Shark Tank Football - Week 3 - Sponsored by Madden 2005

John Madden happened by the Shark Tank League office and helped present his insightful commentary for the games of Week 3.

Blue Power 95.17 - This Team Stinks 30.75

In one of the most pathetic team efforts in the long and storied history of Shark Tank Football, This Team Stinks (1-2) put up a paltry 30.75 total in a sound defeat at the hands of Blue Power (2-1).

Peyton Manning fired five touchdown passes in the first half and had coach Willie Wang touting his quarterback as the MVP. "The guy is spectacular. He puts the power in power. Otherwise, I just think of those stupid car dealer commercials that sound like the song from 'Ghostbusters'."

But game analyst and special guest John Madden was not impressed. "You see, Brett Favre is the MVP (link: five-minute audio clip of John Madden impersonator). How many touchdowns did Manning throw? Five, but how many in the second half. ZERO. But let's look at Brett Favre. How many TDs did he throw in the second half when things count more? TWO. And Manning had none. You see, Favre just looks for a green jersey and see the guy runs under the ball and BOOM!, he catches it. And that guy is nothing without Brett Favre. So Favre is the MVP until he can't walk or throw anymore. I mean, Favre can walk on water if he really wanted to. And that's what football and Brett Favre are all about."

Meanwhile, Stinks has hit a new low. No one on the team even scored a touchdown. Coach Elijah Liao was terse in his evaluation of his team and after losing Kellen Winslow and Charlie Garner for the season, he could only say, "I hate this team. But how about this pennant race? The Astros were 56-60 five weeks ago and now are 89-70. And they lost two key guys in Wade Miller and Andy Pettitte. Hey! We lost two guys. So, I mean, we could turn it around...."

Ophir Gophirs 77.26 - THE JUNGERNAUT 65.26

The name-changing curse inflicted the Itsarats last week and this week, the JUNGERNAUT (2-1) tempted fate and lost to the formerly winless Gophirs (1-2). The taunting probably didn't help appease the fantasy football gods eiher.

"Nice of Trent Green to show up," said a satisfied Rob Chinn. And Aaron Stecker graduated from Huggies with 106 yards and a touchdown. "He is now housebroken," said Chinn.

While Donovan F. McNabb had another stellar performance, his moonwalk celebration concerned coach Byron Jung. "I don't know if imitating Michael Jackson is such a good idea right now. I mean, Donovan is great with kids but I don't want any rumors to start." To that thought, McNabb just wanted to emulate the swagger of his head coach. "Coach was telling us all week that we're all that. So I just wanted to have some fun. I guess we should've spent more time practicing this week instead of practicing touchdown celeberations. It's too bad - we had a number where all 11 of us did a choreographed routine. We would have put synchronized swimmers to shame."

When asked about McNabb for MVP, Madden said, "He's just a great player. I mean, if you're the other team, you have to stop him. If you don't stop him, you'll lose. But is he better than Brett Favre? No. But Donovan McNabb just needs to keep being Donovan McNabb and the JUNGERNAUT will be fine. Then again, if he's someone else, then [guffaw] he's not Donovan McNabb anymore!"

The Itsarats 99.35 - unDaunted 77.82

Brett Favre and Terrell Owens got the Itsarats (2-1) back on the beam en route to a victory. The team decided not to change its name and it paid off in spades.

Daunte Culpepper and Randy also had an MVP-level performances but the lack of support from the team's role players prevented unDaunted from keeping up with the high-flying Itsarats.

Terrell Owens wanted to prove who the best WR in the Shark Tank was. "Who's the biggest shark? That would be T.O.!" proclaimed a jubilant Owens in the locker room. But Madden was still talking about Favre. "You see, Owens is great receiver. But Brett Favre only needs Owens because he wants to involve his teammates. I mean, Favre can throw it 60 yards and run under it and catch it himself but he wants to get other guys involved. And that's what an MVP is all about."

flying pigskins 118.43 - Portis for President 91.42

Running backs Jamal Lewis and Tiki Barber helped propel the surprising Flying Pigskins (2-1) atop the Shark Tank standings with a victory over Portis for President (1-2).

