Shark Tank Football - Week 11 - Sponsored by Tru Warier Records and Ron Artest

The goal of the regular season is to just get into the playoffs. Once you get there, you just never know what's going to happen.

Stewart's Just Stew It had an incredible Monday night performance to rally for victory against Elijah's This Team Stinks to surge into first place. Brent's HeHateShaq also emerged victorious to keep pace while Kal's Tiki Torry Terrell fell one game behind. However, thanks to losses at the bottom of the standings, all three teams clinched playoff berths. Meanwhile, Aaron's Shazaam! and Byron's THE JUNGERNAUT pulled off critical wins to greatly improve their postseason hopes.

Here are the standings with three games to go:

Rk   Team                   W-L   Total     Avg 

 1*  Just Stew It           8-3   998.35   90.76

 2*  HeHateShaq             8-3   908.00   82.55

 3*  Tiki Torry Terrell     7-4   987.23   89.75

 4   Blue Power             6-5   989.62   89.96

 5   Ophir Gophirs          6-5   838.31   76.19

 6   Shazaam!               5-6   910.78   82.80

 7   THE JUNGERNAUT         5-6   817.11   74.28

 8   This Team Stinks       4-7   833.92   75.81

 9   unDaunted              3-8   918.63   83.52

10   Err McNair             3-8   778.26   70.75

Well, aside from the national renown that the Shark Tank Football League usually receives from the print and electronic media, the big sports story this week was the Malice in the Palace. Ron Artest decided to take matters into his own hands and as a result, he was suspended for the rest of the basketball season. So Artest, after doing an interview for the Today show, had plenty of time to drop by and give his thoughts on the violence that is professional football. Unfortunately, things eventually got ugly in the Shark Tank League Office.

Shazaam! 96.76 - Tiki Torry Terrell 76.32

After holding sole possession of first place just two weeks ago, Tiki Torry Terrell (7-4) finds itself in the midst of a two-game losing streak as they were soundly defeated at the hands of Shazaam! (5-6). Shazaam! maintains their hold on the sixth spot in the Shark Tank standings.

Shazaam! were led by Edgerrin James who ran for 204 yards and a touchdown. Reggie Wayne caught two touchdown passes as part of a 106-yard day receiving. Jerome Bettis continued his surprising and strong season with another 129 yards. Meanwhile, TTT got touchdowns from Torry Holt and Terrell Owens and a nice game from Drew Brees who threw for one touchdown and ran for another. The defense also registered four takeaways and a score but otherwise, TTT got little help.

Artest was asked whether Tiki Torry Terrell should be accused of choking having lost their last two games. "Hey man!" Artest exclaimed as he stood up and threatened yours truly. "I didn't choke nobody. I ain't no Sprewell. It was as good clean game and Big Ben Afro Wallace had to push me after I barely touched him. It his fault. I don't know why y'all are getting mad at me." Artest then took the monitor that was next to him and heaved it onto the ground. "Choke that!" Unfortunately, Artest stormed out before he could make a statement about the game.

HeHateShaq 63.34 - Err McNair 52.13

In the lowest scoring matchup of the week, HeHateShaq (8-3) overcame a shaky performance to topple Shark Tank cellar dweller Err McNair (3-8). HeHateShaq moves up one spot into the #2 position and is tied with Just Stew It for first place but trails by 38 points. Err McNair is in tenth place but is only one game behind This Team Stinks for the eighth and final playoff spot.

Brett Favre led a late rally to throw for 383 yards, a touchdown and two interceptions. Nate Burleson continued to shine in his new role as a top receiver with another touchdown catch and Antonio Gates solidified his position as the Shark Tank's top tight end with another huge day - 101 yards and his ninth touchdown of the season. Rookie Kevin Jones ran for 100 yards.

For Err McNair, Chad Johnson had a spectacular touchdown catch but little else went right in what is turning into a lost season. The team signed Nick Goings but not in time for Week 11. Quarterback Joey Harrington did not even eclipse 100 yards passing. The team is now on the verge of playoff elimination.

After being promised an opportunity to plug his record company's new album, Artest calmed down and reentered the interview room. Artest wanted to talk about HeHateShaq running back Jamal Lewis, who was suspended two games earlier this season and missed Sunday's action with a sprained ankle that may cause him to miss two more games. "I respect the decision of Commissioner Rob Chinn but I thought the suspension to Lewis was too much. I mean, he didn't do anything on the field. That's just unfair. But I still respect his decision."

"Sorry, Ron, but based upon your comment, you don't sound like you really respect the decision of the Commissioner."

"Well, I just try to stay positive," said Artest as he pointed at the camera, smiled and gave a thumbs-up. "It's all about the love. Jamal's fans came out to support him just like my fans will continue to support me and the Pacers. But yeah, I still thought Jamal's suspension was not fair."

