2008 Shark Tank Football - Week 4

So I have made a decision. And I'm being serious. I no longer want my fantasy team. So if any of you know anyone else that would be interested on a half decent 4-0 team, let me know and they can take the reins.

My main reason is that I can't stand the fact that I spend all day Sunday thinking about my team. I know some of you have suggested to me, "Just don't think about it or spend too much time on it." But I can't. Either I take this somewhat seriously (or at spend a minmal amount of effort) on my team or I spend none. There's no middle ground. There was a reason that I quit fantasy football and it was because I just didn't enjoy it. Now I know why. I don't like sitting listening to a message while thinking about how many yards Jay Cutler has thrown or how many passes the Tennessee defense has intercepted this week. I miss being able to watch and enjoy NFL games for what they are.

You may wonder, "How come you don't feel this way about baseball?" Because baseball is every day for six months. You make one boneheaded substitution one day and it's unlikely to hurt you at the end of the season. But in football, everything is so important each week and it gets even more so once the playoffs start. I don't like dealing with it. I don't want to be that competitive of a person. This is why I take up running because there isn't really any sort of competition. It's fun and I don't have to worry about wins, losses or even my times so long as I finish.

Plus, I don't even feel like this is my team. I didn't attend the draft and I used a list. I've made some minor decisions along the way but nothing screams that I have ownership of this team.

Being 4-0 makes it easier because at least you guys know that I'm not doing it because my team stinks even though I just blew my #1 waiver wire position on Rashard Mendenhall. Maybe the team does stink and is ostensibly good because I've gotten lucky in that my opponents happened to have their worst weeks of the season when I've played them. But I talked to Dave about this on Sunday afternoon and I told him my intentions so this isn't some abrupt reaction but it's something that I've thought about the last couple of weeks.

So here's the deal: if you guys know anyone that (a) doesn't have a team in our league and (b) doesn't mind managing my team, I'm going to bow out. This means I won't trade teams with anyone in our league nor will I allow another owner in our league to manage this team. This is for integrity's sake not that I think any of you will actually use it to your advantage. I'll continue contributing the odd blog entry so long as I still have a team but as soon as another owner is found (and I'll be looking too), I'm totally out.

In the meantime, here are the standings after Week 4 (they're going to look cutoff in IE but okay in Firefox):

Rk  Team                   W-L   Total   Avg  OpAvg Strk
 1  Baba Buddha            4-0  342.26  85.57  68.09  W4
 2  This Team Stinks       4-0  324.55  81.14  67.12  W4
 3  Under new ownership    3-1  347.55  86.89  64.25  W1
 4  dan's team             3-1  287.05  71.76  67.34  L1
 5  Hana Buttah            2-2  295.51  73.88  67.44  W1
 6  Make it work           2-2  278.40  69.60  75.82  L1
 7  Brown Town Blues       2-2  277.30  69.30  79.59  W2
 8  Ophir Gophirs          2-2  231.26  57.82  72.80  L2
 9  Average Joes           1-3  305.80  76.45  71.44  L1
10  Flying pigskins        1-3  282.32  70.58  75.23  L2
11  ESPN List knows best   1-3  260.13  65.03  72.43  W1
12  Laurie's Team          1-3  247.26  61.82  63.99  L1
13  Blue                   1-3  245.46  61.37  65.25  W1
14  The JUNGERNAUT         1-3  241.18  60.30  80.70  L2

I put in opponent's average to give an idea who's played an easier or tougher schedule. This is the total points of the opponents scored in all their games; not points against totaled based upon the head-to-head. So Byron's played by far the toughest schedule so far. Obviously as the season gets longer, all the numbers in that column will converge but it's a good way to see who may really be better or worse than their actual record.

Brent may go undefeated. Good for him. He spends more time on this league than the rest of us combined - he ought to win. It would be pitiful if he didn't. Meanwhile, the nation enjoyed the political process at its best. People sharing ideas on the national stage and imploring others to see things their way. Too bad I'm talking about the economic bailout passage that failed to pass and not the presidential debate.

I don't know about you guys but I always look forward to the VP debate more so than the presidential debate. The most memorable lines of our lifetime have come from the VP debates. Lloyd Bentsen's screed against Dan Quayle and Admiral James Stockdale's famous opening line come to mind. The only thing I can remember from the Bush/Kerry debates was whether Bush was getting lines fed to him because he was wearing an earphone.

But thankfully, Senators Obama and McCain took time after the Friday debate to meet with your humble correspondent to debate the goings on in our little football league. I asked Jim Lehrer to see if he would moderate but he didn't know what a football nor what a fantasy was.

Baba Buddha (4-0) 84.97 - The JUNGERNAUT (1-3) 47.72

Greg Jennings value goes down a lot if Matt Flynn becomes the Packers quarterback. But until then, he's not bad. Jennings had six catches for 109 yards and two long touchdowns and David Garrard went 23-32 for 236 yards and a touchdown while also running for 41 yards and a score as the Buddhists remain unbeaten and sending the JUNGERNAUT to the Shark Tank sea bottom.

When one of your players accounts for over half of your point total and is not Ronnie Brown from Week 3, you're probably going to lose. Larry Johnson had his second straight strong performance and is validating his high draft status. This week, he had 28 carries for 198 yards and two touchdowns. He has already matched his touchdown total from 2007. Unfortunately for Byron, Brian Griese threw three picks, rookie Eddie Royal had a key fumble deep in enemy territory and the Arizona defense allowed 50 points. Not so good.

The first question I asked was whether Brent's being undefeated is bad for the league and whether he is like one of the fat cat CEOs of failed banks that are getting wealthy at the expense of the league's little guy. Let's start with the junior senator from Illinois.

OBAMA: I am here to fight for the middle class. In my fantasy football plan, 95% of league owners will not see a roster cut. Yes, my plan does tax the top 10% and Brent would be included in that but he is a character of the abuse of the free agent system. He plays with football players as if they were fungible objects and fails to treat them as if they are humans. It is these types of abuses that we need to curb.

McCAIN: That all sounds good but if you look at Senator Obama's record, you will see that he really wants roster cuts for anyone with an over .500 record.

OBAMA: That's not true, John. That's not true.

McCAIN: Yes, it is and you can look it up. Look, we know the system is broken. Maybe we need to limit the number of transactions. Perhaps we need to put a salary cap on the league because there is excessive spending. It's one thing for Senator Obama to make cuts but he also wants to spend more. I'm telling you that under my plan, transactions and salaries will be limited so we don't have anymore fantasy football waste.

[Applause from the audience.]

ESPN List knows best (1-3) 82.97 - Flying pigskins (1-3) 76.16

What is going on? Disappointing high running back draft picks that play on teams in Missouri are starting to live up to expectations? Here, it was Stephen Jackson who had his first big game of the year. Jackson ran 24 times for 110 yards and a touchdown and had five receptions for 78 more yards as Andy's team breaks his duck.

