Shark Tank Football - Week 7 - Sponsored by Senator John F. Kerry

The league unanimously agreed to fire Donald Trump but he is vowing a return to the Shark Tank via a hostile takeover, perhaps in time for the playoffs. In the meantime, the Shark Tank Football League is back in the hands of its ten owners.

In other exciting news, with the election a week away, the two Presidential candidates have decided that while California is not technically a battleground state, they cannot ignore that the Shark Tank has widespread political influence and clout that extends far beyond the Golden State. Next week, the President of the United States, George W. Bush, will drop by with his comments. This week, the Shark Tank is honored to welcome the junior senator from the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, John F. Kerry, who will give his thoughts on the action in Week 7 in the Shark Tank.

(Editor's Note: Don't worry. Bush will be equally mocked next week. Good times.)

This Team Stinks 128.95 - Shazaam! 56.85

This Team Stinks (3-4) lit up the scoreboard to the tune of 128.95 points in a surprising drubbing of the fledgling Shazaam! (3-4). After a rough stretch during Weeks 3-5, This Team Stinks has posted 225.15 points over the past two weeks. On the other side of the coin, Shazaam!, after a torrid four-week stretch between Weeks 2-5, Shazaam! has not posted more than 60 points over the past two.

"We just caught them at a rough time," said newly minted quarterback Byron Leftwich. "We're hot, they're not." Leftwich threw for 300 yards and two touchdowns to pace the offense. Meanwhile, the stout TTS defense put up 27 thanks to a touchdown by Deion Sanders. Ahman Green had a 90-yard touchdown run and Darrell Jackson, Jerry Porter and Lee Suggs each made a visit to the end zone.

Shazaam! was victimized by Matt Hasselbeck's four interceptions although rookie standout Roy Williams continued to surprise. But barring career games from all their players, Shazaam! was not going to defeat TTS this week.

Senator Kerry weighed in with his thoughts. "TTS needed a change in leadership and that's what they got with Brian Leftwich. Since the outburst by Coach Elijah Liao, TTS has increased production by 63% in the first week and another 34% since Week 6. From the team's nadir in Week 3, overall weekly production has increased by almost 320%. That's the type of leadership we need in the White House and I will do just that. Unlike the current administration, I guarantee a 320% increase in jobs over the next four years. I spoke to Shazaam! in the locker room after the game and I assured them of good things if I get elected next week. Hope is on the way."

ComeBackSoonJamal 101.84 - THE JUNGERNAUT 63.64

In a battle of 4-2 teams, it was Coach Brent Liu's CBSJ (5-2) that whacked THE JUNGERNAUT (4-3). THE JUNGERNAUT failed to start Donovan McNabb who fired four touchdown passes. Instead, Jake Plummer went for 221 yards, one touchdown and two interceptions. Even starting McNabb would not have covered the nearly 40-point margin of victory for CBSJ.

Priest Holmes crossed the goal line four times for CBSJ before leaving the game with a mildly sprained ankle. Along with the performance of Brett Favre (258 yards passing, two touchdowns), CBSJ coasted to a comfortable win.

Senator Kerry was impressed with the performance of Holmes. "He would have been my first pick as well," said the Senator. "I voted to draft him before I voted not to draft him. But he's been good. But he's not good when he's been bad. So he's good now."

Asked to comment on the absence of McNabb in the starting lineup, Kerry said, "Obviously, Coach Byron Jung didn't have an exit strategy. He started out the season so strong but after going 4-1 and boasting about the strength of his team, he didn't count the possibility of internal turmoil and revolt. If the great people of this great nation elect me next week, I will promise the withdrawal of troops and have better play-calling in the Shark Tank."

Ophir Gophirs 69.89 - Err McNair 68.05

A furious and desperate rally by Err McNair (1-6) on Monday night fell short as the Gophirs (3-4) tallied their second straight victory. Steve McNair was unproductive before leaving the game with a bruised sternum. Chad Johnson had a big game catching 149 yards worth of passes and scoring a touchdown. But the rally fell about 25 yards short.

Senator Kerry was critical of the coaching decisions made by Err McNair Coach Dan Len. "McNair only threw for two yards. That's six feet. 72 inches. Meanwhile, Joey Harrington threw for 230 yards and two touchdowns. He didn't play Jason Witten who would have provided the difference over Boo Williams. President Bush has been like Err McNair."

"I believe that Steve McNair stinks. But I am not about to impose my beliefs on the Shark Tank. If they want to play Steve McNair or Boo Williams, who am I to tell them what to do? I would never question a coach's right to choose even if that's not what I really believe. My faith guides me in everything I do. I mean, when it agrees with my party's line."

Tiki Torry Terrell 107.80 - Blue Power 73.13

Terrell Owens and Tiki Barber paced a balanced offense and compensated for a four-yard performance from Torry Holt as the T3 (5-2) maintained its second-place position in the Shark Tank with a strong performance over Blue Power (3-4).

Owens scored twice and had 109 yards receiving. Senator Kerry likes the cut of Owens' jib. "Terrell is a player that not only talks big but plays big. That's the type of leader this country needs. The President is an honorable man. But he talks big. I play big. And at the end of the day, that's what a nation needs. Talk is cheap. Results are better."

Barber had 172 combined yards and a touchdown. Randy McMichael and Rudi Johnson also scored. For Blue Power, it was Peyton Manning's 368 yards passing and three scoring tosses. Rookie Larry Fitzgerald and William Green also scored but the team did not get much from anybody else.

"That's not the type of performance one would want in battle," said Kerry. "Take it from a guy that won three purple hearts as a naval officer in Vietnam. I know what it takes to fight. And that's what Tiki Torry Terrell did. And in the same way I fought in Vietnam, I will fight for the rights of the American people and not for the special interest groups that have plagued Washington for the last four years. There will be no football team left behind under my administration."

Just Stew It 59.97 - unDaunted 54.70

Another week, another tough loss for unDaunted. Just Stew It (6-1) retained sole possession of first place by edging unDaunted (2-5). Despite having the fifth highest point total in the Shark Tank, unDaunted is one game out of a playoff spot if the season ended today.

Tom Brady threw for 230 yards and a score and Fred Taylor and Corey Dillon each surpassed the 100-yard mark in rushing. For unDaunted, Daunte Culpepper had a solid but unspectacular game by his standards and Jimmy Smith had 113 yards receiving and a touchdown but the absence of Randy Moss was devastating.

Senator Kerry had some encouraging words for Just Stew It. "His team has balance at each position. They have a strong leader with Tom Brady. They have good running backs, solid receivers and a sound defense. They would pass the Global Test. unDaunted is very top-heavy. They would not pass the Global Test. As good as Randy Culpepper and Daunte Moss are, they cannot carry the whole team. What they need is a strong coalition."

