Shark Tank Football - Week 6 - Presented by Dear Crabby

Another week, another wacky sequence of results in the Shark Tank. We had a Monday night comeback. We had a quarterback with six turnovers and a record low point total. And most importantly, Brent L's I Pick Donte' .. Again remained perfect and consolidated their lead in the standings while there is a large mass of mediocrity in the middle of the league. Each of the bottom three teams after Week 5 posted victories. The upshot is that nearly halfway through the season, IPDA appears to be in good shape and everyone else remains in uncertain limbo.

Here are the Week 6 standings:

Rk  Team                   W-L  Total    Avg  Strk
 1  I Pick Donte'..Again   6-0  516.27  86.04   W6
 2  Dan                    4-2  395.20  65.87   L1
 3  SBXL Champs            3-3  474.98  79.16   L2
 4  Ophir Gophirs          3-3  455.66  75.94   L1
 5  Ram Tuff part 2        3-3  452.51  75.42   W2
 6  Flying pigskins        3-3  433.21  72.20   W2
 7  Cambridge Gooners FC   3-3  431.69  71.95   L2
 8  www.hughhewitt.com     3-3  321.85  53.64   L3
 9  Brown Town Blues       2-4  423.40  70.57   L1
10  Woodchucks             2-4  415.86  69.31   W1
11  Blue                   2-4  360.66  60.11   W1
12  the Jungernaut         2-4  355.80  59.30   W1

So after a run of impressive celebrities ranging from cartoon characters, football announcers, writers and Muppets, the STFB has decided that it needs to branch out beyond the usual. We may make this a regular feature based on reader mailso we are going to be introducing our own advice columnist - not just on matters of fantasy football but also on life in general. Abigail Van Buren, the pseudonym of the former Dear Abby, has passed on and thus, passed on her column to her daughter. Ann Landers, Abby's sister, has also gone to that great advice column in the sky so we needed to find someone that would have the background and expertise in the field but also the wherewithal to deal with you guys and your problems.

So I introduce Crabby. Crabby doesn't have a last name and in fact, if you call her "Dear Crabby," she would be happy to answer you and all your football and life related questions. But don't take her too seriously. She's just trying to have fun at your expense. It's totally harmless and not at all a blow to your respective psyches. So let's get started.

Ram Tuff part 2 (3-3) 69.31 - www.hughhewitt.com (3-3) 18.10

Ram Tuff is now 2-0 since becoming a father as Reggie Brown scored two touchdowns and the Steelers defense had three interceptions including a touchdown to lead Ram Tuff to a convincing victory over fading HH.com.

Despite Ram Tuff's middling point total, HH.com pulled what is believed as the lowest scoring week in the history of Shark Tank Football. Rex Grossman, who was arguably having the best season of any quarterback, put together a legendary performance. He had only 148 yards passing, four interceptions and two lost fumbles. Six turnovers, baby! The damage? 8.77 points in the red. After starting the season with three straight close wins, HH.com has dropped three straight.

After the loss, Crabby found this in her inbox:

DEAR CRABBY: My quarterback had -8 points on the Monday night game. I've become quite accustomed to losing on Monday night but in the odd event that I'm actually ahead on Monday and my opponent doesn't have anyone playing on Monday, would it behoove me to bench my guys that are playing since I've already won? -- Worried Warren in Wedondo

DEAR WORRIED: I feel for you. But you may have actually stumbled onto something that presents a possible loophole in fantasy football rules. Not that I'm against loopholes. Loopholes are what make America great. You can get away with anything if there's no law against it. It's up to the government to close the loopholes. But you really shouldn't be worried. If this fantasy football thing is making you worried, you need to tell yourself that it's just fantasy football. It's not life and death. There isn't even dinner at Kincaid's on the line. By the by, I got a $20 coupon in the mail - anyone want it? It expires on Sunday and it's not like I can use it. Writing advice columns is a lonely profession. All I do is give and give. Where do I go for advice?

Anyway, perhaps in the future, fantasy football will require that rosters are locked, stocked and barreled at kickoff of the first game of the week to prevent such shenanigans in future seasons. Perhaps this should be called "The Grossman Rule." But Grossman Rule or not, 18 points for a week is pretty darn embarrassing. Shame on you.

Flying pigskins (3-3) 99.50 - Brown Town Blues (2-4) 68.00

Deion Branch and Willie Parker each hit paydirt twice, Travis Henry ran for 178 yards and a score and Matt Hasselbeck threw three scoring passes to lead Pigskins to their second straight win and a .500 record.

Clinton Portis also scored two touchdowns and despite his first interception of the year, Marc Bulger continued his steady play with 360 yards and three more touchdown tosses. But the rest of the team did not play to the level necessary to overtake the suddenly hot Pigskins. Also, after a big game last week, running back Michael Turner returned to his backup role and did not have a single carry which hurt BTB in their effort.

Crabby then fielded this question relating to fantasy sports in general:

DEAR CRABBY, I don't think the rest of my fantasy sports brethren understand me. They don't understand that I live 400 miles away and I try very hard to travel for drafts. But inevitably, I have to use a stupid list to draft. I feel like all the fun is taken away from me. Should I tell my friends to blow off or just kowtow to their every demand in terms of draft days and locations? -- NETTLED KAL IN NORTHERN CAL

DEAR NETTLED: I feel for you too. It's not unusual to have feelings of isolation. It's like when I was in school and none of my friends wanted to come and play with my dollhouse. Everyone wanted to go over to Elizabeth's to play. Well, I showed her! Now she's fat!

