Week Nine

Welcome to the Shark Tank, week eight.

Blockbuster trade as the Blue send Rich Gannon and Antwoin Smith to the liusers for Donovan McNabb and Meshawn Johnson.

It was a strange week as favorites were decimated by underdogs (THANKS, BRENT!) and some of the underdogs who should have won, rolled over and played dead (THANKS, DAN!).

Bleed Blue 50.82 - Sleepas 50.80
It is said that football is a game of inches and nowhere was it proven to be true than in the Blue - Sleepas game. The Blue (3-5) passed the Sleepas (4-4) by the merest of margins, 2 / 100ths of a point. Newly acquired Blue quarterback, Donovan McNabb, contributed a touchdown to the overall team effort and said afterwards, "Yah, this was a sweet victory for me, to get off a liuser team and get to a place where I could contribute, even be admired and loved. Yo, Chunky Soup, KISS MY. . .can." Also traded as part of the deal, Meshawn Johnson was seen in the locker room, hawking copies of his book, Just Give Me the Damn Ball.

The Sleepas, could not get anything going from the passing game and only generated offense from Jamal Lewis, who ran for 134 yards and a score. "If Jamal had run for an extra yard, we wouldn't be looking at the wrong side of a win. The mistake was that I didn't leave him in there long enough," said the Sleepas new running back coach, Grady Little. Reminded that Lewis played the whole game, Little replied, "Well, he's our ace, and I think he has enough in his tank. Besides he's rested a whole six days."

liusers 101.87 - Kitna Kaboodle 79.46
The other side of the McNabb/Gannon trade also fared well this week as the liusers (3-5) extended their longest win streak of the season to two at the expense of the formerly second place Kaboodle. Although the Kaboodle had steller performances by their defense and wideout Hines Ward (two touchdowns), they were skewered by the overacheiving Harris who surprised everybody by rambling for three trips to the end zone on only 81 yards.

Rubbing his hands together, Coach Brent Liu was happy enough to light up a cheroot with the guys down in the locker room. . .blithly dumped his ashes on a pile of unused Donovan McNabb jersies and remarked, "Ahhh, yes, I LIKE IT when a plan comes together. You like that Arlen Harris? I tell you, he was a GREAT pick."

Game Notes: Scary Collins was waived by the Kaboodle this week and when asked by a sideline reporter at a NBA preseason game, vowed revenge against his former mistress, referring to Coach Len, "I'll show them, I could have had a career day today, but I'll have to do that in a place where I could contribute, even be admired and loved."

Stews Crew 2 74.93 - Fumblers 69.99
After looking like they would challenge the league for top honors, the Crew (4-4) slumped into a three game losing streak which they snapped only this last weekend as they overcame the Fumblers (2-6) by only five points. The Crew's Payton Manning once again delivered the goods and Eddie George liked the end zone so much that he visited twice as Coach Chang's team climbed back to .500 to claim a piece of fourth place. Trying to divert attention from his emotional press conference last week, Coach Chang said, "It's great to finally get back into the win column, but truthfully, we know that the playoffs include practically everybody, so we were never really out of it. The guys were loose and we didn't panic; so we just focused on the post season. The win is just icing on the cake."

The Fumbler's Steven Davis ripped off 178 yards for two scores but was miffed in the postgame conference when Fumblers' coach, Byron Jung, referred to the star running back as "Grey Davis" who "isn't so good. . .oh, recalled?. . .I meant Chili Davis. . .oh, DH?. . .I meant Miles Davis. . .oh, the jazz great?. . .oh. . .he's dead?. . .oh. . . Darious Miles? Wrong sport? OH. . . .right, Steven Davis. Yah, he isn't so great. Just ask his mom." Steven Davis responded, "If it weren't for the fact that coach doesn't think anybody is good, I would be requesting a trade to a place where I could contribute, even be admired and loved. But it's ok, I'm happy enough here, so long as we keep getting free sodas in the locker room." The Fumblers' were let down by an uncharisteric day by MVP candidate, Steve McNair. "See? I told you he wasn't that good," lamented coach Jung.

Football Team 61.94 - flying pigskins 38.01
The Football Team improved their record to 6-2 by winning their fourth contest in a row. The now hot team has overcome consistency problems at the quarterback position after Aaron Brooks was benched for one start in favor of backup, Gus Frerotte, a few weeks ago. The young quarterback said before yesterday's game, "I think the turning point was when I sat down with coach after the benching and we had a heart to heart. Basically, I know that I'm in a place where I could contribute, even be admired and loved. That makes a big difference. Now that the baseball season is over, I think coach can focus on his job more." Coach Liao was unavailable at the postgame conference, some saying that they last saw the coach in his office muttering about the poor default rankings for Yahoo Baskeball autopick drafts.

