Shark Tank Football - Week 12 - The "What If?" Game

Yay! Only one more week before I don't have to do six games per week! Ahem… I hope everyone had a pleasant Thanksgiving holiday. I know David and Dan did as they clinched playoff berths with wins in Week 12. There is still the coveted #2 seed on the line this week as David would clinch it with any sort of win or a loss by Dan as there's no way any of the three teams below David in the standings are going to make up 100 points in one week.

So, in the interest of continuity, first the standings and results from Week 11 (sorry, no writeups):

Rk  Team                   W-L  Total    Avg  Strk
 1  I Pick Donte'..Again  10-1  970.91  88.26   L1
 2  SBXL Champs            7-4  882.80  80.25   W3
 3  Flying pigskins        7-4  806.81  73.35   W4
 4  Dan                    7-4  762.87  69.35   W1
 5  Cambridge Gooners FC   6-5  801.25  72.84   L1
 6  Ophir Gophirs          6-5  759.69  69.06   L1
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 7  Ram Tuff part 2        5-6  845.30  76.85   W1
 8  Blue                   5-6  801.10  72.83   W1
 9  www.hughhewitt.com     5-6  585.62  52.24   W1
10  Brown Town Blues       4-7  756.83  68.80   L1
11  Woodchucks             2-9  697.67  63.42   L5
12  the Jungernaut         2-9  612.76  55.71   L5

Blue (5-6) 76.39 - I Pick Donte'..Again (10-1) 64.04
Ram Tuff part 2 (5-6) 73.95 - Brown Town Blues (4-7) 42.61
SBXL Champs (7-4) 69.35 - Ophir Gophirs (6-5) 64.17
www.hughhewitt.com (5-6) 51.58 - Woodchucks (2-9) 46.88
Dan (7-4) 97.65 - Cambridge Gooners FC (6-5) 46.41
Flying pigskins (7-4) 109.32 - the Jungernaut (2-9) 50.86

And now, the current standings after Week 12:

Rk  Team                   W-L   Total    Avg(Rk) Strk
 1  I Pick Donte'..Again  11-1  1066.08  88.91 (1)  W1
 2  SBXL Champs            8-4   974.03  81.17 (2)  W4
 3  Dan                    8-4   886.75  73.90 (4)  W2
 4  Flying pigskins        7-5   847.31  70.61 (7)  L1
 5  Ophir Gophirs          7-5   823.09  68.59 (8)  W1
 6  Cambridge Gooners FC   6-6   860.89  71.74 (6)  L2
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 7  www.hughhewitt.com     6-6   658.89  54.91 (11) W2
 8  Ram Tuff part 2        5-7   887.74  73.98 (3)  L1
 9  Blue                   5-7   879.93  73.33 (5)  L1
10  Brown Town Blues       4-8   810.79  67.57 (9)  L2
11  Woodchucks             3-9   795.72  66.31 (10) W1
12  the Jungernaut         2-10  649.83  54.15 (12) L6

With three teams already in, the Flying Pigskins and the Ophir Gophirs are also looking very good for a playoff spot. In fact, they look to have all but mathematically clinched a spot as the 7th-place HH.com is 165 points behind the Gophirs and 189 points in arrears of the Pigskins. The 'Skins and 'Phirs play each other this week to for seeding and an outside shot at the #2 seed.

Well, with only one week to go in the regular season, that means it's time to play the "What if?" game! Not only looking at playoff scenarios but also at what each owner could have done differently. Because looking back and complaining beats the heck out of looking forward trying to fix our screwups.

Woodchucks (3-9) 98-05 - Blue (5-7) 78.83

Carissa rushed the field as soon as the clock hit :00 as the Woodchucks snapped their five-game losing streak by dealing Blue a potentially fatal loss. There would have been more fans rushing the field but they couldn't find it wearing brown paper bags on their heads and all. With the win, Coach Matt L won't have to worry about who to draft #1 next year and he can let Byron make the first pick and he can take whoever's left between Larry Johnson and LaDainian Tomlinson.

The Woodchucks finally got the big collective effort Coach Matt L has been waiting for all season. Drew Brees continued his hot play since being acquired as he threw for his fifth straight 300-yard game and two more touchdowns. Anquan Boldin, Laveranues Coles and Terrell Owens each surpassed 100 yards receiving and each scored once while Terry Glenn found paydirt twice. Meanwhile, Brandon Jacobs got what was, for him, a whopping nine carries and turned them into 54 yards and two touchdowns. All of that resulted in a season-high point output.

Alas for Blue, despite another big game from Tomlinson, normal contributors failed to contribute. LT ran for 109 yards and two touchdowns while throwing a touchdown pass to Antonio Gates. Marion Barber had another strong game running while catching two scoring passes. But Ben Roethlisberger saw more Baltimore grass than Cal Ripken and Hines Ward was injured.

Matt L was pleased to finally get back into the win column. "I know I may have cost myself the #1 pick but no one wants to finish last two years in a row. This is something worth celebrating. After the game, the family popped open a fresh box of formula to celebrate. Asked if he had any regrets, Matt said, "LaDainian Tomlinson or Larry Johnson."

Meanwhile, this was a devastating loss for Blue. Despite having the most valuable player this year, the rest of the team has been unable to support LT. "It's really disappointing. And frustrating. All we want is a chance and I know I can kick Brent's butt again," said Blue Coach Willie W. Asked if he had any regrets, he said, "Hines Ward. Man, it's a good thing LT was so good because the rest of my draft kind of sucked."

Dan (8-4) 123.88 - Flying pigskins (7-5) 40.50

Back in the old days when I used to play fantasy football, I always found blowout losses much less frustrating than close games where my team scores a respectable point total and loses. Well, Team Dan edged the Flying pigskins by a mere 83 points. A close shave indeed. In the battle of 7-5 teams, it was Team Dan exploding behind four touchdown runs by rookie Joseph Addai as they pasted Kalvin S's Flying pigskins to keep pace with SBXL Champs (or whatever he was called for about eight hours after the Steelers got blasted).

Addai had 208 yards from scrimmage along with his four touchdown runs. Team Dan was also boosted by Chester Taylor who ran for 136 yards and a score. Rudi Johnson and Plaxico Burress each scored touchdowns while Larry Fitzgerald caught 172 yards worth of passes. The result could have been even worse had Team Dan started Charles Cooley instead of Alge Crumpler and T.J. Houshmandzadeh instead of the previously hot Lee Evans. Man, we could've had a 100-point victory, something that has only happened once or twice. Oh well, maybe next week.

For the Pigskins, if you're going to lay an egg, at least make it over easy. And it was over easy. No Pigskin reached double figures. The closet was Chad Johnson who had seven catches for 123 yards. That's about all there is to say. A bad week for the Pigskins as they have their four-game winning streak abruptly terminated.

Dan was pleased to make the playoffs after a one-year absence. "This is the way it should be. We Lens started this league and at least one of us should be represented. It would've been a tragedy if none of us made it." But he's pleased to have fraternal bragging rights for the year so far. "Especially with Aaron only ahead of Byron in the basketball league, things are pretty desperate for our family."

For Kalvin, he was also happy to have all but clinched a playoff spot. "We had a good year. Like I said in Week 3, I'll be around to annoy all of you in the playoffs." Think how much better the Pigskins could have been if they didn't draft Reggie Bush #1. "We don't look back. We see Bush at #1 as a bit of a bust but then we also see Willie Parker putting up #1 numbers and Fred Taylor also having a good year. So it evens out and we don't go around looking back and wondering what might have been. Except with how good UCLA would be this year with another year of Jordan Farmar and Luc Richard Mbah a Moute being a sophomore. Why, oh why did Farmar have to leave???"

Ophir Gophirs (7-5) 63.40 - Cambridge Gooners FC (6-6) 59.64

Speaking of close games (albeit with middling point totals), the Gophirs and Gooners both came in with 6-5 records. Unfortunately for Gooners supporters everywhere, it is the Gophirs emerging victorious behind 192 total yards and a touchdown from Steven Jackson. The win all but clinches a playoff spot for the Gophirs and leaves Gooners needing a win to salvage a shot at defending their title.

The Bears defense helped the Gophirs cause with five takeaways and rookie Laurence Maroney scored on a short touchdown run. Coach Rob C was happy about making the playoff cut. "This isn't like the first few years when everyone made the playoffs," he said. "You can't suck and make the playoffs anymore. But thank goodness our league still rewards mediocrity." Indeed as the Gophirs have a winning record despite being 8th in point total.