Tony Romo threw for exactly 300 yards and three scores while waiver wire pickup Matt Jones caught his first touchdown pass of the season. Tim Hightower continues to vulture short touchdown runs for the Cardinals as he scored for the third time in four outings.

For Kalvin, it's back to the drawing board as the 'Skins lose their second in a row. Rookie DeSean Jackson continued to impress as he had 106 total yards and a score. #2 overall pick Adrian Peterson ran for 80 yards and two scores and another rookie, Jonathan Stewart, ran for yet another touchdown. But because of poor performances from Chris Cooley (28 yards) and Mason Crosby (3 PATs), the 'Skins drop to 1-3.

The next topic I wanted to ask about is the notion of using lists in fantasy drafts. I'll start with Senator McCain. Do you think that owners should be able to coast along, shirking their draft responsibilities and be permitted to use a list. And in Andy's case, not even his own list?

McCAIN: There is a shortage of accountability in this country. When things go wrong, we tend to look elsewhere for fault. It's true in this financial crisis and it's true in Iraq. Sure, mistakes may have been made. But as president or even a fantasy football commissioner, I assure fantasy footballers everywhere that the bucks stops here.

ME: Umm... where is "here"?

McCAIN: Well, owners have to take responsibility. If a team like Andy's team is 1-3, it's his fault. He can't blame the list. Others that don't appear at the draft often curse the list. But that's each owner's fault.

OBAMA: Again, we have a difference of opinion here. Innocent people are being hurt by this list crisis. Not everyone can take time off work or parental responsibility to simply show up at a frivolous draft. People are innocent victims of poorly constructed lists by so-called experts. We ended up in an economic crisis because we trusted that banks would make sound loans and investments and we got burned and look who's paying the price. In the same way, we need to help these owners that have been duped by bad lists and under my leadership, innocent owners will receive benefits such as extra roster spots or bonus fantasy points while those that took advantage of owners will be punished.

McCAIN: The fact that Senator Obama calls fantasy drafts frivolous just shows how out of touch this elitist from Chicago is. He calls himself a man of the people and yet he doesn't even recognize the importance of fantasy football to this economy. Does he know how much money is gambled on NFL and fantasy football? That millions of Americans only watch football for fantasy purposes? Who are we to say that that is frivolous?

OBAMA: It is frivolous. But the truth is that we still have to help innocent victims. Those that get duped by a list should be given 5 points for each bad pick suggested by the list. If Senator McCain only knows football, he knows that almost every team now uses the forward pass. He's still bitter that they don't use the wishbone or single-wing formation in the NFL anymore.

Under new ownership (3-1) 98.13 - Ophir Gophirs (2-2) 47.21

David looks like he's got the pick of the rookie running backs. Chris Johnson came into the season ranked behind fellow rookies Darren McFadden, Jonathan Stewart and Matt Forte but he may turn out to be the best of the bunch. He scored his first two touchdowns of the season as LenDale White may soon become a memory and Jamal Lewis and Steve Smith found paydirt as UNO takes the league points total lead with a resounding victory over the Gophirs.

Rob's team has now lost two in a row after begining the season 2-0. Anquan Boldin had 119 yards receiving and a score but his status is in doubt after sustaining a frightening neck injury in the final minutes. Meanwhile, Correll Buckhalter came in for the injured Brian Westbrook and had 90 total yards and a touchdown run.

Speaking of under new ownership, David was asked which bank is the current sponsor of his team. "Well, we used to be sponsored by Security Pacific before they were bought by Bank of America. But I always like the idea of a community bank so I went to Great Western and then they became purchased by WaMu. And now look what's happened to them. I'm just looking for a solid bank or credit union I can pick to sponsor my team without having to worry about name changes every two years."

It was hard enough to get Senators McCain and Obama in the same room and then when McCain threatened to cancel to address the economic crisis, I was borderline apoplectic. But I had to remain professional so I asked Senator McCain why he eventually decided to show up. Keep in mind that this interview took place Friday before all the wild things that happened on Black Monday II (or at least a grayish Monday).

McCAIN: Because they have things under control in Washington. We're going to get something passed pretty soon. And the American fantasy owners deserve to hear the candidates on the issues.

OBAMA: I was always with the people. I can have influence in Washington without being there. That is the power of my campaign and the power of Obama. I don't need to be there and I can still talk to YOU, the American people, and all of YOU in the middle class. I care about you.

ME: Now honestly, Senator McCain, you would've looked like a fool if you didn't show up.

McCAIN: No, I had a priority as a Senator. I've been sent by the good people of Arizona to do a job and unlike people from Chicago, apparently, they can show up for work every one hundred years like Cubs fans and expect that to be enough.

OBAMA: John, I'm a south-sider all the way. I love the White Sox.

McCAIN: That sounds like a typical bandwagon fan. Jumping off one bandwagon of a team that didn't win for 100 years to one that won in 86. And I didn't even know Muslims played baseball.

OBAMA: You'd be surprised, John.

Hana Buttah (2-2) 78.22 - Make it work (2-2) 75.34

Laveranues Coles caught three touchdown passes in the second quarter alone and Drew Brees threw for 363 yards and three scores to pace Warren's Hana Buttah to their second victory of the year over Matt's Make it work who clearly didn't in Week 4.

Actually, it was a close game that was made closer when LaDainian Tomlinson turned a pitiful day after three and a half quarters of his game and scored two touchdowns in the last four minutes to put together a 20+ fantasy point day.But Matt was done in by the Cowboys refusing to run the ball against the Redskins. Terrell Owens got two more carries than Felix Jones who, hello Wade Phillips, has averaged over eight yards per carry this year. Warren benefitted as Jason Witten had seven catches for 90 yards and a touchdown. Witten's numbers through four games are amazingly consistent and he is giving Antonio Gates a run as the #1 tight end in fantasy.

Kurt Warner threw for a whopping 472 yards and two touchdowns but also threw three picks and lost three fumbles. That's -12 points right there. It's amazing that Warner still nearly managed double figures.

There seems to excessive banter between Warren and Brent on the message board. It appears that these two men need to resolve their differences or take their trash talking outside. I can't stand it and I've polled the other owners (or pretended to poll them) and they agreed that we should let Senators Obama and McCain discuss the issue of trash talking.

OBAMA: This is a situation where both sides needs to show restraint. I remember my time as a community organizer on the south side of Chicago, I brought people of different races, socioeconomic scales and cultures together. I can do likewise in this league.

McCAIN: I have always been what President Bush calls a "bring togetherer". I bring people together. I befriended my captors when I was a POW for five years in Vietnam. I did the same in my time in the Senate. I can do the same with Warren and Brent.

ME: Well, that's all fine and dandy but have either of you considered that sometimes, there are people that just never want to get along?

OBAMA: Nonsense, diplomacy always works.

McCAIN: And if that doesn't work, we can increase the number of troops. That always works.