The pigskins (2-6) are realizing that Brian Leftwich is not the rightwich answer, having completed three passes to opposing defenders in the contest, adding to the pigskin's woes is that Fraud Taylor beginning to look like a con man with only 48 yards on the ground. Once again, Leftwich and Taylor cannot be held totally responsible as they were betrayed by their kicker, Sebastian Janikowski, who was absent from the lineup with no explaination. The contestant of the Gillette pregame "Million Dollar Kick" contest had to be pressed into service, with predictable results--no points. Once again, pigskin Nation is left to answer "what ifs" concerning Daunte Culpepper, their other quarterback who rode the pine this weekend. When asked if the pigskins would seek to bolster their roster with the rumored signing of free agent, Amp Lee, Coach Sid replied, "I can't comment at this time, if we were interested in Amp Lee we would still have to secure the scouting reports. By the way, Madden 2003 isn't that much from Madden 2004, right? Well, just so, I assume that they do have a Game Boy Advance version, right? Otherwise, I'm toast."

Grant Gophirs 75.91- The Cough Drops, Presented by Ricola 61.07
Despite picking up much needed sponsorship revenue from selling their naming rights to cough drop conglomerate, Ricola, the Cough Drops (4-4) needed some anasthetic after the operation the league leading Gophirs (7-1) and Priest Holmes put them through. Holmes ran for only 83 yards, but it was an efficient 83 yards as he visited the end zone thrice. However, it was at some cost as the Gophirs will be without the services of their top rusher in Shark Tank action next week. "Incentive clause, after I dominate the league for eight weeks I get one week off to visit the Bahamas," noted Holmes--sporting a brightly colored Hawaiian shirt, banana leaf hat, flip flops, sunglasses and an umbrella drink, "check it out, it's in my contract; after all I'm in a place where I could contribute, even be admired and loved." Bemoaned Coach Chinn of the soon to be missing running back, "What are we going to do??? We have to rely on our second stringer. . .frankly, I sure hope [Ahman] Green is up to the task. We'll have to get him reps in practice and see how he fares."

The Cough Drops just weren't up to the task; perhaps it was the wildfires forcing the relocation of the Monday game to Arizona causing the Drops to miss their home field advantage. Whatever it was the Drops needed more from Thomlinson's one touchdown on 62 yards on the ground and 80 aerial yards. "Maybe we can take some of the Ricola money and buy us a win on eBay," quipped coach and noted auctionhound, Dan Len.

Looking forward to next week:

Gophirs v. Crew - Can the Crew continue to improve?
Sleepas @ Drops - Will the brothers be civil this week?
liusers v. Blue - Would Brent get McNabb back from Willie for this week?
Team v. Kaboodle - Can Laurie beat Elijah for me?
Fumblers @ pigskins - The Battle for Last, Part Deux

This week's waiver priority list:

10 flying pigskins 2-6-0 .250 410.68 L-3
9 Fumblers 2-6-0 .250 468.06 L-2
8 Bleed Blue 3-5-0 .375 399.29 W-1
7 liusers 3-5-0 .375 501.34 W-2
6 The Cough Drops 4-4-0 .500 437.70 L-1
5 Sleepas 4-4-0 .500 512.28 L-2
4 Stews Crew 2 4-4-0 .500 538.44 W-1
3 Kitna Kaboodle 5-3-0 .625 604.99 L-1
2 Football Team 6-2-0 .750 512.19 W-4
1 Grant Gophirs 7-1-0 .875 598.25 W-3

As is usual, send me waiver requests by Wednesday night.

Week Eight

(guitar riffs, lots of feedback, images of old, big hair, 80's metal rock stars cavorting with 18 year old women dance across your screen, singing:)

"Welcome to the Shark Tank!"

(more guitar riffs, fade to "Shark Tank" logo, big image of a computer generated shark emerges from behind the logo, swims around a few times, smacking football helmets of the various league teams off the screen with his tail, then engulfs the "Shark Tank" logo and then explodes in a million little bits of fish flesh as image cuts to sportcasters)

Summary of this last weekend's action:

Kitna Kaboodle 87.32 - Sleepas 77.94

In a battle that would drop one of three teams from the ranks of second place, the Kaboodles (5-2) stayed in the hunt for first by outlasting the Sleepas (4-3) in a heated battle. Travis Henry returned to his early season form by punching two touchdowns in with 167 yards on the ground. He was the leading star of a veritable galaxy of running backs. Fellow stars, Clinton Portis (160 combined yards and 1 TD) and Garrison Hearst (155 yards and 1 TD), were running at warp speed to seek out victory and put the Sleepas into a black hole. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaa" was the only intelligible quote from Sleepas' coach, Aaron Len. "NOW WE'RE COOKIN' WITH GAS" gushed Kaboodle Koach, Laurie Len, "which is appropriate since our house just got the gas stove connected. So I guess maybe I should be yelling, NOW WE'RE COOKIN' WITH A GAS STOVE. . .but I guess that would sound silly. . .so I won't say that." Many reporters looked confused.