For Gooners, Willis McGahee had two touchdown runs while Andre Johnson had a scoring reception. Unfortunately, the decision to start Jon Kitna instead of David Carr proved to be the difference between relaxing this week to worrying about their playoff future. "We need to find some more players in the January transfer window," said Coach Andy J. When told that this was American football and the season will be over by then, Andy was shocked. "Oh - I was hoping to buy LaDainian Tomlinson from Willie for like £50,000,000 with the loan I would have gotten from some Russian investor. Oh well, I guess I'll have to go with Plan B and just win with what I've got. I wish you could buy titles in the States like we can in England."

Looking back at "What if?"s, Andy could only wonder if he held on to Drew Brees instead of David Carr. "Well, I wasn't the only one that dropped him. But yeah, he'd look pretty good in a Gooners kit right now. I wonder if I can get him for about £10,000,000 right now."

I Pick Donte'..Again (11-1) 95.17 - the Jungernaut (2-10) 37.07

I didn't get a chance to comment on IPDA's lost last week. So here are my comments, HA HA HA! And the $1,000,000 prize remains unclaimed again. Think man, you could have paid for one year of college for Deric at USC with that money. Or do faculty get discounts? Anyway….

On to Week 12. IPDA got to play a team you want to play after a difficult loss - the hapless Jungernaut. It's a good thing Michael Vick can run the ball since his receivers have apparently forgotten how to catch his passes. Vick ran for 166 more yards to reach 870 on the season and Larry Johnson ran for 157 more with a touchdown as IPDA shellacked the Jungernaut into total submission.

Warrick Dunn and Todd Heap also scored while the Ravens defense cleaned out the Steelers offense's clock. The Edgar Allan Poes recorded nine sacks, three takeaways and a defensive touchdown. Of course, if Brent decided to start me at defense this week, he still would have won by 27 points so it's not like they were the difference.

The STFB asked IPDA Coach Brent L about the loss from Week 11. "I'm over it," he said. "It doesn't matter because I'm still stuck with the #1 seed and they always lose in the first round." When told that IPDA will enjoy a first-round bye, Brent said, "Geez, you have to be so technical. Fine, the #1 seed always loses the first game it plays. There, you happy Mr. Nitpicky?"

Any regrets about not finishing undefeated? "Yes, that I can't finish undefeated. Duh."

We couldn't reach Jungernaut Coach Byron J as he's on sabbatical. But I hope he's enjoying his sabbatical because now he has all the time in the world to think about the words I long to say every year at this time:

"Byron - you are now on the clock."

SBXL Champs (8-4) 91.23 - Ram Tuff part 2 (5-7) 42.44

The Thanksgiving weekend didn't start out so well as SBXL Coach David L watched his bench quarterback Tony Romo throw for 306 yards and five touchdowns while his starter, Trent Green, had 161 yards passing, no touchdowns and an interception. Good thing Ram Tuff stunk this week as SBXL won their fourth straight and handed Ram Tuff part deux a difficult loss.

Shaun Alexander carried the ball 40 times. Yes, 40 times and ran it for 201 yards. Looks good as Marques Colston missed this week to a sprained ankle. Meanwhile, Frank Gore continued his All-Pro caliber season with another 134 yards and a touchdown and Deuce McAllister had two touchdown runs. It could have been worse for Aaron L has David not only left 20 points on the bench with Romo but also 14.5 points on the bench with Devery Henderson who played Colston's role on Sunday with a 76-yard touchdown catch and run. Hey David - you have four good running backs - I think it's time to trade one for a quarterback. That'll complete the circle.

For RTP2, relying on the Colts passing game is never good when the Colts' running back scores four touchdowns. The triumvirate of Peyton Manning, Reggie Wayne and Marvin Harrison combined for only 17 points as Harrison had only one catch for eight yards. I thought he and Peyton were tight. Former Colts didn't fare much better as Edgerrin James continued his trek to being a 2007 third round pick with 25 yards and a lost fumble.

SBXL Coach David L could only wonder what might have been if people accepted all his trade proposals. "Come on! Just trade! It's only fantasy football. No one's going to get fired. If I had Shaun Alexander in the beginning, I'd be up there with Brent. And yes, I'm still all bent out of shape over the TD passes being only three points." Argh - not again.

As for Ram Tuff part 2 Coach Aaron L, again, he wasn't one to look back but look forward. "Eh, maybe Edgerrin at #4 overall wasn't such a good idea. But I got Donovan McNabb in the fifth round and I traded him right before he blew out his knee so I can't really complain about that." That's the spirit - look forward, not backwards. "Yes, so I can complain about stinkin' Andrei Kirlienko being hurt and not doing anything offensively anymore. Stupid Jazz being unselfish. But now that I've got Monta Ellis, I'm comin' back! Maisie - I'm comin' after you for 9th!"

www.hughhewitt.com (6-6) 73.27 - Brown Town Blues (4-8) 53.96

HH.com and Coach Warren C are still alive but barely. Brian Westbrook took advantage of Donovan McNabb's absence with 170 yards and a touchdown and Carson Palmer threw for three touchdowns as HH.com hangs in there by knocking off Brown Town Blues thereby eliminating what faint playoff hopes BTB harbored.

BTB did see 90 yards and a score from Ahman Green and another touchdown catch for Donald Driver. But it was an otherwise forgettable effort for the 2006 newcomer, Coach Bing Y. But hey, he does get rookie manager of the year at the year-end banquet at Y-Not in January by virtue of clinching the most points by any rookie manager. So what if he lost to fellow rookie Warren C. Chili cheese fries with grilled onions and tomatoes for all!

We asked the two league n00bs what they thought of their first year so far and what they learned from life in the Shark Tank. Warren said, "Always be prepared to give the reason for the hope that lies within you. And don't draft LaMont Jordan in round one and upset everyone by adding/dropping 20 times a week. I got better!"

What about BTB? Coach Bing Y said, "My entire draft was bad. I'm actually surprised that my team did so well. But an expansion team always struggles. I'm assured of a high pick next year so we'll look to improve for 2007. That and not drafting Packers players anymore."

Playoff Scenarios

Okay, here we go. Here is the playoff situation for each team.

I Pick Donte'..Again (11-1) - Has clinched the #1 seed, a first-round bye and home-field advantage throughout the playoffs. The title will go through Brent's crib… what? All games are played on neutral fields? Okay, never mind about the home-field advantage thing.

SBXL Champs (8-4) - Has clinched a playoff spot.

Can clinch the #2 seed and a first-round bye with a win over Brown Town Blues.

With a loss, can still win the #2 seed with a Dan loss to IPDA so long as Dan doesn't outscore SBXL by more than 87.29 points. Neither 7-5 team's point total is within striking range of winning the #2 seed. If both SBXL and Dan lose, the Pigskins would have to win and outscore SBXL by 99.73 points or the Gophirs would have to outscore SBXL by 150.95. So essentially, SBXL has all but clinched a #3 seed at worst.

Dan (8-4) - Has clinched a playoff spot.

Can clinch the #2 seed and a first-round bye with a win against IPDA and a loss by SBXL to Brown Town Blues. Hmm… not looking so probable.

Will have no worse than a #3 seed with a win. Could move up to #2 with a win and outscoring SBXL by 87.29 points.

Can fall to #4 with a loss AND if the winner of the Pigskins/Gophirs game makes up a 39.45 point or 63.67 point deficit respectively.

Cannot do worse than #4 and with the point differentials, still looks good for #3 even with a loss.

Flying pigskins (7-5) - Can clinch the #4 seed with a win over the Gophirs.

Can reach #3 with
(1) a win over the Gophirs AND
(2) a loss by Dan AND
(3) the Pigskins outscores Dan by 23.23 points.
Would finish no worse than #4 with a win.

With a loss, the only way they miss the playoffs is:
(1) a win by Gooners AND
(2) a win by HH.com AND
(3) HH.com outscores the Pigskins by 188.42 points.
In other words, has all but mathematically clinched a playoff spot.

Can still finish #5 with a loss if Gooners loses but can do no worse.

Ophir Gophirs (7-5) - Very similar to Flying pigskins above. Can clinch the #4 seed with a win over the Pigskins.