Ahem… anyway, Nettled, I suggest that there's a balance in between anger and total submission also known being "fantasy whipped." It's a problem I see in many fantasy sports athletes. The Internet has brought many people together but has also unintentionally torn others apart. So you'll just have to do what you think is best. That's some advice, eh?

As for the list, my gosh. Why do you spend time putting together your own list? Look at that Gophirs guy. When he uses a list, it's from an ESPN list. And when he uses it, he wins. When he trusts his own devices, he stinks. I think there's a lesson to be learned here. Darned if I know what it is.

Blue (2-4) 94.96 - Ophir Gophirs (3-3) 66.74

LaDainian Tomlinson finally broke out of his season long slump by running for four touchdowns and Antonio Gates chipped in with a 57-yard touchdown catch and run as Blue snapped a four-game losing skid by walloping the Gophirs. Kicker Neil Rackers added three field goals and a couple PATs although he should have made at least one more.

Ophir got a solid effort from quarterback Philip Rivers who threw for 334 yards and two scores and Steven Jackson had a combined 96 yards and a touchdown. However, the Gophirs knew they would be at a disadvantage going into this week with so many key players out because of the bye week. The STFB also noted that there was no rookie in the Gophirs lineup this week but "no harm, no foul" as Laurence Maroney could have easily been substituted in for Reggie Williams at the flex position. Besides, the Gophirs got waxed so why would Blue care?

In anticipation for Week 7, Crabby had to endure this e-mail:

DEAR CRABBY: Tom Brady is my only quarterback. But I'm having second thoughts about him. He's a nice enough guy but I feel that a guy that has won three Super Bowls should be more productive. Why can't he score 10 points every week like any other decent player? -- DISGRUNTLED ON GRANT

DEAR DISGRUNTLED: Umm… hello? Tom Brady is one of the most handsome, sexiest men around. He's a genuinely nice guy. Who cares how he plays?

Oh, right, you men always objectify your fantasy athletes. You have to realize that they are human beings too. They aren't defined by the number of touchdown passes they throw or the number of yards they accumulate. They are people that have real feelings. And for you to treat Tommy in this way is incredibly demeaning. I don't care if he averages five points a week or 20. There's a real person behind those statistics.

Now, if it were Daunte Culpepper, I'd be mad because he wasn't healthy even he said he was and he lost his job to Joey Harrington. And I used a high pick on him. What's up with that? Guys like Culpepper should be treated like a number because he hasn't done enough to justify statistically to justify human treatment. But Brady? Just sit back and enjoy his show. Same with Derek Jeter.

the Jungernaut (2-4) 101.19 - Dan (4-2) 55.80

It isn't very often when everything goes right on a team in fantasy football. When one guy excels, another player inevitably has a down game. Murphy's Law of Fantasy Sports is one of those principles that cannot be ignored.

But for Week 6, the Jungernaut had everyone working. Torry Holt had 154 yards and three touchdown catches, Tiki Barber ran for 185 yards and added 42 yards receiving, and tight end Jeremy Shockey had two touchdown receptions as the Jungernaut routed a short-handed Team Dan which had their three-game winning streak abruptly snapped.

Joe Horn finally got into the end zone as he had 110 yards receiving with two scores but results were otherwise few and far between for Team Dan who remained in sole possession in second place because everyone else immediately behind them also stumbled.

Murphy's Law of Fantasy Sports was the subject of this submission:

DEAR CRABBY: It seems like whenever I play a full complement of players, last week notwithstanding, I lose. But when I make a mistake and forget to put in all my players, I win. Could there be a corollary to Murphy's Law of Fantasy Sports (MLoFS) where when nothing that can go wrong will go right? -- BAFFLED BYRON

DEAR BAFFLED: MLoFS is one of those inalienable, unassailable rules that will persist through fantasy sports forever. It can't be helped. It won't be helped. Owners will get screwed no matter what and their cries of frustration will always remain.

But isn't that what makes fantasy sports so great? It's better than a romantic comedy. I mean, all that stuff that happens in between the beginning and the end is irrelevant because I'm still waiting for the first romantic comedy where the girl and the guy don't get together. The formula for a romantic comedy is simple: guy meets girl in some strange circumstance; there is dissension between guy and girl but with a tinge of romantic tension; and there is usually some seminal moment that guy and girl realize that they belong together. So what that in half of those movies, someone or both are cheating on someone else. It's true love, right?

But with fantasy sports, it's the true reality. None of these contrived things like romantic comedies. And who doesn't like romantic comedies? I mean, as long as you pretend you do in front of your significant other.

So is there a corollary to MLoFS? You try playing four guys down every week and tell me how many games you win! And then after you lose, you will tell me, "Man, I should've benched Rex Grossman instead!"

Woodchucks (2-4) 94.07 - SBXL Champs (3-3) 90.15

I had a write-up all done and this was my first line: "Woodchucks continue their impressive run to their second consecutive top draft pick as they drop their fifth straight to fall into sole possession of the Shark Tank cellar."

But that was before Anquan Boldin had 12 catches, 136 yards and a touchdown on Monday night to propel Woodchucks to a come from behind victory and a respite from their recent struggles. The much-maligned Terrell Owens had three touchdown receptions and Laveranues Coles had 106 yards and two more scores. The injury to top pick Shaun Alexander continues to significantly hamper the Woodchucks' ground game as DeShaun Foster and Deuce McAllister combined for 170 yards but no scores. However, the sun shined on Woodchucks come Tuesday morning.