The Cough Drops 40.02 - Stews Crew 2 39.60

In an amazing come from behind win, the Cough Drops (4-3) pulled themselves into the first division, dropping of the hard luck StewsCrew to 3-4. Losing by only 42/100ths of a point, it was the ineffective play of Johnny Morton (10 combined yards = .50 points) in this Monday night matchup. Strangely, the Crew didn't even start a quarterback and used only one wide receiver in a new formation that included eight offensive linemen and required the ball snapped directly to the fullback. "Well, we. . .choked. We should have won. We could have used a real cough drop we choked so bad. . .instead of that oversized Vicks they have over there. . .over. . .sorry I-I-I. . .can't go on. . .this is a good. . .no great. . .bunch of guys we have here and. . .and. . .and. .. we're doing something special. . .it's hard to see. . .some. . .something like this. . .happen" said coach Dan Chang as he broke down into tears. For the many fans who were despondent after the game, video replays of famous Red Sox playoff games were distributed to try to lighten up the mood.

Game Notes: Although not a Bruin and so unqualified for the J.J. Stokes Trophey, Morton hailed from USC and qualifies the Crew to win the related, J. J. Stokes Blue Ribbon for Ineptitude Following a Good Week.

liusers 84.15 - flying pigskins 35.10

"WE WON, WE WON WE WON" screamed Coach Brent Liu as he and the liusers (2-5) streamed onto the field when their win broke a terrible 5 game losing streak against the flying pigskins (2-5). A great collective sigh of relief was breathed across liuser Nation and the palpable tension melted away. Comments made by Liu earlier in the week almost seemed like the liusers had rolled over like a dog: "We stink, I give up, we might as well give [the leading team] McNabb too. I don't care" It is rumored that after a brief conversation with an opposing general manager that caused the team to make some changes, starting Matt Hasselbeck at quarterback. liusers' wideout, Terry Glenn, responded with a three TD performance as the liusers went on to crush the hapless pigskins. Overheard in the locker room during the postgame speach, Coach Kalvin Sid said, "Ugh. Guys, we ain't flying so much anymore. . .Suck it up! We need to get out there and play our game! The way we played, they should call us the flamin' pigskins! Er, wait. . .that would imply that we were gay. . .uh. . .not that there's anything wrong with it. . .shooot. . .eh, maybe they would call us the fried pigskins. Flogged pigskins. Flayed pigskins. Flambed pigskins. Whatever. You get the idea. PLAY HARD!".

Football Team 69.49 - Fumblers 64.90

Unable to repeat last week's success and harnessed by the Football Team's (5-2) stout defense this week, the Fumblers' (2-5) Stephen Davis could not lead his team to a win. The loss wasted the fine work of Steve McNair and Deuce McAllister. The Football Team finally got a decent, if not stellar, performance out of underachieving Aaron Brooks. Said Coach Liao, "Finally. Dude was sucking bad for a few weeks there. But, whatever. We got the win this week, which is good and considering our number 2 [quarterback] is Brees, this win saves me from having to start him next week. Then again, I don't care, I'm watching the playoffs. The fan side of me says I don't care about the series, but the analyst side of me likes the Yanks-Marlins matchup. GO FISH." The Fumblers were unable to add to their two game winning streak and fall into a four way tie for the last two playoff spots with the pigskins, the Blue and the liusers.

Grant Gophirs 78.66 - Bleed Blue 40.40

The game proved to be a routine workmanlike win for the Gophirs (6-1). The Blue (2-5) were just ineffective on offense, unable to get any production from their passing or running game. Again, veteran quarterbacks, Brett Favre and Rich Gannon, rode the pine as the Blue went with youth, starting Patrick Ramsey. Unfortunately youth was not served, nor did it pass for many touchdowns. The Blue's bright spot proved to be their surprising defense, which generated their only offense of the day, scoring a touchdown. "Well, there's always basketball," said the sports magnate owner coach of the Blue, Willie Wang.

The upcoming week appears to be the battle of the first division against the second division. This could be a week where some movement in the standings may be possible, depending on who is upset. You only have to see the 85 point outburst from the liusers to know that "on any given Sunday. . ."

The Cough Drops @ the Gophirs
Sleepas @ Bleed Blue
liusers @ Kitna Kaboodle
Football Team @ flying pigskins
Fumblers @ Stews Crew 2

This week's waiver priority:

10 Bleed Blue 2-5-0 .286 348.53 L-2
9 flying pigskins 2-5-0 .286 372.67 L-2
8 Fumblers 2-5-0 .286 398.07 L-1
7 liusers 2-5-0 .286 399.47 W-1
6 Stews Crew 2 3-4-0 .429 463.51 L-3
5 The Cough Drops 4-3-0 .571 376.63 W-2
4 Sleepas 4-3-0 .571 461.48 L-1
3 Football Team 5-2-0 .714 450.30 W-3
2 Kitna Kaboodle 5-2-0 .714 525.53 W-1
1 Grant Gophirs 6-1-0 .857 522.34 W-2

As usual, provide waiver list actions by Wednesday night.

Week Seven

It's fall and football is in full swing with the halfway point approaching us. By now, the league's haves and have nots are pretty well defined and it is probably time to start thinking about trade deals. Our exclusive ears to the ground hear the rumblings of some GMs and speculate that deals are in progress.