Can reach #3 with
(1) win over the Pigskins AND
(2) a loss by Dan AND
(3) the Gophirs outscores Dan by 63.67 points.
Would finish no worse than #4 with a win.

With a loss, the only way they miss the playoffs is:
(1) a win by Gooners AND
(2) a win by HH.com AND
(3) HH.com outscores the Gophirs by 164.21 points.
So yeah - he's all but in.

Can still finish #5 with a loss if Gooners falters but can do no worse.

Cambridge Gooners FC (6-6) - Okay, here is where things get really interesting.

Gooners needs to beat Ram Tuff part 2 to clinch a playoff spot. With a win, the only way they don't make the playoffs is if HH.com outscores them by 202.01 points. So basically, win and Gooners are in.

By winning, can reach as high as the #5 seed so long as:
(1) in a Pigskins victory, Pigskins don't outscore Gooners by 13.59 points OR
(2) in a Gophirs victory, Ophir doesn't outscore Gooners by 37.81 points.

With a Gooners loss, Ram Tuff part 2 would also sport a 6-7 record and Gooners would lose the tiebreaker on total points. So even with an HH.com loss to Blue, it would be impossible for Gooners to make the playoffs with a loss. So Andy - you better win.

www.hughhewitt.com (6-6) - Will clinch the #6 seed with a win over Blue AND a Gooners loss to Ram Tuff part 2. That's it.

With a loss to Blue in Week 12, the way the permutations work out, it would be impossible for HH.com to make the playoffs since if Gooners win, HH.com is out. If Gooners also lose to Ram Tuff part 2, there would be a four-way tie at 6-7 between the aforementioned four teams and HH.com is over 200 points behind to all of them.

Ram Tuff part 2 (5-7) - Still with a sliver of hope. To make the playoffs:
(1) must defeat Gooners AND
(2) Blue must defeat HH.com AND
(3a) Ram Tuff part 2 outscores Blue OR
(3b) Blue does not outscore Ram Tuff part 2 by more than 7.81 points.

That's it.

Blue (5-7) - Also with a sliver of hope. To make the playoffs:
(1) must defeat HH.com AND
(2) Ram Tuff part 2 must defeat Gooners AND
(3) Must outscore Ram Tuff part 2 by 7.82 points.

That's it. There ain't no other way.

Brown Town Blues (4-8) - Eliminated from playoff contention. With a win, could finish 8th or 9th with losses by Ram Tuff part 2 and/or Blue. But unlikely to move up due to the nearly 70 and 80 point deficits to the two teams immediately in front. So likely to finish 10th with a win.

With a loss, could drop to 11th if the Woodchucks defeat the Jungernaut AND Woodchucks outscore BTB by 15.08 points.

Woodchucks (3-9) - Eliminated from playoff contention. With a win over the Jungernaut, can move up to 10th (and out of the running for the Tomlinson/Johnson 2007 sweepstakes) if they outscore Brown Town Blues by 15.08 points. Otherwise, can do no worse than 11th unless the Jungernaut wins by more than 145.90 points.

the Jungernaut (2-10) - Eliminated from playoff contention. All but locked into last place unless they defeat the Woodchucks by 145.90 points. Like I said earlier: "Byron J, you are now on the clock."

Shark Tank Football - Week 10 - Smurfalicious!

Well, the pattern of mediocrity was broken in Week 10. As it worked out, all of the teams that went into Week 10 at 5-4 emerged victorious and now we have a five-way tie for second place. As a result, a two-game gap between the final playoff spot and the chasers has been opened. There are now four teams at 4-6 and with only three games to go before the playoffs, said four teams have much work to do to get a coveted spot in the championship bracket. But they still have a chance as next week, there will be two matchups featuring 6-4 teams meaning that there will be at least two teams falling to 6-5 next week keeping the door slightly ajar for the teams currently on the outside looking in.

Here is how life stacks up after Week 10:

Rk  Team                   W-L  Total    Avg  Strk
 1  I Pick Donte'..Again  10-0  906.87  90.69  W10
 2  SBXL Champs            6-4  813.71  81.37   W2
 3  Cambridge Gooners FC   6-4  754.84  75.48   W2
 4  Flying pigskins        6-4  697.49  69.75   W3
 5  Ophir Gophirs          6-4  695.52  69.55   W1
 6  Dan                    6-4  665.22  66.52   L1
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 7  Ram Tuff part 2        4-6  771.35  77.14   L2
 8  Blue                   4-6  724.71  72.47   L2
 9  Brown Town Blues       4-6  714.22  71.42   W2
10  www.hughhewitt.com     4-6  534.04  53.40   L2
11  Woodchucks             2-8  650.79  65.08   L4
12  the Jungernaut         2-8  561.90  56.19   L4

Since this is Week 10, this also means I'm still plum out of ideas. So I decided to pull out references from my childhood. After interviewing such luminaries as Kermit the Frog, Miss Piggy and the Swedish Chef, I found some old friends in some Portabella mushrooms I bought from Whole Foods. They're about the height of an apple and blue. Yup, the Smurfs.

Unfortunately with 100 smurfs plus the smurflings that (a) ruined the show and (b) put the number over 100, I couldn't possibly have put into contact with all of them. So whichever smurfs were available for a brief chat are the ones that commented. The smurfs don't play too much fantasy football. After all, there's no Football Smurf. Everyone's too busy to participating in the last bastion of true socialism doing their specialized tasks to play football. But I guess they enjoy it. Except for Brainy Smurf. I can't keep him away from me. But anyway, without further ado…

Cue the theme... you know how it goes. You can whistle along.

Ophir Gophirs (6-4) 55.07 - Ram Tuff part 2 (4-6) 52.31

Behind 133 yards and a touchdown from Steven Jackson and another stellar day by the Bears defense, the Gophirs took a big step towards a top-six finish with a narrow victory over Ram Tuff in a low-scoring affair.

With only 55 points and the Bears defense and Jackson combining for almost 30 of those points, contributions elsewhere were few and far between. Tom Brady had a typical smurfmanlike effort with 255 yards passing, a touchdown, a two-point conversion and an interception.

Meanwhile for Ram Tuff, despite having the Shark Tank's third highest aggregate point total, the loss dealt a severe blow to Aaron L's chances. Well, as Commissioner, it was his idea to only allow the top six this year into the playoffs so he was his own worst enemy. But not far behind were the Colts trio of Peyton Manning, Reggie Wayne and Marvin Harrison. With Manning completing short passes to tight ends and running backs, the trio were not as productive as usual. Rookie Wali Lundy did have a touchdown run but despite being a heavy favorite, Ram Tuff had to go back and hope that God tells Abraham to sacrifice Isaac and spare the Rams.

We thought it would be appropriate with such a mediocre result to start with Clumsy Smurf. Clumsy is one of the more popular smurf interviews because he is so clumsy which makes him like the common man or woman. "Sometimes the blind squirrel finds a nut," said Clumsy. "This was like the time I led Brainy Smurf after Brainy lost him glasses. Nobody trusted me but at least I got him home. Perhaps the Gophirs or Ram Tuff needs me to lead them around. They couldn't be any worse."

But again, Brainy Smurf couldn't keep his mouth shut. "Papa Smurf always says, 'When we play Smurfball to always catch the ball before we run with it." Just then, Hefty Smurf threw the ball and… well, let's just say that Clumsy has to lead Brainy around again until Papa Smurf can get some new glasses.

SBXL Champs (6-4) 92.56 - Dan (6-4) 52.35

The newly acquired Deuce McAllister ran for two touchdowns while Frank Gore ripped off a 61-yard touchdown run to lift SBXL to a big win over Team Dan and to buy him another week waiting for the return of Shaun Alexander.

Steve Smith added eight receptions for 149 yards and a touchdown. However, after trading tight end Marques Colston, SBXL's depth went up in smoke as eight-time Pro Bowler Tony Gonzalez sprained his shoulder and will miss some time. Heath Miller, who scored this week, was picked up to hold down the fort. T.J. Houshmandzadeh also suffered what appeared to be a concussion but will hopefully not miss any time.

For Team Dan, David Garrard looked like a good start against the Texans. Didn't work out that way. Garrard threw four interceptions though three of them were the result of deflections on dropped passes. Despite not starting, Rudi Johnson ran for a touchdown and rookie Maurice Jones-Drew also had a short touchdown scamper. But with Joe Horn injured again, Team Dan could not keep up with the high-powered SBXL Champs.