The Pigskins' defense also had a big game and Torry Holt, Hines Ward and Aaron Brooks each posted double-digit performances. "We're just playing good hard-nosed football right now," said Coach Kalvin Sid after the team's second consecutive game over 100 points. "Anytime I can beat one of the Lens, it's a good week. Last week, Aaron. This week, Dan. I'm looking forward to taking down Laurie this week. If I only played Lens, I'd be undefeated! When can Jamie start coaching? I need WINS!"

Portis for Prez coach Dan Len felt the insult toward his family name was uncalled for. "He's just discriminating against us. Just wait until the playoffs. Jamie will kick the flying pigskins into oblivion."

Madden was complementary of the pigskins' defense. "They've got great speed on that defense. In order to tackle guys, you have to be able to catch them first. And they put themselves in a good position to catch the other guys. I mean, [guffaw] they came out ready to play today! That's just great football and great football is great football."

Shazaam!! 107.79 - Just Stew It 101.17

Coach Aaron Len got into the win column. Rookie wideout Roy Williams scored twice to help Shazaam!! (1-2) to its first victory with a close win over Just Stew It (2-1). With the loss, this assures no team will go undefeated this year. The $1,000,000 DeShaun Foster UCLA Scholarship Fund going to any owner who goes undefeated will remain unclaimed for another year.

Shaun Alexander had three more touchdowns but came up short. And Kurt Warner could not work his magic for Just Stew It. The difference came when Tyrone Wheatley busted a 60-yard run but was caught from behind. Coach Stewart Chang was incensed. "He had a five-yard lead and he got caught. That was the difference. If he scores, we win. That's it. Stupid slow power running backs. We need to go to a vertical game."

Len was his typical content self after the game. "Even if we lost, it doesn't matter. We'd make the playoffs somehow anyway. But this is payback for all the bad rookies I've had the past few years. Williams is no Amp Lee but he's pretty good!"

The rookies provided a stark contrast: Williams' 21+ points and Rashaun Woods' zero. "That's the difference right there," said John Madden. "I mean, you have to score more points than the other team to win. And if you score fewer points than your opponent, you lose. And that's what football is all about."

Shark Tank Football - Week 2

Just Stew It 82.33 - This Team Stinks 77.97

A balanced attack and the heroics of the dreamy Tom Brady helped Just Stew It (2-0) to a slim victory over This Team Stinks (1-1).

Coach Stewart Chang lauded the exploits of his All-American quarterback. "Here's a joke I heard about Tom this week. 'Tom Brady walks into a bar. He doesn't walk out alone.' Okay, so it's not that funny but it's true. Tom Brady is the MAN."

Kevan Barlow's two touchdowns, Michael Vick's 100-yard rushing and Baltimore defense were not enough to keep Stinks undefeated. But David Terrell's negative output incensed his teammates. "If the guy just caught 30 yards worth of passes and ran in the direction he's supposed to run and held on to the stinkin ball, we would've won," said Coach Elijah Liao. "We tried to tell him to run in the right direction but he just got all confused and dropped the ball. In the words of my hero, Donald J. Trump, "You're FIRED."

Blue Power 77.39 - Ophir Gophirs 45.14

Blue Power (1-1) got off the schneid thanks to the performances Peyton Manning and Curtis F. Martin ("F" stands for freakin', of course) which paced Blue to an easy win over the hapless Gophirs (0-2).

Martin felt dissed after being drafted so low. "Man, I've run for almost 12,000 yards and ran for 1,300 last year. So I only scored two touchdowns. And I was like the 20th running back drafted? I tell you, nobody on this team gets no respect. We win the championship last year and people still think we're a fluke. I guarantee we'll win it again."