Just Stew It 90.35 - This Team Stinks 74.96

Just Stew It (8-3) got huge performances on Monday night to rally for a win against the fledgling This Team Stinks (4-7). Just Stew It moves into a first place tie with HeHateShaq for first place and sits atop the standings with 998 points. If the playoffs started today, these two teams would be first round opponents.

Just Stew It trailed 74.96 - 37.88 going into Monday night's action. But Eddie Kennison and Corey Dillon each scored two touchdowns and Adam Vinatieri and the defense more than made up the deficit.

Jake Delhomme shook off a fractured thumb to throw for two touchdowns giving him eight in the last three weeks. Michael Pittman carried 21 times for 106 yards and two touchdowns. The This Team Stinks defense continued to marvel as they had three sacks, two interceptions and a fumble recovery along with their league-leading fifth defensive touchdown. But unfortunately, it wasn't enough.

Artest was really excited. Not about this game but about promoting his record label's new CD. "It's all about Allure." Artest was donning his Tru Warier record label T-shirt during the interview and not at all bashful on referencing Allure's new CD . In fact, I think I need some time off from this interview to pursue my career. Maybe I'll retire from record producing and do what I've really wanted to always do: be a musher in the Iditarod. I got the time off from basketball. If I hurry up, I can still round up enough dogs to put together and train for the race.

"And I'll still be back in time for the NBA regular season… I mean, NBA playoffs. Same thing. So I'm missing 73 preseason games. If I can get back in time, I'll be there for the start of the season."

I asked him, "You know, Allure hasn't really done anything the last seven years or so. And their biggest song was a cover of Lisa Lisa's 'All Cried Out.' Why bother promoting such an average group of vocalists?"

"Hey, I'm just tryin' to keep it real and positive, man. The CD, Chapter III, comes out today. Check it out, yo. And I'll see y'all in Anchorage."

THE JUNGERNAUT 87.27 - unDaunted 76.92

THE JUNGERNAUT decided to rejoin the league after a three-week absence and put his best team forward. THE JUNGERNAUT (5-6) snapped a five-game losing streak with an important victory against unDaunted (3-8) and secured its playoff position with a one game lead over This Team Stinks and a two game lead against unDaunted and Err McNair.

THE JUNGERNAUT's Donovan F. McNabb fired four touchdown passes and LaDainian Tomlinson, feeling much better after being hindered by a sore groin, carried the ball 37 times for 164 yards and a score. For unDaunted, Daunte Culpepper had two touchdown throws and Reuben Droughns had 191 yards from scrimmage and a touchdown. Tight end Alge Crumpler had two touchdown catches but the team got little else from its offense.

Artest likened his inevitable return to the NBA to the return of THE JUNGERNAUT. "It was as if they were suspended for five games and picked up right where they left off. That team is like the Pacers. They lose a few guys but they'll be there for the playoffs. We're going to win this championship and even if I don't play, I'll support my team. I just have three goals in life. To win an MVP, a ring, and get this Allure CD to platinum. That would be off the hook."

"Ron, what do you think about the state of football today? There's a lot of violence out there. What kind of message does that send to the children?"

"Hey, yo. I got four kids of my own. I don't want them to see me out there like that."

"I'm talking about football, Ron. But since you brought up last Friday night's fight…"

"Yo, it all your fault that you media keep showing the game. I don't want my kids to see that stuff. But while it was an unfortunate incident, it wasn't all my fault. I was just trying to keep it chill. I feel bad for Ben since he had a death in his family so maybe he was not all there. Keep fightin', bro. I know what it's like to not be all there."

Blue Power 103.75 - Ophir Gophirs 102.84

Speaking of five-game streaks that were snapped, Blue Power (6-5) edged the Gophirs (6-5) to stop Ophir's five-game winning streak. The narrow Blue Power win moves Blue into a fourth place tie with the Gophirs and the two teams would be playoff opponents if the season ended today. Blue Power with 989.62 points is only nine points off Just Stew It for the most points accumulated which illustrates that they need to be taken as a serious championship threat.

That threat is thanks to the right arm of Peyton Manning who continues his assault on history with four more touchdown passes to give him 35 on the season. Muhsin Muhammad has surprisingly regained his Pro Bowl form of 1999 and 2000 as he had 119 yards and two touchdowns and set a career high with his ninth touchdown catch. Rookie Larry Fitzgerald had a big day with 92 yards and a score and has emerged as one of the most dependable rookie players.

For the Gophirs, Trent Green's two touchdown performance made it close but Derrick Blaylock came up about 14 yards short of an Ophir win. It was a balanced effort as six players including the defense got into the end zone and the other two skill players that failed to score each surpassed 100 yards from scrimmage.

A critical missed PAT by rookie kicker Nate Kaeding would also have provided the difference. But Coach Robert Chinn refused to blame the kicker… at first. "Well, you can't blame one player - it's a team sport. Circumstances of the game may have changed and you never know what… oh, who the heck are we kidding. STOOPID KICKER!!! He cost us the game. I hate the guy. But he's a rookie so he's got intrinsic value that isn't totally quantifiable."