A Final Thought on the World Series

With the Red Sox leading the World Series 2-0 against the Cardinals, Kerry could not help but beam at his team's effort. "Manny Ortez has just been great. Matt Damon has been phenomenal and Burt Schilling has been inspirational. And just like I will take down Bush on Election Day, the Sox will take down the Cardinals in Busch Stadium. Count me as the most devoted Sox fan in all the world."

When asked about the players, Kerry asked his campaign advisor, "They beat the Yankees, right?" When the campaign advisor nodded, Kerry flashed his Botox-made smile and said, "They represent all that's good in America. They are the working-man's team. And next week, it will be a victory for Red Sox Nation and our Nation."

When asked what would happen if the Red Sox happened to lose, Kerry said, "Red Sox Nation will be able to cope with it. I've been a Red Sox fan since I was a young altar boy and I know that Paul Pierce and Tom Brady will guide the Sox to the title. "

Shark Tank Football - Week 6 - Sponsored by The Apprentice

It was a topsy turvy week in the Shark Tank where many of the underdogs emerged victorious. But the big news: real estate mogul and star of the runaway hit, The Apprentice, Donald J. Trump, has acquired the Shark Tank Fantasy Football League. As a result, each week, a player must be fired. Trump assisted the losing coaches in their personnel decisions to trim the fat that may be bringing down their losing teams.

unDaunted 135.41 - Err McNair 70.13

Behind Daunte Culpepper's 425 yards and five touchdowns, Laurie Len's unDaunted (2-4) resoundingly routed husband Dan's Err McNair (1-5). Trump greeted both teams and their coaches in the boardroom in the new TRUMP Shark Tank Tower.

In the Shark Tank boardroom:

Trump: Well, how did they do?

Laurie: "Daunte just played great. Even after Randy [Moss] got hurt, he was able to keep his focus and showed why he's the MVP. Rueben [Droughns] stepped it up with 176 yards and a touchdown when other guys struggled and went down. The defense got us 20 points; good job all around.

Trump: And Dan?

Dan: We didn't do quite as well.

Trump: Yeah, you guys got killed. To unDaunted, as a reward, I will treat you to an all-expenses paid trip to Lahaina where you can enjoy all the Hawaiian food you can eat along with some of the most beautiful beaches and women in the world. You can go diving, surfing, and be treated like royalty. There you will be able to speak with a good friend of mine and one of the best leaders ever, King Kamehameha, where he will talk to you guys about leadership and tell you about the Law of the Splintered Paddle. He treats everyone well, especially peons like yourselves, and I want you to learn from him things that you can use if and when you run one of my companies.

Culpepper: Umm, Mr. Trump, hasn't he been dead for almost 200 years?

Trump: So what. You can visit his grave and channel his spirit or something.

Moss: Umm… no one knows where he's buried. It's a great mystery.

Trump: Whatever. You can talk to one of his great-great-great-great-great grandchildren. They're around, usually dressed up in regal traditional outfits. But you will have a great time. For you Err McNair guys, it's back to the boardroom where someone… will … be… fired."

Minutes later, back in the boardroom:

Trump: You guys are getting pounded. This is four straight losses. This is pathetic. Steve [McNair], you're the leader, quarterback, and being the guy your team is named for, the perpetual project manager. Who do you think is the most responsible for failing this task?

McNair: Coach, I think it's clear that my leadership wasn't the problem. None of our receivers did anything. Chad [Johnson] ran his mouth and didn't back it up. Javon [Walker] was mediocre. The tight end was awful.

Dan: But Steve, you threw four picks. That's not good.

McNair: No, Coach, it's not. But we didn't lose because of the four picks. Even if I didn't throw any, we still would've lost.

Dan: True, but it didn't help.

Trump: You guys got absolutely slaughtered. Okay. Clinton [Portis], you finally had a good day. If it weren't for your big contract, you may have been fired a long time ago. But you did well this week with your 171 yards. Who do you think failed?

Portis: Coach, I have to say Chad. He sent Pepto-Bismol to unDaunted's defensive backs because he thought they would be sick after trying to cover him. And look what they did. They put up 20 points against us. You can't have guys on your team that talk and do stuff like that and not back it up.

Dan: He sent what??? I had no idea. That's not very sportsmanlike.

Trump: But that's pretty funny. But Chad, if you try to do stuff like that, you have to play better.

Johnson: I know, Coach, Mr. Trump. But it was for a worthy cause, for breast cancer.

Trump: There is no worthier cause then money, victory and prime real estate in Manhattan that is developed into a multiuse complex, except for using the powers of eminent domain to build beautiful golf courses, even if the 18th hole is falling into the ocean. So, the heck with your worthy causes.

Dan: Umm, Mr. Trump, it is a worthy cause and I like the fact that you, Chad, are trying to do good things. But you could've just done the Revlon Run-Walk or given money on your own without the Pepto. And you dropped two big passes this week. That's not acceptable.

Johnson: I know, I take responsibility.

Trump: All right, but I do like you, Chad. I think you're outstanding but you blew this one. Okay, quickly, Steve, who should be fired?

McNair: Chad.

Dan: Clinton?

Portis: Well, if you asked me who performed poorest on this task…

Trump: Cut the garbage. Who should be fired?

Portis: I think Chad.

Trump: Josh [Brown]? Ah, who cares what you think, you're a kicker. Chad?

Johnson: Well, Stephen [Davis] only had 76 total yards. I think he should go. He was a much higher draft pick than I was and he keeps getting hurt.

Trump: Basically, I want to fire all of you after last week but I can't do that. But Chad, you ran your mouth. You sent them bottles of Pepto. And you gave ME indigestion. Chad, you're fired.

Johnson: You can't fire me. Coach needs me.

Dan: He's right, Mr. Trump.

Trump: All right, you're benched. But if you're good this week, I'll give you another chance.

Johnson: I won't let you down, Coach, Mr. Trump.

Trump: We'll see. Now get out of here, all of you. You guys make me sick.

Just Stew It 100.79 - THE JUNGERNAUT 47.78

In a battle of 4-1 teams, Just Stew It obliterated the highly touted JUNGERNAUT to move to 5-1 and sole possession of first place in the Shark Tank. THE JUNGERNAUT fell to 4-2. Once again, the teams invited Trump into the boardroom to address the teams.

Trump: Both of your teams are doing really well. I've been pretty impressed. Like my pink tie?

All: Yes, Mr. Trump. Your hair looks nice, too.

Trump: I know. Stewart, I'm very happy with your team's effort so far this year. I think those guys can take you far.