When the Shark Tank thinks of SBXL Champs, he can't help but thinking (a) passing touchdowns still aren't six points each and (b) of course, Grouchy Smurf! "I HATE that passing touchdowns are only three points," as Grouchy says with his arms crossed. But then he was asked about passing touchdowns being six points. "I HATE passing touchdowns being worth six points!" he repeated.

Hmm… it just seems I can't please you, Grouchy. "Fantasy football should be like old football before the forward pass. Football has just gotten worse since Knute Rockne started it. I HATE things in the air. Passing touchdowns should not count! Did the quarterback score? NO! So there! Hmph!" Well, there you go. Our final authority on the issue…

Except for Brainy. "Papa Smurf always says that we should always abide by the rules." Unfortunately for Brainy, Azrael was right behind him and ate him. But Azrael spit him out after he couldn't digest Brainy's glasses.

Cambridge Gooners FC (6-4) 69.58 - the Jungernaut (2-8) 53.30

The Shark Tank Bowl III champions are looking good for a chance to defend their title. After going crazy last week, Jevon Walker hit paydirt again and Ronnie Brown ran for a score before leaving with a minor groin injury (as if there is anything minor about a groin injury) as Gooners knocked off the Jungernaut in the High School Fellowship Leadership Derby.

The Jungernaut went on his sabbatical last week and apparently took his football team with him. Or perhaps more accurately, they decided to take their three month sabbatical from September to November. Badabing! They'll have plenty of time to rest now that they've been eliminated from playoff consideration.

Tiki Barber had 157 total yards but again failed to score. Thomas Jones had 30 carries for 113 yards and a touchdown. But Mark Brunell got the start over Matt Leinart and failed to produce while Leinart, despite another poor passing day, ran for a score. Randy Moss hasn't had much to work with this year and only had eight yards this week. Apparently he's smurfed out or something. Bryant Johnson was victimized by the return of Larry Fitzgerald and Leon Washington and Jeremy Shockey both failed to do anything. As a result, five starters netted fewer than 2.5 points. Definitely not smurferrific.

Man… what's that noise? Oh, it's just Harmony Smurf playing his trumpet. We all know how that sounds. I knew this would be a problem so I brought along 200 earplugs with me, one for me and 198 for the other 99 smurfs. The only way I could get him to stop is to talk to him which Papa Smurf made me king for.

We asked Harmony about the plight of the 2-8 last place Jungernaut. "What they need is beautiful music. Let me play Moonlight Sonata!" Argh. Fortunately, Hefty Smurf was toting has barbell while he was walking by. I accidentally stuck my foot out, Hefty tripped and the barbell flew smashed Harmony's trumpet right out of his mouth.

Hefty got kind of man at me. "Man, now what am I going to do?" Don't worry, Brainy is just behind me waiting to say something. "All right!" Without Hefty picked up Brainy and threw him into the new stocks that Handy Smurf just finished building.

"Papa Smurf always says that I should not be tortured unless I'm on a full stomach," Brainy said. Greedy Smurf then brought over a big dessert for Brainy. Unfortunately for Brainy, Greedy ate the whole thing before he could deliver it. Such is life in Smurfland.

Flying pigskins (6-4) 96.76 - Blue (4-6) 78.02

In the crazy-go-nuts game of the year with three players surpassing 27 points, it was the Pigskins with two of the three players to net themselves a critical win over a potentially dangerous Blue team that appears to be heading for an uphill battle just to qualify for the playoffs.

Chad Johnson had 11 receptions for 260 yards and two touchdowns including a 74-yard strike. Willie Parker ran the ball 22 times for 213 yards and two scores for a nifty 9.7 yards per carry. Despite the Pigskins leaving a lot of points on the bench between Brett Favre or Steve McNair instead of starting the formerly red-hot Damon Huard, Reggie Bush's first career rushing touchdown helped the Pigskins' cause.

For Blue, LaDainian Tomlinson had a smurftastic performance. Unfortunately, fantasy football games cannot be won with a one-man show. Tomlinson ran for 104 yards and four touchdowns and chipped in with an additional 54 yards through the air. Marion Barber also had a rushing touchdown and Hines Ward took a pass to the hizzy. But the difference was starting Eli Manning instead of Ben Roethlisberger. The lesson is to not start a QB against the Bears. Manning threw for only 121 yards and two picks. Meanwhile, Roethlisberger threw for 264 yards and three scores which resulted in a nearly 19-point swing that would have made the difference.

With three hot players being featured in this matchup, we came across Smurfette, the smurfiest smurf in the forest. Or maybe she's the ugliest. I mean, she is the only one. "It's hard to be the only cheerleader when there are all those hot smurfs around!" she complained. Have you seen Handy? Or Hefty? Or Vanity Smurf? They're all so dreamy! It's like having Tomlinson and Chad Johnson on the same team!"

Ummm… Vanity Smurf? The guy with the pink flower in his hat? "Well, he may look different but he's impeccably dressed, very kind and gentle and he always has a mirror around when I need to check my hair. In fact, I think Chad Johnson borrows that hand mirror to use when he practices his touchdown dances! So I think he's my kind of smurf! I smurf him!"

We asked Vanity Smurf for a response but he was too busy kissing his reflection in the mirror to notice us.

I Pick Donte'..Again (10-0) 74.80 - www.hughhewitt.com (4-6) 51.14

Donte' Stallworth made a triumphant return to the lineup with 6 catches for 139 yards including an 84-yard touchdown catch and run and despite leaving Philip Rivers and his 337 yards and three touchdowns on the bench for the error-prone Michael Vick, IPDA continues to march on towards an undefeated season by blowing past the outmanned HH.com who have now lost six of seven.

Coming into Week 10 averaging 90+ points per week, IPDA fell short of that. But Braylon Edwards and Larry Johnson also scored one touchdown apiece to move IPDA to 10-0. Next up on the schedule is Blue who are not to be underestimated.

As for HH.com, 3-0 and two transactions per day seemed so long ago. Hmm… maybe Coach Warren C should start adding and dropping more again. It seemed to work before…. As it is, Rex Grossman kept the team afloat with 246 yards passing and three touchdowns and Brian Westbrook had 150 yards from scrimmage. But starting two Patriots receivers against a stingy Jets defense was a fatal mistake as was playing the Chargers defense against a super high-powered Bengals offense.

One smurf that was enchanted with IPDA was our Painter Smurf. He was toting his palette, bow tie and beret. "Magnifique!" was all Painter could say about IPDA's record. "Ze team iz a master-peeza! I want to sculpt a statue of Deric L to put in front of ze stadium! Tres bien!"

Unfortunately for HH.com, Lazy Smurf came by the HH.com training compound this week to pass along a gift - a game plan to battle IPDA. Unfortunately, the gift came in a square yellow box with a pink ribbon and a fuse. "It's a smurfable surprise!" HH.com's receptionist was told. As soon as HH.com coach Warren C opened it up, it blew up in his face. I could hear Jokey Smurf still laughing about it in the distance.

But Papa Smurf had just freed Brainy Smurf from the locks soon enough for Brainy to complain that he wanted a gift. Brainy knew that Jokey had played his trick on him about a zillion times before but Brainy thought he could open it this time without it blowing up in his face. Well, now we know why Brainy wears those safety glasses.

Brown Town Blues (4-6) 78.52 - Woodchucks (2-8) 78.31

Woodchucks Coach Matt L closely watched DeShaun Foster on Monday night. Foster needed only 61 total yards or a touchdown to give Woodchucks their third win. As it was, Foster had only 13 carries for 48 yards and one catch for nine yards to fall four yards short as Brown Town Blues held on for the narrow win over the hard-luck Woodchucks. The loss eliminates Woodchucks from postseason play as they miss the playoffs for the second straight year.

Terrell Owens and Michael Jenkins each had touchdown receptions and Brandon Jacobs had two short touchdown runs to keep things close. The Eagles defense kept the Redskins to three points and returned an interception for a touchdown. Newly acquired Marques Colston did not disappoint as he hauled in 11 balls for 169 yards. But starting Jake Plummer over the hot Drew Brees proved fatal.

For the victorious Brown Town Blues, they keep their slim playoff hopes alive. Donald Driver had six catches for 191 yards including an 82-yard touchdown catch and run. Driver has now scored three times in four weeks and has exceeded 90 yards in three of those games. Muhsin Muhammad and Darrell Jackson added touchdown catches as well.