Brown Town Blues (2-2) 70.10 - Average Joes (1-3) 67.39

Bing watched the Steelers force a Joe Flacco fumble and LaMarr Woodley take it the other way for a touchdown. Coming into Monday night's game with a ten-point deficit, that defensive score put Brown Town Blues over the top with a narrow win over the luckless Average Joes.

It was an overall uninspiring performance from BTB as Marion Barber got the rock eight, count 'em EIGHT times for only 26 yards. Meanwhile, rookie tight end Dustin Keller and Braylon Edwards each caught touchdown passes. But it was Denver kicker Matt Prater who kicked four field goals that carried the offense.

For Aaron's Average Joes, there were three players with around 13 points and most of the rest tallied fewer than four. Jason Campbell had a strong performance with two touchdown passes and Lee Evans and Brandon Marshall each had scoring receptions. The Bills defense chipped in with two sacks, two forced turnovers and a touchdown. Aaron wasn't helped in that three of his surefire starters were on a bye week. But hey, bye weeks hurt everybody. Just like season-ending injuries. How about that Tom Brady?

Brown Town Blues has picked itself off the mat and has surged back to a 2-2 record. Speaking of surges, what do the candidates think of them?

McCAIN: Senator Obama has maintained that the surge hasn't worked. But it is because of my relationship with General Petraeus and that he will continue to command our forces in Iraq. Likewise, I applaud Bing for his team's surge into the middle of the table.

OBAMA: I never said that the surge didn't work - I've said all along that I was against the invasion in Iraq from the beginning and that this fantasy football team was doomed from the start. We need autonomy in our leagues and not a commissioner that will micromanage the league.

McCAIN: That almost sounds Republican - small government, more autonomy.

OBAMA: But I want the commissioner to have enough influence to help those in need. And unlike my opponent who says we're going to be involved for another 100 years, I like to withdraw my position as governor as soon as everything in the Shark Tank is fixed. That's the difference between me and my opponent. I care about Main Street, not about Wall Street.

McCAIN: What does Disneyland have to do with this? Besides, my opponents has such big ears, he, like his policies, are eerily similar to one Mickey Mouse.

OBAMA: M-I-C, K-E-Y, M-O-U-S-E! Remember, I have Britney Spears on my side, John.

Blue (1-3) 81.44 - Laurie's Team (1-3) 70.83

Very few teams make the playoffs after starting 0-3. But Willie's Blue have also won two Shark Tank Bowls so you can never count them out. Well, you can, but they may still will the odd game. Jerricho Cotchery had two touchdown receptions and Antwaan Randle El, Santonio Holmes and Antonio Gates also reached the end zone as Blue get their first win of the season over the fading Laurie's Team.

Even the much-maligned Chargers defense had a big game. Of course, they were playing the Raiders so good matchup for them. Even though Clinton Portis didn't score, he had 135 total yards and got plenty of burn.

For Laurie's Team, rookie Steve Slaton had 116 total yards and a touchdown and Robert Meachem caught a long touchdown pass. She went into Monday night's game with a slight lead but while Holmes got Willie some much-needed points, Mark Clayton had a carry on a reverse and lost a yard while Todd Heap wasn't even thrown to by Joe Flacco. Bad news for Laurie's Team. Fortunately, she gets Randy Moss back next week and will have her full roster available.

I asked the two candidates what they thought of these two teams.

OBAMA: These two teams need some sort of bailout package. Forget $700 billion. They could use another running back or a quarterback. Sometimes money doesn't solve all the problems. Other forms of relief are often good enough.

McCAIN: Well, I think just like there are big banks that make poor decisions that should be left alone like Lehman Brothers, these two teams should be left to die. We can't possibly bail out everyone and give them a LaDainian Tomlinson or a Tony Romo. What is going to be left?

OBAMA: You were wrong about Tom Brady being a #1 quarterback. You were wrong about Randy Moss being a top receiver. You were wrong about Marc Bulger having a comeback season. You were wrong, John. You were wrong.

McCAIN: Obviously, Senator Obama doesn't understand the difference between a tactic and a strategy.

ME: Oh, could you explain the difference then?

McCAIN: Umm... a tactic is like a breath mint and a strategy is like a board game with marshals, spies, scouts and bombs.

ME: Is President Bush feeding you information?

McCAIN: No, but let me make this clear: we are winning in Iraq. And eventually teams have to be left to die. That's just how economics and capitalism work and if there's a recession, that's fine. And as Robert Louis Stevenson once wrote, "Mr. Obama, you cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs."

OBAMA: Well, the problem with that, John, is that based upon eight years of failed policies, when you make the omelet, somehow the eggs end up all over your face.

This Team Stinks (4-0) 76.16 - dan's team (3-1) 62.61

In the battle of unbeatens, Elijah scraped Lance Moore off the waiver wire in time for 101 yards and two touchdown receptions and Terrell Owens stopped whining long enough to catch a touchdown pass as Elijah beat dan's team in the battle of unbeatens.

Elijah wasted a #1 waiver wire claim on Rashard Mendenhall who had his shoulder busted by Ray Lewis. He also left Edgerrin "I never get red zone carries" James on the bench and he scored twice but This Team Stinks lucked out into another win thanks to another below par performance by an opponent.

Marshawn Lynch was rated by many as the #1 running back going into Week 4 but he was relative disappointment as he had only 57 yards rushing and failed to score. Jake Delhomme took advantage of a full receiving corps as he threw for 294 yards and two scores and rookie LeRon McClain took advantage of the injury to Willis McGahee and ran for 61 yards and a score. However, the 18 point deficit after Sunday's action was too much to overcome.

Well, this debate has been utterly pointless but I will give each candidate a final statement.

OBAMA: Did I mention that I voted against Iraq from the beginning?

McCAIN: Did I mention that I was a POW for five years in Vietnam?

And with that, we thank our candidates. We hope to have the pleasure of their appearance at the next debate in several weeks.

2008 Shark Tank Football - Week 2

It was a bad week for Pac-10 football... and I'm talking about performances in the NFL. Carson Palmer and Damon Huard put up negative points. DeSean Jackson gave away a touchdown and cost Kalvin a win. Chad Johnson/Ocho Cinco and T.J. Houshmandzadeh had lousy games because Palmer stunk.

At least there were some decent performances from former Pac-10 studs. Aaron Rodgers had a big game as did his former Cal teammate Marshawn Lynch and Reggie Bush may actually have a good season. Unlike all Pac-10 teams not playing home games at a stadium that has hosted the Olympics twice.

I was at Mile 49 of my race this weekend when I heard the USC/Ohio State game on the radio in the truck of one of the aid station workers. I asked, "Hey, what's the score?" And one of the guys replied, "USC's winning 21-3." I replied, "There's a shock." And the same guy added, "You won't believe the UCLA score. They lost 59-0! What does that prove?" I said, "It proves that the Mountain West is better than the Pac-10." It hurts because I'm the total Pac-10 apologist and after brutal losses by UCLA to BYU, Arizona St. to UNLV and Cal to a weak sauce, ACC-lame Maryland team, it pretty much leads me to believe that USC is the Pac-10's sole hope for football glory. Heck, Oregon almost lost to an overachieving Purdue team. Pitiful.