The Gophirs got shaky performances up and down the board but were devastated by an injury to first-round pick Deuce McAllister. This will place backup Aaron Stecker into duty for Week 3. "It's time to take off the diapers and grow up," said Coach Rob Chinn. Stecker was not happy about the comment. "I don't need no motivation. I don't need another grown man telling me to take my diapers off," said Stecker. "However, I hear the Huggies are on sale at Costco for the next two weeks with a coupon. Maybe Coach can stock up for his kids. And Jeremy Shockey."

50-year old Eddie George had a solid game but was relegated to the bench. Speaking of diapers, Coach Chinn was asked whether George wore boxers or briefs. Coach Chinn said, "Depends."

The Jungernauts 105.13 - unDaunted 70.94

In the surprise of the early 21st century, the Jungernauts moved to 2-0 with a convincing victory over unDaunted (1-1).

The Jungernauts got another standout performance from Donovan F. McNabb ("F" inserted courtesy of Brent Liu) and Warrick Dunn. Warrick Dunn? "Hey, we little guys have to stick together," said Coach Jung. Indeed, Dunn, who is listed as 5-9, 180 pounds but is really 5-4, 120 pounds, is towered over by the imposing figure of Coach Jung. "When he first got here, I thought he was our mascot. But when he fetched our water, I thought, 'This guy.... he's... he's... pretty fast!' So we put him in."

The combination of Daunte Culpepper and Randy Moss was productive but not enough to stop the undefeated Jungernauts. "I would have bet my 2005 pity pick that they wouldn't be 2-0," said a disappointed Laurie Len.

Flying Pigskins 111.31 - Shazaam! 106.94

In the highest scoring game of Week 2, Aaron Brooks led the Flying Pigskins (1-1) with three touchdown passes and Jamal Lewis hit paydirt twice as the Pigskins evened their record with a 111.31-106.94 win over Shazaam! (0-2).

Despite his breakout preformance, Brooks was asked, not about the game, but about his uncanny resemblance to comedian Martin Lawrence. Brooks suddenly exploded. "I ain't no Martin Lawrence! I just throw passes to stupid receivers that score stupid touchdowns to win stupid games that attract lots of attention." Receiver Torry Holt told Brooks, "I should jump over some more DBs and smack you upside the head."

Shazaam! was disappointed after intercepting Pigskins tailback DeShaun Foster's spankin' new Humvee. "I told Jerry Rice, since he wasn't doing anything on Sunday, to try to carjack that SUV that he heard Coach Sid sent to appease his star tailback. I thought by takin' away the bum's ride, he wouldn't play," said coach Aaron Len. "We tried, DANG IT, but it didn't work. We should've stopped the Pigskins team bus instead."

Shazaam did get solid performances from running backs Edgerrin James and Chris "Dickerson" Brown. But unfortunately, quarterback Matt Hasselbeck didn't play up to par. "I should've started Gannon. Especially since I now know he wasn't looking to throw to guys in their 40s. We could've won."

Portis for President 72.47 - The Itsarats 62.66

Teams that have changed names rarely have immediate success. The Washington Wizards nee Bullets haven't been to the NBA playoffs since changing their name. The St. John's athletic program recently changed their name from the Redmen to the Red Storm and what happens? Charges of frequenting strip clubs and sexual assault by their men's basketball team. The Vancouver Grizzlies moved to Memphis but retained their name despite the absence of bears in Tennessee. And they lure one of the best basketball executives in history and make the playoffs for the first time.

Coach Brent Liu decided to tempt fate by changing his team's name from the Liusers to the Itsarats and disaster struck. The Itsarats (1-1) lost nearly 50% of their point total from Week 1 to fall to the flying Portises (1-1) by the final of 72.47-62.66.