Stewart: Yes, Mr. Trump. We've got a classy, talented group of guys, especially our running backs. Corey [Dillon] has shown he can play for a winner with two touchdowns and 105 yards. Fred [Taylor] showed he's no fraud with 137 total yards and a score. And Shaun [Alexander] scored again and had over 100 yards. I think we have the best group of running backs in the league. And for you, Mr. Trump, nothing but the best.

Trump: I do, Stewart, I do like the best. But despite that, I recommend getting a pre-nup.

Stewart: What?

Trump: Oh, I thought you were talking about something else. But yes, good job. As a reward, your team, based on your team name, would probably want to meet a good friend of mine and excellent business man, Phil Knight. He's up in Oregon and of course, he's the head of Nike. Phil will hook you up with all the sneakers, equipment and throwback jerseys your team would ever want. He will make P. Diddy's wardrobe look like a baglady's. They will take care of you. And after that, you will each be treated to a beautiful dinner with Phil and some of Nike's top athletes including Michael Jordan, Tiger Woods and Lance Armstrong.

Brady: Will Elin [Nordegren] be there?

Trump: I don't think so. She's been detained by the Coast Guard. But I don't think she did anything wrong. I think they just wanted to detain her for, you know, because she's almost as hot as my wife. But you will have a great time up there. Just Stew It: enjoy yourselves. As for THE JUNGERNAUT, it's back to the boardroom where someone will be fired.

Later in the boardroom…

Trump: Donovan [McNabb], your team appointed you leader after your great season so far. But you didn't throw any touchdowns today. What happened?

McNabb: Mr. Trump, the problem falls not on me because this team wouldn't have been 4-1 without me. I didn't play my best game but I shouldn't take the responsibility for one bad week.

Trump: Donovan, with all due respect, I couldn't disagree more. No one at TRUMP has a bad day, let alone a bad week.

George Ross: Yes, Donovan. If you have one bad week, you will cost Mr. Trump millions, if not billions, if not jillions of dollars!

Trump: Donovan, George is right. One mistake is one mistake too many. We only accept perfection here. Look at me. I've never made any mistakes.

McNabb: Well, actually, Mr. Trump, what about those casinos and …

Trump: Those weren't my fault. Besides, bankruptcy cleans up everything so it's not technically mistake. But you can't erase this loss from your team's records. There's no Chapter 11 for the Shark Tank. If a shark eats you, you can't undo it.

Byron: That being said, Donovan has had a great year, Mr. Trump.

Trump: Well, Byron, as my trusty loyal sidekick, though you're not as fetching as Carolyn, you're right. Besides Donovan, you've built up so many immunities that we couldn't fire you anyway. LT [LaDainian Tomlinson], you've been just as good as Donovan. Who do you think messed up the worst?

Tomlinson: Well, it's hard to say. I mean, these guys are my teammates and my friends. I can't just diss them.

Byron: Yes, yes. You can, actually. So who stunk?

Tomlinson: Well, the receivers all stunk. Antonio [Bryant], Rod [Smith] and Reggie [Williams] combined for 68 yards. That's the reason we lost.

Trump: That is truly pathetic. What happened, Rod? You're the wily veteran.

Smith: Well, sir, as you know, receivers can't catch the ball unless the quarterback makes good passes.

McNabb: I can't throw it to you guys if you can't get open.

Bryant: We were open. But what we had here was a failure in leadership and poor decision making. That falls back on the project manager, I mean, quarterback. Besides, Jake [Plummer] would've been a much better PM. He had 22+ points. Donovan only had four. Donovan is why we lost.

Trump: Warwick [Dunn], you've been awfully quiet. Maybe you should be since you only had 13 yards.

Dunn: Not my best game, sir. But Donovan didn't have the horses this week. The receivers are to blame.

Trump: Who gets most of the blame, Warwick?

Dunn: That's Warrick, sir. And I'd say Reggie.

Byron: We can't fire Reggie, Warrick, he's a rookie. He's perpetually immune until we find a better one.

Trump: Well, it seems pretty divided. Donovan, you can choose to take two or three others back to the boardroom with you. How many do you want to bring back?

Donovan: Three.

Trump: Whoa, everyone else has only taken two back. I never understood that. All right, who will it be?

Donovan: Reggie, Rod and Antonio.

Trump: All right. LT, Domanick, David G., Warwick…

Dunn: That's Warrick with an "R", sir.

Trump: Whatever, Warwick. Freddie, Jake, Amani, Tony, Joey, David A., Martin, and defense, back to the locker room. Donovan, Antonio, Rod and Reggie: it's back to the boardroom where one of you will be fired.

[Exeunt except for Byron, George R. and Trump]

Trump: What do you guys think?

George: They all failed. No one's ever any good. None of them are good enough for you Mr. Trump.

Trump: I know but I have to hire somebody. What do you think, Byron?

Byron: Well, I… I… I… think Antonio. Donovan is too good and Reggie has that rookie status working for him.

Trump: All right, we'll see. Robin, send them in.

[Back outside...]

Robin: Mr. Trump will see you now.

Bryant: Robin, do you do anything else for your job?

Robin: Mr. Trump will see you now.

Williams: Robin, can you say anything else?

Robin: Mr. Trump will see you now.

Smith: Robin? What's the weather like outside?

Robin: Mr. Trump will see you now.

Back in the boardroom:

Trump: Okay. Donovan, you've made your case and I think you're terrific. And I love Campbell Chunky soup. But honestly Donovan, your mom is a much more convincing pitchman than you. Actually, that's probably an actress and not your real mom.

Donovan: Thanks, Mr. Trump, but actually, that is my real mom.

Trump: Whatever. Sirloin Burger is good stuff. So, receivers, you all were so bad I don't want to hear what you guys have to say. Rod, you're great but you're old. I'm all about finding good people at the right price. You're not as productive as you once were and I can probably do better with younger guys. Antonio, you stink. Reggie, you're young, talented and cheap. That's the triple crown for human resources. It doesn't get much better than that. So I have to say, Antonio, you're fired.

Bryant: I'll be back.

Trump: We'll see. Your coach is a nice guy. I usually don't want nice guys but he may spare you. But my decision is final.

Players exit the boardroom.

Trump [to George and Byron]: I feel good about it.

Blue Power 84.50 - FreeJamal 63.35

A shorthanded FreeJamal (4-2) fell out of a first-place tie due to Blue Power's (3-3) balanced attack. Considering the absence of Blue Power's Peyton Manning and the two teams' recent results, Willie Wang was happy with his team's performance and Brent Liu's team had to go to the boardroom to face the Donald.