We decided to take a break from the interview so Artest headed to the water cooler. But he arrived just as one of the Shark Tank's interns got there and started filling his Nalgene bottle. Artest shoved him out of the way. After some jawing, cooler heads prevailed and Artest returned to the Shark Tank's luxuriously decorated green room and laid out on the plush lounge chair. Another intrepid Shark Tank intern decided to have a little fun. He had just finished his Peet's latte and decided to throw the empty cup in Artest's direction. It struck Artest on the chest and he did not take too kindly to the projectile hurled at him. He quickly jumped out of his chair and went after the intern. Unfortunately, he went after the wrong intern and started flailing at the intern he encountered at the water cooler.

Artest's bodyguard decided to join in and coldcocked the interviewer. Finally, the assistant to the commissioner, who felt she had long been underpaid, decided to exact some revenge so she took her office chair and fired it into the middle of the melee. All of the employees at the Shark Tank Headquarters and Ron Artest's posse started getting into it.

After much pushing, tackling and shoving, things appeared to finally settle down. But then someone pulled the Allure CD advertising cards off the end table in the Shark Tank lobby and hurled them at Artest. Artest got angry once again and punched out a couple of the Shark Tank's researchers and engineers. A couple bouncers in black T-shirts came in and tried to pull Artest away. Then an older Caucasian man with curly hair and wire-rim glasses entered the building. He asked Artest, "Why are you so angry?" Artest just responded by kicking him in the groin. That set off another set of fisticuffs that resulted in some of the observing interns chanting "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!"

It all finally ended when the interviewer told Artest the whole fracas resulted in a huge increase in Allure III CD sales. Artest dusted himself off and could be heard to mutter, "It is far, far better thing I do than I have ever done. It is a far, far better record I produce than I have ever produced."

Jerry Springer then sat on a stool and gave his final thought once he regained his voice after being kicked. "Why do NBA players and athletes fight with fans? It's a mystery. Is there that much jealousy between millionaire players and their high-rolling fans that fans expect to have a part in the action? Jealousy causes people to do strange and vengeful things and sometimes, we need to step back and wonder if it's really all worth it. So remember, take care of yourselves. And each other."

Shark Tank Football - Week 10 - Sponsored by Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger

We once again have a three-way tie atop the Shark Tank standings. Thanks to victories by Stewart's Just Stew It and Brent's HeHateShaq coupled with a loss by Kalvin's Tiki Torry Terrell, all three teams share first place with 7-3 records. TTT still has a slim lead on points in the race for the #1 seed. Rob's Gophirs continue their surge towards the top moving within one game of the leaders and the lower half of the standings got a little tighter with Week 10 in the Shark Tank. The standings:

 1  Tiki Torry Terrell      7-3     910.91

 2  Just Stew It            7-3     908.00

 3  HeHateShaq              7-3     886.73

 4  Ophir Gophirs           6-4     735.47

 5  Blue Power              5-5     885.87

 6  Shazaam!                4-6     814.42

 7  This Team Stinks        4-6     758.96

 8  THE JUNGERNAUT          4-6     729.84

 9  unDaunted               3-7     841.71

10  Err McNair              3-7     726.13

By popular demand, the Shark Tank was able to pull California governor Arnold Schwarzengger away from his busy schedule of running the state, negotiating gaming compacts with Indian tribes and petitioning for a Constitutional amendment to offer his comments on Week 10.

HeHateShaq 108.55 - Shazaam! 62.53

Brett Favre threw four touchdown passes and Nate Burleson had 152 yards and a score to lead HeHateShaq (7-3) to a convincing victory over the struggling Shazaam! (4-6). HeHateShaq regained a share of first place while Shazaam dropped their fourth out of their last five.

The HHS defense added a touchdown and a safety to bolster a solid offensive performance. Shazaam! got touchdown catches from Reggie Wayne and Jermaine Wiggins but also left their short yardage specialist, Jerome Bettis, on the bench. Shazaam!'s quarterback Matt Hasselbeck continues to struggle as his personal tailspin coincides with his team's losing stretch.

When asked whether Favre performed well, Schwarzenegger said, "Affirmative." Favre heard that and tried to coach the Governator on how to talk to the NFL press corps.

The three-time MVP said, "No, no, no! You gotta listen to the way people talk. You don't say 'affirmative' or 'negative' or stuff like that. You have to say 'no problemo.' And if someone in the press asks you a stupid question and comes off with an attitude, you say 'eat me.' And if you really want to shine them on, you say 'hasta la vista, baby.'"

Later on, Schwarzenegger was asked by HeHateShaq Coach Brent Liu whether the Shark Tank should retain the rookie rule. Schwarzenegger said, "I think it's a good rule. We value the contributions of the young players." Liu disagreed, "I HATE the rookie rule." Schwarzenegger would have none of it. "Hasta la vista, baby." He pulled out his rocket launcher, pointed it at the HeHateShaq training compound and torched it.

Upon seeing the wreckage Liu said, "Geez, thanks a lot."