Liu said that he had a very practical reason for changing his team's name. "We weren't selling enough jerseys with the fans. Apparently a jersey that has 'Liusers' written across the front wasn't very popular. So we decided to change our team colors and give it a new look to make more money. And ultimately, the scoreboard isn't the result on the field but the bottom line off of it." Asked about tempting fate, Liu answered, "Hey! You mentioned the Grizzlies but the Tennessee Oilers became the Tennessee Flaming Thumbtacks and went 13-3 back-to-back and went to the Super Bowl. So it ain't all bad."

Priest Holmes was defrocked by a stingy Port for Prez defense as he was held to only 66 yards and one score. Other running backs for the Itsarats also struggled as Quentin Griffin and Rudi Johnson were severly limited in their production. Meanwhile, though Clinton Portis did not have his best game, Thomas Jones exploded with 152 yards and a touchdown and newly minted rookie Keary Colbert had a scoring reception.

Jones had a career day thanks to the new Itsarats uniforms. "For some reason, I don't think lavender is gonna be a very popular color with the fans. All I know is I don't want to be tackled by some guy wearing taffeta."

Season 2004, Week 1

Gophirs Collision Due to Green Might
This Team Stinks 71.71 – Ophir Gophirs 53.77

The Gophirs (0-1) held last year’s best record in the league partially due to Ahman Green. The same Ahman Green who ran from the Gophirs in the off season to This Team Stinks (1-0). The same Ahman Green who ran over the Gophirs in last Sunday’s opener. On 119 yards and three touchdowns, Green made roadkill of the Gophirs who were unable to move the ball against the stingy Stinks’ defense.

The Stinks’ defense also made short work of the Gophirs much ballyhooed ground game: Deuce McAllister, Travis Henry and Eddie George were held to no scores. The Gophir camp is already brimming with rumors that Trent Green’s performance and the disappointing running game has already soured the coaching staff on their chances to lead the Gophirs back into contention.

Conversely, Ahman Green’s continuance of dominance extending from last year have given many in Stinks Nation cause to dream of a possible Shark Bowl appearance. Sales of deodorant have skyrocketed in the Stinks’ hometown as sticks of Secret and Old Spice have begun to show up in the unlikeliest of places: taped to Stinks fans during games. "STINK STINK NO MO’" read one fans post game signage.


Daunte’s Inferno is Blue Flamed
Laurie’s Team 100.04 – Blue Power 91.98

In the opening round of their Shark Tank Bowl championship defense, Blue Power (0-1) was felled by Laurie’s Team (1-0) in an explosive match up. Laurie’s Team, behind the virtually unstoppable Daunte Culpepper, rolled to five touchdowns, touchdowns that were key in staying in front of Blue’s Payton Manning and Curtis Martin (196 yards rushing and two TDs). Manning’s heroics in keeping Blue in the game simply could not withstand the offensive tidal wave like onslaught that is Daunte to Randy—who himself was responsible for catching two of Culpepper’s short passes into the end zone.

The Blue are left to wondering if they are simply a one year wonder or if they are still suffering from let down after winning it all. Referring to last year’s 8-8 record, Blue’s Coach Willie Wang commented on the poor start, "I think that our secret is that we won’t peak too early. A few losses now and we’ll have them right where we want ‘em.



Presidential Campaign McNabbed by Jungernauts
Jungernaut 94.70 – Portis for President 66.36

A rejuvenated Donovan McNabb and the Jungernauts (1-0) pounded the Portis for President (0-1) with 330 yards and 4 touchdowns. Last season’s most disappointing quarterback opened the 2004 campaign determined to prove last season’s doubters wrong. "This one is for Brent" was the only comment given during the post game interview by the much maligned quarterback. The Portises were attacked not only from the air, but from the ground, with the Jungernaut’s LaDainian Tomlinson and Domanak Davis combining for 208 ground yards.