Trump's Soliloquy: Stepping Up

Trump: You need team players that are willing to sacrifice their own glory for the betterment of the team. You need it in business and you need it in sports. You have to have faith in your teammates, co-workers, project-mates. If you don't trust them, it's going to cause divisiveness and lead to poor performance. And when the leader is out of action for whatever reason, hopefully that leader would have instilled enough leadership into his team so that they can carry on and be successful without him.

On the phone: Bill, you stink. I can't believe I hired you. You spent all your time writing a book instead of working on that TRUMP Tower in Chicago. Now shut up, stop doing book signings and get back to work. Remember, you only have a one-year contract. I can still fire you. Now be a leader. And don't wear reddish-pink ties. That's me, not you. Stop trying to be me. You're still only an apprentice. If you screw up again, I will personally throw you off the Sears Tower like that Visa Check Card that flew out of my hand. And I won't be digging you out of the dumpster. And I sold that card for $1,425 on eBay.

In the boardroom:

Trump: Wow. I'm really impressed with Team Blue Power. You guys did a great job.

Blue Power: Thanks, Mr. Trump.

Trump: I don't even know if I could've done better given the circumstances. Willie, any words for your team?

Willie: I didn't expect to win this week without Peyton but it's important to be developing new leaders and it's great to see these guys kick it up a couple notches.

Trump: BAM! Oh, sorry, Emeril Lagasse is a great friend of mine. Everyone that's anyone is a great friend of mine. And sorry, when you said "kick it up a couple notches", it just reminded me of him. So as your reward, you guys will get an all-expenses paid trip to New Orleans. You may have heard of the French Quarter down there? Well, there's the TRUMP Half. It's right on the Mississippi. It features the finest restaurants in New Orleans and Emeril Lagasse will personally prepare you a 50-course authentic Cajun meal. You will eat the whole thing. Then there's the TRUMP Riverboat that's right on the Mississippi where you guys can enjoy fireworks and the best entertainment allowed by Civil Law. Finally, there's the TRUMP Mardi Gras where every day is Fat Tuesday. You will have a good time and enjoy it. But I know with you football players, you have to be careful of any questionable characters out there. For FreeJamal, it's back to the boardroom where one of you will be fired.

Back in the boardroom:

Trump: You guys have been doing so well this season but that was a pitiful effort this week. You let a shorthanded inferior team spank you around the field. Brett [Favre] was his usual MVP self with 257 yards and two touchdowns and Priest [Holmes] had 122 total yards and a touchdown. But nobody else did anything. Brett Favre is always immune because he's Brett Favre according to my good friend John Madden. So I'll look to Priest. Who failed on this task?

Holmes: Well, Mr. Trump, I have to look at Quentin [Griffin]. He started out really good but he's been exposed. And hurt. He had only 16 yards yesterday. That's 16 yards more than a dead guy. He has too many weaknesses and his continued presence in the lineup has hurt our team.

Trump: Quentin, what do you have to say to that?

Griffin: Well, Mr. Trump, I kept this team afloat early in the year. But look at Darius Watts, he didn't do anything either.

Brent: But he's a rookie. You're not. And I looked for you to come up big with Jamal out. And all you do is lay eggs. All zeroes. And you lost your starting job to some journey man named Droughns.

Griffin: Let me explain. I could produce if I get the chance. But The Man isn't letting me.

Trump: Are you talkin' to me?

Griffin: No, no, sir. I just meant, you know, The Man. Whoever The Man is.

Trump: Jamal, I hope you're enjoying your involuntary vacation and got a good look at the game. Who should be fired?

Lewis: Quentin hasn't done jack the last two weeks. We're gonna be good when me and Anquan [Boldin come back in a few weeks. Antonio [Gates] has been awesome. But it's obvious whose been the weakest link.

Brent: Quentin, you've stunk the last two weeks. I can't even put you in the game anymore.

Trump: Quentin, you have outlived your usefulness. I respect the opinion of my minions such as Dr. Liu. Here at TRUMP, we can't have people that have exhausted their utility run one of my companies. I need people that can produce and when an old guy like Emmitt Smith starts outproducing you, it's time to say: "You ARE the weakest link, goodbye." I mean, you're fired. Now all of you, get out.

[After everyone leaves...]

Trump: That was a harder decision than I initially thought.

Brent: He just had to go. That was NOT a great pick.

Ophir Gophirs 62.06 - Shazaam! 50.13

The Gophirs (2-4) pulled off the shocker of the week as the second-lowest scoring team in the Shark Tank upended to top scoring team in Shazaam! (3-3).

Mr. Trump was none too pleased with performance of Shazaam! as evidenced after the game in the boardroom…

Trump: Carolyn, how did they do?

Carolyn: Well, the Gophirs did quite well. They scored 62.06 points this week.

Trump: Well? That's not that great. George, how did Shazaam! fare?

George: They scored 50.13 points. So the Gophirs won by 11.93 points.

Trump: Wow, I'm stunned. Well, both of your teams performed poorly because I guess we we're in a situation where it was unfortunate that somebody had to win. But for the Ophir Gophirs, congratulations. Rob, do you have any thoughts for your team?

Rob: It came down to two guys: Trent [Green] and Deuce [McAllister]. Trent threw for 315 yards and two touchdowns. Deuce came back from injury and scored twice. Ashley [Lelie] came up with a big touchdown catch. We've needed this for several weeks. And we picked up Jeff [Garcia] this week and he's ready to contribute.

Trump: Good work. As your reward for your Week 6 victory, I want to reward especially the coach for doing a nice job. Since you are saddled with three kids and they have become your unofficial team's mascots, I wanted to reward everyone with a trip to Orlando where you can all experience Disney World. Everyone can bring their families. And for some of the adults, I will have my great friend Arnold Palmer give you all free golf lessons at his course at Bay Hill. It's a championship course where the greatest players in world play every year in mid-March. It's not as good as Trump National but it's close. You will each play a round of golf on me. After that, I will treat you to a dinner where my good friend Michael Eisner, CEO of Disney, will talk to your team about leadership and how to run a company.

Green: But Mr. Eisner is not really a great leader anymore. I mean, everyone seems to hate him and want him out. I mean, Walt's nephew, Roy, quit because Eisner wouldn't leave.

Trump: So he's a little embattled, Trent. That's what makes him a great leader.

Eddie George: But no one goes to Disneyland or watches ABC anymore. Pixar wants to bail on them. That sounds to me like a failure in leadership.

Trump: Nonsense. Can you imagine the severance package Eisner is going to get after giving Michael Ovitz that doozy? $140 million! That takes leadership. You will learn something, have fun, and have a great time. For Shazaam!, it's back to the boardroom where someone will be fired.