On to the weekly recaps:

Gophirs 69.46 - Kaboodle 59.98

The week's marquee match up between the top two teams was perhaps a preview of a possible match up at the Shark Tank Super Bowl Presented by King's Hawaiian. Despite an anemic passing offense, the Gophirs (5-1) were able to produce a workmanlike win over the Kitna Kaboodle (4-2) behind the strength of the running back duo of Priest Holmes (81 yards rushing and 1 TD, 59 yards receiving) and Ahman Green (139 yards rushing and 1 TD, 51 yards receiving and 1 TD). Coach Chinn in the post game conference expressed concerns over the play of quarterback Jeff Garcia (168 yards passing, 1 rushing TD) and their receivers, who--outside of rookie Tyrone Calico--combined for 76 yards receiving. "When [future Hall of Famer] Rice and [number one wide receiver] Chambers are out gained by that rookie. . .what's his name? Oh, Dane Looker...you can't help but be frustrated. Well, at least I don't have Donovan McNabb."

The Kaboodle were not able to establish a run game as the two stars, Clinton Portis and Travis Henry, combined for only 100 yards rushing and 61 yards receiving and no touchdowns between them. Backup Garrison Hearst did run one into the end zone, but it was during a meaningless fourth quarter. The Kaboodle wasted a stellar performance by their defense (6 sacks, 2 interceptions, a fumble and 1 TD) as the Kaboodle put the ball on the ground 3 times. A dancing Warren Sapp was cited for indecent jiggling after a defensive TD by Simeon Rice as league officials dropped a fine on him after the game.

Forced to throw, the Kaboodle's quarterback, Scary Collins, tossed 4 picks, negating a 314 yard day and costing his team sole possession of first place. Coach and General Manager, Laurie Len, was said to be very disappointed in the Kaboodle's offensive coordinator, her husband. It was a last minute call by the spouse in the dog house to replace then starting quarterback, Trent Green, with Collins on advice won at an auction. Said the coordinator, "I had a whole lot of credit with an auction house and I thought that the insider tips I was bidding for was for football, instead it turned out to be foosball." Said Laurie, "I coulda been a contenda."

Sleepas 44.64 - pigskins 20.97

In a game that seemed to last forever, the Sleepas (4-2) managed to stay awake enough to outlast the pigskins (2-4). It was a strange game with both teams moving the ball up and down the length of the field, but failing to score, often ending drives with turnovers or misguided 4th down conversion attempts. The pigskins shot themselves in the foot consistently with three fumbles in the red zone and three interceptions, one at the Sleepas 15 and one that was a sure touchdown--a drop in the end zone by a distracted Terrell Owens--who was busy pulling a pen out of his sock before the ball even got to him. "Look, it wasn't my fault I dropped it. T.O. can't do everything for this team. Wasn't [pigskin WR] K-Rob [Koren Robinson] 10 yards away, too? Like he can't get over here and pull the Sharpie out for me? At least I don't have McNabb throwing to me."

Sleepas coach, Aaron Len, bemoaned the lack of offense on both sides of the ball, "I can't believe we won with only 44 points, that's pretty sad." Marc Bulger had a fine day with 352 yards marred by two picks and Jamal Lewis ran for 131 yards, but couldn't punch it in. One fan said, "It was a snoozers of a game, maybe because it was Nyquil Night at the stadium" referring to the promotion where each fan received 8 ozs of the popular cold medicine and buzz producer for the under 21 crowd.

Football Team 94.56 - Stews Crew 2 59.81

In a mighty display of offense, the Team (4-2) crushed the Crew (3-3) and grabbed a share of second place. Torry Holt racked up 161 yards and 2 TDs and the Team's defense dominated the Crew, who were not able to score many points despite a 293 yard performance by quarterback, Peyton Manning. "I'm putting people on notice," commented the Team's coach, Elijah Liao, as he beat his chest, "the Football Team is here and we're looking to dominate any comers. You. Us. Cage match. Now. You'd better not bring any of that weak, Don-o-VAN McNabb stuff or we going to knock you on your butts."

The Cough Drops 73.21 - Bleed Blue 64.67

In an early game, the Cough Drops (3-3) rode the strength of their defense to overcome Derrick Mason and the Bleed Blue (2-4) to even their record. Mason had 177 yards of receiving and three touchdowns, but that just wasn't enough as the Drops' QB, Brad Johnson, tossed 4 touchdowns on an efficient 268 yards to go with the 145 rushing yards of Willie Green. The Blue were let down by their lack of running game and inconsistent play from quarterback, Patrick Ramsey, who threw two picks and lost a ball on a muffed snap. Willie Wang, the Blue's coach, noted that although Ramsey has been good in previous games, "He's in danger of sinking to the level where Donovan McNabb now lives, which, I believe, is in the third level of Dante's Inferno." Coach Len said of the win, "We're jolly about it! Much like our tight end, Doug. Get it? Jolly? Hahahahahah. Excuse me, I have to go check on an auction right now."