Kind of like our league. I'm not sure if the Shark Tank is more Pac-10 or SEC or Big XII. Or just Monterey Bay or Shedd. Whatever. Here are the standings after Week 2:

Rk  Team                   W-L    Total    Avg  Strk
 1  This Team Stinks       2-0   190.19   95.10   W2
 2  Under new ownership    2-0   176.63   88.31   W2
 3  Baba Buddha            2-0   159.91   79.96   W2
 4  dan's team             2-0   146.33   73.17   W2
 5  Ophir Gophirs          2-0   138.75   69.38   W2
 6  Flying pigskins        1-1   154.20   77.10   W1
 7  Hana Buttah            1-1   146.49   73.25   L1
 8  The JUNGERNAUT         1-1   134.56   67.28   W1
 9  Make it work           1-1   122.18   61.09   L1
10  Average Joes           0-2   154.73   77.37   L2
11  ESPN List knows best   0-2   128.59   64.30   L2
12  Brown Town Blues       0-2   117.28   58.64   L2
13  Laurie's Team          0-2   104.51   52.26   L2
14  Blue                   0-2    95.94   47.97   L2

Quite a few owners were victimized by the late postponement of the Ravens/Texans game in Houston. Players from both teams somehow remained in lineups on Sunday morning. The good news is that you don't have to worry about them getting a bye week later. The bad news, almost all of you who had them in your lineups went down and went down hard.

The JUNGERNAUT (1-1) 83.84 - Hana Buttah (1-1) 64.73

Byron has dropped half of his team. It must have been the unproductive half because he got double digit performances from five starters and cruised to his first victory over the outmatched Hana Buttah.

Eli Manning went 20-29 for 260 yards and three touchdowns, one of which went to Plaxico Burress who caught five of Manning's passes for 81 yards. Chris Chambers was on the business of end of two touchdown passes and rookie Eddie Royal continues to impress with 37 yards and a touchdown. Kicker Nick Folk tacked on two long field goals and five extra points.
For Warren's Hana Buttah, old man Isaac Bruce, who played for the Los Angeles Rams, had a game reminiscent of ten years ago. Bruce had four caatches for 153 yards. Kicker Stephen Gostkowski took advantage of the Patriots' new-found inability to score touchdowns and had four field goals. But it wasn't enough as quarterback Drew Brees threw for only 216 yards and had two picks. Ryan Grant had another disappointing performance as he had 15 carries for only 20 yards. The Packers could've gotten that from Ahman Green. Or Dorsey Levins. Or Paul Hornung. Today. Willie Parker and Jason Witten each had 100-yard games but neither hit paydirt.

I looked up the word "JUNGERNAUT" on the Interweb and couldn't find it. And then I finally realized that it was a play on words for the word "juggernaut." I wondered aloud, "What exactly is a juggernaut? Sounds like a friend of Archie and Veronica."

Well, according to the most reliable of online sources, Wikipedia, a juggernaut is "a term used to describe a force regarded as unstoppable, that will crush all in its path." Then I wondered, "Why did Byron pick that name then? Unless he's doing some reverse psychology thing. That's like an NFL team naming themselves the Jets when all they really do is run the ball until they got a real quarterback this year. Or an NBA or NHL team naming itself the Kings. It's like, "Our team name is not really descriptive. It's more of something hoped for."

Under new ownership (2-0) 96.47 - Brown Town Blues (0-2) 53.23

Despite personal loyalties including owning a jersey of Ben Roethlisberger, David was able to do the right thing and set aside all personal allegiance for the sake of the fantasy game. Big Ben hit the bench and future Hall-of-Fame quarterback Aaron Rodgers went 24-38 for 328 yards and three touchdowns and Santana Moss had 191 yards from scrimmmage and a score as UNO blew out BTB.

Rookie Chris Johnson ran for 109 yards and Joseph Addai scored on a short-touchdown run to aid the UNO effort. The Packers defense took advantage of the Lions with five sacks, three picks and two defensive touchdowns.

For Brown Town Blues, the sole hero was the man they call Marion the Barbarian. Barber had 114 total yards and two touchdowns. However, the receiving corps had another pitiful performance. It got so bad that BTB did not even start a tight end. But that actually worked out because regular TE Jeremy Shockey had only two catches for 22 yards and ended up with negative points because he lost a fumble.

Last week I mentioned that Troy Palomalu had dreadlocks. Of course, he doesn't - he just has long hair. The Shark Tank football blog regrets the error. Well, not really.

Newspaper and magazine corrections are hilarious to me. The errors are often fairly egregious, at least to the one that had his or her ox gored. So let's say the headline of the New York Times said, "Obama is a Muslim!" Of course, since he says he isn't, the NYT would stick a little tidbit on page 10 that says, "It turns out, Obama is not a Muslim. The Times regrets the error."

Why don't newspapers put on the front page above the fold, "We screwed up!" I guess newspapers reporting erroneous information wouldn't really be newsworthy enough to put on Page One. We regret that we always trust the press. We regret even more that we pay attention to blogs. Perhaps the framers of the Bill of Rights would have said, "As it turns out, we had no idea that this freedom of the press thing would lead to weblogs. We hereby regret that we ever passed the First Amendment. The Founding Fathers regret the error."

dan's team (2-0) 74.21 - Laurie's Team (0-2) 48.09

The Len spousal rivalry returns for the... I don't know how many times. Len Bowl XII? Close enough. This time, man beats woman... err... that doesn't sound so good. How about this time, man defeats woman as Dan gets big games from Julius Jones and Reggie Wayne to outduel Laurie.

Wayne had five receptions for 93 yards and a score while Torry Holt and Tony Gonzalez each had touchdown catches. Marshawn Lynch had a modest 58 yards but also found the end zone. But it was Jones that had a whopping 26 carries for 127 yards and a touchdown. Shawn Alexander who? Rookie Limas Sweed was out for the second straight game but no harm was done to Team Dan who won his second straight.

Carson Palmer had another Trojan-like performace. He went 16-27 for only 134 yards, no touchdowns and two interceptions. In two games, Palmer has a total of 0.70 fantasy points. That's exactly 28 passing yards. I can get my nephew Evan to the other side of my brother's driveway, throw him a NERF ball, he'd catch it and I'd have just as many fantasy points as Palmer. Maybe Carson's real first name is Laura and someone killed her and they're trying to find out who killed the real Carson Palmer.

Meanwhile, Philip Rivers may have taken away Laurie's starting QB job. Or at least he should. Rivers went 38-60 for 377 yards, three touchdowns and one pick. He threw short, medium and long and shredded the Broncos defense. Rivers would have given Laurie 22.43 fantasy points. As it turns out, it still wouldn't have been enough.