Back in the boardroom…

Trump: Shazaam!, that was not good. Aaron, what do you have to say about your team's performance?

Aaron: That was terrible. Stinkin' Chris Brown getting hurt and Edgerrin James and Reggie Wayne taking the week off. And Donald [Driver] had two touchdowns on the bench.

Trump: Yeah, the bye week for some of your players really hurt you. But good teams need to be able to overcome adversity and obstacles. Marshall [Faulk], what happened?

Faulk: I was too busy doing United Way commercials to notice. But Bubba [Franks] pulled off his usual show up one week, take off three weeks performance. Our defense was awful. All of the stupid Miami Hurricanes were too busy blowing smoke after being #2 in the BCS. They didn't have focus on the game. At least being from San Diego State, we never have to worry about that. I mean, we lost to UCLA.

Trump: So who should go?

Faulk: I say the defense.

Trump: All right. David [Carr], you're the quarterback. You're not from Miami. Who failed?

Carr: I'm sick of all those Miami guys forming cliques. It's causing division and cattiness.

Carolyn: Wait. You guys … are catty? What are you, a bunch of girls?

Carr: See, those Hurricanes keep hanging out with each other and think they're all better than everyone else. They refuse to hang out with us after games and it hurts their performance on Sundays. We need to have more team chemistry.

Trump: Interesting. Cliques are okay but not to the point of divisiveness. What do you have to say about that, Edge?

James: Look, all of us from the U are brothers. We can't be separated. It would be like asking us to split our families. That ain't cool.

George: Look guys. I admire the fact that you like being around each other. But what you punks need to realize is that you can't have that type of exclusiveness when it comes to running one of Mr. Trump's companies. You need to include everyone and help people. It was this very reason you failed the task. If it were just one of you, then it would be easy to pinpoint. But Mr. Trump can't fire all four of you at the same time even if I'd recommend that to him.

Wayne: If you fire us all, we will become more powerful than you can ever imagine.

Trump: All right, Obi-Wan Miami. Bubba, you've been singled out, who do you think should be fired?

Franks: The defense is terrible. We're scoring enough points but we're giving way too many up. That's why we're only 3-3.

Trump: Jerome [Bettis], what do you think? All you do is score touchdowns on short goal-line runs. You have a pretty easy job.

Bettis: But I do get the job done. Unlike Bubba.

Trump: Well, I'm going to fire Bubba. He's a tight end and he can be spectacular though he's inconsistent. Ernest [Wilford], you're sitting rather quietly over there. What do you have to say about yourself. 22 yards ain't that hot.

Ernest: Mr. Trump, the team wouldn't throw me the ball.

Trump: That's because you're a lowly rookie. Why don't you assert yourself more instead of waiting to be called on? That's what leaders and go-getters do.

Ernest: Well, sir, I'm a rookie. Last time I spoke up, they hung me on the goal post by my jock strap. I really don't want to go through that again. I'd almost rather get fired.

Trump: Look, Ernest. You've got talent. But you are a rookie. And you're not even the best rookie on the team. Roy [Williams] has been terrific and outstanding. He's not only scored four touchdowns and though he was injured, he only had 22 fewer yards than you. And he's coaching the #1 basketball team in the country…

Ernest: Actually, Mr. Trump, that's a different Roy Williams.

Carolyn: Why do you have to keep interrupting Mr. Trump, rook? Shut up.

Trump: Yes, shut up. Thank you, Carolyn. Anyway, you're terrible. You don't assert yourself and you don't know your place in authority. Great leaders are made, not born. And you need to bide your time. This is not the time to rock the boat and upset your teammates who are much more experienced than you. And since they have Roy, they don't need you. So this is easy. Ernest, you're fired. And go hang him on the goal posts again for old time's sake. Rookie, I hope you've learned your lesson.

This Team Stinks 96.20 - Tiki Torry Terrell 91.99

From the dead, This Team Stinks (2-4) pulled off the upset of the week as the last place team knocked off the formerly first place Tiki Torry Terrell (4-2). The Donald was quite surprised at the result.

In the boardroom…

Trump: I can't believe it. First, the Berlin Wall, next, the fall of the Soviet Union, and now, This Team Stinks winning a game. What's next? The Red Sox beating the Yankees?

Elijah: Our team surprised even me. I pretty much left them for dead.

Trump: But you stuck with them. And great job by some of your guys.

Elijah: Yeah, Michael [Vick] finally showed up. Andre [Davis] caught only one pass but it went for a 99-yard touchdown. Ahman [Green] even threw a touchdown pass. Who knew he was left-handed? Lee [Suggs] had 100 yards receiving and the defense even scored. This is just one of the weeks where everything that needed to go right did and we pulled it out.

Trump: Yes, I'm quite impressed. What about your team, Kal?

Kal: Well, Torry "Big Play" Holt almost single-handedly erased a 25-point deficit. Mewelde [Moore] had another strong game and Aaron [Brooks] also put up some nice numbers. But we had some problems.

Trump: Yes, I can see that. Well, as a reward for This Team Stinks, I know you guys really like baseball. So I'm going to hook you up with Yankees and Red Sox tickets for Games 6 and 7 of the ALCS. That's much better than what those kids that found those 70 Yankees tickets on the street got. They're going to a stupid Nets game. Who the heck cares about the Nets?

Elijah: That's great, Mr. Trump.

Trump: But wait! There's more! Ahem. Anyway, after the games, I will take your team to one of the most exclusive clubs in Manhattan and Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez are regulars. Paris Hilton also visits with her dog. That dog is a great leader in training and Paris has a best-selling book.

Elijah: Paris Hilton is somewhat repulsive to me. Who wants to live like an heiress? I don't think any of our guys care…

Trump: But I'm sure you will enjoy taking batting practice at Yankee Stadium with my good friend Derek Jeter. Only the clutchest player in baseball history. The best player on the best team. He's the best.

Elijah: Umm… with all due respect, Mr. Trump, Jeter is nice but he's not A-Rod, Sheffield or Rivera. He's just better looking.

Trump: You will meet Jeter, the Captain of the Yankees, and he will share with you the success that has led him to four rings. He is the Lord of the Rings.

Elijah: You realize he hasn't won a ring in four years. I refuse the dinner with Jeter. But we'll do everything else. Maybe some of the wives on our team will want to get his autograph but I don't care.

Trump: You're an idiot, Elijah. You can't refuse one of my rewards. What a stupid decision. Why would you want to give that up? For that reason, I will strip your team of its immunity this week. Kalvin, your team will get the reward and Elijah, someone on your team, because of your foolish decision, will be fired.

Tiki [Barber]: Thanks, Mr. Trump. Jeter is the ultimate winner, someone that we all want to strive to be.