SBXL saw Drew Brees throw for three touchdowns and the lethal receiving duo of Steve Smith and T.J. Houshmandzadeh combined for 291 yards receiving and two touchdowns. Running back Tatum Bell also had 94 total yards from scrimmage and a touchdown run. But Cedric Benson did not get enough opportunity on Monday night to compensate for Boldin's career game.

The victory rescued Woodchucks out of the Shark Tank basement and dropped SBXL Champs into a six-way tie for third place though hold the edge on points.

One letter discussed the lack of deal-making in this league.

DEAR CRABBY: All I've been trying to do all year is to make a trade. I live for trades. I buy stuff cheap from electronics stores and sell them for profit on eBay. And I want to do the same thing here. How can I get other people to join in on the trading fun? Is there a problem with me or is it everyone else? -- TRADER IN TORRANCE

DEAR TRADER: This is a different kind of isolation than I talked about earlier. That was geographic isolation. This appears to be more of an emotional isolation which may be an even more devastating feeling. And despite the physical presence of supposed comrades in fantasy football, there's a strong feeling of withdrawal and loneliness. And that's something you shouldn't have to feel. It's their problem, not yours. I mean, unless you expect someone to trade you their top 5 pick for two scrubs.

But to counter those feelings of loneliness, may I suggest that you take on a different passion? Fantasy sports is one of those competitive endeavors that may be more destructive than constructive. Perhaps it's high time that you take a break from ruthless competition and embrace love through a different activity. I hear stamping is quite popular these days. How about writing advice columns! Can't you feel that I care for all of my readers and I just want to share my love? CAN'T YOU? That Ann Landers has nothing on me.

I Pick Donte' .. Again (6-0) 97.65 - Cambridge Gooners FC (3-3) 87.61

In a battle of the last two Shark Tank Bowl champions, it was IPDA that remains undefeated and untied with another convincing win against a game Gooners squad who dropped their second straight match.

Coach Brent L, Mr. StatTracker himself, watched with glee as Kevin Jones ran for 127 yards and a score and Warrick Dunn rip off a 90-yard scoring run. Michael Vick and Chris Chambers also found paydirt to lead another big-time scoring performance as they take a two-game lead in the Shark Tank standings including a three game lead over the horde of a half-dozen teams tied for third for that all-important first-round bye in the playoffs.

Meanwhile, for Gooners, Roy Williams had 161 yards receiving and a score and Ronnie Brown chipped in with 127 yards rushing and a touchdown. Kicker Nate Kaeding had six PATs and two field goals and the Broncos defense had their turn dismantling the Oakland offense to the tune of four sacks, two takeaways and three points allowed. However, for the title holders, it wasn't enough as they fell to .500 after a 2-0 start.

Our final letter comes from an owner who isn't sure how he's supposed to feel.

DEAR CRABBY: I am 6-0 and feeling invincible. But at the same time, I want to remain humble and gracious to all my fellow owners. But I feel like that's living a lie. I'm freakin' 6-0, baby! Yeah! I feel that I have the right to be condescending to them. What do you think I should do? -- BULLETPROOF BRENT

DEAR BULLETPROOF: Dude! You're 6-0! Virtual high five!

Personally, I'm sick and tired of athletes being all dishonest. Thank goodness for punks like Albert Pujols who tell people that opposing pitchers aren't that good. That's honesty. But I can see your quandary as you are balancing two basic human virtues: honesty with graciousness. And clearly both are important.

My loyal readers know that I try to be honest without being insensitive and acutely blunt. And perhaps that's the tack you need to take. So perhaps, I would try saying something like this when you see them at church:

"I'm 6-0! But, you're doing well too - you've won twice already!"
"Honestly, my team is better than yours, but hey! Maybe you'll get lucky this week."

It's a real toughie, Bulletproof. I hate to take away from your self-confidence as long as it doesn't become unbearable pride. So may I also suggest that you just not say anything but wear a T-shirt that says, "I'm 6-0 and you're NOT!" That way, you can sound gracious when you speak to them with your voice but not shirk honesty by broadcasting how you truly feel. This way, you'll find that happy balance that we are all searching for in life.

Shark Tank Football - Week 5 - Presented by Statler and Waldorf

All right everyone, look. You guys HAVE to stop constantly changing team names. If you guys keep changing names, that's it for these summaries. I don't have the time or patience to regularly monitor and police this league for consistency. Even Kobe had to wait a year before he could change to #24. So from now on, any more team name changes have to go through me. Otherwise, I'm going to take my creative license elsewhere. Besides, at least if your team name changes were funny, I could deal with it.

Yes, I'm going all Statler and Waldorf on you guys. I've been spending a lot of time with those two guys that live on the balcony. After Cyprus routed the Republic of Ireland 5-2 this past weekend in Euro 2008 qualifying, the Irish Sun superimposed the Republic of Ireland football manager's head on Kermit the Frog's body. Man, was Kermit offended. For those of you too young to remember the Muppet Show, man, that's too bad. Fortunately, they're going to come out on DVD early next year. I hear getting the rights to all those David Cassidy and Carly Simon song performances was a bit mafan.

(Incidentally, the Irish Sun's headline today: How do you solve a problem like Korea? Man, that's some good stuff.)