Anthony Gonzalez (a "good pick") had 137 yards receiving and Reggie Bush returned a punt 55 yards for a touchdown. But what has to concern Laurie was that Bush had only 10 carries and 28 yards. Not so great.

I asked the married couple to see if they had any sort of wager for the week. And they said, "Well, we decided that whoever loses has to do whatever the winner wants." And I asked, "Oh, so like cooking, cleaning, driving the kids around type stuff?" And Dan said, "Oh no. Something much more serious. Like we decided to kick this to another level."

Curiously but hesitantly, I asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, the winner would get whatever fantasy players they wanted from the losing team." Well, that doesn't seem fair. "Life isn't always fair, came the prompt reply. Besides, the potential benefit is minimalized since the loser has by definition stinky players else they would have won."

I couldn't argue with that logic but it seems to me that I'd rather not have to clean for a month. "Well, we have a good arrangement. It was either this or the loser would surrender his or her vote in the upcoming election and also have to wait at the DMV or the Social Security Administration office for anything that needed to be taken care of." I guess Laurie got off easy then. If there are any fishy-looking trades, just remember, you can make the same deal if you play your spouse.

Ophir Gophirs (2-0) 74.00 - Blue (0-2) 46.04

Willie looks like he may go from first to worst and in two games, his Blue have totalled fewer than 100 points. In Week 2, Anquan Boldin and Brian Westbrook led the Gophirs to a rout as the Gophirs moved to 2-0.

Boldin had six receptions for 140 yards and three touchdowns. Westbrook had 103 total yards and three touchdowns as well. Rob lost the services of Andre Johnson, Willis McGahee and rookie Ray Rice to the postponement of the Ravens/Texans game but he still managed to put up an impressive point total.

Blue saw Clinton Portis score twice but little else went right. Peyton Manning had an ordinary game and but for a fourth quarter rally, would've done worse than has 8.78 points. No other Blue player reached the end zone though Santonio Holmes did have 104 total yards. Antonio Gates is starting to look like just another Chargers receiver as Philip Rivers has begun to throw to different receivers.

Rob is especially excited that this Friday is the however many annual "Talk Like a Pirate Day." I don't quite get this myself though I remember a couple years ago, my brother was on the front page of the website. I first heard of this about ten years ago on my NPR station at which point, I stopped listening to NPR.

But in all honestly, talking like a pirate sounds like a good idea. Who wouldn't want to call their girls "wenches"? "Ahoy Stef, you wench! Ye land lubber, fill my canteen with grog!" She'd be thrilled.

But you know, pirates are better known for their, you know, piracy. Though I've never been a real pirate, there is some serious piracy going on off the horn of East Africa where Somalian pirates actually hijack ships for ransom. And they get what they want more often than not.

So forget "talk like a pirate day." How abouts "Pirate like a pirate day"? Think about it. Dig your friend's ride? Go ahead and carjack it! A real pirate would do it. "Ahoy matey! Give me ye car keys so I can get ye booty!" Pirates are also known to have rather short tempers. This "pirate like a pirate day" would allow amnesty to anyone that caused bodily harm to another so long as they did so in a true buccaneer fashion. This would allow people to not only talk like pirates but act out their deeply repressed pirate fantasies.

So ahoy matey! Give me ye booty else I put ye in Davy Jones' locker! Avast, Felix Jones' locker.

This Team Stinks (2-0) 106.62 - Make it work (1-1) 60.20

This Team Stinks may actually not stink this year. Elijah's team became the first team this season to break the century mark as he got massive performances from Jay Cutler, Terrell Owens and rookie Darren McFadden to put the hurt on the overmatched and unlucky Make it work.

Cutler is starting to look like the 2008 version of 2007 Tom Brady. The guy with the bad haircut torched the Sandy Eggo secondary for 350 yards and four touchdowns. Sure, he got a little lucky. Had Ed Hochuli correctly called that play, Cutler would've had 344 yards, three touchdowns, a pick, and a fumble and lost a two-point conversion. But hey, after years of crappy luck, something was bound to go right for me.

Owens had three catches for 89 yards and two scores including a 72-yard pitch-and-catch. McFadden may not have been a bad pick after all. After Justin Fargas went down with a groin injury, McFadden came in and ran roughshod to the tune of 21 carries for 164 yards and a touchdown. The Titans D had another big game was they blocked a Bengals punt and got a touchdown out of it.

Matt got a good effort from Earnest Graham who had 128 yards and a score and Larry Fitzgerald who caught six catches for 153 yards but didn't hit paydirt. Matt elected to start Brett Favre which cost him about 15 points as Kurt Warner had a perfect QB rating and accumulated 22.03 fantasy points on the bench. Warner has replaced Favre as the starter.

#1 pick LaDainian Tomlinson had only ten carries for 26 yards and has yet to score this season despite the Chargers scoring 62 points as a team. It seems like Matt lamenting his rotten luck is an annual shark tank ritual. "I feel like I always draft a great white shark and he turns into a guppy."

I don't want to jinx my team by saying too much so I'll just leave it at that.

Baba Buddha (2-0) 76.39 - ESPN List knows best (0-2) 74.06

Andy needed Tony Romo to get nearly 19 fantasy points on Monday Night Football to overtake his post-Sunday deficit to Brent. Romo had a strong game as the soon-to-be Mr. Jessica Simpson went 21-30 for 312 yards and three scores with a pick and a fumble He also took three kneeldowns for -5 yards and one of these days, an owner is going to lose a game because his quarterback killed the clock at the end of his game.

Hines Ward scored his third touchdown of the season but Andy lost Marques Colston and Reggie Brown to injuries. Andy isn't really that concerned about fantasy football right now since the Red Sox are entering playoff mode. "My attention is focused first on the Red Sox. They need all my support this time of year, especially if they don't play the Angels in the first round. If they play the Angels, I can relax." When reminded that he has a young daughter and that perhaps she should have a higher priority than baseball, Andy replied, "She understands. If she were in my position, she'd do the exact the same thing." Karen was unavailable for comment but Addison was shown giddily gyrating while wearing a Red Sox cap and a Big Papi onesie.

Brent got six catches and 129 yards from Calvin Johnson and 167 yards receiving from Greg Jennings. Frank Gore scored his second touchdown in as many weeks. In a shocking development, Michael Turner did not come close to matching his Week 1 performance. Too bad this isn't a roto league. Remember those days?

Since Brent has adopted the name that I suggested, I figured he ought to start building a shrine to the not-so-almighty Buddha. Unfortunately, most players fantasy football are skill players and very few are fat and cherubic like a typical Buddha. Instead, I decided to examine the tenets of fantasy football Buddhism. There are the Four Noble Truths and the Noble Eightfold Path. If Brent hasn't changed his name, I'll go over the Eightfold Path next week as he continues to try to reach fantasy nirvana. But this week, we'll start with the Four Noble Truths of Fantasy Football.