Back in the boardroom:

Trump: So even though you guys won, you lost and you're back in the boardroom. What do you guys have to say about that.

Vick: It's obvious we have a failure of leadership. We saw that for the last month.

Trump: As much as I want to fire Elijah, I can't. He has a no-fire clause in his contract. I already fired the idiotic lawyer that put that in his contract. But out of the rest of you, who do you think should go Mike?

Vick: Well, Jerry [Porter] put up negative points this week. Kerry [Collins] was thought to be a big pickup but he's been awful. There's a lot of blame to go around.

Trump: Yes, you guys were extremely lucky this week. Ahman, who do you think should go?

Green: Anyone from Oakland should go. Kerry and Jerry have been pitiful and have caused this team to doubt itself.

Trump: Kevan [Barlow], what do you think?

Barlow: Well, when in doubt, I always blame the kicker, Jeff [Reed]. They're not even real football players.

Vick: That's a good one. Yeah, the kicker should go. They're basically useless. They may win a few games but otherwise, there's no reason for their existence.

Trump: Kickers are indeed useless. They are the most replaceable players on a team. They're like middle management. A bunch of guys that don't really do anything. Jeff, do you want to defend yourself?

Reed: Kickers are important.

Trump: No, they aren't. This is an easy one. And though I don't like to pick on people merely because of their position, it isn't like I'm firing you because of your race, gender, or religious beliefs. Kickers are not a protected class. So this is easy. Jeff, you're fired. And I'm not even going to pay for you taxi ride because you're a lowly kicker. Use those now useless feet and walk back to the airport.

Shark Tank Football - Week 5

It was another eventful week in the Shark Tank as further stratification continued. The elite continued to excel and the dregs continued to ... well... suck. Four teams sport a 4-1 record while perhaps the best team in the league, Shazaam!!, boasts the highest point total and a 3-2 record. Meanwhile, four teams are 1-4. Misery loves company as Week 5 in the Shark Tank proved.

FreeJamal 72.73 - This Team Stinks 58.99

Brett Favre's 338 yards and two touchdowns on Monday night helped FreeJamal (4-1) to rally to victory against the hapless This Team Stinks (1-4). Despite three interceptions, Favre did enough to offset the Monday night performance of Ahman Green who put up a measly 33 yards and coughed up a fumble. FreeJamal tight end Antonio Gates scored twice.

Jamal Lewis ran for 116 yards in his final game before serving a two-game suspension handed down by the league for an ill-fated cell phone call in violation of federal law. Lewis wanted to accept the league mandate and move on and now that the plea agreement has been all but finalized, he spoke out for the first time about the incident.

"Darn cell phones," said Lewis. "The one time that I get decent reception and a clear signal, the government wiretaps. I knew I was in trouble when the dude I was talking to on the other end asked, 'Can you hear me now? Good.' Then we did our deal... but he just kept asking if I could hear him. Man, that got annoying after awhile. Then some white dude in a black trench coat carrying a cell phone came out, accosted me and told me that I was over my monthly minutes and cuffed me. Then he told me, 'Your days of unfair overages are now over where you'll be going.' Why couldn't Catherine Zeta-Jones have cuffed me instead??"

This Team Stinks had just undergone an overhaul but coach Elijah Liao no longer appeared to care about his last place squad. "This is the worst I've ever felt as a coach. We can't run, we can't pass. All we can do is play defense. And they've got the week off next week under the collective bargaining agreement. Darn unions."

Tiki Torry Terrell 70.89 - Ophir Gophirs 57.33

Tiki Barber ran for 122 yards and a touchdown and caught passes totalling 76 more as TTT (4-1) overcame the benching of Marc Bulger to pullout the win over the Gophirs (1-4).

Rookie Mewelde Moore came out of nowhere and had 182 yards from scrimmage to help the surprising T3 to a win. However, the team was devastated by an injury to DeShaun Foster, who will be out 6-10 weeks with a broken collarbone. On Monday, Foster was unceremoniously sacked by coach Kalvin Sid. Sid was criticized for the move as pundits called the release unprofessional, heartless and surprising given that Foster was a fellow UCLA Bruin.

Sid had a response for his critics. "We're here to win football games. There's no room for school loyalty here. I only said I wanted a Bruin on my team to start the season. DeShaun did his job. But apparently we missed a payment on his H2 and it got repossessed last week. After all, we're paying for his surgery and rehab. What more does he want?"

However, Sid subjected himself to the Curse of the Golden Bear. He now has one Cal alum, kicker Ryan Longwell, on his roster and has summarily ejected his lone Bruin. Gophirs coach and fellow UCLA alum Rob Chinn was worried. "I think Kal has put our football team under severe stress by his move. Oh, I'm not talking about the Gophirs, I'm talking about the UCLA football team. I mean, now they're probably going to lose by 40 points to Cal on Saturday. He HAS to release Longwell and get rid of him right now if we're going to have a chance in Berkeley. Ah heck, even if Longwell gets cut, UCLA will probably still lose by 20. Hopefully, we'll give up fewer than 300 yards rushing. If this continues, next year, Karl Dorrell will be coaching in the Shark Tank and Kal will get that UCLA gig that he's long coveted."

THE JUNGERNAUT 82.12 - Blue Power 70.07

THE JUNGERNAUT (4-1) continued its winning ways as Jake Plummer spelled Donovan McNabb and threw two touchdown passes and the defense got into the endzone as well to defeat the faltering Blue Power (2-3). LaDainian Tomlinson had 144 yards and a touchdown and Domanick Davis and Warrick Dunn each scored as well.

Coach Byron Jung could not be reached because he was on holiday in Canada. But his team said they wanted to win one for the absentee coach. "He's meant so much to us," said Plummer. When asked to expand on that, Plummer was taken aback. "Oh, I don't know how. I just always hear players say that about their coaches. It seemed like the nice and proper thing to say."

Blue Power quarterback Peyton Manning added three more touchdown passes to give him 14 on the season. Duce Staley and rookie receiver Larry Fitzgerald also scored. But a typically stout Blue Power defense came up empty and an active Plaxico Burress would have provided the difference. Coach Willie Wang lamented the loss. "If Burress started instead of Cedrick Wilson, we would've won 82.14 to 82.12. That would've been great. But there's still next week. But I haven't been able to focus on the team as much as I want. My desk is filled with files and casework. We'll do better next week because I've asked Jose Lima to come in and give our team a pep talk now that he's got nothing better to do. We'll be dancing after every play and the entire team will be running onto the field every time we score. It will be Lima Time."