So…

It's time to play some football
It's time to lift the fog
It's time to get things started on the Shark Tank Football Blog
It's time to throw some touchdowns
It's time to kick the dog
It's time to raise the curtain on the Shark Tank Football Blog

Why do we always come here
It's always such a bog
It's like a kind of torture
To have to read this blog

And now let's get things started
Why don't you get things started
It's time to get things started
On the most sensational inspirational celebrational Muppetational
This is what we call the Shark Tank Blog!

Here are the standings after Week 5:

Rk  Team                   W-L  Total    Avg  Strk
 1  Donte' Get Healthy!    5-0  418.62  83.72   W5
 2  Dan                    4-1  339.40  67.88   W3
 3  Ophir Gophirs          3-2  388.92  77.78   W2
 4  SBXL Slumps            3-2  384.83  76.97   L1
 5  Cambridge Gooners FC   3-2  343.88  68.78   L1
 6  www.evtales.com        3-2  303.75  60.75   L2
 7  Ram Tuff part 2        2-3  383.20  76.64   W1
 8  Brown Town Blues       2-3  355.40  71.08   W1
 9  Flying pigskins        2-3  333.71  66.74   W1
10  Woodchucks no chuck    1-4  321.79  64.36   L3
11  Blue                   1-4  264.70  52.94   L4
12  the Jungernaut         1-4  254.54  50.91   L1

But I did notice a disturbing development. I looked in horror as I saw advertisements on the fantasy football page. Not even Firefox's Adblock can get rid of them. What can you get for free nowadays?? The nerve of Yahoo! trying to make some money off good people like us. I think Miss Piggy is going to go postal on someone real soon.

Flying Pigskins (2-3) 89.71 - Cambridge Gooners FC (3-2) 52.56

Fred Taylor scored his once-a-year touchdown this week and former Heisman winner, future Heisman forfeiter Reggie Bush returned a punt for a touchdown and 16 points from kicker Robbie Gould gave the Pigskins a surprisingly comfortable victory against Gooners FC.

Gooners FC is arguably weakest at quarterback and this week, were forced to start Jon Kitna who tossed three picks. Solid efforts by kicker Nate Kaeding and the Patriots defense went to waste.

When asked about the performance of the two teams above, Statler and Waldorf were typically unreserved.

Statler: Man, there is nothing like great football.
Waldorf: And that was nothing like it.
Statler: And these seats are awful.
Waldorf: Why? Can't you see anything?
Statler: That's the problem. I can see everything.
Waldorf: I have a good mind to go home and not read this.
Statler: If you had a good mind, you wouldn't be watching and reading this in the first place.

Ophir Gophirs (4-1) 66.70 - www.evtales.com (3-2) 66.68

Perhaps Shark Tank newcomer Warren C is not aware of the curse of changing names. Every time a team makes a significant name change in the team mid-season, it results in serious misfortune to that team. Brent L was the victim of that several years ago when he changed his name every week and was finished 8th. But a new name for Warren C, evtales.com, brings about the same result with a loss the Gophirs by a 0.02 point margin. Or the equivalent of 10 inches rushing/receiving. Or the equivalent of a little over a yard passing.

Rob C rode the Bears defense to victory as they forced five turnovers, registered three sacks and allowed only seven points. That made up for a lackluster offensive performance. While Tom Brady steadied on with two touchdown passes and Reggie Williams had a long scoring catch, the rest of the offense sleepwalked on Sunday.

evtales.com got contributions from Rex Grossman who continues to impress with a pair of touchdown tosses and big-play receiver Bernard Berrian was on the business end of one of those Grossman deliveries. While Brian Westbrook combined for 86 yards and a score, the absence of rookie Chad Jackson, who caught two balls for nine yards last week, killed evt.com's chances.

Statler and Waldorf would have commented on the closeness of the final score but they really couldn't get past the lousy low point totals.

Statler: What does "bork-bork-bork" mean?
Waldorf: That's the Swedish Chef telling them to stop playing like chickens.
Statler: That number they scored scared the pants off of me.
Waldorf: You sure you didn't just forget to put them on?
Statler: Well, maybe we'll be entertained reading this week's blog.
Waldorf: Yes, I turned off my pop-up blocker!

Dan (4-1) 70.82 - Blue (1-4) 41.40

The other rookie Los Angeles-based college running back Maurice Jones-Drew ran for two touchdowns and Chester Taylor chipped in with 154 total yards as Team Dan moves into sole possession of second place with a victory over reeling Blue. However, Dan was dealt a minor blow as the Shark Tank Football Blog has learned that star received Larry Fitzgerald will miss the next two weeks with a hamstring injury.

Blue was unable to recover from last week's debacle as only Eli Manning and Antonio Gates contributed anything of significance to Blue's cause as they have only averaged 45.82 points over the last three weeks. Without a quick and remarkable turnaround, Blue will be on the outside of the playoffs looking in for the second straight year.

Statler and Waldorf commented on the plight of Blue.

Statler: You know, Blue just gets better with age.
Waldorf: Really? Because their team plays better?
Statler: No, because my eyesight gets worse!
Waldorf: But you have to give them credit for trying.
Statler: Why's that?
Waldorf: Well, they're going to keep on trying to play until they get it right.