To that, Schwarzenegger replied, "No problemo."

Ophir Gophirs 93.42 - This Team Stinks 84.98

Waiver wire acquisition and former This Team Stinks running back Derrick Blaylock had 224 total yards and a touchdown as the Gophirs (6-4) won their fifth straight game with a narrow victory over This Team Stinks (4-6). This is the second former This Team Stinks player that has come back to haunt his former team after Rod Gardner torched This Team Stinks in Week 8 with two touchdowns.

Deuce McAllister had 127 yards rushing and a touchdown. The Gophirs defense registered four sacks, two interceptions, two recovered fumbles and a touchdown. For This Team Stinks, quarterback Jake Delhomme had his second straight big game with three scoring passes and Kevan Barlow hit paydirt twice but it was not enough to overcome the balanced Ophir attack.

Schwarzenegger was critical of the performance of This Team Stinks. "Except for Delhomme and Barlow, the team played like a group of girlie men. You can't play football wearing a skirt and a tutu."

There has been much discussion of rules, rookies and legal matters at the Shark Tank water cooler the last several days. Schwarzenegger decided to campaign for the office of league commissioner and criticized the current leadership in the league. "There are too many special interest groups in the league office. There are too many kickbacks - diapers, cat food, toys that are affecting the governance of the league. The single people and those without children are being left behind because they cannot receive the benefits. If I am commissioner, I will turn the league away from a group of girlie men and pump… them up."

Things got testy for Schwarzenegger at the league office when he was asked what the difference between him and other league commissioners. He responded, "The difference is… I'm just going to kill them." At that moment, Schwarzenegger saw a raven flying by. He pulled out his shotgun and blew the raven into a million pieces. Schwarzenegger warned the league: "CAW THIS. This raven will never be seen again."

Just Stew It 101.41 - Tiki Torry Terrell 82.28

Wide receiver Joe Horn dialed up 167 receiving yards and a touchdown and Adam Vinatieri booted five field goals to move Just Stew It (7-3) into a first place tie with Tiki Torry Terrell (7-3) after a solid win between the two top teams in the Shark Tank.

Terrell Owens tried to rally TTT after a Monday night performance that saw him haul in three touchdown passes to give him a league-leading dozen. Tiki Barber had 160 yards and a touchdown but TTT was hurt by an injury to Torry Holt early in the game. Holt was hit hard coming across the middle and had to leave the game with a concussion though he was able to leave the field under his own power.

Injuries are a part of the game as Schwarzenegger reacted to the Holt injury. "Torry was fortunate he just had a concussion. Because even though I didn't go to medical school, I know a thing or two about injuries. Broken limbs, gunshot wounds, abrasions. All I know is that if it bleeds, we can kill it. Players, football teams, whatever."

Holt was feeling a little woozy after the game. Governor Schwarzenegger could relate. "He must have a pretty bad concussion. I can relate but I once thought, 'If I am not me, who the heck am I?' So concussions can cause some bad headaches which is probably what Torry has."

Holt, still not quite all there, responded to the Governator, "Maybe it's a tumor."

"IT'S NOT A TUMOR!"

Err McNair 79.72 - THE JUNGERNAUT 76.12

Err McNair went into Monday night's game with a 20+ point lead. THE JUNGERNAUT's Donovan McNabb threw four touchdown passes but Err McNair tight end Jason Witten had two touchdown receptions as Err McNair (3-7) held off the fading JUNGERNAUT (4-6) who have now lost five in a row.

Domanick Davis also scored twice for THE JUNGERNAUT while rookie sensation Michael Clayton had 90 yards receiving and a score. Josh Brown kicked four field goals. However, the big story is the absence of any activity since November 3 by THE JUNGERNAUT owner Byron Jung. The inactivity has raised eyebrows in Sacramento as some of those five consecutive losses may have been avoided had there been regular substitutions of inactive players.

Schwarzenegger likened Jung's inactivity to the Indian gaming crisis in California. "Our previous administration tried to negotiate these compacts but we started down this slippery slope. We need activity not inactivity. First, 2,000 slot machines. But now they have these video slot machines. They must stop or I will have to blow them up. The ongoing pacts must be TERMINATED. We need new agreements that promise the good people of California more money. We need that money especially since I am not raising any taxes. So I remind all of you to vote NO on 68 and NO on 70."

Schwarzenegger was told by an aide that Election Day was two weeks ago and neither 68 nor 70 came close to approval. The Governator seemed content. "The voters of California have spoken. California WILL BE BACK."

unDaunted 140.98 - Blue Power 124.14

unDaunted finally came out on top of a high-powered shootout. Daunte Culpepper's 363 yards and four touchdowns matched Peyton Manning's 320 yards, five touchdowns and two interceptions and Brian Westbrook's return sparked unDaunted (3-7) to the Shark Tank's largest single-week point total of the season as they outlasted Blue Power (5-5).