Just as we were wrapping up our stay here in the Smurf's village, we heard an evil laugh. Yes, it was the unmistakable cackle of Gargamel. "I hate smurfs!" was all he could say. It sounded like he may actually figure out the location of the forest. "Kind of like Woodchucks! They always seem to forget where the endzone is. You think that they would remember it when they found it but apparently, Papa Smurf casts a magic spell on them too! I'll get all of you if it's the last thing I ever do!"

Papa Smurf looks quite spry considering he's over 500 years old. We asked him to compare life mediating between 100 smurfs and the chemistry problems on these two sub-.500 teams. "Perhaps I need to make a magic potion for both of these teams' players to drink. It works for the many smurfs that get into trouble, I'm sure it will work for them."

When told that there are only three weeks left in the season, Papa Smurf recanted. "My mystical powers are only so great. I'm Karl Marx, not Gandalf the White."

Shark Tank Football - Week 9 - Post-Election Special

Sorry for the delay. As you've probably noticed, the Shark Tank Football Blog has very high standards of quality assurance. And when that quality isn't reached, well, it just means I'm too lazy to think of anything to write.

But yes, I was in New York City and honestly, the marathon was the least exciting thing that happened last week. You can read this author's Xanga page to see who else I ran into besides all the politicians I met on my short jaunt to Washington.

But anyway… another first Tuesday of November, another change in the winds of leadership in our fair country. Some people like change. Others don't. But life in the Shark Tank is as wavy as things get. Especially with the artificial current that's pumped into the tank. Oooh… look at all the artificial bubbles!

But there's no change at the top of the standings again. Brent's I Pick Donte'..Again continues their unprecedented run towards Shark Tank perfection. If they can win their next two games, they would have devoured every team in the Shark Tank once. At this point, the rest of the fish are looking for scraps. However, after Week 13, everyone moves into a new tank and there won't be a "reset" button.

The Week 9 standings:

Rk  Team                   W-L  Total    Avg  Strk
 1  I Pick Donte'..Again   9-0  832.07  92.45   W9
 2  Dan                    6-3  612.87  68.10   W1
 3  SBXL Champs            5-4  721.15  80.13   W1
 4  Cambridge Gooners FC   5-4  685.26  76.14   W1
 5  Ophir Gophirs          5-4  640.45  71.16   L1
 6  Flying pigskins        5-4  600.73  66.75   W2
--------------------------------------------------
 7  Ram Tuff part 2        4-5  719.04  79.89   L1
 8  Blue                   4-5  646.69  71.85   L1
 9  www.hughhewitt.com     4-5  482.90  53.66   L1
10  Brown Town Blues       3-6  635.70  70.63   W1
11  Woodchucks             2-7  572.48  63.61   L3
12  the Jungernaut         2-7  508.60  56.51   L3

So with the Democrats taking the House and Senate, the Shark Tank Football Blog has invited several political dignitaries to come in and share what they think of football, our country and life.

Dan (6-3) 81.04 - Ram Tuff part 2 (4-5) 75.08

Score yet another one for the new and improved Yahoo projections system as they missed Team Dan's total by two hundredths of a point. Despite receivers Joe Horn and Plaxico Burress being out of action due to being late injury scratches, Rudi Johnson and Alge Crumpler each scored while the Seahawks defense totaled nine sacks and registered a shutout as Team Dan regains sole possession of second place by edging Ram Tuff part 2 in Len Bowl XX.

Despite an All-Pro efforts from Peyton Manning who threw two touchdown passes to Marvin Harrison and Kevin Curtis catching his third touchdown pass in his last four outings, little help came from expected sources in what has to be considered a disappointing performance considering the injuries to Team Dan. Notably the vaunted Steelers defense got lit up by the Broncos and came close to putting up a red number.

We caught up with one of the Shark Tank's favorite regulars, the recently reelected governor of the State (and future American Commonwealth) of California, Mr. Arnold Schwarzenegger. The Governator gave us his thoughts on battles between brothers.

"Brothers should not be fighting over silly girlie things like fantasy football. I would think that since both Lens are now fathers they would understand that partisanship breaks families apart. Look at the State of Caulifournia. I put aside partisan bickering and have appointed high-ranking Democrats into high positions. And I am a Republican. But then again, if I didn't, Maria would not spend time with me so it's a balance. But the voters of Caulifournia have spoken and I can't wait to be recalled in two years and win another election after I impose new taxes."

We asked him what he thought of Burress and Horn missing last week's action. "Wide receivers are girlie men. Back spasms and strained groins never slowed me down in Mr. Olympia competitions. They just are little sticks that I can snap in two. Now Ram Tuff needs more hot-blooded Cuban, Puerto Ricans to go with the black people. Because they have, you know, the mix of black blood and Latino blood. Fantasy football needs more hot-blooded Latinos. Better yet, some non-girlie Austrian players would be great too."

SBXL Champs (5-4) 87.12 - the Jungernaut (2-7) 55.00

This time SBXL Champs scored almost 90 points and emerged victorious. Drew Brees, a trade throw-in substituting for the newly acquired Donovan McNabb, threw for 314 yards and three touchdowns while Marques Colston continues to stomp his way towards Rookie of the Year with another 123 yards receiving and a touchdown. T.J. Houshmandzadeh continues to piss Chad Johnson off by getting another touchdown pass and Tony Gonzalez caught two touchdown passes in the rout.

SBXL Coach David L has been trying to get the word out that Colston is actually pretty good. In fact, Colston is tied for the league lead in receiving touchdowns. Not bad for a seventh-round pick. "Colston is ranked 11th in fantasy points from an offensive player. And he's tight end eligible. And if his last name were 'Bush,' he'd be regarded higher." Only if his first name were Reggie and not George W.

Colston is tied with the Jungernaut's receiver Torry Holt. Unfortunately for the Jungernaut, Holt did not score this week although Tiki Barber crossed the goal line with the football for the first time this year. But there was little else to celebrate.

SBXL pulled off a fairly significant trade this past week as they dealt Colston, Brees and Tatum Bell to the Woodchucks for Deuce McAllister and the injured Shaun Alexander. This is a risk that SBXL felt they had to take. As we know in politics, some risks are worth taking and others aren't.

The STFB caught up with the outgoing Senator from Virginia, and along with this writer, a fellow Palos Verdes High School alumnus, George F. Allen, to comment on the trade. "I don't care for any of those players except for Brees because he's white."

Umm… Mr. Senator, I thought you had only allegedly used racist comments. "Well, I saw Avenue Q last week and apparently, 'Everyone's a Little Bit Racist.'"

Sure… but… "Now that I've conceded, I can concentrate on my Presidential bid in 2008!" Don't you think that this setback would hinder you? "Nope, my campaign has the momentum of a runaway freight train. Some voters respond to my integrity. Others are more impressed by my incorruptibility. Still others like my determination to lower taxes and the bureaucrats in the state capital can put that in their pipes and smoke it!

"That's why I'm so popular! It's all about popular!" Wrong show, buddy. Go Sea Kings.

Cambridge Gooners FC (5-4) 115.09 - Blue (4-5) 63.83

In a battle of .500 teams, it was Gooners' Javon Walker who caught two touchdown passes and ran for a third and amassed 206 yards from scrimmage to propel Gooners to an easy victory over Blue.

Roy Williams had 138 yards receiving and a score while Corey Dillon scored twice and the Jaguars defense racked up three picks and a touchdown.

Meanwhile for Blue, it was once again the LaDainian Tomlinson show. LT ran for 172 yards and three touchdowns. However, when one guy amasses almost half of your team's total points output and didn't pull off the Jerry Rice or Shaun Alexander five-TD game, you're going to lose. Hines Ward had 127 yards receiving but a critical fumble at the goal line didn't help Blue's cause.

Since Gooners are based in jolly ol' England, the Shark Tank decided to take a slight departure from embattled American politicians to talk with embattled British Prime Minister Tony Blair. We asked him about the differences between American football and football everywhere else. "We will always stand by our friends in America and support them no matter the cause," Mr. Blair said. Seeing how popular American football is in America, how about the idea of fantasy American football in Britain? "Hey, we Brits will gamble on anything. And if we can bet on American football we will. We want to be just like America in every way we can. That's how we show support."

