pleasure thou hast brought me
Cambridge FC, Cambridge FC
Much pleasure thou hast brought me
We knew that Joey Galloway
Would score so much for Tampa Bay
Cambridge FC, Cambridge FC
Much pleasure thou hast brought me

Cambridge FC, Cambridge FC
Thy future shines so brightly
Cambridge FC, Cambridge FC
Thy future shines so brightly
The Pigskins' future looks so bleak
As they will succumb to us next week
Cambridge FC, Cambridge FC
Thy future shines so brightly

*****

Flyin' Pigskins 62.70 - Ram Tuff 53.46

In a matchup of a couple of uninspiring playoff debuts, it was Ram Tuff that looked worse as they bow out of the playoffs at the hands of the Flyin' Pigskins. Coach Kalvin Sid advances to the semifinals to face Andy Jing's Cambridge Gooners FC.

Sid received 324 yards passing and two touchdowns from Peyton Manning and four field goals courtesy of Jay Feely while the defense put together another staunch effort. "Reverse psychology worked on my team this year. I keep telling them to win and they lose at the right time. That losing streak in the middle of the season was on purpose. Now we're focused and gunning for the title."

Aaron Len couldn't believe his squad's abysmal playoff performance. "Randy Moss was terrible. Even Jason Elam couldn't carry my team. Next year, we'll have to get Ashley Lelie and Timmy Chang to increase my chances of victory!"

The entire state of Hawaii has rallied behind Ram Tuff and has urged Schwarzenegger to stay their execution too. "Look at their team - Randy Moss has been a good boy this year. Jamal Lewis hasn't gone to jail either. The team deserves clemency, ya?" said legendary Hawaiian crooner Don Ho. "I know wherever he is, Bradda IZ Kamakawiwo'ole has thrown his ukelele in anger at what has happened. Come on, Arnold, bradda! It's just not fair, ya?"

Meanwhile, Pigskins fans have been waiting a long time for a championship. They are only two steps away. In 2004, it was the Boston Red Sox. In 2005, the Chicago White Sox. Could the Pigskins do the unthinkable?? Their fans are getting a bit arrogant. They penned this song in tribute to next week's opponent, the Cambridge Gooners FC:

(To the tune of "The Christmas Song")

Gooners roasting on an open fire
Santana catching touchdown throws
As Chad Johnson smiles and admires
Yet another celebratory pose

Everybody knows that Peyton and his golden arm
Makes the Pigskins' season bright
Cambridge FC should be alarmed
That the Pigskins will turn off their light

They know that Manning is on his way
To deliver lots of touchdowns every day
And every Gooners' child is going to cry
After the Pigskins hang them out to dry

And so I'm offering this simple phrase
To Gooners and all of their booze
Although it's been said, many times, many ways
You suck and you will lose

*****

Ophir Gophirs 82.99 - The Jungernaut 60.66

After years of playoff ineptitude by #1 seeds, the Gophirs soundly defeated the Jungernaut in their first round tilt. The Gophirs will square off against All Aboard! in the second round.

Chris Chambers is arguably the hottest receiver in the league as he hauled eight catches for 121 yards and two more touchdowns. Rudi Johnson took care of the ground assault as he ran for 169 yards and a score. Rookie Mark Clayton made his first career touchdown catch at a most opportune time for Ophir. They won despite a negative performance from quarterback Mark Brunell. "This team is built for the playoffs," Gophirs skipper Rob Chinn said after his team's victory. We may have sleepwalked through the regular season but now we're ready to show our supremacy. We're like the Lakers of the early part of the decade. We only care about the playoffs."

Jungernaut head coach Byron Jung was still in good spirits despite the loss. "Every year we have a competitive team that just gets unlucky in the playoffs. But hey, I'm busy. I'm gonna have a kid soon. I don't got no time for stinkin fantasy football." Tiki Barber put forth another good effort for the Jungernaut but they will face This Team Stinks in the consolation round. Who are we kidding? Who the heck cares about the consolation round? They should call it the LOSERS bracket.

So along the streets of Torrance, three children residing on Grant Avenue could be heard singing this song as they go off to sleep:

(To the tune of "Little Drummer Boy")

Hail the mighty Ophir
Pa rum pum pum pum
They will kick All Aboard's rear
Pa rum pum pum pum
Their finest games they'll play
Pa rum pum pum pum
We're going all the way
Pa rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum
Football champions
Pa rum pum pum pum
We'll become

We have no good QB
Pa rum pum pum pum
But we have Chris and Torry
Pa rum pum pum pum
We'll pass and kick and run
Pa rum pum pum pum
And give to Johnson
Pa rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum
Our defense will beat them
Pa rum pum pum pum
Like a drum

Tyus nodded
Pa rum pum pum pum
Dax and Scooter kept time
Pa rum pum pum pum
Rob made all the great picks
Pa rum pum pum pum
As their team goes for six
Pa rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum
Aboard will crater like crumbs
Pa rum pum pum pum
And succumb