First, fantasy football means suffering. No team will go through a season without turmoil. We have bye weeks, nagging injuries, players listed as "questionable" that play and frustration when a player drops the ball, quarterbacks take knees and other things that are sound in real football that upset us in the fantasy realm. There are positive experiences in fantasy too but heck, we don't remember them. We only remember when we bench a guy that runs for three touchdowns and not the one that gets the points we expect. Fantasy football is about nonpermanence. After all, after every season, we redraft new rosters.

Second, the origin of fantasy football suffering is attachment. We tend to focus on the transient and not on the permanent. We know that we only have these players for one season yet we wildly overrate our own players' values in trades while deflating the values of those trying to rip us off. Our due diligence becomes a crutch because we cling to what we should set free. When we release our attachments, we can succeed in our run to the playoffs.

Third, the cessation of fantasy football is attainable. However, this may take longer than normal. Even though it is Fantasy Football Hinduism that believes in reincarnation, you may feel like karma has slapped you and given you a group of healthy players that somehow becomes entirely injured by Week 3. Buddhism believes that the cessation of suffering begins with detachment. Believe me, many of you that are 2-8 after Week 10 will become so detached from your teams that trade offers will no longer be replied to and you will purposely suffer some more in the hope that in your next life, you will not have to suffer so much pain. Or at least get a higher draft pick.

Fourth, there is an eightfold path to the end of fantasy football suffering. Unfortunately, this path of self-improvement may not take place in one, two or even five years. Just ask Matt. He's still stuck on the first step on the Noble path. We will examine this next week.

Until then, do not needlessly attach yourself to the fantasy football realm. Do not feel obligated to refresh your browser every 30 seconds on a Sunday afternoon. Go out and play basketball or run a 100-mile race. The pain you feel is real and will make fantasy football suffering seem like a harmless scratch by comparison.

Flying pigskins (1-1) 77.23 - Average Joes (0-2) 75.76

If I'm Kalvin, I'm pretty upset this morning. DeSean Jackson prematurely threw the ball away at the end of a long pass from Donovan McNabb. No, I don't miss having DJax at Cal. The boy is a punk. But he's talented. However, that talent turned a 61-yard touchdown catch to a 60-yard reception and Westbrook scored on the next play. No harm for the Eagles but it cost Kalvin over ten fantasy points. And a win turned into a what appeared to be a bitter defeat by less than a point.

But then something strange transpired. The referee of the game, Hochuli came over to Aaron and explained that a play that was ruled a fumble was really an illegal forward pass and so Kalvin would retain possession. So a narrow win became a two point loss for Aaron.

Aaron, incensed, slammed his clipboard to the ground and got into the face of Hochuli. Hochuli said, "I'm sorry, Aaron. I blew it. I feel terrible but I can't change it." Aaron really wanted a piece of Hochuli but realized, "Hmm... he's about 100 lbs. stronger and heavier than I am. Perhaps I should just whine to the press like a typical sore-loser head coach on the losing end of bad calls."

Kalvin said, "It was unfortunate to win this way. Actually, who am I kidding? I'll take wins any way I can get them. You win some and you lose some. And those who are winsome like me win more."

Adrian Peterson had another large game as he stakes his claim to being the #1 overall fantasy pick for the next five years. AP had 180 total yards and has 263 rushing yards already in his quest for 2,000. The Bears D had another strong outing as did Packers kicker Mason Crosby. The game may have not come down to such a controversial finish if rookie Jonathan "The Daily Show" Stewart were in the lineup. Kalvin has the luxury of two quality rookies.

Tight end Tony Scheffler had two touchdown receptions and Aaron got decent efforts from Matt Forte and Ronnie Brown.

Aaron shook off the loss of Brady and decided, "I'm going to replace him with Damon Huard." Well, Huard left his game early with a strained neck muscle and ended up with only 17 yards passing and a pick. But Brandon Marshall came off suspension to have a massive 18 catches for 166 yards and a touchdown. Brandon Jacobs had another solid game. I think Aaron should call his team the "Average Brandons."

2008 Shark Tank Football - Draft Recap and Week 1

Yes indeed, after a one year hiatus, the official Shark Tank Football Blog is back. The author still doesn't really care about fantasy football but he was excited about being in a 14-team league where the waiver wire would be filled with dregs and everyone would face a roster crunch. And he was still upset when he learned that Brent ripped off his team name. Brent got his comeuppance with a mere fifth place finish in 2007.

Willie won his second Shark Tank Bowl title last year knocking off upstart Byron. Unfortunately, I could care less because I wasn't playing. I only care a little more this year and that was evident by the fact that I skipped out on the draft because of other obligations.

Speaking of fantasy football, how about a shout-out to all the significant others? A couple years ago, I presented this alternative: The Fantasy Fashion League. It starts on 9/21 just in time for the Emmys so get your roster in now!

But I came across this article on ESPN.com for a group of fantasy football widows. They brand themselves as Women Against Fantasy Sports (WAFS). I've decided I will buy this T-shirt that says "I thought I was your fantasy" for the winner's wife. If the winner is single, well, then, I guess I can save myself the $21. If the winner is a woman, I think her husband should wear the shirt to the next draft as punishment.

Draft Recap

Since I wasn't at the draft, I can't possibly write a recap that includes all the insults and "good picks." But Rob has gratefully labeled the good picks. Well, let's see... Andre Johnson in Round 2? How is that a "good pick?" Brent does realize that he has Matt Schaub as his quarterback, right? Warren Moon doesn't play in Houston anymore. And Marques Colston? Brent should've been able to see that he would tear ligaments in this thumb.

Also, I'm shocked, SHOCKED that Tony Romo fell to the 24th overall pick. I'm sure Andy was doing cartwheels when he saw that. Speaking of cartwheels, did you hear about the Real Salt Lake soccer player who broke his leg doing a backflip after scoring a goal? He's out for the year. And the goal didn't even count because someone was adjudged offside.

But seriously, Braylon Edwards over Romo? Brandon Jacobs? Well, Aaron already drafted Tom Brady so he was all set at QB. Or not.

With so many teams, this season looks pretty unpredictable. I like this better than the 10-team leagues that have a gazillion decent players on waivers. Scarcity is a wonderful thing. The best part is that every owner can look at his/her team and think, "Man, my team is pretty ordinary." But with 14 teams, no team really stands out on paper.

I gave Aaron a set of draft instructions which kinda fell apart after the first directive - draft Darren McFadden in the first round if available. After that, I guess it didn't matter and I learned that the ESPN and Yahoo lists stink. Just like my team. Speaking of my team, guess who's in first after Week 1?