Flying pigskins (5-4) 77.91 - www.hughhewitt.com (4-5) 48.72

After poor games the last two weeks, Willie Parker redeemed himself with 137 total yards and touchdowns both on the ground and by air and Joey Galloway caught two scoring passes as the Pigskins routed HH.com to move back over .500.

For HH.com, Rex Grossman had his second bad game in the last three weeks though he managed to stay out of the red numbers. Just barely. 210 yards passing with one score and three interceptions and a lost fumble netted a quarter of a point. However, two teammates, Bernard Berrian and Chad Jackson each joined Grossman in the minus-one (less than one) club. Jamal Lewis and the Chargers defense provided the only bright spots for HH.com as they dropped their fifth game out of their last six. This week, they get I Pick Donte'..Again. Oof.

Nancy Pelosi, the expected new Speaker of the House hails from that city by a body of water, San Francisco. And she promised changes in Congress. We had to ask her about the prospects of moving the local tackle football team away from the City by the Bay to the City by San Jose. We know local Santa Clara resident, Pigskins Coach Kalvin S was pretty pumped that there will be a big time team that will bring even more traffic and congestion into his neck of the woods.

But what about Ms. Pelosi? "When people think of the Bay, they think of San Francisco. It's not called 'Santa Clara Bay' or 'Fremont Bay' or 'San Jose Bay.' It's called "San Francisco Bay". Nobody leaves their heart in Santa Clara. And we need to get past the bipartisanship two-party politics and support the 49ers staying the city. We've already lost the Pigskins to Santa Clara, we don't need to lose the area's second most popular team too."

What about the Raiders? "Who?" the Speaker said.

Brown Town Blues (3-6) 68.98 - Ophir Gophirs (5-4) 40.88

In the upset of the week, Brown Town Blues snapped a three-game losing streak by upending the Gophirs and dropping them into the mass of humanity tied in third place. BTB did not have any huge performance but many steady ones. Marc Bulger threw for over 300 yards and a touchdown. Donald Driver, Clinton Portis and Mushin Muhammad all scored while the resurgent Ahman Green went over 100 yards rushing again.

As for Ophir, Steven Jackson went nuts as he totaled 219 yards and a touchdown. But he almost accounted for half of the Gophirs point total for the week. The Shark Tank "This Week Stinks" performance of the week goes to Tom Brady who threw an uncharacteristic four interceptions. An almost Grossman-like performance. Brady's damage? 2.11 points to the bad. Bad is right. Not that it would have made a difference this week.

Speaking of low scoring, the Shark Tank arranged an exit interview with, depending on who you ask, fired, resigned, ejected and/or puppet Secretary of State, Mr. Donald Rumsfeld, to see if he wanted to talk about fantasy football instead of his… err… the war in Iraq. However, just like the American public since President Bush's second term, we only ended up with Condoleeza Rice instead.

Finally, we found Mr. Rumsfeld hiding in a hole on the banks of the Potomac River, much like Saddam Hussein when he was found in that hole before capture. Mr. Rumsfeld refused to come out because he was afraid the nearby Naval Academy in Annapolis would start shooting at him. So we had to conduct our interview using two tin cans and a string.

We asked what he thought of the lower tier of teams in the league. "I don't know much about football. I don't know much about anything apparently. I do know that Osama bin Laden is hiding either in Afghanistan or Pakistan. Or some other country. Or he's dead. One of the above."

We then asked Mr. Rumsfeld to share his thoughts on the recent trade in the Shark Tank. "I don't do trades. I don't do diplomacy. I don't do numbers. I don't do foreign policy. I don't do quagmires. I don't do fantasy football."

Hmm… any thoughts on the game between Brown Town Blues and the Gophirs? "Contrary to popular opinion, Tom Brady would not have won the war in Iraq by himself." No argument there. You need a ground attack along with an aerial assault. Duh. If he had Michael Vick, then maybe.

I Pick Donte'..Again (9-0) 101.41 - Woodchucks (2-7) 52.55

Larry Johnson ran for 172 yards and a score and was disappointed in his performance. Kevin Jones chipped in another 140 total yards and two touchdowns as IPDA continued its march towards fantasy football and Shark Tank immortality with a nearly 50-point blowout over the hapless Woodchucks.

The Ravens defense continues to stockpile points as they forced three turnovers and scored another defensive touchdown. Warrick Dunn also found paydirt as IPDA hopes to move to 10-0 next week against HH.com.

Meanwhile, the Woodchucks' bad luck continued. Heck, it's been nonstop for the last two years. This week, the bye week blues caught up with Woodchucks as they were forced to leave three positions vacant. Those that did play did well. Jake Plummer threw three scoring passes and Terrell Owens scored again. However, this was part of Matt L's strategy for the week. "Look, if we're playing the best team in the league and I don't have to drop guys worth keeping, I may as well punt the week and try to go undefeated from here and sneak into the playoffs." Good luck, man.

With the Woodchucks' luck, now departed Shaun Alexander will probably go nuts and Marques Colston will tear his ACL and Drew Brees will tear his rotator cuff and labrum. Stay tuned.

Last but not least, we conducted an interview with President Bush to see what he thought of IPDA's perfect start. "I don't need know much about perfection," Bush guffawed. "But in all seriousness, I've welcomed many successful and championship teams here to the White House and most of them actually showed up. I'm eagerly awaiting my 'I Pick Donte' Again' #1 jersey from Coach Brent L. It'll go right next to the New York Liberty WNBA championship jerseys that I'll never wear."

What about the results of Election Day? "We must put aside partisanship politics and begin a new era of peaceful coexistence." Yeah, partisanship politics is why the Republicans lost. Oh, sorry to inject political commentary. In the interest of equal time, for the Democrats, I present Ted Kennedy. Okay, that's enough.

Any final words Mr. President? "I've impressed with the way all the teams have conducted themselves. They are models of true sportsmanship and ethical fair play. From top to bottom, watching the Shark Tank's fantasy football league shows what mediocrity could result from diplomacy and ethics. Karl Rove told me to say that one. What? Oh, that was off the record??"

Shark Tank Football - Week 8 - Celebrating the new NBA season

After a week off, the Shark Tank Football Blog is back. And now I'm in New York and finishing this silly recap filled with totally random thoughts. No editing done so if I offend anyone, well, you know I probably meant it.

The STFB is in mourning at the conclusion of baseball season, especially with such a crappy World Series and playoffs. Now there's no real baseball until April. So what are we left with? Well, I guess most of you guys like the NBA. I still like it but it's hard to compare the NBA now with that of the 80s. Remember when we hated the Celtics and Red Auerbach? The guy was a genius. The NBA is almost a victim of itself. But it is better than it was 5-10 years ago and a new season is upon us this week. So the STFB will meld two great fantasy sports together and see what comes out of the pot.

Here are the standings after Week 8's action:

Rk  Team                   W-L  Total    Avg  Strk
 1  I Pick Donte'..Again   8-0  730.66  91.33   W8
 2  Ophir Gophirs          5-3  599.57  74.95   W2
 3  Dan                    5-3  531.83  66.48   L1
 4  Ram Tuff part 2        4-4  643.96  80.50   W1
 5  SBXL Champs            4-4  634.03  79.25   L1
 6  Blue                   4-4  582.86  72.86   W3
--------------------------------------------------
 7  Cambridge Gooners FC   4-4  570.17  71.27   L1
 8  Flying pigskins        4-4  522.82  65.35   W1
 9  www.hughhewitt.com     4-4  434.18  54.27   W1
10  Brown Town Blues       2-6  566.72  70.84   L3
11  Woodchucks             2-6  519.93  64.99   L2
12  the Jungernaut         2-6  453.60  56.70   L2

After eight weeks, we finally had a trade! Dave's SBXL Champs and Aaron's Ram Tuff part 2 consummated a four-player deal. SBXL received Donovan McNabb and Drew Brees for Peyton Manning and rookie tailback Wali Lundy. After Week 8's results, advantage: Aaron. But long way to go, right?

Brent L's IPDA remains on track to go undefeated and with mediocre teams trading wins and losses, he has a virtual lock on a playoff spot. With the loss by Team Dan, IPDA enjoys a three-game lead. And looking ahead, IPDA has two winnable games against Woodchucks and hughhewitt.com before taking on the resurgent Blue. But that's later, this is now.