Ram Tuff part 2 (2-3) 77.19 - Woodchucks no chuck (1-4) 62.52

Speaking of sliding, Woodchucks no chuck continues to struggle since clamoring for this two-bit writer to start summarizing the games and giving him the keys to the car. Perhaps he also should give the writer the keys to his team. Ram Tuff celebrate baby Allison's first week with a convincing win over the hapless Woodchucks.

Ram Tuff received another big game from Donovan McNabb with 354 yards passing, two touchdowns passing and another running. Meanwhile, Reggie Brown caught one of McNabb's touchdown throws and there were consistent 7-8 point performances from almost everyone else which is a sign for a winner.

Deuce McAllister continues to keep Reggie Bush's carries to a minimum as he ran for 123 yards and a touchdown and Anquan Boldin caught a touchdown pass for the first time since Week 1. Obviously, it's because the previous quarterback sucked. Ahem. However, keeping the Eagles defense on the bench turned out to be a huge tactical error as they outpointed the Colts defense by 18 points. Yes, Murphy's Law of Fantasy Sports still controls all.

Meanwhile, Statler and Waldorf, after dissing Blue, now turned their attention to Woodchucks no chuck.

Statler: The way Woodchucks played seemed like something very different.
Waldorf: Did you like it?
Statler: No.
Waldorf: Then it wasn't very different.
Statler: Well, that game made me feel all nostalgic?
Waldorf: What did it remind you of?
Statler: DDT and Thalidomide.

Brown Town Blues (2-3) 63.64 - the Jungernaut (1-4) 60.28

After a miracle win last week, the Jungernaut were hoping to build upon that success against Brown Town Blues, who shared their 1-3 record. Unfortunately, the Jungernaut avoided last week's winning strategy by fielding a full lineup this week and narrowly fell to Brown Town Blues who won their second game in their last three weeks.

Marc Bulger continues his renaissance with 220 yards passing and two touchdowns and Greg Jennings has emerged as he had another solid performance with 105 yards receiving and a score. Carnell "Cadillac" Williams finally had a 100-yard day and the Panthers defense had three takeaways and a defensive touchdown.

Meanwhile, it's back to the drawing board for the Jungernaut. After leaving four empty spots on their roster en route to victory over Blue last week, the fantasy football gods were not on Byron J's side in Week 5. Torry Holt and Randy Moss each had touchdown catches (man, that would have been a great combo five years ago) though Moss flat-out dropped another but outstanding efforts from running backs Tiki Barber, Thomas Jones and rookie Leon Washington resulted in three 100-yard games but zero touchdowns. That and not inserting Matt Leinart who had two touchdowns in his starting debut instead of Charlie Frye who put up a red number (great in golf, bad in everything else) triggered the downfall for the Jungernaut who had no players reach double figures.

Another close game really made Statler and Waldorf emotional.

Waldorf: This game really brought a tear to my eye.
Statler: Really?
Waldorf: Yeah, I'm sitting on a thumbtack.
Statler: Well, at least this blog is really moving quickly this week.
Waldorf: Yes, someone must have told them that it's harder to hit a moving target.

Donte' Get Healthy! (5-0) 67.16 - SBXL Slumps (3-2) 52.68

Larry Johnson had 142 total yards and a touchdown before leaving with a neck injury after dirty play by SBXL's defense and Keyshawn Johnson had a touchdown reception as DGH remained undefeated and untied with a victory over the Slumps who didn't come close to their average point total over the first four weeks.

The Slumps changed their name and lost. Frank Gore continues to give great value for the Slumps with 172 total yards but continued modest performances by the usually spectacular Peyton Manning (only 166 yards and only two touchdown passes) gives Coach David L grave concern. That and whether the clock has struck midnight, the bubble has burst, Elvis has left the building for rookie receiver Marques Colston who only had 38 yards. That and the Slumps had the ignominious privilege to watch the Steelers get schooled in person by the Chargers who ran all over them with Michael Turner… who incidentally, was just dropped by fantasy football day-trader Warren C.

Waldorf: Wow, watching these two teams is really entertaining.
Statler: It sure is. Are we in the right fantasy league?
Waldorf: But just when you think this game is terrible, something truly wonderful happens.
Statler: What's that?
Waldorf: It ends.

But the Shark Tank Football Blog believes the biggest story of the week is that it appears that DGH Coach Brent L is either a supernerd who is meticulously adding up point totals by hand on Sunday night (not just on his own game but on games of his competitors) or he actually shelled out the $10… err… $9.99 for StatTracker®. The cat was let out of the bag based on a post at 8:30 p.m. on Sunday night when Brent commented on the score between Rob and Warren's tilt, well before the usual Monday morning 1:00 a.m. update. That raised the STFB's eyebrows. But this week in review is long enough as it is so we leave it to Statler and Waldorf to present their final thoughts.

Statler: You know Waldorf, the older I get, the more I appreciate good football.
Waldorf: What's that got to do with what we just saw?
Statler: Nothing, I just thought I'd mention it.
Waldorf: Ugh! But this week's blog was just awful.
Statler: Hideous!
Waldorf: Terrible!
Statler: Unreadable!
Waldorf: … See you next week?
Statler: Of course.

Shark Tank Football Week 4 - Presented by William "Bill" Shakespeare Simmons

First off, a hearty Shark Tank Football Blog congratulations to Aaron and Tiffany for the birth of their daughter Allison early Monday morning. Man, just missed Tiff and Tanya's birthday by a day. That would've been an interesting day every year. But now, we have an extra person that could play in fantasy leagues in case we have an odd number. She'd probably give each of you guys a beatdown right now.