Fumblers 51.87 - liusers 46.67

In the Battle for Last Place, the Fumblers (2-4) managed to pull themselves out of the gutter behind the heroics of Steve McNair who not only threw for 421 yards and three TDs, but also ran two more in. It is rumored that fans want to recall Arnold Schwarzenegger and vote McNair in as governor but that idea was shot down by Coach Jung in the post game press conference, "I know that he just had an ok game. I know that the week before he threw for 360 yards and ran two in. I know that the week before that he passed for 3 TDs. I know that the week before THAT he passed for two more, but the brain trust here is thinking that Steve McFair. . .what?. . .oh. . .Steve McNairis. . .what?. . .oh. . .Steve McNair, he isn't very good. I mean, really, not very good. . .really. . .honestly. Anybody looking for a trade? Maybe that McNabb guy. He's a first round pick, yeah?" Several journalists were seen with their mouths hanging open and many air quoted "brain trust" to each other. The liusers head coach was then seen trying to drag a resisting Donovan McNabb into the press room.

The hardluck liusers (1-5) seemed to be out of sync offensively, dropped their fifth in a row as they were unable to generate many yards, or points. Lamented the liusers coach, "I'm stuck with McNone. .er. . .McNabb. THAT'S my problem."


Looking ahead at the halfway point of the season:

The Gophirs (5-1) look to hold serve against Bleed Blue (2-4)
The Sleepas (4-2) play the Kaboodle (4-2) which will drop one team from second place
The liusers (1-5) attempt to salvage respectability and get back into the playoff race against the 'skins (2-4), despite having to start Donovan McNabb
The Football Team (4-2) looks to keep a share of second place against the Fumblers (2-4)
The Drops (3-3) and the Crew (3-3) battle to go over .500, the loser drops under.

This week's waiver priority:

10 liusers 1-5-0 .167 315.57 L-5
9 Bleed Blue 2-4-0 .333 309.13 L-1
8 Fumblers 2-4-0 .333 333.17 W-2
7 flying pigskins 2-4-0 .333 337.57 L-1
6 The Cough Drops 3-3-0 .500 330.61 W-1
5 Stews Crew 2 3-3-0 .500 423.91 L-2
4 Football Team 4-2-0 .667 380.81 W-2
3 Sleepas 4-2-0 .667 383.54 W-1
2 Kitna Kaboodle 4-2-0 .667 438.21 L-1
1 Grant Gophirs 5-1-0 .833 443.68 W-1

Submit claims by Wednesday night.

Week Six

OK, here we go. A third of the way through the season and it appears that the league is beginning to stretch out a little. Good stuff happening all over. By the way, if you want to be quoted in the capsules, send me what you want me to "report".

flying pigskins 74.92 - Gophirs 62.52

Behind a strong kicking game and Fraud Taylor, the pigskins (2-3) beat the only remaining undefeated team in the league as the Gophirs fell to 4-1 suffering from the lack of a passing game. With a win by the Kitna Kaboodles, the Gophirs now have to share the top ranking. League MVP candidate and back for the Gophirs, Priest Holmes, was held to no touchdowns for the second week in a row. The pigskin's outspoken wideout, Terrell Owens, lifted his media ban briefly, "Well, that boneheaded offensive coordinator put in at least one good play and got me the ball. . .that's why I--er, I mean--we won. If I can expect more touches, I--er, I mean--we can expect more wins." Taylor was the offensive star of the game, racking up 164 all purpose yards with one rushing and one receiving touchdown and was overheard mumbling something derogatory about the "Terrell Ratio". The Gophirs coach was cited by inside sources as being worried about an imminent collapse of the team. pigskins' kicker, Sebastian Janikowski, kicked five field goals and commenting on Janikowski's recent run ins with alcohol and the law, pigskins' coach, Kalvin Sid said, "Sea Bass is much better out of the tank than in."

Fumblers 78.82 - Sleepas 72.38

The Fumblers (1-4) break a long draught with a stunning last second victory over the Sleepas (3-2). Behind the successful combination of Steve McNair to Marvin Harrison, the Fumblers have recovered from last week's last second collapse to the Gophirs. Marvin Harrison torched the Sleepas for 176 yards and two trips to the end zone and Steve McNair ran two more in on his own, one coming in the waning seconds of the second half with time expiring on a busted play bootleg just barely overpowering a tackling Troy Vincent that brought victory to the then winless Fumblers. In another case of celebrating too early, the losing team was up by 21, played conservatively, inserted the second string and so the Sleepas were caught napping in the second half. "Caught with our pants down, more likely" said Coach Aaron Len in the post game interviews, "our defense was good, but just not good enough. Marvin. . .what can you say? He's the top receiver in the league." Shot back Vincent, "What, just because the guy catches 3 yard screens all the time means he's number one? No, we just flat out didn't cover him." Coach Jung commented, "Today second to last. . .tomorrow the world!"

Football Team 62.67 - liusers 45.69

Football Team (3-2) stays up with the pack by taking advantage of the liusers (1-4) who fall to a tie for last place. Once again, the liusers are done in by Donovan McNabb's ineffectiveness who also bruised his right fibula during the game. X-Rays were negative, but race card scan results were inconclusive. Now deposed Monday Night Football commentator, Rush Limbaugh, was seen lurking above the Philly tunnel with a bed sheet on which was scrawled the word, "O-VER-RA-TED". Coach Brent Liu when asked after the game said that although McNabb is suffering in performance now, "I have to stick with my horse. Can't trade him. . .can't shoot him. Just going to have to kick the snot out of some Chunky Soup cans tomorrow." liusers WR, Randy Moss, had a stellar performance with two spectacular touchdowns but lamented "It was our defense that gave the game away." Coach Elijah Liao of the Football team was asked by several reporters who were the game stars and he couldn't come up with an answer, "I guess we just bored them to death."