Muhsin Muhammad had three touchdown catches and Curtis Martin ran for two scores for the outgunned Blue Power. unDaunted got seven double-digit performances. Brandon Stokley and newly acquired T.J. Duckett had two touchdowns. Jimmy Smith and Alge Crumpler each broke for long touchdown catches as the team combined for 12 touchdowns including a 101 yard interception return on defense.

Schwarzenegger was supremely impressed by the two quarterbacks. The Shark Tank Football Blog was asked to compare Manning and Culpepper. The Governator watched both of them standing shirtless in a laboratory and gave his assessments.

Manning just started rambling. "Cut that meat! Cut that meat!" said Manning. He turned to an accountant in the room. "You're my favorite accountant! I have you on my fantasy team!"

Schwarzenegger responded, "He is a quarterback. A cybernetic organism. Living tissue under a metal endoskeleton. That's how he has able to not miss a start in eight years and be so productive."

He then turned to Culpepper and Schwarzenegger was amazed by his size, speed, agility and arm strength. We asked Schwarzenegger, "He's a quarterback too, right?"

The Governator said, "Not like Manning. A T-1100. Advanced prototype. A mimetic polyalloy."

"What does that mean?"

"Liquid metal. Culpepper can morph into anything it samples by physical contact. He and his counterpart Randy Moss form a cybermetallic bond that allows them to have touchdown passes and catches unlike anybody else."

"Whoa. This is deep. But what happened to Moss? He's been hurt the last few weeks."

"Hamstring injury. I was asked by all the other owners to acquire and terminate Moss. However, Commissioner Rob Chinn told me that I was not to kill anybody and I swore that I wouldn't. So when I acquired the target, I shot him in the upper leg and turned to Chinn and said, 'He'll live.'"

Chinn was hopeful that the Governator would learn the value of human life. "The luxury of hope was given to us by the Governator. Because if a governor can learn the value of human life, maybe we can too…."

Shark Tank Football - Week 9 - Sponsored by Charles Barkley

Well, the NBA season has started which means Charles Barkley from Inside the NBA is back on the air. But as viewers of the show surely know, Barkley will not limit his insightful, honest and pointed commentary to matters of the Association. He took time from his busy broadcast schedule, tee times and his Alabama gubernatorial campaign to present his opinions on Week 9 in the Shark Tank.

First, the Week 9 standings as every team has squared off against the others:

 1  Tiki Torry Terrell      7-2     830.16

 2  Just Stew It            6-3     806.59

 3  HeHateShaq              6-3     778.18

 4  Blue Power              5-4     761.73

 5  Ophir Gophirs           5-4     642.05

 6  Shazaam!                4-5     751.89

 7  This Team Stinks        4-5     673.98

 8  THE JUNGERNAUT          4-5     653.72

 9  unDaunted               2-7     700.73

10  Err McNair              2-7     646.41

Tiki Torry Terrell 87.54 - HeHateShaq 73.50

In a match-up of two of the three 6-2 teams in the Shark Tank, TTT (7-2) took sole possession of first place as they continued to be the hottest team in the league as they won their third straight and seventh out of their last eight with a sound victory over HeHateShaq (6-3). Meanwhile, HeHateShaq drops into a second-place tie with Just Stew It but falls into the #3 position as they lost 27 points to Just Stew It in the points race.

TTT got solid performances across the board. Tiki Barber scored two more touchdowns and Torry Holt had 111 yards receiving and a score. Hines Ward added two touchdowns, one receiving and one rushing.

Ward playfully mocked Terrell Owens after scoring by doing Owens' bird dance. Ward placed the football on the turf, placed his right atop it and started flapping his arms. Ward was just funnin' T.O. "Yeah, I was just havin' a good time. It's a good thing he can score touchdowns otherwise he'd just be a bad dancer." Owens, who has given out his share of mockery this season kept his arms to himself after a quiet game. "I know who I am. I'm the most unselfish player on the team. I would never call out a teammate or a coach during a game and make a scene. That's not my style. I try to remain as understated as possible."

TTT overcame a curious benching of MVP candidate Drew Brees in favor of Aaron Brooks. Brooks only had 173 yards and one touchdown with an interception. Meanwhile, Brees fired four more touchdowns giving him 18 on the year and added 285 yards to his toteboard.

HeHateShaq got three more touchdown catches from stud tight end Antonio Gates and the return of Jamal Lewis helped… but not enough to overcome a strong performance by TTT. Vinny Testaverde not only laid an egg, the egg didn't have any yolk in it as the former Heisman Trophy winner had four turnovers.

Barkley was critical of HeHateShaq. "They not really that good. They do it with smoke and mirrors. They the most overrated team in the league. You can write that down. Their receivers are terrible and they have gotten lucky." When asked whether HeHateShaq had any redeeming qualities, Barkley said. "No."