But on to the matter at hand. Many of you are readers of Bill Simmons' work on ESPN.com Page 2. The Shark Tank Blog is nowhere near Simmons on the pop culture meter. I don't know any pop culture. I mean, the last movie I saw in a theatre was "Passion of the Christ." And I don't watch much TV. And most of you guys wouldn't get any Gilmore Girls jokes I'd do.

So I decided, what from pop culture is time-tested? And of course, we came up with Willie Shakespeare! And Simmons, when not talking about the Ewing Theory or ripping Alex Rodriguez or overly obsessing over anything Bostonian, surprisingly is down with Willie the Bard! So we asked him to drop by and treat us with his unique brand of wit… or witlessness.

As usual, we first present the standings. Here they are after Week 4's action:

Rk  Team                   W-L  Total    Avg  Strk
 1  I Pick Donte'.. Again  4-0  351.46  87.87   W4
 2  SBXL Chumps            3-1  332.15  83.04   W3
 3  Cambridge Gooners FC   3-1  291.32  72.83   W1
 4  Dan                    3-1  268.58  67.15   W2
 5  www.hughhewitt.com     3-1  237.07  59.27   L1
 6  Ophir Gophirs          2-2  322.22  80.56   W1
 7  Ram Tuff part 2        1-3  306.01  76.50   L3
 8  Brown Town Blues       1-3  291.76  72.94   L1
 9  Woodchucks             1-3  259.27  64.82   L2
10  Flying pigskins        1-3  244.00  61.00   L1
11  Blue                   1-3  223.57  55.90   L3
12  the Jungernaut         1-3  194.26  48.57   W1

I Pick Donte' .. Again (4-0) 97.83 - Ram Tuff part 2 (1-3) 75.39

IPDA showed no mercy to the new daddy as Larry Johnson ran for 101 yards and two touchdowns and Kevin Jones added two more as IPDA ran roughshod over Ram Tuff to remain undefeated. Michael Vick added his third 100-yard rushing game of the season to offset a subpar passing performance.

For Ram Tuff, on Sunday Julius Jones scored twice and on Monday night, Donovan McNabb led a furious rally by throwing for two touchdowns and running for two more. But it wasn't enough to prevent Ram Tuff from dropping their third straight after an opening week victory.

Simmons was asked to compare and contrast the dual feelings that Aaron L must be feeling this week. "He's obviously very happy but probably sad that his team lost. It's like when I was with my dad and I were watching the Celtics in the Eastern Conference Finals in 2002. We liked our team but we knew we weren't that good. You were just hoping that the team wouldn't do something stupid.

"You want to like Antoine Walker and Paul Pierce because they were like Mark Antony and Octavius in Julius Caesar. Guys that could come up big and rally the troops. Unfortunately, they had their own Cassius and Brutus in Kenny Anderson and Walter McCarty that did their best to kill our team leaders. That and Joe Johnson was our soothsayer, 'Beware of the Ides of March. And trading me to the Suns.'

"We also had Joe Forte who was more like Cleopatra. Did I mention that we could've drafted Tony Parker or Gilbert Arenas? And we traded JJ for Rodney Rogers and Tony Delk after half a season? At least he was traded before March 15 so his prediction didn't come true. Not good times. Kill me now. But yes, congratulations to Aaron and Tiff. Hopefully your Lakers will suck this year."

SBXL Chumps (3-1) 77.29 - Flying pigskins (1-3) 52.04

Our Yahoo shout-out to the goes to the prediction for the Chumps as Yahoo came within an eyelash from correctly predicting their total. Yahoo could not have predicted Peyton Manning's second rushing touchdown in as many weeks as he scored on a quarterback sneak and rookie Marques Colston's fourth big game in a row. Damian Rhodes and Steve Smith both scored to pace the Chumps to the easy victory over the Pigskins.

Flying pigskins were led by surprise starter Mike Furrey who had 82 yards and two touchdowns. Unfortunately, Matt Hasselbeck got the starting nod instead of Mark Brunell and that cost the Pigskins about 13 points which proved too much to overcome.

Chumps Coach David L has a love-hate relationship with his players and has become a believer in the Ewing Theory. "Look, we dropped our Super Bowl winning quarterback in Ben Roethlisberger and ever since, we can't be stopped! And we have Colston making "The Leap." We won't be stopped even though my players still drive me crazy."

Simmons noted the similarity between previous Ewing Theory success stories and the Chumps but noted one difference. "The Chumps have Peyton Manning, the biggest big-game choke loser quarterback since Jim Kelly. He'll never win the big game. Compare him to Tom Brady. Brady owns Manning like Iago owned Othello."

Speaking of Othello, Simmons was asked to draw further comparisons between the evil cunning of Iago and fantasy football. "You have to be devious to win. You need to look for every edge you can get. If I were in a draft with my buddy Biff, I'd still tell him, 'Hey, Yao Ming got arrested in Shanghai for making too much money and he can't get out of the country' or 'Grant Hill broke his leg after slipping on an errant Netflix envelope' or 'Zach Randolph was busted for DUI… okay, that last one may be true.' But you need an edge.