The surprising victory left Jungernaut fans, used to losing, with egg on their paper bagged faces. Many fans were not sure what to do when the final whistle sounded—some even angry. Indeed, some players themselves were at a loss during the post game interviews, well dressed Armani Toomer tried to express his feelings, "How does it feel? I’m not sure. If you ask me I guess it good…no, no, that’s not it. It feels weird. Yah, that’s it. It’s just…weird. Are you sure the game is over? So this is winning? I think I'm gonna be sick."


Shazaam! Liusers No Longer Losers
Liusers 108.55, Shazaam! 68.77

The Liusers are on a quest to prove that 2003 was a fluke as they began their worst-to-first 2004 campaign with a 108.55-68.77 shellacking of Shazaam!

Brett Favre, making his 15,982nd start in a row at QB was steady but it was new acquisitions Terrell Owens and Priest Holmes that provided the difference as each hit paydirt three times. "It is ironic that T.O. is my man after the horror that was Donovan McNabb," said Liusers coach Brent Liu.

Owens had a different take. "If T.O. could throw to T.O., T.O. would," Owens said. "But T.O. needs someone throw T.O. the rock. At least I have a brother throwin' me the rock that's overrated 'cos he's a brother instead of a guy that looks like a rat, and smells like a rat and is probably a rat."

Liusers backup QB Jeff Garcia, was not amused. "We're just startin' the season and T.O. has to create all this fuss and dissension. Besides, why is he accusing me? I ain't the one shakin' pompoms after scoring touchdowns. He's single, flamboyant, stylish and wears lycra warmups. But I'm happy he had a good game and we needed this win, yadda, yadda, yadda."

Shazaam! got contributions for Marshall Faulk and Edgerrin James who both went well over 100 yards rushing. Asked about his picks, coach Aaron Len was surprised. "Faulk and James? They're #1 and #2, baby! Wait... what? This isn't 1999?"


Flying Pigs, Skinned and Stewed
Just Stew It 103.16, flying pigskins 67.84

Controversy reigned supreme as Just Stew It's (1-0) lopsided victory was marred by the fact that coach Stewart Chang failed to play a rookie as required by the league constitution. Pigskins (0-1) coach Kalvin Sid demanded an explanation. "We should replay the game or better yet, they should forfeit for playing with an illegal roster."

Chang was contrite after the game. Speaking from his castle in Ireland or a chateau in France, Chang said, "I'm sorry. I want to apologize to my players, my coaching staff, my owners, my mother, my friends, my pet iguana and the dude I cut off on the freeway three weeks ago. But most importantly I want to apologize to the fans. It will never happen again." When asked about apologizing to the pigskins, Chang said, "You're kidding, right? This is FOOTBALL. This is war. You don't apologize to your stinkin' opponent. That shows weakness."

The Commissioner upheld the win due to the margin of victory that was provided by stellar performances by two-time Super Bowl MVP and all-around heartthrob Tom Brady, who threw for three touchdowns and Shaun Alexander who scored three times. However, Alexander has a bone bruise in his knee and may miss further action. "Serves him right," said an incensed Coach Sid. "The football gods frown upon rule-breakers."

The performance of Tiki Barber, the lone bright spot as he broke a 72-yard touchdown run for the pigskins, didn't make up for the loss of Anquan Boldin or the pathetic performance of DeShaun Foster. "Hey, my team didn't give me the SUV I was supposed to drive around in. How am I supposed to perform without my H2?"

The Commissioner’s Office reviewed the game in question and ruled in favor of upholding the current results. A terse press release from the Commissioner’s Office was released:

"It is not in the interests of the Shark Tank League to declare the game in forfeit. The game does not meet the necessary and required criteria for such a forfeiture nor does the game meet the standards for replaying contested games as established in the league’s bylaws and detailed in sections 20.4(all), 20.5(a) and 21.1(a) as enacted by the Rules Committee during the tri-annual league review, specifically the Rules Committee of 2003.

The final mitigating factor is that the Stew crushed the Pigskins so bad, I don’t know why they ain’t crying to their mommas instead."