Ram Tuff part 2 (4-4) 117.56 - the Jungernaut (2-6) 49.39

After getting blown out last week, Aaron's Ram Tuff pounded Byron's Jungernaut. Ram Tuff goes against the typical fantasy strategy of having too many players from one team since that likely divides touches, carries, receptions, yards, touchdowns. That's all true but for the fact that the three players are part of football's most productive offenses. Peyton Manning threw for an efficient 345 yards and three touchdowns, all to Reggie Wayne. The triumvirate of Manning, Wayne and Marvin Harrison contributed over 50 fantasy points between them and would've knocked off the Jungernaut on their own.

But throw in 109 yards and a touchdown from former Colt Edgerrin James, a touchdown run from Julius Jones and a touchdown catch from Kellen Winslow made it a cakewalk for Ram Tuff. The Steelers defense had a solid game to contribute to the blowout. Mike Bell's big game from the bench was not needed.

Meanwhile, for the Jungernaut, their playoff hopes continue to fade with their second straight loss. Thomas Jones was a bright spot with 134 total yards and a score but feeble performances elsewhere doomed the Jungernaut.

So this is the part where I'm supposed to compare fantasy teams with their real-life NBA analogues. With Byron's team, he looks like, well, I hate to say it, the Knicks. Look at that team! Randy Moss, Torry Holt, Tiki Barber, Jeremy Shockey, Eric Moulds and Matt Leinart. A cast of overpaid, big time names not producing any discernable results because of chemistry issues. Moss and Shockey are the football version of Steve Francis and Stephon Marbury.

The STFB caught up with Knicks president, GM, head coach, trainer, towel boy and PA announcer Isiah Thomas for his thoughts. "I have one year to turn it around and this is the year. We got a great first round pick in Renaldo Balkman just like Tiki Barber was a great pick for the Jungernaut." Except that despite Barber still rushing for a lot of yards, has scored as many touchdowns this year as Balkman has - ZERO.

Coach Byron J said, "Don't worry, I've learned a lot from Isiah on how to run a team. Now that Tiki has announced his retirement, I'm ready to trade him and his cap space to Brent for Chris Henry and Stephen Gostkowski who will be productive players for us for the rest of the decade."

Meanwhile, Aaron's team looks great on paper and it looks like this trade should revitalize the franchise for a playoff run this year. So I compare them to the Houston Rockets - a team that added Shane Battier and Bonzi Wells. Ram Tuff added Manning and Lundy to give them a truly formidable team. However, they will only go as far as Manning, Wayne and Harrison can take them. Aaron said, "We just need to stay healthy. No bad backs like McGrady and no broken toes like Yao."

Battier, always good for a pithy non-cliched comment, added this. "Ram Tuff, like the Rockets, have a tremendous amount of ability and it all depends on the parts blending together like a nice chemical solution. Both the Rockets and Ram Tuff were like water and they added a little bit of acid to get a sustainable reaction as opposed water to acid when they experiment can blow up in the face. But we'll have to check in on SBXL Champs in a couple of weeks."

Though new Rocket Wells said on the record that his new two-year, $5 million deal was "not about the money and that he just wants to contribute," STFB saw him in the tunnel after a preseason game where Wells said, "Man, I can't believe I only got $5 million. I'm gonna play fo' myself this year!" The laboratory is now open.

Blue (4-4) 99.78 - SBXL Champs (4-4) 72.10

It really is hard to say who stinks worse. The Steelers losing to the Raiders despite the team with the commitment to excellence amassing the not-so-excellent total of 98 yards. But SBXL Champs fell victim to the suddenly surging Blue as both teams stand at 4-4. And now the question remains whether the trade of Manning and Lundy was worth McNabb who threw for only 161 yards.

For Blue, this focus of the mid-season surge is easy to spot. LaDainian Tomlinson, after a very slow start, has looked like, well, LaDainian Tomlinson and no other fantasy team may have so much of their result predicated on a single player. Tomlinson had 25 carries for 183 yards to go with three catches for 57 yards and altogether three touchdowns. Marion Barber chipped in with two fourth-quarter touchdowns to put the game away for who have now won three in a row after a 1-4 start. And after averaging only 45.82 points from Weeks 3-5, Blue has averaged 105.72 points each of the last three weeks. With numbers like that, if Blue makes the playoffs, they can potentially be a very dangerous opponent.

For SBXL, outside of runaway rookie of the year Marques Colston hauling in six more catches for 163 yards including 47-yard and 25-yard touchdown receptions. Too bad SBXL didn't pair up Drew Brees and Colston not that it would have dented the eventual final result.

Blue has one great players and a bunch of decent but unspectacular players. Kind of like the Lakers who many pundits don't even have making the playoffs this year. But after two games sans Kobe Bryant, the Lakers are not only 2-0 but they're playing basketball that's a heckuva lot more watchable than having Kobe take the ball and the other four guys standing around. Is there a better power forward in the West besides Ronny Turiaf not named Duncan, Gasol, Nowitzki, Brand, Stoudemire, Garnett, Martin, West, Randolph, Lewis, Boozer, Kirlienko or Swift? I think not.

And I think it's time to trade Kobe! Who's with me? He can take his #24 elsewhere! And no, I'm not a bitter owner of a #8 jersey. Really, I'm not.

Since Rochester hasn't been the home of an NBA team since the Royals left town for Cincinnati in 1957, I suppose we can use their current incarnation - the Sacramento Kings - as evidence for a team that looks great on paper but can't put it together. Actually, that's not fair to the Kings this year because, well, they don't look that great on paper. That Chris Webber trade ain't lookin' so bad now though, eh? Maybe more like the Kings of the early 2000s. Yeah, that's the ticket.

We may be lucky enough to see a Blue-SBXL rematch in the playoffs. It'll be the new Pacific Division rivalry! I can't wait to see T.J. Houshmandzadeh blow kisses to his wife like Doug Christie or Tony Gonzalez flop a pass interference call as well as Vlade Divac "takes" charging calls. Or Drew Brees playing the token white guy like Peja Stojakovic. Peyton Manning would've played Chris Webber as the perennial MVP candidate that can't win the big game. But now we'll see if he can't win the big game for Ram Tuff.

I Pick Donte'..Again (8-0) 111.81 - Brown Town Blues (2-6) 73.25

Larry Johnson scored four times and Michael Vick threw three more touchdown passes after four last week to pace IPDA to a convincing win over the scuffling Brown Town Blues. With five more games to go, IPDA appears to have a very realistic chance of going 13-0. Of course, now that I will mention this every week, I have undoubtedly put a curse on IPDA. They just better hope they lose before Week 13 instead of choking in the playoffs.

Chris Henry, scrapped off of the waiver wire after having his suspension lifted, made a sensational touchdown catch and the Ravens defense chalked up two more defensive touchdowns along with five turnovers and two sacks.

Obviously, the natural comparison for IPDA is the 1995-96 Chicago Bulls - simply dominating opponents en route to a historical season. And frankly, to compare them to an NBA team from this year would be foolish since no team has the look of an overwhelming juggernaut that will run roughshod over the Association.

The STFB visited Dennis (or is it Denise?) Rodman in his beachfront Newport Beach home to ask for his opinion on IPDA and fantasy football in general. But after seeing him dolled up in a halter top and hot pants, the STFB decided to look elsewhere for inspiration.

For BTB, another solid effort came up short against a stronger opponent. Ahman Green has started to prove his worth with this second consecutive fine performance. Green had two touchdowns and over 100 yards rushing while Marc Bulger threw for over 300 yards and two touchdowns. Receivers Muhsin Muhammad and Darrell Jackson continue their fine play but it wasn't enough.

BTB resembles the Bobcats or the Raptors. Teams that appear to suck (because, well, they do) but have a shot to beat opponents on good weeks. Since we just visited with Rodman, we visited new minority owner of the Bobcats, some dude named Jordan, what he thought. But nothing he ever says is worth quoting because he's so politically correct. They needed to put a microphone on Jordan during his playing days to hear all the trash talking he's doing. And now Tiger Woods is doing the same thing. Big Nike icons that never say anything worthwhile because they're so calculated. Boo for them.

Flying pigskins (4-4) 61.96 - Woodchucks (2-6) 39.79

In a battle of two rather sorry teams, Brett Favre threw one touchdown and kind of ran his way to another (if you've seen the highlight, you'll notice he ain't 24 anymore) and Willie Parker caught a TD pass to help the Pigskins to .500 record with a victory over the Woodchucks. Mr. Ocho Cinco, Chad Johnson, made good on his promise to catch a touchdown pass on Sunday.