"Sometimes we're like Othello - paranoid of our fantasy players running off for another team even though they're still faithful. Sometimes we're like Desdemona - blindly devoted to our star players even though something's wrong with them. Sometimes we're like Cassio - we're in love with a player we know we'll never have and will never have traded to us. And sometimes we're like Emilia - being used by other owners in their devious schemes. Being Iago is real life is bad like trying to overthrow three people at once but in fantasy football, it's okay because no one gets hurt. Good times!"

Ophir Gophirs (2-2) 123.03 - Woodchucks (1-3) 79.23

The Gophirs had no one left on their bench and Coach Rob C just played whomever he had available. It turned out to result in the highest scoring week so far in the Shark Tank. Santana Moss caught four passes for 138 yards and three touchdowns as the Gophirs routed the Woodchucks.

Rookie Laurence Maroney ran for 125 yards and two touchdowns, Kevan Barlow also scored twice and Doug Gabriel and Stephen Jackson chipped in with one touchdown apiece. That and the stout Chicago defense contributed to the nearly 50-point victory.

Rob said the team never lost its focus. "Even though we were starting ten guys a day in our fantasy baseball league, the team on the football field was never distracted. So they get all the credit. My pitchers though? They stink," as the Gophirs fell just short of their second baseball title in three years.

Woodchucks got two touchdown catches from Terry Glenn and a nice effort from DeShaun Foster but they could not keep up with the high-flying Gophirs.

Coach Matt L wondered aloud why his team doesn't get any respect? Simmons wasn't afraid to answer. "Because your team sucks worse than the Celtics did under Rick Pitino. Can you believe that guy was a good coach? He was like Macbeth. Or Lady Macbeth. All he did was screw things up and couldn't keep his hands clean. And the guilt kept getting to them and they went insane. At least she killed herself first. I wish Pitino fired himself. Women are smarter than men. Just don't tell the Sports Gal that.

"But I remember my buddy Hench and I were plotting to kill him like Macduff tried to kill Macbeth. But we couldn't find any Birnam Wood trees around to sneak up behind Pitino when he left the Fleet Center. Finally, he went insane and basically killed himself. Hey! The original Celtics are from Scotland just like King Duncan was. Did I mention that we could've had Duncan in the NBA lottery in 1998? Gregg Popovich must have put in the frozen envelope like they did with the Knicks in '85. The NBA hates the Celtics. That was worse than when Len Bias died. It's like those three witches were out there to torture us.

"Finally they fired Pitino but as Lady Macbeth said, "If it were done when 'tis done, then 'twere well it were done quickly.' Not quickly enough. It seems like Woodchucks are going for the top draft pick two years in a row. Not even Pitino did that."

The Jungernaut (1-3) 53.34 - Blue (1-3) 40.90

The Jungernaut decided that he didn't need a stinkin' quarterback… or running back… a defense or a tight end. Coach Byron J got 102 yards and a touchdown from Torry Holt and two touchdowns from Thomas Jones as the Jungernaut win their first game over a depleted Blue squad. Based on Blue's lineup this week, with 1/3 of his team affected by byes, Coach Willie W tried to field a makeshift lineup. Blue hot 100 yards and a score from Isaac Bruce but little else.

Byron said playing shorthanded was a strategic move from the outset. "We decided to make some drastic changes this week," he said. "Our guys weren't playing well so we decided, 'what the heck,' let's make everything really confusing. And practice this week was confusing with less than 11 guys on the field. But apparently, Blue was confused anymore. They didn't know how to play 11 on 7. And that worked to our advantage."

After watching this game, Simmons lamented on the apparent nihilistic tendencies of the Jungernaut's roster management for Week 4. "He didn't know what the heck he was doing. He was indecisive. It was like watching Grady Little managing the Red Sox. 'I'll leave Pedro in there. Sure!' And now his Dodgers are in the playoffs and the best clutch hitter in the history of Boston, David Ortiz is not. I'm going to light myself on fire now. This is like a Stomach Punch loss."

But before Simmons conflagrated himself, he offered a comparison to another Shakespearean tragedy. "Shakespeare's tragedies are predictable because everyone dies in the end. It's like watching a Chinese movie. Everyone just dies. But he's creative. And that's how I feel when I'm watching Blue and the Jungernaut. Blue is like Ophelia - she's in love with their players but they don't love her back. And then as a result of different events, she's goes insane and drowns herself. That's Blue."

"But the Jungernaut are like Hamlet. They can't seem to decide anything. 'To be or not to be,' 'to sleep, perchance to dream or to suffer.' And for the Jungernaut, his players are like Queen Gertrude and the Coach is like Claudius. There's always something rotten going on in the state of the Shark Tank and there may be a power struggle we don't know about. And Hamlet is at the center of it because he's a tortured soul. How else do you explain four empty roster spots? It's like Rosencrantz and Guildenstern decided to kill off a couple of the players before the game but got killed themselves. Does this make any sense? Do I ever make any sense?"

"And I just want to say 'get thee to a nunnery.' You hear that Alex Rodriguez? Don't let the convent door hit you on the way out of the Bronx after you choke again. Here's the skull of Yorick to hold when you make your welcome speech as the new third baseman of the Angels."

Dan (3-1) 53.06 - www.hughhewitt.com (3-1) 45.13

And then there was one. In a low-scoring affair, HH.com was knocked from the list of unbeatens with a close loss at the hands of Team Dan. Team Dan got touchdown runs from Joseph Addai and Rudi Johnson to pace a modest effort. HH.com was hurt by the inactivity of Chris Henry and Brian Westbrook. They did get touchdown scores from Jerricho Cotchery and Bernard Berrian but little else in a meager Week 4 performance.