Barkley continued when asked about TTT's decision to start Brooks over Brees. "Coach Sid made a bad choice startin' a brother over a white guy. That's fantasy football rule #1 - never start a black QB. Look at THE JUNGERNAUT - they did the same thing startin' Donovan McNabb and they lost. Always start a white guy at QB but not anywhere else except for kickers. How come there ain't no black kickers in the NFL? At least there are some good black soccer players like Thierry Henry and Edgar Davids. But they ain't American."

This Team Stinks 112.21 - unDaunted 58.43

This Team Stinks (4-5) rebounded from a loss to win their third in their last four with a convincing win over the fading unDaunted (2-7).

Waiver wire pickups Jake Delhomme and Shayne Graham each contributed to This Team Stinks' impressive total. Delhomme threw for 299 yards and three touchdowns while Graham kicked four field goals. Michael Pittman had 158 combined yards and three scores and the defense scored their fourth touchdown of the year.

The defeat could've been worse had This Team Stinks started Darrell Jackson who scored twice. "I was told he was out by my inside sources in Seattle," said Coach Elijah Liao. "But they LIED to me. Lying is wrong. So there."

Barkley did not totally agree with Liao's assessment of morality. "Man, that Elijah is stupid. We all stupid. But what he said is really dumb. Lying is only lying if he get caught. If he stupid enough to get caught, he deserves to be punished. President Clinton did something men do all the time but he was stupid to get busted. But man, did you see those chicks he with? Man, they a bunch of dogs. C'mon Bill! You could've done better than that! You were the president! And like me, he was no role model either."

Ophir Gophirs 105.47 - Just Stew It 100.88

Marvin Harrison, who had six catches for 81 yards, did just enough on Monday night to inch the Gophirs (5-4) to a close win ahead of Just Stew It (6-3). Despite a very slow start and the smallest point total in the Shark Tank, the Gophirs have rallied to win their fourth in a row and move into the #5 position in the standings. Meanwhile, Just Stew It's second straight loss dropped them one game behind Tiki Torry Terrell into second place.

The Gophirs continued to show improvement as they flashed consistently up and down the lineup. Trent Green led the way with three touchdown passes and Willis McGahee continued his hot streak with his third straight 100-yard game. Ashley Lelie and Jeremy Shockey each had touchdown receptions.

Just Stew It got two touchdown runs and 160 yards from Shaun Alexander and even a touchdown pass from kicker Adam Vinatieri. However, the abysmal performances by Keyshawn Johnson and Joe Horn proved to be costly as Just Stew It came up short.

Barkley commented how lucky the Gophirs are. "They don't deserve to be in the playoffs. They just stink. They terrible. The offense is terrible. Their defense is terrible and their special teams stink more than Kenny Smith's sneakers. I'll tell you what. If the Gophirs win the whole thing, I will personally kiss Kenny Smith's you-know-what."

Smith would not let that statement go uncontested. "Hey! You heard it here first! But you know what? The Gophirs didn't break 77 points the first seven weeks but have eclipsed 100 each of the last two. They for real. It's all about how you play at the end of the season. I can't wait until Charles gets to kiss my donkey again."

Shazaam! 61.14 - THE JUNGERNAUT 44.31

Two struggling teams, each coming in with three-game losing streaks. Something had to give. It was Shazaam! (4-5) snapping their three-game skid with a mediocre performance overcoming a terrible effort by THE JUNGERNAUT (4-5) who have now dropped four straight.

Neither team did much of anything. Edgerrin James had 179 total yards but Reggie Wayne scored the only touchdown for Shazaam! THE JUNGERNAUT got two touchdown runs from Domanick Davis but for the second week in a row, quarterback Jake Plummer threw four touchdown passes… from the bench.

"That was just a pathetic game," said Barkley. "That's like TNT sending me to watch a preseason game between the Clippers and the Warriors. Who the heck wants to watch that crap? They may as well start thinkin' about goin' fishin' already. I know the season's only half over but those teams are terrible. Why do we show highlights of this game? Nobody cares. Instead of wasting everyone's time talkin' about this game, let's talk about my new book. It'll be out next year and it'll be a heck of a lot better than stupid football. This ain't even real football. Why am I here anyway?"

Blue Power 99.06 - Err McNair 71.11

Blue Power (5-4) got four more touchdown passes from Peyton Manning to cruise to an easy win over Err McNair (2-7). Err McNair fell into a last place tie with unDaunted, both teams two games out of the eighth and final playoff spot.

Larry Fitzgerald and Tony Gonzalez each had touchdown catches and the return of suspended running back Onterrio Smith lifted Blue to their second straight win. Meanwhile, Clinton Portis is now officially the best quarterback on Err McNair as he fired a touchdown pass and ran for 147 yards in a losing effort.

Barkley didn't really want to talk about this game either. "Football is stupid game. It's just a bunch of fat guys running into each other. That's dumb. I've gained about 50 pounds since I retired from the NBA and I bet I can play football. But what I do like about football now is that there are more black quarterbacks and great ones like Donovan McNabb. Who would've ever thought that the best rapper is white, the best golfer is black and the arguably the best quarterback is black? What's this world comin' to? What's next a woman president? A black governor of Alabama? And kids these days are too stupid to read. All they do now is play games and we don't do nuthin' about it."