Johnson has told Coach Kalvin S that he plans to do more touchdown celebrations again. Kalvin is used to this after having putting up with his "performances" last year. "I kind of like the dancing! Dancing means touchdowns!"

Fortunately for Woodchucks, help may be on the way as #1 pick Shaun Alexander is scheduled to be ready for Week 9. However, it may be too little and too late. Oh wait - he won't play. Yeah, it's over. Start the bus. DeShaun Foster scored the team's only touchdown as the vaunted Woodchucks receivers are victims to shoddy quarterback play.

The Pigskins resemble what the Hornets could be this year. Or maybe last year - a team that no one thought would do anything but ended up surprising everyone. For the Hornets, it was moving to a new city that was NBA-basketball hungry and it showed. Maybe there's an unknown intangible this year that's guiding the Pigskins to a playoff berth. Kalvin was hoping Reggie Bush would be his Chris Paul. Instead, he's the most expensive first-round decoy in fantasy football history. So I take that back. I guess it's like the Hawks picking Marvin Williams instead of Paul. Or the Pistons taking Darko Milicic before Dwyane Wade or Carmelo Anthony. Then again… who got the ring first? That's right! Our boy Darko!

While the Woodchucks probably won't be challenging the 1973 76ers that went 9-73, finding a comparison this year is tough. There don't appear to be any really sucky teams in the NBA. The Sonics and Blazers are probably the worst teams in the West and they aren't that or historically bad. In the East, the Knicks did win their first game. I guess the worst team on paper is probably the Raptors. But even they have Chris Bosh. The Hawks are pretty bad too. Let's go with the Hawks since by virtue of the first pick, the Woodchucks ended up with Shaun Alexander instead of Larry Johnson or LaDainian Tomlinson. Kind of like the Hawks did with Williams instead of Paul last year. That was dumb. And this year? Shelden Williams over Brandon Roy. Do the Hawks have some kind of man crush over ACC forwards with upside?

Well, Bruin fans will be happy to know that Cedric Bozeman made the team. He can bring that veteran leadership to a team that needs it. Man, Cedric Bozeman and Jamal Sampson. Two Mater Dei boys from the Class of 2001 that have made it big in the NBA.

And looking ahead to Week 9, Matt is the victim of the Bye Week Blues as half of his team gets the week off. So Brent, we'll see you next week at 9-0. And we'll see the Woodchucks in the draft lottery next year. We'll see which running back Matt picks that will inevitably get hurt in Week 2.

www.hughhewitt.com (4-4) 58.37 - Cambridge Gooners FC (4-4) 50.03

Thanks to a quiet game from Gooners tailback Corey Dillon, Gooners could not overcome their small deficit on Monday night as HH.com snapped their four game losing streak by edging Gooners in a pitchers' duel.

Rex Grossman was back on the plus side with 252 yards and three touchdown passes. The Chargers defense scored a touchdown and tallied three sacks and recovered a fumble. For Gooners, egads. David Carr did his best Grossman imitation has he threw for a whopping 113 yards and a pick before being mercifully benched. Rookie tight end Owen Daniels caught two touchdown passes and Andre Johnson and Jevon Walker also found the endzone but it wasn't nearly enough. Gooners was the victim of the bye-week blues.

It's nice to see so much serious activity from HH.com owner Warren C. He is the league's resident evangelist and political guru. Well, until next week when the Shark Tank Football Blog will have an Election Day recap! Too bad I don't watch TV and haven't seen any of the commercials. But every time I do turn on the news or something and don't skip the commercials on my DVR, I feel like I'm watching a Lotto drawing or a Casey Kasem countdown of the best songs of the 80s. No to 86. Yes to 84. No to 85. I have to say 84 was a great year for music - you had Prince's Purple Rain, Van Halen's Jump, Duran Duran's The Reflex and the Ghostbusters Theme. And Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney singing together. Outside of Top Gun, 1986 was kind of a down year.

But back to the NBA theme, when I think of a team that always starts out hot and cools off only to save themselves in the end, I think of the Pacers. Seems like every year, they get off to a flying start only to have guys get hurt, Ron Artest and Jermaine O'Neal getting suspended or some other calamity befalling them. This year, well, they don't look that good on paper. Artest for Stojakovic for Al Harrington. What a deal. With Rick Carlisle's defense, they may be the most unwatchable team in the NBA. Even the Grizzlies without Pau Gasol will be better despite Mike Fratello coaching. But I'm pretty sure the Pacers will win 45 games or so and make the playoffs.

As for Gooners FC, I look at the defending NBA champs, your Miami Heat. They'll just go on autopilot all year and then hit the switch near the home stretch. I can see Gooners are trying to pace themselves like they did last year with their lower half finish and rallying to win the title. That plan worked for them last year, why mess with history and success?

Ophir Gophirs (5-3) 77.24 - Dan (5-3) 62.50

Behind the golden arm of quarterback Tom Brady, the Gophirs erased a Sunday night deficit to rally and knock off Team Dan to move into a second-place tie with Dan. By virtue of their higher accumulated point total, the Gophirs would enjoy a first-round bye in the playoffs if the season ended today. But it doesn't. So too bad. And why do people always care what would happen if the "season ended today"?

Brady was near perfect as he threw for four touchdown passes and 372 yards in an MVP-caliber performance. Steven Jackson had 139 yards from scrimmage and Jason Witten hit paydirt for the first time this year. Add in the stout Bears defense and Gophirs are a deserving second place team.

For Team Dan, an average game by Brad Johnson may have helped. As it was, Plaxico Burress and Joe Horn both scored on touchdown catches. Alge Crumpler continues his hot recent play with his fourth touchdown catch in the last two weeks. However, due to byes and the injured Larry Fitzgerald, Dan was unable to overcome his shorthanded roster.

Gophirs have their brilliant superstar quarterback and a bunch of other guys. Sounds like the Cavaliers to me! Tom Brady is LeBron James! Well, except there's no Wise LeBron, Kid LeBron or Business LeBron. Although Brady has one ring for each of LeBron's alter egos. I looked at Business LeBron when he did that 2.5 pike into the pool. He had some bling on his hand but it wasn't no championship ring! The Gophirs are riding their one man team into second place and a solid chance at postseason play.

Meanwhile, Team Dan resembles the Jazz. I just don't see any big time players but a bunch of solid performers that work well as a team. Well, except the only white guy Dan has staring is Brad Johnson. Remember in the 80s and 90s where the Celtics and Jazz were whiter than Michael Jackson except for Robert Parish and Karl Malone? I suppose if you're gonna have your token black guy, he may as well be a Hall of Famer.

So let's roll out some NBA style midseason awards so far!

Chris Paul Rookie of the Year: Marques Colston, SBXL Champs
Right. And he's as much of a tight end as I am.

Steve Nash MVP: Michael Vick, I Pick Donte' Again
Yeah, so if his numbers aren't the best, he's the QB of an undefeated team. That's how the MVP works. Or wait… maybe that's only baseball… Or basketball as Nash evidenced again last year.

Grant Hill Award: Shaun Alexander, Woodchucks
Usually this goes to Fred Taylor or DeShaun Foster. Maybe Foster and Alexander can share the award since they share the same athletic trainer.

Jay Williams Motorcycle Wheelie Award: Ben Roethlisberger, drafted by SBXL Champs
Why the heck would you ride without a helmet? Seriously.

Larry Johnson Grandmama Award: Larry Johnson, I Pick Donte' Again
Just because.

Mark Madsen/M.L. Carr LVP Award: Tie - Shaun Alexander, Woodchucks and LaMont Jordan, drafted by HH.com
Wow - two first round picks. Both with nothing. But HH.com's loss is Gooners'… uh, loss?

Cedric Bozeman/Matt Barnes/Jason Kapono Team Achievement Award: SBXL Champs
Not since the Steve Lavin days of getting all his guys into the NBA in spite of his coaching has a team done so little with so much. Or getting beat despite scoring 90 points every week.

Phil Jackson Coach of the Year Award: Brent, I Pick Donte'.. Again
Now that's how you defend a championship.

Isiah Thomas Executive/Coach of the Year: Matt, Woodchucks
Two potential #1 picks in a row? That's talent.

David Stern League Most Important Person Award: The Shark Tank Football Blog
Just because you know I'm the king.