Kitna Kaboodle 65.87 - The Cough Drops 46.27

In a heated internecine game, the Kaboodle (4-1) returned to their winning ways over The Cough Drops (2-3). This week it wasn't the quarterbacks who starred, but the running backs. Clinton Portis of the Kaboodle ran for what seemed like forever on his way to 141 yards running, one touchdown and 79 yards receiving, Portis' backup, Travis Henry returned from a bad chest to add another 99 all purpose yards and two touchdowns. Henry's backup, Garrison Hearst romped over the subs for 74 yards running in a meaningless fourth quarter. When accused of running up the score, Coach Laurie Len stated, "Yeah I was running up the score. I just want to make sure that The Cough Drops know who owns this house. We want this game to bug them like some bad squeaky floor that they have to walk over every stinkin' day. Besides, somewhere out there there's a points fantasy league that needs this blowout." The Cough Drops could have used some cough drops as QB Tommy Maddox choked in the big game by throwing two interceptions and losing a bad snap. Benched QB, Brad Johnson, was visibly upset during locker room interviews and was seen shoving the team mascot, a very large Ricola, in the tunnel after the game.

Bleed Blue 73.37 - Stews Crew 2 72.72

In a 0.65 point squeaker, the Blue (2-3) drew closer to .500 at the expense of the Crew (3-2)--who were vying for a share of first. The Crew's David Boston 181 and 2 TD performance just wasn't enough and his one mistake, a fumble at the Blue's one, cost the Crew a chance of winning. The Crew's defense was surprisingly good with 13 points allowed and one interception, but the Blue's D was better, allowing only 7 points, stacking up three sacks, two interceptions and two safeties. Coach Willie said, "It was all about the defense. Next week when Edge gets back, we'll be in better shape. We facing Philly and although they're wounded now, we expected a helluva game as we claw our way to respectability."

This week's waiver priorities:

10 liusers 1-4-0 .200 269.90 L-4
9 Fumblers 1-4-0 .200 281.92 W-1
8 Bleed Blue 2-3-0 .400 244.41 W-1
7 The Cough Drops 2-3-0 .400 257.40 L-1
6 flying pigskins 2-3-0 .400 316.60 W-1
5 Football Team 3-2-0 .600 286.30 W-1
4 Sleepas 3-2-0 .600 338.90 L-1
3 Stews Crew 2 3-2-0 .600 364.10 L-1
2 Grant Gophirs 4-1-0 .800 374.24 L-1
1 Kitna Kaboodle 4-1-0 .800 384.23 W-2

Send me waiver requests by Wednesday midnight.

Week Five

Lady and Gentlemen,

Welcome to the Shark Tank!

Gophirs 70.44 - Fumblers 69.12

In a squeaker of a contest, the Gophirs (4-0) edged the luckless Fumblers (0-4) by 1.32 points. Ahman Green was the difference, having rushed for 176 yards and two scores. The Fumblers seemed to have everything going this week, finding stellar play from QB Steve McNair (15 of 16, 3 TDs), wideout Marvin Harrison (158 yards, 3 TDs) and both Fumbler running backs (a combined 254 yards, 2 TDs). Fumbler players were seen to be dancing early in the fourth quarter, but the celebration proved to be too early. Green was called out by Fumbler WR, J.J. Stokes, during the game. Green said this afterwards, "No big deal when the other team tells you that you're being beat, I can't say much about that when you are being beat. But when some stanky, fourth string receiver who's last big game was played in LA where they don't got pro ball--then I get mad." Coach Rob on Green's play: "Hey, he did great and bailed us out from some mediocre performances this week. I'm sure glad that Greenie didn't put the ball on the ground." Let down by any lack of a kicking game, coach Jung was reported to have called their kicker, Martin Gramatica, a "Janakowski twin" and that the older of the Gramatica brothers was "not as good as [younger brother] Bill".

Sleepas 65.79 - Football Team 36.42

The Sleepas (3-1) handily beat the Football Team (2-2) to extend both their win streak and Football's losing streak to two. Behind the solid play of backup QB Marc Bulger (28 of 42, 2 TDs, 1 Int) and RB Jamal Lewis (159 combined yards, 1 TD), the Sleepas played well in the absence of star halfback, Marshall Faulk. The hard luck Football Team could not get a ground game going with Cory Dillon and Kevin Faulk combining for only 32 yards and a fumble. Things should get better for the Team next week when star RB, Ricky Williams, returns from a vacation in the Bahamas; however, questions still remain about the QB position and their youth movement. Fans all over Football Team nation have been in an uproar with the release of the team's highly controversial draft pick, Kyle Boller, earlier in the week. On his release, Boller commented, "It wasn't all that bad of a week, the Bears got to stick it to the Trojans."