Shazaam! 121.44 - unDaunted 90.44

The Miami Hurricanes aka Shazaam! (3-2) got two touchdowns each from Andre Johnson and Bubba Franks and one more apiece from Reggie Wayne and Edgerrin James as the Canes blew away unDaunted (1-4).

Shazaam! keeps running on all cylinders as they are now the top-scoring team in the Shark Tank. However, the team's rookie standout Roy Williams went down with a sprained left ankle. He hopes to play next week. "I'll be there."

Chris Brown and Franks each scored two touchdowns on Monday night to turn a close game between in-laws into a blowout. Shazaam! coach Aaron Len has now beaten his brother and his brother's wife in consecutive weeks. "This is great!" said Len. "Now if and when I get my place remodeled, I'll be able to move in with them for free. They'll have to cook for me and my wife and we're going to have chocolate-covered strawberries and sushi every night! Yeah, baby!"

unDaunted got 61.31 points from the firm of Culpepper & Moss but only 29.13 from the rest of the team. Coach Laurie Len lamented the imminent increase in their grocery bills. "Strawberries aren't even in season. This will give us incentive if either Dan or I meet Aaron in the playoffs. 'Sushi every night.' We'll see, sushi boy."

Just Stew It 97.31 - Err McNair 73.97

Just Stew It (4-1) moved into first place in the Shark Tank with a resounding win over Err McNair (1-4). The game was not as close as the score would indicate as Err McNair was behind by 40 points going into Monday night's action.

Quarterback Tom Brady passed for only 79 yards but it didn't matter as all he does is win. Shaun Alexander and Eric Johnson each went over 150 yards with a score. Receivers Joe Horn and Lee Evans also struck paydirt as part of a strong, balanced attack.

Coach Stewart Chang attributed his team's success to team camaraderie and food. "Really, the secret is our typical Saturday night team meal. We have a contest to see who can eat the biggest steak. The guys decided to pick on the rookie, Ben Roethlisberger. He's a big guy and has 'burger' in his name. As part of our annual rookie hazing, we made Big Ben eat a six pound prime rib. We were told that we wouldn't have to pay for our meal if someone ate the 96 ounces of meat. He felt a little sick, especially after we put on about a half-pound of horseradish and a liter of au jus. But he got through it and it will make our team stronger. We keep the beef industry in business in this clubhouse. Beef works a lot better than steroids. Believe me."

Err McNair coach Dan Len erred when he benched the team's namesake in favor of Joey Harrington. Tim Rattay would have even produced a better result but not enough to overcome the difference. Coach Dan Len was angry but not about the game. "I'm still upset about having to buy all those strawberries out of season."

Shark Tank Football - Week 4 - Sponsored by the Commission on Shark Tank Debates

Mass chaos took place in the Shark Tank in Week 4. But cooler heads prevailed... but then again, do 'cooler heads' ever do anything but prevail?

THE BIG TRADE

The Itsarats dealt RB Rudi Johnson and WR Terrell Owens to the team formerly known as the Flying Pigskins in exchange for RB Jamal Lewis and WR Anquan Boldin.

Owens, who is arguably the most valuable player (arguably because of a scoring change - see below - otherwise he would be unquestionably the MVP) had long demanded a trade. Well, long being one week. After the team's victory last week, Owens could be seen screaming at quarterback Brett Favre and Itsarats offensive coordinator Deric Liu.

"Brett Favre just ain't good enough for T.O." said Owens. "T.O. wants to go to a team that throws a lot. Marc Bulger always throws since his team never wants to use their best player. But so long as they throw it T.O.'s way, T.O. will be happy."

Johnson was equally excited going to a first place team. "Times were good here but I think with this new team, we have a chance to win a title. This ain't a knock on my old teammates but they just weren't good enough. This team has got an unbelievable number of weapons. We can go all the way."

Meanwhile, at the Itsarats camp, the addition of Jamal Lewis was met with glee. Especially now that he won't be doing any prison time until after the season. "Jamal is a good guy that's just misunderstood," said coach Brent Liu. "I mean, so he may have been involved in drugs. It doesn't matter. If he can get me 100 yards and two touchdowns every week, I could care less what he does off the field. Unless he gets arrested again since then, he couldn't play. But we support him as a team and we're behind him 100%." When told that Lewis may still face league disciplinary action, Liu said, "Well, the league is unfairly singling him out. So he was dealing drugs. We've all made mistakes. As long we have him back for the stretch run and playoffs. This will keep him fresh anyway."

The addition of injured received Anquan Boldin was a nice throw-in. "Boldin is a stud. How the heck he caught 100 passes last year without a quarterback is a testament to his sticktuitiveness and teachability. He's going to be called upon come playoff time to come up big. In the meantime, everyone's got to pick up the slack a little bit. We lost two key guys but to get value, you have to give value. Sometimes, hehe."

COMMISSIONER ACKNOWLEDGES SCORING ERROR

It was discovered last week that passing touchdowns were counted equal to receiving and rushing touchdowns. This was met with surprise but the coaches agreed to keep the scoring as it was. "I mean, it makes sense," said Blue Power quarterback Peyton Manning. "I always thought this scoring was unfair to quarterbacks. This makes more sense. We all know that QB is the most important position."

But one owner in particular was visibly upset. "Of course I'm mad!" screamed This Team Stinks coach Elijah Liao. "I drafted Michael Vick in the third round because I was working under the belief rushing TDs would count more and Vick would run for at least five or six during the season. Now non-athletic white QBs such as Jake Delhomme may be worth as much as Vick. It's an outrage. A complete and utter outrage."

Majority rules however and there was a run on signing quarterbacks in Week 4 as Delhomme, David Carr and Ben Roethlisberger were all signed. "I hope the forward pass is outlawed," continued Liao. "Either that or every team must go back to the single-wing formation. Vick would rock."

Commissioner Robert Chinn said that the scoring change would stand. Liao was not assuaged. "I think it kinda smells if an owner also happens to be commissioner. There's gotta be a conflict of interest in there somewhere...."

The Itsarats 95.21 - Ophir Gophirs 60.90

Priest Holmes had two touchdowns and new Itsarats toy Jamal Lewis both reached double figures as the Itsarats (3-1) coasted to an easy win over the Gophirs (1-3).

Coach Brent Liu was giddy that he has arguably the two most valuable backs in football but he quickly squashed any thoughts of a running back controversy. "They are both my backs. They'll both play. There is no controversy here. Nothing is more divisive to a team that controversy. That's why we had to get rid of Owens. The guy just wouldn't shut up."

Holmes was asked whether he would do a better job than Lewis in preventing another Week 2-type collapse on the Itsarats. "Yes, I do. But before I answer further, let me thank you for asking that question and hosting this press conference. And I'm sure Jamal will join me in welcoming you guys into the press room. You've been through the roughest weeks that anyone could imagine. And our hearts go out to you." Reporters were bemused by Holmes' response.