Rk  Team                   W-L    Total    Avg  Strk
 1  This Team Stinks       1-0    83.57   83.57   W1
 2  Haha Buttha            1-0    83.52   83.52   W1
 3  Hana Buttah            1-0    81.76   81.76   W1
 4  Under new ownership    1-0    80.16   80.16   W1
 5  dan's team             1-0    72.12   72.12   W1
 6  Ophir Gophirs          1-0    64.75   64.75   W1
 7  Make it work           1-0    61.98   61.98   W1
 8  Average Joes           0-1    78.97   78.97   L1
 9  Flying pigskins        0-1    76.97   76.97   L1
10  Brown Town Blues       0-1    64.05   64.05   L1
11  Laurie's Team          0-1    57.42   57.42   L1
12  ESPN List knows best   0-1    54.53   54.53   L1
13  Blue                   0-1    49.90   49.90   L1
14  The JUNGERNAUT         0-1    48.72   48.72   L1

Jay Cutler got an additional passing yard in the NFL official stats. Normally, that's only worth .025 points. Ah, but that extra yard put Cutler at 300 yards on the nose which garnered me a bonus point. Why do we have bonus points anyway? Was this to satisfy all of you that complained that we weighed touchdowns too much? I thought the object of football was to score, not just accumulate yardage. Perhaps I was wrong and all the women that think fantasy football is ruining the universe are correct.

Brent's Team (1-0) 83.52 - Average Joes (0-1) 78.97

I'm sick of Brent changing his team name. He just rips off other team names. Now he's bastardized Warren's team's name into something different. He may as well just called his team Baba Buddha and burned incense at the feet of the fantasy gods. Don't forget to bow three times or your team will lose.

But for Week 1, those prayers worked because the injury to Average Joe's first-round pick Tom Brady cost Aaron the victory. Brady only tallied 76 yards of passing as Aaron fell by about 4.5 points. He did get a massive contribution from rookie running back Matt Forte who had 141 yards from scrimmage and a touchdown. Forte might have had more but the Bears were rolling the Colts and Forte was nicked up. Who would've thought that Tarvaris Jackson was the key to an Average Joe's victory?

Meanwhile, Brent's Team got 220 rushing yards and three touchdowns from former Chargers backup Michael Turner. That resulted in over 30 fantasy points. I bet that Turner won't have another game like that ever. And that's bad news for Brent because he got little help from elsewhere. He started two guys that didn't play and still won. LenDale White looks like he's about to lose playing time to rookie Chris Johnson but scored a touchdown on his way out. Frank Gore shook off preseason predictions of mediocrity with 151 yards from scrimmage and a touchdown.

Aaron was diplomatic in losing Brady. "Well, it's just fantasy football, not life." Here's to thinking that Tiff won't have to worry about getting a free T-shirt this year.

Hana Buttah (1-0) 81.76 - Flying pigskins (0-1) 76.97

Speaking of name changes, Flying pigskins coach Kalvin was hoping for Chad Ocho Cinco get at least ocho cinco yardas and at least one trip to la zona de anotación. Instead Ocho Cinco got only veintidos yardas and the Skins lost by a little less than cinco puntos to Warren's Hana Buttah.

Donovan McNabb rewarded Kalvin with a fantasy-studlike performance in throwing for 361 yards and three touchdowns. #2 overall pick Adrian Peterson proved his worth by running for 103 yards and scoring a touchdown. And the Chicago defense lived up to billing with a safety, a touchdown and two sacks against the Colts. Kalvin was noticeably bitter at Ocho Cinco's antics after the game. "I think Ocho Cinco not only refers to his uniform number but also his IQ," he bitterly complained.

Meanwhile, Warren saw his quarterback, Drew Brees, nearly match McNabb with 343 yards in the air and three touchdowns. Willie Parker equaled his touchdown total from 2007 in the first game of the year as he ran for 138 yards and three scores. Rookie Kevin Smith compiled 80 yards from scrimmage and a touchdown as well.

Warren nearly started a riot in the Shark Tank by declaring himself a "republican for Obama." I don't even know who this Obama fellow is. Perhaps Warren was confused in thinking Obama was really 'ohana. I mean, I hear this guy lived in Hawaii. Doing a quick Google search on this Obama guy turned out quite a bit of stuff. Wow, apparently he's running for president or something.

So Obama's campaign slogan is "Change You Can Believe In." That is so strikingly similar to Hillary Clinton's slogan: "Change You Can Count On." Apparently belief is stronger than counting. Although The Count was one of my favorite Sesame Street characters. However, I guess Mr. Snuffleupagus is more popular since he was a fantasy belief turned reality.

I decided to look up other presidential campaign slogans that incorporated the word "change." While I chuckled at many slogans, I need to save material for the run-up to the election. Well, I will share Woodrow Wilson's 1916 slogan: "He kept us out of war." At least, he did until five months after the 1916 election. Evidently, the best campaign promises are the ones you make after the fact.

Anyway, Walter Mondale's 1984 slogan was "America Needs a Change." Evidently not. In 1976, Jimmy Carter had a couple slogans en route his victory over Jerry Ford. "Not Just Peanuts" was probably better known than "A Leader, For a Change."

John McCain's slogan is "Reform, Prosperity, Peace." That is amazingly similar to Eisenhower's 1956 slogan of "Peace and Prosperity." But isn't "reform" just another word for change? I mean, change isn't always for the better but reform suggests something better, right? So I think Obama should change his slogan to "Reform You Can Believe In". Yeah, it doesn't quite have the same ring to it. Not exactly as catchy as "Tippecanoe and Tyler Too."

I love politics! So much material!

Under New Ownership (1-0) 80.16 - The JUNGERNAUT (0-1) 48.72

We didn't have many blowouts in Week 1 except for this. David schooled his former work colleague with a well-balanced performance in his victory over 2007 runner-up Byron.

Rookie Chris Johnson who was every fantasy expert's sleeper coming into the season did not disappoint with 127 yards from scrimmage and a receiving touchdown. Ben Roethlisberger threw two touchdown passes in a steady performance. Almost every player for David scored a touchdown and that's usually a good sign.

For Byron, it was a disappointing start to the season. No Brady and no Moss this year. Of course, that isn't so bad now. But when your top point-scorer in below 10 fantasy points, that's a recipe for failure. Giants tandem Eli Manning and Plaxico Burress contributed nearly half of the JUNGERNAUT's point total. Meanwhile, Byron left rookie receiver Eddie Royal's 146 yards receiving and a touchdown on the bench. Not that it would have helped him.

In real life football, Super Bowl losers usually follow it up with bad years. In fact, they often don't even make the playoffs. We'll see if things change in the Shark Tank or if fantasy mirrors real life.

I don't know if any of you guys actually notice the Yahoo avatars. But I noticed Byron's avatar has the guy holding something in his left hand. I can't tell if it's a cell phone. It's flat and rectangular and it's being held close to the dude's ear. I asked Byron about that avatar and he said, "That's what being the father of two young children is like, always on the phone getting stuff for the kids."