Stews Crew 2 78.98 - liusers 75.79

In another hard luck loss, the liusers (1-3) got beat out by Peyton Manning and the Crew (3-1). The liusers strategy running the fun and gun this year looked to finally be working when WR Randy Moss got on track for 3 trips to the end zone despite a tough Crew defense. Once again, the liusers were let down by a lack of a ground attack that would have kept the ball away from Peyton Manning, who crushed the liusers with 6 touchdowns on 20 of 25 passing for 314 yards. After that, the Crew defense and kicking game finished off what otherwise was a good effort by the liusers. Said coach Chang, "Total team effort. No, I take that back, it was a STRONG team effort. Peyton played strong, Jeff Wilkins played strong, that D played strong. Like me, I guess!"

The Cough Drops 57.66 - flying pigskins 52.75

In the battle for the second division, the Cough Drops (2-2, 6th place) barely got by the flying pigskins (1-3, 7th place). The pigskins were unable to field their star QB, Daunte Culpepper and had to go with their backup plan, involving a contest winner of a local radio station promotion. The Drops only needed the 187 yards (1 TD) from LaDainian Tomlinson to control, and win, the game. At the end, the pigskins, down by six, had one more chance at the win when temporary QB, Scott Bloward--a local cashier at Tower Records and Van Halen fan--threw a surprisingly accurate fourth down strike from the 19 to wide receiver Marty Booker with time running out. Booker was turned back at the 3 inch line by the Drops defense. Coach Len said, "Booker was on our minds all night. When that last play came, we KNEW it was going to him; so we went double Z man under, two deep. That metal head got the throw in on a slant pattern but we had people all over him, but it was close. Boy, talk about a heart attack!"

Kaboodle 60.23 - Bleed Blue 45.39

The Kaboodle (3-1) returned to their winning ways and the Blue (1-3) couldn't capitalize on their recent win. It was a defensive struggle as both teams had a difficult time moving the ball and it only took a mistake by the Blue's defense to turn the game. Late in the third quarter, the Blue failed to cover rookie Charles Rodgers on a third and short play. Rodgers got behind the Blue's secondary when Kaboodle QB, Trent Green pulled up after a play action fake. Adding to the Blue's woes was the loss of Edgrerrin James, bothered by a sore back. Said the coach of the Blue, Willie Wang, "Going into this season, we counted on so much on Edge. He was going to be the difference this year. Without him. . .not much we can do." A QB controversy is brewing on the Blue sidelines as star QB Rich Gannon was overheard to say to fellow backup QB, Brett Favre, "Dude, I would have been sooooo much better than that guy! Shoot, even YOU would have been better" in reference to the Blue's starter, Patrick Ramsey.

Looking ahead:

Grant Gophirs (4-0) at flying pigskins (1-3)
Sleepas (3-1) at Fumblers (0-4)
liusers (1-3) at Football Team (2-2)
Kitna Kaboodle (3-1) at The Cough Drops (2-2)
Bleed Blue (1-3) at Stews Crew 2 (3-1)

It looks like it rivalry week, with the Len's (Dan and Laurie) playing each other, Rob playing Kal and Aaron against former landlord, Byron.

Here is this week's waiver priority:

10 Fumblers 0-4-0 .000 203.10 L-4
9 Bleed Blue 1-3-0 .250 171.04 L-2
8 liusers 1-3-0 .250 224.19 L-3
7 flying pigskins 1-3-0 .250 241.68 L-1
6 The Cough Drops 2-2-0 .500 211.53 W-2
5 Football Team 2-2-0 .500 223.63 L-2
4 Sleepas 3-1-0 .750 266.52 W-3
3 Stews Crew 2 3-1-0 .750 291.38 W-2
2 Kitna Kaboodle 3-1-0 .750 318.36 W-1
1 Grant Gophirs 4-0-0 1.000 311.37 W-4

Once again, let me know of moves prior to Wednesday's games.

Week Four

Well, it looks like chaos has set in on the universe. . .the Natural Order has been upset and Laurie is in SECOND place! The end is near, make your peace. . .

Here is this weeks waiver priority:

10 Fumblers 0-3-0 .000 133.98 L-3
9 Bleed Blue 1-2-0 .333 125.65 L-1
8 liusers 1-2-0 .333 148.40 L-2
7 The Cough Drops 1-2-0 .333 153.87 W-1
6 flying pigskins 1-2-0 .333 188.93 W-1
5 Football Team 2-1-0 .667 187.21 L-1
4 Sleepas 2-1-0 .667 200.73 W-2
3 Stews Crew 2 2-1-0 .667 212.40 W-1
2 Kitna Kaboodle 2-1-0 .667 258.13 L-1
1 Grant Gophirs 3-0-0 1.000 240.93 W-3

Around the league:

Priest Holmes has another strong outing, keying the Gophirs (3-0-0) over the Football Team (2-1-0). Although it is much too early to start naming MVP candidates, the Gophirs coach did comment, "If it weren't for Priest, we would need a priest." Rod Smith, Football Team's WR, was ejected from the game for slugging an official and was seen icing his hand after the game, "Hey, look, I didn't MEAN to hit the ref. . .he was just in the follow through after I missed."

