Special Thanks to Elijah for again penning this week's summaries. I added a few things, so don't blame him for all the mischief.
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Welcome to Week 12 of the Shark Tank - where I LOVE FOOTBALL and TWINS! And I LOVE YOU TOO!
This week marks week 12, with TWO games left before the playoffs begin. There is a heated battle for 8th place as three teams vie for the last playoff spot and the Sleepas try to stay afloat. Get your rosters ready, the real season is about to begin!
Grant Gophirs 62.16 - Liusers 50.08
Who knew that the return of Jake Plummer would ever be welcomed? The perennial underachiever has found new life on the Gophirs (10-1) and after three weeks of suckitude with third string QB Brian "I'm Not Bob" Griese, the Gophirs overcame an early deficit behind a long TD run by Kevan Barlow to clinch a first-place tie with their sixth straight win. Liusers (3-8) were let down by their wide receivers, who combined for 54 receiving yards and no touchdowns.
When asked about the receivers woes, both Randy Moss and Terry Glenn gave the same terse response. "Hey, we can't catch the stinkin ball unless the QB throws it to us." In fact, Moss and Glenn were seen arguing with liusers QB Chad Pennington on the sidelines during the final quarter. Moss then took out his frustrations on the offensive coordinator, child football prodigy, Deric Liu. Head Coach Brent Liu was not amused. "That is NO WAY to treat your superiors." When told that Deric was only about a year old, Brent replied, "Don't matter. These young players today don't know nuthin' about showing respect to their elders." Asked if Coach Liu was petitioning the front office to pick up recently available Keyshawn Johnson, Liu reportedly said, "I have a soft spot for Trojans--always have--but it comes down to this: show me the damn talent."
The Gophirs continue the beat as they rack up their sixth straight win. The team will most likely start preparations for the post season having clinched a share of the top seed. Coach Robert Chinn was last seen trying to add a special teams coordinator to join his offensive and defensive coordinators, Tyus and Natalie. When asked why Dax could not take over, Chinn responded, "Dax was too expensive for us. Money wasn't the issue but when a goldplated litterbox was required by Dax's agent Scooter, that crossed the line. Costco chicken, ok, but no gold in the sandbox. They tried to counter our extremely generous offer stating that Dax had the inside line on a pro-bowl caliber receiver, but we really weren't interested in Keyshawn Johnson, being a damn Trojan and all."
The Cough Drops, Presented by Ricola 52.24 - Football Team 42.21
Football Team's (8-3) six-game winning streak came to a halt thanks the Coughies' (7-4) stout defense. The difference in the two defenses provided the margin of victory. The win moved the Drops one win from Team in second place with two games remaining and extended their win streak to three games. However, the Drops will probably have to leapfrog Team because they are unlikely make up 80 point difference to win the second seed in the playoffs. When asked if the Drops are interested in the temporarily unemployed Keyshawn Johnson, Coach Len said, "What, didn't he already rip enough money off from the damned league?"
Football Team Coach Elijah Liao was diplomatic after the loss. "We've been really lucky this year. Almost as lucky as [Sleepas Coach] Aaron Len usually is. But apparently, some of the pixie dust that is usually pumped into his team's locker room had been blown into our locker room through the vents in Week 4 when we lost to them." When asked whether his team was looking forward to their showdown with the Gophirs, he was upset. "Ain't NOBODY ever looks ahead in this clubhouse. In fact, if anyone even mentioned the word 'Gophirs,' they would have to have their children babysat by Michael Jackson. That ensured no one on our team was overlooking the Cough Drops. Except maybe Key Johnson. Then again, I guess he's not really overlooking anything at all. Hey, Key, HOW'S THE DAMN WEATHER IN THE BAHAMAS?"
Stew's Crew 2 58.97 - Sleepas 48.75
Stew's Crew (6-5) moved above .500 since they were 3-2 after Week 5. Again, it was the leg of K Jeff Wilkins that provided the difference. The Sleepas (4-7), losers of five in a row now, are in danger of slipping out of the playoff picture. The team was let down by a host of mediocre performances. "Mediocre is how we define our team," said Sleepas Coach Aaron Len. "No one was terrible but no one was great. We're average. We're 4-7. Hmmm, maybe we're not average, since we're not even even. But we have to keep on working otherwise we will miss the playoffs. I mean, look at the standings! We have the EXACT same number of points as the Liusers. That's pretty embarrassing. It doesn't get much worse than that." When asked if his team is looking into picking up the recently downsized Keyshawn Johnson, Coach Liu asked, "Isn't he writing another book called, Just Give Me a Damn Job?"