Shark Tank Football - Week 8 - Sponsored by President-elect George W. Bush

The regular season is now more than halfway complete. When former St. Louis Cardinals pitcher Joaquin Andujar was asked to describe baseball, Andujar said, "One word: 'youneverknow.'"

Well, you never know in the Shark Tank. The top four teams squared off against one another and the end result is a three-way tie in the standings by record with Kal Sid's Tiki Torry Terrell in the number one position on total points scored. The standings after Week 8:

 1  Tiki Torry Terrell      6-2   742.62

 2  Just Stew It            6-2   705.71

 3  ComeBackSoonJamal       6-2   704.68

 4  Blue Power              4-4   662.67

 5  THE JUNGERNAUT          4-4   609.41

 6  Ophir Gophirs           4-4   536.58

 7  Shazaam!                3-5   690.75

 8  This Team Stinks        3-5   561.77

 9  unDaunted               2-6   642.30

10  Err McNair              2-6   575.30

President George W. Bush took time out on the busy campaign trail on Tuesday from Ohio to give his thoughts on the goings-on in the Shark Tank, the most influential football league on earth. He gave some additional thoughts as he basked in his presidential victory on Wednesday morning.

ComeBackSoonJamal 101.19 - Just Stew It 73.34

ComeBackSoonJamal successfully endured the two-week absence of Jamal Lewis as CBSJ (6-2) snapped Just Stew It's (6-2) four-game winning streak with a convincing win between the #1 and #3 teams in the Shark Tank.

Priest Holmes had 225 yards from scrimmage and added three more touchdowns giving him seven scores in the last two weeks. Antonio Gates was on the business end of two touchdown throws and CBSJ added a defensive touchdown.

Just Stew It received another solid performance from rookie quarterback Ben Roethlisberger who threw two touchdown passes and got strong efforts from Shaun Alexander (208 total yards, two touchdowns) and Keyshawn Johnson (80 yards, two touchdowns). Unfortunately, injuries kept Corey Dillon from starting and total ineffectiveness from Drew Bennett, Eric Johnson and Fred Taylor led to Just Stew It's second defeat.

President Bush was effusive in his praise for Holmes. "As you know, I'm a deeply religious man. And unlike my opponent, you know what I believe and you know what you're getting with me. And any religious man needs to have a priest at his side. Just like CBSJ, a priest will lead them."

Last week, Kerry commented on his feelings on where Holmes would be drafted. Bush reacted tersely. "Read my lips, we will not have an all-volunteer army. I have spoken to… what… I mean… we will NOT have a DRAFT. That's right. Draft. No draft. That's what I meant. I don't know where these rumors of drafts get started on the Internet."

Tiki Torry Terrell 112.70 - THE JUNGERNAUT 81.80

As quoted on Saturday's unrelated FBA draft, THE JUNGERNAUT (4-4) are now the JUNGER-NOT. This after their third straight loss, this time at the hands of Tiki Torry Terrell (6-2). TTT moved into a first-place tie and becomes the #1 seed on total points scored.

But it wasn't merely the efforts of MVP candidate Tiki Barber (111 total yards and two touchdowns) or Terrell Owens (101 yards and a score) but the surprising and much-maligned Drew Brees who fired five touchdown passes en route to a career game.

For THE JUNGERNAUT, Rod Smith had 214 yards and a touchdown but the ill-timed benching of Jake Plummer in favor of Donovan McNabb cost THE JUNGERNAUT a possible victory. While McNabb threw for 219 yards and a touchdown, Plummer set a franchise-record with 499 yards passing and four touchdowns against three interceptions.

President Bush commented on the McNabb/Plummer situation and highlighted how important it was to have the right man in the right position at the right time. "It's important to have a leader that understands the troops. My opponent is always criticizing the events in Iraq. Has he been out there? No. I've been out there. I understand the morale of the great men and women in uniform for us. We need a leader that will support them, not denigrate and criticize their contributions like my opponent… wait. What was my point again? Oh, right. Plummer would've been a better choice than McNabb. It's all about making the right choices."

Err McNair 87.76 - This Team Stinks 56.48

The Curse of the Bambino may have been reversed but a new curse abounds: The Curse of Rod Gardner. Gardner was unceremoniously dropped by This Team Stinks earlier in Week 8 and was scooped up by Err McNair. Gardner exacted his revenge on This Team Stinks (3-5) as he caught two touchdown passes in a resounding Err McNair (2-6) victory, snapping a five-game skid.

Coach Dan Len was quite happy with the acquisition of Gardner. Len said, "We just keep hearing negative things about the environment and clubhouse of This Team Stinks. When Rod came over, he was amazed how more cohesive and upbeat the locker room was despite our bad record. I'm proud of how this team rallied together to beat a horrible, I mean, well-respected team. Yeah, respected."