Stew's Crew 2 (2-1-0) makes waves with its shellacking of the then top ranked Kaboodles (2-1-0) with a standout defensive performance and kicking game. Peyton Manning, the Crew's QB, said in a post game interview, "I don't think that anybody in the league gave us a chance with the team that we were given and especially after week one. But coach made some smart moves--adjusted the defensive sets some and lettin' me call more plays at the line. I think everybody is fired up right now." Sounds like out Gophirs need to watch out, the Crew has a chip on its shoulder and is gunning for first.

The Sleepas (2-1-0) gun down the liusers (1-2-0), who lack a running game. Said the Sleepas wideout, Peerless Price, "Lahk shootin' fish in a barrel." It was a costly victory for the Sleepas as slumping back, Marshall Faulk, is expected to miss four to six weeks with a broken hand. Said fellow backfield mate Jamal Lewis, "Looks like I'll just have to run 400 yards next week." He also cracked, "I predict I will get most of the carries next week." Coach Liu of the hapless liusers lamented, "Our running game sucks. Our wide passing game sucks. The defense sucks. The kicker sucks." The liusers outspoken receiver, Keyshawn Johnson, took exception to his coach's remarks and stated, "Hey, look, Keyshawn cain't win no ball game if Keyshawn doan have th' farkin' ball. GIMMIE THE BALL." Looks like the liusers will have to work hard to keep the season, and team chemistry, from sliding down the tubes.

Without any semblance of a running game, the pigskins (1-2-0) finally get off the snide at the cost of Bleed Blue (1-2-0) who got lackluster performances from Rich Gannon and it's defense. Gannon was seen yelling at the defensive coordinator, "IT'S LIKE THE DEFENSE AIN'T THERE". In a strange tale, the Blue's kicker, David Akers, was AWOL to the game. It was later reported that Akers was booked for drunken disorderly conduct, misdemeanor assault and misdemeanor vandalism at the county jail for having assaulted several shoppers the night before at a local Sears. The kicker was also implicated in tearing off antenna balls from cars in the parking lot of the supermarket and resisting arrest with mall security. He was bailed out Sunday afternoon after the game.

And in the battle for last place, the luckless Fumblers (0-3-0) and the Cough Drops (1-2-0), both winless going into this week had some consolation knowing that somebody had to win. The Cough Drops showed that they still have life. "Hey, anything can happen in the playoffs" said the Cough Drops coach, Dan Len. The Fumbler's team closed its doors to post game interviews and nobody could be reached for comment. The Commissioner's Office is looking into fines for this action.

It appears that there is no J.J. this week, although J.J. himself checked in with a stellar 1.85 point performance.

Week Three

As a spring turns to summer and summer to fall, the inevitability of the seasons reminds us that, as always, Laurie is smacking out butts in football. Around the league:

The Kaboodles (Laurie), Gophirs (Rob) and Football Team (Elijah) are tied in first 2-0. The cellar dwellers are the pigskins, Fumblers and the Cough Drops--team owner names will not be mentioned to protect the innocent. Another tough luck loss for the Fumblers, but at least Kalvin wins the inaugural "J.J. Stokes Bruin Backbreaker" award--for having a perennial Bruin underachiever torpedo his team for a narrow loss (this week 4.85 points). Willie was the benefactor.

Retroactively, we will award the J.J. for week one as well. The winner: the Fumblers again. The stats: losing by 0.68 of a point with DeShaun Foster scoring only 1.10 points.

Condolences to Brent for the total and utter collapse of Philly. You were better off not starting McNabb (-1.63 points this week), but perhaps the boys in green will get their act together. I tell you that Chunky's Soup karma is drooping all over him like a bad stink (see T. Davis, K. Warner).

In the battle of the rookie kickers, Josh Brown (Football Team) out duals Seth Marler (The Cough Drops) 8-5. Incidentally, these two kickers out pointed every other starting rookie in the league. Coincidence? I think not. The rookie kicker strategy has always been a solid one. . .however weird draft day can be. In a different rookie battle, Tayler Jacobs (Fumblers) also "dueled" Kelley Washington (Bleed Blue) to a standstill. . .0-0. On the bright side, at least they didn't "McNabb" your teams.

This week's waiver priorities, based on Monday's standings:

10 The Cough Drops 0-2-0 .000 92.72 L-2
9 Fumblers 0-2-0 .000 93.89 L-2
8 flying pigskins 0-2-0 .000 131.38 L-2
7 Bleed Blue 1-1-0 .500 88.17 W-1
6 liusers 1-1-0 .500 108.68 L-1
5 Sleepas 1-1-0 .500 119.21 W-1
4 Stews Crew 2 1-1-0 .500 134.93 L-1
3 Football Team 2-0-0 1.000 150.61 W-2
2 Grant Gophirs 2-0-0 1.000 181.52 W-2
1 Kitna Kaboodle 2-0-0 1.000 202.24 W-2

Submit waiver claims by Wednesday night 11:59PM. After that I will unlock the rosters.