However, I'm unconvinced that it's really a mobile phone that the guy is holding. I think it could be any number of things. Yes, I suppose he looks like some sort of business dude that appears to be busy holding a phone. But I think the object could also be an eraser. Or a sponge. Or even block of white post-it notes. Let me know what you think that object REALLY is.

This Team Stinks (1-0) 83.57 - Brown Town Blues (0-1) 64.05

I would like to thank ESPN for ranking Tennessee's defense so low. The Titans D knocked the Jags around for seven sacks, two picks and a recovered fumble and Cutler threw for 300 yards and two touchdowns to lead This Team Stinks to one more victory than Elijah had all of 2007.

Speaking of surpassing something, I read a prediction that Thomas Jones would quadruple his touchdown total from 2007. That got me really excited until I discovered he only scored once last year. But he's already equalled that number in 2008! Jones ran for 100 yards as well as getting into the endzone. Rookie first rounder Darren McFadden is starting to look like a mistake as he only got nine carries for 46 yards.

For Bing's Brown Town Blues, coming off a playoff appearance last year, Week 1 was a disappointing result. Jeff Garcia threw for 221 yards and touchdown. But that's the good news. The bad news is that he also threw an interception and that he and his real life coach are on the outs. WAFS would say, "Cry me a river."

Marion Barber did have 101 yards from scrimmage and two rushing scores to help the offense. However, the BTB receiving corps of Braylon Edwards, T.J. Houshmandzadeh and Roddy White totalled 112 yards and no scores. The Pittsburgh defense gave its typical double-digit performance but it wasn't enough.

I think Brown Town Blues may hold the record for the most guys in dreadlocks on the same team at one time. Barber and DeAngelo Williams both wear dreadlocks. Troy Palomalu is on the Pittsburgh defense. So I propose that Bing rename his team "Bob Marley Blues." But Marley was a reggae artist and not a blues singer. But that just sounds cool. "Hey, I named my team after Bob Marley, mon." Speaking of Jamaica, did you read the article where some physicist calculated that if Usain Bolt hadn't messed around in the last 20 meters of the 100m, he would've run 9.55? That's interesting but not as interesting as how much he would beat everyone by if he sported dreadlocks.

Make it work (1-0) 61.98 - Blue (0-1) 49.90

Matt's run of last-place finishes is very impressive. Once again, he has LaDainian Tomlinson on his team but this time, LT got help fro his teammates as Make It Work defeated defending champs Blue in a relatively low scoring affair.

Brett Favre made his Jets debut with 194 yards passing and two scores. Rookie Felix Jones came off the bench to rush for 62 yards and a touchdown. Tomlinson, Earnest Graham and Larry Fitzgerald each made modest contributions to the winning effort.

For Blue, it was a blue weekend indeed. Peyton Manning pitched in for 257 passing yards and a score and Jerricho Cotchery caught 80 yards' worth of passes and scored in the process. But when six of your ten active players each score four points or less, that's not so good.

I am curious about the origins of many of our team's names. Some names are more obvious than others. However, I wondered aloud about the genesis of "Make it work." Could this be a reference to Ne-Yo's song? These lyrics caught my eye:

"Looking for perfect, surrounded by artificial
You're the closest thing to real I've seen
Sure everyone has their problems
Yours are the easiest to tolerate"

That's fantasy football in a nutshell.

Or could Matt be an avid viewer of Project Runway? I know I get really excited when the designers come out and Tim Gunn tells a particpant with some garish design to"make it work." So there you go. It's "make it work time." Get to it, Matt.

Ophir Gophirs (1-0) 64.75 - Laurie's Team (0-1) 57.42

In a hotly contested game between two old rivals (old not in terms of age, just in terms of longevity - yes, that's much better), it was Rob getting the upper hand this time as Brian Westbrook ran for a touchdown and caught another to lead the Gophirs to victory.

Good pick Andre Johnson did have 112 yards receiving but failed to score. Did I mention Matt Schaub is the quarterback in Houston? And I did I mention that somehow, he ended up on my team? Anyhoo, Roy Williams (the receiver, not the DB) had 47 yards and a score while the Pats defense tallied four sacks and a pick against the Chiefs. But at least the Chiefs took down pretty boy Brady. And the Gophirs benefitted because Rob snapped up Matt Cassel before you could say, "Hey, didn't he go to USC?"

For Laurie, she got a strong performance from another former Trojan, Reggie Bush. The former Heisman winner (the first pro to win one, BTW) had 163 yards from scrimmage and a long touchdown catch. However, another Trojan let her down as Carson Palmer had only 94 yards passing and an interception. Meanwhile, Murphy's law of fantasy sports strikes again as Philip Rivers and Mark Clayton combined for 27 points on the pine. Starting Rivers over Palmer would've given Laurie the win.

According to Yahoo, Rob might be the ultimate fantasy geek in the Shark Tank. He has managed a whopping 133 teams. He plays in a lot of public leagues though and as we all know, managers in public leagues tend to be slightly more intelligent than your average primate at the zoo. So those trophies don't really count.

But he's only actually won first place in real league once. That was in basketball in 2006 where he emerged victorious in the big roundball version of the Shark Tank. So there's been a lot of pent up frustration over the years in Rob's fantasy life. I just read that Yahoo Fantasy Hockey signups begin today. Let's see how sharks handle the frozen water. Maybe the ice will freeze all of Rob's fantasy sports tears. And maybe the Cubs will actually win the World Series too.

Dan's Team (1-0) 72.12 - ESPN List knows best (0-1) 54.53

The ESPN list knows best in leagues set up for ESPN. But those league settings are different than ours. So, whaddya know? ESPN's list resulted in a Week 1 loss for gambling owner Andy as Dan got a well-rounded performance to secure the win.

Dan saw five players reach double figures led by former Cal great Marshawn Lynch who had 94 total yards and a score. Reggie Wayne and Nate Burleson each chipped in with touchdown receptions. Jake Delhomme picked up about five fantasy points in the last play of the game against the Chargers when he threw a touchdown pass as time expired. The Ravens D also did its usual thing - four points allowed, two sacks and two forced turnovers.

For Andy, all I can say is, "I can't freakin' believe Tony Romo fell to #24." Romo had 320 yards passing and a touchdown. Hines Ward may be the best old receiver this year as he had 76 yards and two touchdown catches. Not much else went right however for Andy though. It's only a matter of time before Andy starts accumulating 49ers players. His projected starting lineup for Week 13:

QB J.T. O'Sullivan (trade for Romo)
RB Frank Gore (trade for Jackson)
RB DeShaun Foster (and he went to UCLA, fight fight fight!)
WR Arnaz Battle (trade for Colston)
WR Isaac Bruce
WR Bryant Johnson
Flex Roger Craig (how come Yahoo hasn't added him yet)
TE Dwight Clark
K Ray Wersching
Defense 1988

So that wraps up Week 1. If the playoffs started today, well, that wouldn't be fair, would it?