President Bush lauded Err McNair for their winning effort despite difficult circumstances. "These brave men and women on Err McNair illustrated the American ideal - the underdog winning. I want people to understand that America is the underdog in the war on terror. They have many more resources than we do. They can hide and evade our undermanned troops. Bin Laden is a tricky enemy. But the underdog will prevail." Bush was told that America was a superpower compared to the underhanded guerrilla-type tactics of Al Qaeda. "That's nonsense. If we were stronger, we'd be winning the war on terror. I mean, we are winning the war on terror. We got Saddam. We'll get Obama. I mean, Osama. Democrats, terrorists - same thing."

Ophir Gophirs 110.17 - unDaunted 57.13

The resurgent Gophirs evened their record at 4-4 with their third straight win, this time defeating the undermanned unDaunted (2-6) who dropped their second straight and sixth out of their last seven.

Trent Green threw for 389 yards and three touchdowns, Marvin Harrison had 119 yards receiving and two scores and Willis McGahee broke through in his first starting assignment with 111 combined yards and two touchdowns.

unDaunted coach Laurie Len found her team shorthanded with injuries to Randy Moss and Brian Westbrook. Unfortunately for Len, she had David Givens and Chad Pennington on her bench that combined for over 43 points. However, the Gophirs dominated where their insertions would not have made a difference.

President Bush wanted to wait until the completion of Monday's games to ensure that the Gophirs won before he made a comment praising the Gophirs. "I didn't want to get ahead of myself declaring Ophir's win," said the President-elect. When told that the Gophirs took a 50-point lead and had the game wrapped up early Sunday as it was mathematically impossible for unDaunted to prevail, Bush was incredulous. "I learned after 2000 that you can never take anything for granted. I waited for Laurie's concession before I praised Rob's team. You can never be too sure. But the Shark Tank has spoken and has given the Gophirs a mandate. He is the commissioner. I have to praise him. That's politics."

Blue Power 127.21 - Shazaam! 90.48

Peyton Manning fired five more touchdown passes along with 472 yards to lead Blue Power (4-4) to the .500 mark with a strong performance against the fading Shazaam! (3-5). Blue has won three straight while Shazaam! has lost three in a row.

Plaxico Burress and Tony Gonzalez each had two touchdown receptions but it was Manning who was the story as he now has 22 touchdown passes in seven games. "I just try to help my team win," said Manning. For Shazaam!, it was another solid performance that came up short. "Our defense is terrible," said Shazaam! coach Aaron Len. "We can't stop anybody."

President Bush equated Shazaam!'s defense to his opponent's leadership. "You just never know what you're going to get," said the President. "He voted for the war and now is against it. You may not like what I believe but you know what you're going to get. I have never wavered in my beliefs. And I can say with great conviction that Peyton Manning is a leader like me. He decisively deploys his receivers into the pattern and utilizes them to win the war on the gridiron. I have deployed troops into Iraq and we have overthrown the most tyrannical and evil leader on earth. And like Manning is the Shark Tank MVP, I thank the American people for electing me and making me their MVP. It was a historic victory."

And now, a final word from the President of the United States…

"You know, entities like Shark Tank are the models for successful growth. Despite five different battles every single week, every owner is united in their purpose of making the Shark Tank a better place. They have been able to set aside petty differences, or in the case of This Team Stinks' results, very large differences, to come together and unite under one singular purpose: to kick the tar out of each other. And the owners unanimously respect the league's mission.

"We have come out of a period where our nation has been bitterly divided. But I just spoke with my opponent and Senator Kerry was extremely gracious. We agreed that we need to unite this nation. This is nation divided on health care, on Iraq, on Social Security, on taxes and on social issues.

"And like many Americans, I am sick and tired of the split that has caused a rending of our great nation. So the time is over for division and the time has come for unity. To my supporters, I will do my best to continue to be the leader and moral compass you have come to expect of me.

"As for those that supported my opponent, I will convince you that he was wrong and I am right. Uniting is not about compromising or reaching common ground. It is convincing those that didn't agreen with me that my opponent was misguided and that I am right. After all, now that I've been reelected and don't have to worry about reelection again, I can do whatever I want.

"So to my supporters, I love you and I thank you for your support, sacrifice and money from the bottom of my heart. And for my opponents, I will suggest you watch Terrell Owens' dance from last Sunday when he mocked Ray Lewis and imitated his famous dance. After the game Owens said, "If you don't like what I do, stop me from getting into the endzone."

"So I will now dance like John Kerry. If you don't like my dance, stop me from getting into the White House. Thank you. And may God bless America."

Meanwhile, President Bush starts to dance to the hook of P.Diddy's remix of "Hail to the Chief" with Vice President Cheney acting as the beatbox and Jenna and Barbara sing the hook:

Hail to the chief we have chosen for our nation
Hail to the chief, we salute him once and all
Hail to the chief as we pledge cooperation
In proud fulfillment of a great noble call

Hail to the chief...
Hail to the chief...
Aw yeah, hail to the chief...