Crew Coach Stewart Chang was feeling especially magnanimous this week to his team after his team's third win in their last four games. "I ordered everyone to go to Hawaii for a surf vacation. They deserved it. And I needed a break from those 18-hour days studying film and drawing up game plans." Crew QB Peyton Manning thought it was a nice gesture. "What a great coach. He's a players coach. We can talk to him about anything - football, law, literature, philosophy, body building, surfing. He really tries to relate to the players. And a Hawaiian vacation instead of practice just makes his the coolest coach in the world! Duuude." Coach Chang was questioned into several phone calls made to employment challenged Keyshawn Johnson and responded, "Duuuuude. What are you joking? Who needs another damned overpaid possession receiver?"
Bleed Blue 76.38 - Fumblers 75.07
In the best game of the week, Blue (5-6) eked out its fifth win over the hapless Fumblers (3-8) behind the workmanlike effort of RB Edgerrin James who had 160 yards from scrimmage and three scores. James feels he's finally healthy again. "I felt like I've been rehabbin' forever. I know I can still do it. And Coach showed a lot of confidence in me. I told him I needed 50 touches a game to be effective." Coach Willie Wang replied, "If we give him the ball 50 times a game, he will be rehabbin' forever. But it worked for us today." The Blue most likely secured for themselves a place in the postseason.
But Blue saved the biggest bombshell when it was announced former All-Pro bigmouth receiver Keyshawn Johnson had been deactivated for the rest of the season. "Officially, Key's position was simply eliminated. But, really we just didn't see to eye to ego," said Wang. "The team is always going to be more important than the player. And Key just didn't understand that. All he kept saying was 'Give me the damn ball.' After awhile, he just showed us his book. For my last birthday, he gave me an autographed copy of it, and that was the last straw. We showed him the damned door."
One would think Johnson would be livid upon being "fired" but appeared to take it in stride. On an interview aired last night on SportsCenter, Johnson seemed satisfied with his release. "That's fine. I'm just going to reevaluate things and decide what to do next year. Right now, I'm going to check out Alantis." Wang was upset seeing Key's smiling mug on TV. Wang said, "Key can go back to being what he does best - being Serena Williams' damn tennis ball."
Flying Pigskins 58.37 - Kitna Kaboodle 44.11
There was much rejoicing in the faraway land of Santa Clara when the Pigskins (3-8) snapped a five-game losing streak to defeat the reeling Kaboodle (6-5). Last week, WR Chad Johnson guaranteed that the Pigskins would win and he backed it up... sort of. He backed it up thanks to two TDs from WR/KR Peter Warrick and a huge game from Terrell Owens. "Whatever it takes, man," said Johnson. "I said it to motivate my teammates. We needed this win bad. But I won't be making anymore guarantees for awhile. Until we reach the Super Bowl. I'll see you guys in late December. Well, most of you guys. . .Key being the one exception. I hear he's headed towards NFL Europe after a stop in the Bahamas. Are the damned Claymores interested?"
The win moves the Flying Pigskins into a tie for the EIGHTH AND FINAL playoff spot. But Pigskins Coach Kalvin Sid wanted more than merely making the playoffs. "This team can win it all. The talent is there." The loss dropped the Kaboodle into a fourth place tie with Stew's Crew 2. "We'll be there in the end," said Kaboodle Coach Laurie Len. "We Lens are always around at the end. After the war that is the fantasy football season, you will see us Lens standing tall amidst the rubble of Sharks, Gophirs, Pigskins, surfers, and football teams. And, no, we will not be pursuing Keyshawn Johnson. Period," referring to the Fumblers' recently departed wideout, "He can find his own damn team."
Since only one owner submitted a waiver claim, the waiver priority is sort of . . .unneccessary.