Shazaam!! 88.72 - Err McNair 45.14

In an intranecine battle of Lens, it was Aaron Len, who described his Shazaam!! (2-2) as "the best [formerly] 1-2 team in football" who lambasted his elder brother's Err McNair nee Portis for President (1-3).

New quarterback David Carr was able to finally cut his hair after Shazaam!! won its second game of the season. "His hair was in the awkward phase," said world-renowned stylist Vidal Sassoon. "I could see he was trying to give his hair a little more sheen and volume but he decided to snip it instead. Japanese hair-straightening is very popular today. But David had just a slight and subtle curl that was exciting. From a styling standpoint, long hair is sexy. But not this long."

Along with Carr, it was the University of Miami triumvirate of Andre Johnson, Edgerrin James and Reggie Wayne that lifted the team. But they were emotionally hurt by the exclusion of fellow Hurricane Bubba Franks from the lineup. "All for one and one for all!" said Johnson. "We all play or we don't. This league would be nothing if it weren't for us guys that played at the 'U'."

Meanwhile, Err McNair coach Dan Len figured that things could not get much worse so the Portis for President Board of Directors authorized the name change. "Curse? Who cares. We're 1-3. If any curse hits us, we'll be better for it." Curse #1 was in the person of injured quarterback Steve McNair who was a game-time scratch. There were mediocre performances across the board. "We needed to change the name because Clinton Portis kept dropping the ball.

"One director thought about changing the team's name to 'Clinton for President' but we figured that was inappropriate given another Clinton's history of questionable decisions, deception to Americans, and problematic character. But enough about Hillary."

Len looked for other players to use for the team's moniker including his rookie wideout Keary Colbert. "'Keary for President' was considered but eventually dismissed because the directors kept flip-flopping about whether to keep the name."

Tiki Torry Terrell 61.86 - unDaunted 55.56

TTT (3-1), the team formerly known as the Flying Pigskins, won their third straight game thanks to large games from tailbacks Tiki Barber and DeShaun Foster as they took advantage of a shorthanded unDaunted (1-3), who lacked the services of Daunte Culpepper and Randy Moss. unDaunted dropped their third straight after their opening week win.

The big hubbub after the game was the absence of newly acquired receiver Terrell Owens. The trade was completed on Saturday in time for the game but Owens did not show up until after the game started. Coach Kalvin Sid was in a forgiving mood. "We won the game... that's what counts. We could have used T.O. but it wasn't a big deal. You just have to deal with distractions in a timely manner." Sid was asked he knew whether Owens would be there by gametime. "No, but when you get the best receiver in football, who cares??"

Some columnists criticized the 3 Ts for acquiring Owens who has had a past of being disruptive in the clubhouse. Sid said, "I understand not everybody in this clubhouse agrees with the decisions I've made. And I've made some tough decisions. But people know where I stand. Fans out there listening know what I believe. I have a duty to defeat my enemies. I have a duty to protect our children and grandchildren."

unDaunted coach Laurie Len was still proud of her team's effort. "We got some good work from guys like Bryant Westbrook and Jimmy Smith but it just wasn't enough." However, some members of the press questioned Len's commitment to her team because of her motherhood. "Priorities are priorities. Being a mother is hard work and I get a lot more satisfaction out of that than winning a stupid football game. Unless it's against my husband. You tell me how many other coaches in the league are being a mother to children."

Just Stew It 87.11 - Blue Power 43.22

The New England connection paced Just Stew It (3-1) into first place in the Shark Tank with a decisive win against the defending champion Blue Power (2-2).

Tom Brady, Corey Dillon, Adam Vinatieri and the defense accounted for more points that the entire Blue Power output for Week 4. Brady said, "You want winners on your team and there aren't any bigger winners than those guys. In fact, during the week after practice, they're out and about around New England. They're out in leading Duck Tours down the Charles, cleaning the peanut shells at Fenway, raking the lovely fall foliage up in Vermont, and teaching astrophysics at M.I.T. These are the type of guys you want in your clubhouse. Good for team chemistry. Or astrophysics."

Just Stew It coach Stewart Chang was quoted earlier this week about "colossal misjudgments" made by his counterpart, Willie Wang. When asked again after the game, Chang said, "Well, where do you want me to begin? He made the mistake of going into this battle without a strong coalition. He had a strong leader in Manning but lacked the support of the troops behind him. What we saw was a failure in leadership." Wang fought back. "These are some the hardest decisions a coach has to make," said Wang in rebuttal.

Meanwhile, Blue Power was without running backs Curtis F. Martin and Onterrio Smith. To complicate matters, Smith has been suspended four games by the league office for substance abuse. "We can't tolerate drug use in the Shark Tank," said Wang. "We'll have to make do without him."

Peyton Manning was a one-man show but Manning started griping about the lack of personnel around him. "I can't win unless I have guys to throw to. Look at my receivers. They stink." Manning was asked if he wanted a trade. "Who do you think I am? My brother? I will stick with the team that drafted me. Unless they move to San Diego."

THE JUNGERNAUT 68.98 - This Team Stinks 41.25

This Team Stinks (1-3) got another negative performance from an important player as they fell to THE JUNGERNAUT (3-1) and tumbled the Shark Tank cellar. This time, Kerry Collins, starting in favor of Michael Vick, turned the ball over five times.

"I feel like plankton. This must be what it feels like to be a flouder," said coach Elijah Liao. Liao has had to deal with a difficult clubhouse caused by the team's bumpy start. Some players think Liao has lost control of the team. Liao was not happy. "We got... a... group of folks that who will not only sabotage this clubhouse but kill any chances we have of making the playoffs."

However, Stinks' team leaders questioned Liao's ability to lead. "He's whining about the rule changes. He benches me, our best player," said Vick. "We need a coach who understands how to bring other players together to recognize their stakes in this. They have stakes in it. They've always had stakes in it. But our coach has pushed them away and said, 'No, no. We'll go do this alone.' That's not a way to invite people."

Liao responded. "That's totally absurd. Of course other players we're invited in. Vick says we don't have any allies in this game. What's he say to Ahman Green of Green Bay? What's he say to Josh Scobee of Jacksonville? Vick can't expect to build an alliance by denigrating the contributions of those he hopes to be winning side by side with on the gridiron."

Vick responded, "When we went in, we had me, Green and [Kevan] Barlow. That's not a grand coalition, we could do better."

Liao said, "Well, actually, he forgot Scobee. Our coalition is strong so long as I'm the coach." Vick was last seen laughing and shaking his head.