Simmons viewed this game like two long-time rivals with good teams that neither performed. "This game was eerily similar to Romeo & Juliet - not the Leonardo DiCaprio version - that jumped the shark. But think about it. Have you seen the old movies? Romeo and Juliet are not all that. The Montagues and Capulets have nothing on this rivalry."

"And think about it. Warren was like Romeo before he saw Juliet's seemingly dead body. He thought that Brian Westbrook and Chris Henry were going to play. But apparently, he never got the fax from Friar John and he saw them inactive. So he also decided to go inactive and lose this week. It's a real Elizabethan tragedy."

"Meanwhile, look at Team Dan. Brett Favre is like Paris - the perfectly nice guy that can't get the girl anymore. I mean, look at him. He had negative points this week. He'll always love her even if she doesn't love him back and marries another guy. Speaking of the other guy, Favre's not the Romeo that Tom Brady is. Did I tell you I was at Super Bowl XXXVI? And I almost died when Vinatieri kicked that field goal? J-Bug and I just wanted to run around New Orleans and give all our beads away! It wasn't as great as our Vegas Trip two years ago but man, with the people we saw on streets, it broke the Unintentional Comedy Scale! Laissez les bon temps roulez!"

Cambridge Gooners FC (3-1) 72.29 - Brown Town Blues (1-3) 64.98

Gooners are back in the win column after new acquisition Lamont Jordan ran for 128 yards and a touchdown and Andrew Johnson and David Carr hooked up for a touchdown catch and pass. Willis McGahee also found paydirt for Gooners FC. For Brown Town Blues, Marc Bulger had his best game of the season with 328 yards and three touchdown strikes and Clinton Portis accounted for 140 yards from scrimmage and a score. But they were also victimized by the inept Packers offense and the late scratch of Ahman Green.

BTB skipper Bing Y expected more from many of his players. "I only needed 17 points from three players to win," said Bing. "That's just how it's going for this team nowadays. It's one thing to lose. But to lose to a bunch of Brits it's just embarrassing."

Speaking of the English, a little known fact is that Simmons' favorite Shakespearean tragedy is King Lear. "Who wouldn't like it? Three hot English daughters of the king that all hate each other! The third sister who the king disowns marries a Frenchie. The king is old and senile and gives up his throne too soon. There's betrayal, illegitimate sons, blinded earls, deception, affairs, death, love, war. Good times!"

When asked to compare King Lear to anything he sees in the Shark Tank Football League, Simmons replied, "Well, I can some correlations. Let's consider the NFL. King Lear would be like Bill Walsh. Obviously old and senile, he has lots of young protégés but he just can't grip the fact that there's going to be an end sometime. So he's tried to let things go but can't and just ends up making a mess of things. Kind of like George Karl - he always does great the beginning but after awhile, his players can't stand him anymore. Or maybe that's Doug Collins. Maybe I need to write a 10,000 page article on coaches you want for one season! Who can forget Larry Brown? Isiah, your thoughts? Just don't threaten to kill me again. I don't think I could laugh that hard again and survive without the Sports Gal giving me CPR."

"But in terms of fantasy football, having Goneril and Regan would be two quarterbacks that there's only one position for. Maybe like Doug Flutie and Rob Johnson a few years ago in Buffalo. Wade Phillips made Janus look like he had one face. They're not really that good to begin with and people are wondering why the King loves them.

"And then Cordelia is the good daughter that is underrated until she really shows her loyalty to the king. That's like Tom Brady. Or maybe he's more like Edgar and helping his blind dad from the evil older brother - hey! That would be Drew Bledsoe! He just was underappreciated and came out of nowhere to win for the Patriots. Did I mention that I went to Super Bowl XXXIX too? Jacksonville is nothing like New Orleans but it's a heckuva lot better than Detroit."

Okay, now it's time for some letters from my readers:

Hey BSG: When people see you at Dunkin Donuts, do people challenge you to a game of HORSE? And what is your favorite donut?

Yeah, because all I do is play HORSE at Dunkin Donuts. With their coffee, I recommend the rainbow sprinkles or the maple bar. But it's all about that coffee. Even when Curt Schilling practices his stupid Boston accent. Have you seen the cops that show up at DD? Just shoot me now. I could even beat Basketball Jesus right now if I wanted to. Just gimme a cup of that coffee and Bird will go down. How come we have crap donuts in LA like Winchell's and no DD?

Yo Bill! Tell me how your fantasy draft went? Who was the pick that you mocked and why did your Dad make that pick?

My Dad, God bless him, always goes with his favorite Patriot player. And so he picked Brady in the first round. Then he picked Deion Branch in the second round. I told my Dad that he should pick Ben Watson in the third round because he needed a tight end! When he picked him, I had the look that Byung-Hyun Kim had when he gave up the homers to Tino Martinez, Scott Brosius and Derek Jeter in 2001. Or the face in Ghostbusters when Peter Venkman told that Walter Peck he had no… you know. You can't make this stuff up if you tried.

And finally…

Hey Bill! I have a problem that only you may be able to solve. I want to put together a team of all the funny names in fantasy football. I have a Roethlisberger, a Cotchery, and a Klopfenstein and a Feely? What should I call this team? I was thinking the Simmonses but then I wanted to have you and Richard Simmons as a mascot. What do you think?

Yup, these are my readers…